point of view!
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=26635
Printed Date: 22 December 2025 at 1:47pm
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Topic: point of view!
Posted By: Bizzy
Subject: point of view!
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 4:38pm
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was thinking about this today in light of the new entrants being picked up thread and wondered what the kid who is new at school would think about the parent who said - "ok honey here you are, have a nice day at school, see you when you get home."
What do they think when we say "tidy up your room!" How do they feel when we get angry at them or when we try and get them to sleep through the night. Do they think we are being big meanie pants cause we can, do they think we are punishing them cause we dont want to have them in our beds all night every night? From their point of view is saying bye bye and hugging nana a scary thing? or just a nuisance? i wondered if parents who have a more relaxed attitude to parenting make thier kids feel more secure cause they can explore the world or more alone cause they have to do it all on their own. By making them take some responsibility for their actions am i helping him or making him feel sad and alone. do parents who constantly hover over their kids and not let them do anything make thier kids feel special or imprisoned? just some random musings i had on the way home after dropping gabriel at school this morning. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 5:07pm
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Didn't want to read and run, but will ponder and come back with thoughts. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 5:17pm
| Very deep and I wonder the same things myself sometimes. I am a rather anxious highly strung person (yep I admit it I am hard work!) and I know that I dont want to rub that off on the kids so when Im feeling anxious about something I make sure I present a calm, its sweet front to the kids so they know its not scary. Things like flying for me is terrifying but I know if i let the kids see that Im terrified they will think flying is something to be scared of so I pretend to be calm (thanks to the drugs hehe) and so far the kids love flying. Thats just one example for my family but im sure there are others. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 5:42pm
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As a now grown up daughter I can say that a lot of what my parents did/said had a big impact. Probably more so now that DH and I are wanting to become parents. I'm reminded of all the things my mum did with me and my brother and how terrible we were at times.
I do think though and this is from observation and advice from others, kids need boundaries and security - it seems the kids that get all the freedom in the world are the ones that go off the rails. As for hugging Nana and saying bye, I was always taught to respect my elders especially grand parents, I once called my Nana silly and was made to go and apologise to her, I felt terrible. I like to think I'd find a balance to parenting, I want my children to feel free to follow their dreams and be themselves, learn to think for themselves and also look after themselves. Great topic Bizzy - not what I thought it would be about BTW ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 5:56pm
glad i can still surprise!  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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mrsg1 wrote:Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 6:16pm
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Hmmmm
Issy is a totally cruisy sociable little girl who will give just about anybody a huge hug and make herself at home on their lap and SD and I are quite protective as parents. I recall being quite "ashamed" at one of the ob meetups as Isabelle went around the huge group, helping herself to whichever Mummy she decided she wanted and eating everybodies lunch, until mrsmojo pointed out that its a good thing that Isabelle thinks that everybody in the world loves her. However, im not sure if her attitude to the world is a nature or nuture type scenario as my brother and I were brought up in exactly the same way, but are completely different people (although we both cant stand mess .. and we definately learnt that from mum lol) ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 7:02pm
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I think I have a general idea how my daughter is feeling. We do have an open relationship with her and listen to any of her concerns and she has never been scared of sharing it with us.
For instance: sleeping at night. She is totally fine going in her bed for the first part but when she wakes up she is scared of the noises she hears and she knows she can come through to us. She told me the other day she is ready for me to leave her at Playcentre with teh other moms and for me to come back so for once I can miss her as she misses me when I go to a workshop. She is totally capable of telling us her fears ect and totally capable of telling us when she thinks she is ready to do something (even if we are not) But I totally believe in is independence at the right ages and that it is a gradual process. And what was fine a few years ago isnt anymore as there is so much more to take into account but to have discussions with your child about what you do and why you are doing it and to really listen to what they are saying. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 7:18pm
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I do think kids seem to grow up a lot faster these days, and there is more expectations of them.
My 12 year old niece is wanting to do things that I didn't even know about until I was well into my teens. A lot of it is peer pressure, also with tween girls there is a whole industry aimed at them, and I do feel for parents competing with multi-millon dollar marketing budgets. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 7:19pm
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i was really over protective of Bay when he was younger but it did not make him a clingy child infact he was very content and happy in himself and would go to anyone! with no fuss.
Number 2 - Astin i have been very layed back other than stopping him from possibly killing himself etc!!! Out of the 2 - Astin is by far the heartiest!!!! (extremely rip sh*t and bust!!!) and Bay is very ...... careful, crybabyish, serious..... dont know if thats from us or just his personality. I havnt really thought too much about the points made, before but im now going to ponder them... |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 7:20pm
That you are being a bossy mum! At least that's what I used to think and I never tidied my room and I'm still a clutter-bug.  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 7:27pm
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Hehe Lilfatty, Jackson is exactly the same.
