Any Dads out there?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=26384
Printed Date: 06 May 2025 at 9:27pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Any Dads out there?
Posted By: Odette
Subject: Any Dads out there?
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 6:21pm
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Hey Dads - I need your help!
Me and Dad have an 8 month old daughter and have unfortunately been separated for a couple of months now. Im trying really REALLY hard to help Dad with sharing age appropriate info and things I have learned from Plunket visits and other mums when he comes to pick up our wee girl for visits etc, but I swear he feels I am attacking him and it ends up a bit of a drama trying to get info through. Now, to be honest, I do believe that what I am telling him he really should be taking on board - after all, I have the lion's share of responsibility and purely from a hands on perspective, learn these things by trial and error every day. I promise you though (I can hear all the Dads mumbling "nag nag nag") I really do only tell him really important things (like choking hazards, new sleeping/eating patterns) how what she has done during the day is going to affect her night routine etc Now guys, is this just a "man" thing?? You know - right brain -v- left brain issue? Should I try a completely different approach to information sharing - do I write "lists" for him instead so its not viewed as so... confrontational? Please help! I need insider info from "your side" to try and smooth the waters 
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Replies:
Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 6:38pm
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Oo just quickly - there's a BRILLIANT new book out there for dads, DH reviewed it for work, it's a NZ one written by dads for dads, and not too long. Can't remember the title of it but I'm sure someone here will know the one I'm talking of.... ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 7:02pm
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OK just rang DH, the book is http://diyfather.com/callmedad - Call me Dad and there's also a great website called http://diyfather.com/ - DIY father .
There's bound to be tension between you and babies dad with the separation so it can't be easy on either side  ... something like this may put the ball in his court a little bit more cos men do like to feel like they're 'the man' lol. Something I did when Harry was younger, he was looked after by DH, my mum or sister (they do one day each a week while I work), was write down his 'expected' routine and little things to follow. Just cos at that age his routine did change fairly regularly - and then I had it there as an example for anyone else who looked after him.
You could tell him you wrote it up for when family or friends looked after her (if they do?) and that you thought you might be interested to read it too, and that it has her current routine. I also wrote up his sleep time routine (how he likes to go to sleep) and tired signs. ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 7:04pm
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I remember when I used to tell DH things like that for when I wanted a day out of the house he used to get a bit anti at me for it and that was with us living together. He viewed it as I guess a bit of a put down as though he can't figure and look after his son by himself without my input. MIL also didn't like it when I would tell her things like that when she looked after Daniel. In the end I came to the conclusion that no one who looks after him, whether its DH or anyone else is going to do things exactly like I do but it doesn't mean that's a bad thing.
Could you two arrange to sit down and have a chat and just simply ask him if it would be helpful for him if you wrote down any routine changes to make it easier on him and if he says no I think you will just have to accept that and let him go through trial and error just like you have to and if he says yes well then that's what you do. |
Posted By: Odette
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 7:23pm
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Hi Ladies - thanks for the book reference, Liz. Will track it down. And Stacey, I thought exactly the same thing - why cant I just sit down with dad and ask him how he would like to deal with updates etc. It all seems so much easier via email!! Ha! Bless them.
But yes, I wonder if I wrote a wee note down whether that would be viewed as less..... instructing? Lots of things I am quite happy with him working out on his own, but when he thinks its ok to feed bub a piece of apple in the car (while he is driving!) thats when I get a bit Mother-knows-best on his ass! Ha! Thanks again for your responses. Have almost chewed my tongue off in the last few months... only about another 17 years to go :) |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 7:26pm
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Could you maybe start up some sort of Baby Journal or Diary with her daily routine/development milestones etc? Might be a bit overboard but if you want to be less "instructing"...?
------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 7:28pm
My DH doesn't take that kind of stuff well either (like, "Do you think I am clueless?" attitude). He also doesn't like reading non-fiction or attending meetings/groups predominately attended by women.  My advice would be to not sweat the small stuff - even following the routine isn't that important because most things will be different at dad's house anyway.
Perhaps you guys could pass a notebook between you when you do changeovers, it could help lessen the tension/defensiveness between you. Then each of you can write in little things like, she hasn't been too well and might need some pamol to settle at night, etc. -------------  |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 8:22pm
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The notebook or routine written up is a good idea. I left my ex just after Jake was born and he only looked after him a few times but I just gave him a list of things J needed at the time. He always ended up calling me and getting me to pick him up within 4 hours anyway so there wasn't much point but it made me feel better.
J now stays with my parents one night a week and at first I'd be really particular about passing things on and making lists and mentioning every single little detail and my parents were very patient lol but ultimately I realised that I was mostly worried that they wouldn't understand him and take care of him as well as I did. Now while that is very true I needed to accept that they had a different role in his life and they'd understand and take care of him as GRANDPARENTS not a mum  same with my partner (who is now Js Dad) - hes alot firmer with Jake in some areas, then in others he lets him do things I'd panic about lol but they're all experiences for Jake that help him deal with different situations. Being a single mum can be so hard. I personally found I was/am so much more defensive and protective of my child and way more attached to him since the buck stopped with me and me only for a long time.
Hope you find something that works for you. Good luck
(Sorry bout my novel  )-------------   
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 8:54pm
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DH took over the SAH role when I went back to work when Issy was 4.5 months old.
I was really pedantic about trying to teach him her routines .. but honestly, she was perfectly fine even though they didnt follow what was our "normal" routine. She got fed, changed, she played and she slept .. (although not always in the order I would have preferred)  but she has grown into an amazingly bright and confident wee thing.
Your ex will soon learn what to do during the day if its him having to get up to her all night ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 9:49pm
My DH hates being told how to do things with our boys, his reply is "im a grown man with a brain and common sense so i will do things my way that suits me"  i generally leave him to it now and try very hard not to bite my tongue clean off!!!
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Posted By: daveo
Date Posted: 07 May 2009 at 11:05pm
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Hi. Weegee's DH here...
Maybe something that you ladies don't know, or maybe do already know, is that guys either act 5 years older than their age or 5 years younger... It's the proportion of time they spend in each, er, half, that you need to be aware of. You need to find out if he sees looking after your daughter as a chore or if it is something he really wants to do. If he sees it as a chore, then no matter what you say or do, it's nagging. It's a guy thing. If he really looks forward to looking after her, then he's probably already thinking that he's missing out on her growing up, and if you're going through new stuff etc that your daughter is doing then it may feel like to him that you're rubbing his face in it. Maybe hint at stuff rather than give him the details... She really likes bla bla bla at the moment. If your daughter is crawling already, say things like "She's getting close to crawling" - this way he won't feel like he's missing out etc, and if he says something when he drops her off, you can act like it's news... Don't do it too often of course cause he'll click... Maybe. Do your conversations solely revolve around your daughter?? Ask him how things are going, how work is, how his parents are... ***weegee here - this message was interrupted, DH's pager went off half an hour ago and he had to run out the door to go attend a callout. I doubt he'll be back to finish his train of thought tonight, maybe tomorrow night ***------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 08 May 2009 at 8:21am
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LOL so cute Daveo & Weegee my DPs thinking maybe he needs to get on here too since hes been looking around and seeing a few other dads! Uhoh that means no more ranting about him -------------
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 08 May 2009 at 8:41am
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My DH was a sahd from 5m+ and TBH if he thought it necessary to warn me about choking hazards etc I'd be very insulted and it'd probably turn into a massive drama too. She is his daughter and Daddy's are very protective and attentive. This may not be a side to him you see but I bet it's there. It's important to keep the channels of communication open but I think you need to put yourself in his shoes before you decide what information. I assume you're both first time parents and therefore have been parents for as long as each other and although you do the lions share of the childcare remember that just as it's easy for him to obtain information on choking hazards and feeding/sleeping routines as it is for you (maybe even easier because he has more childfree time in which to research this info). Unless something is absolutely vital or life threatening and you thinks he's too ignorant or uncaring to figure it out himself then just leave him to it. So what if she gets put down for a sleep when she's already dropped that sleep time, he'll soon learn. IMO your should make sure he knows that you're available but don't force your advice on him because that method isn't working right now and it may make him uncomfortable contacting you when he does have questions. -------------  
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Posted By: daveo
Date Posted: 08 May 2009 at 11:23pm
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Howdy. I'm back...
From earlier... Do your conversations solely revolve around your daughter?? Ask him how things are going, how work is, how his parents are... People like to talk about things they know about, namely themselves. Do you launch into new things etc about your daughter or ask how he is first?? Get him talking about himself, his day/week etc before giving him the info that you really want him to hear. Don't say "How are you?? That's nice, etc etc". Let him talk a bit before easing your way into discussing with him - OR talk to him until HE brings it up... Maybe say to him how you're really feeling. Open up those lines of communication again. Get things out in the open. The very worst thing to say is "I don't mean/want to bla bla bla, BUT..." - as soon as you say 'but', you've negated everything you've said beforehand. Is what you're saying to him really THAT important?? As what MrsMojo said earlier, so what if she goes down for a sleep at the wrong time... Think about what you're saying and how it would sound if YOUR mother was telling you about HER grandchild... SO, pointing out that something is a choking hazard is, well, seemingly obvious, so rather than saying "Yes Dear" he gets defensive... ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com">
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