My parents used to make me hug and kiss my grandparents when they visited, I used to hate it! Now I just love my grandma and love hugging and kissing her. I call her all the time and she is really special to me. Dont know if my parents making me kiss them all the time helped form the relationship I have with my gran now. My parents were really great parents, and of course I only realised that when I got to my late teens. I think they were strict but at times she would let me take risks. There were always the kids at school that werent allowed to stay at someones house, or the kids that were allowed to stay at ANYONES house, and then there was me, who was allowed to stay but had to have my friends mum speak to my mum first. My parents were rather strict but they did allow me to take some risks. They did a great job! ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 9:12pm
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I completely disagree with that, as I was given all the freedom in the world, as were my brothers and yes my brothers pushed the boundaries but they by no means went off the rails. When I say we had all the freedom in the world we knew we had limits these were not necessarily spoken but you knew they were there. We had no curfew, my parents figured that we could get up to as much trouble before 10pm as we could after etc. Mum learnt through having 3boys that she couldn't molly coddle us and had to let the housework go as well they ripped the house apart. My DP who was brought up in a strict island christian household went more off the rails then I did as by the age of 13 he was already sexually active and into class a drugs etc so as I said I completely disagree with just that one portion of your statement speaking from my personal experience. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 9:25pm
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one thing i found fascinating was a girl i taught - always going on about her weight - even though she had a stunning figure and was just gorgeous. then i met mum. she was a little chubby, but just went on and on about how fat she was. Really drilled home how our own attitudes can show up in our kids.
with jake, I'm a big wuss, but really try to be calm around him - at the dentist i was nearly in tears, but jake was fgreat - they drilled his tooth without anaesthetic. nearly killed me (just sitting in the seat) my dad however, is always pushing the kids - be the best, do everything kinda stuff and it gives me the creeps, especially a month ago when he let taine go on this huge flying fox BY HIMSELF!! (incidently he was fine, hung on and had a ball) aaah, just waffling now. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 9:37am
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Jake has to go to bed when I tell him and when I ask him to do something he has to obey, he has to use his manners and be polite. These are basic skills he'll need thorugh his life - respect for authority and respect for other people. Other than that though he can do what he wants. If its raining and he wants to go outside he just has to wear boots and a jacket, playing in the rain is fun and I can always chuck him in the shower. If hes playing with another kid and they do something like pull his hair then unless he gets upset and comes to me I figure he can handle it amd I don't interfere.
My parents were great but my mum was definitely a hover-er. She still is, she treats me like I still answer to her even though I've been out of her house for 6 years now. Its always been really annoying and I've struggled with feeling that I have no say and that she obviously thinks I'm incapable since shes always questioning, watching and advising  my dad on the other hand expected me to do what was required i.e chores, respect, etc, then let me go as I pleased. I'm now more in tune with my dad because I feel he respects my individuality and believes that I'm capable of dealing with things. I love both my parents of course!!
I want Jake to know that while I'm always here if he needs me I also believe that he can cope, problem-solve, decide, etc for himself. Obviously he doesn't have many choices now but I treat him like an individual who knows what he wants and even when I can't give it to him I try to respect his feelings. I don't know if thats entirely in line with the original point of the posts but its just what I've been pondering over the last little while -------------   
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Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 10:47am
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We are very relaxed parents, probably sometimes too relaxed, yet we have a girl who, while she is independent at home, she is a bit of a scaredy cat and very shy. For example, she won't even go on a bouncy castle, she is very nervous about that type of thing and despite being a daycare kid, she won't go into a playarea at a cafe alone if there are other kids in there she doesn't know. She surprises me sometimes about how scared/shy she can be despite us never putting her in a situation that she actually had to worry about plus we encourage her every step of the way (to the point that we get on the bouncy castles too, which she loves but she still won't get on by herself next time).
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 11:03am
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This is very much how I feel about the whole parenting thing Babe, you put it into words so well!!
Interesting topic Bizzy! ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4
 
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I also think the whole nauture/nurture thing is so interesting, we have parented all our 3 the same way and they are all so different! Mr 8 is very outgoing and confident and makes himself at home in any situation. My 3 year old is quite standoffish and reserved and likes to check things out and then will join in if he feels like it. And the baby is just a cruiser lol! The 8 year old has started with the whole "its not fair" and "you are being mean" kind of stuff, however he needs to learn that sometimes you have to do things in life you dont really want to do (eg:homework!!
) and I would rather he learned that now than to go into adulthood thinking he can do whatever he likes and have no consequences, cause we all know life doesnt work like that!!Posted By: ellen
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 12:49pm
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When my parents wouldn't let me do something as a teenager (like go into town, etc) - they always said that it was because they loved me. I remember thinking at the time that I wished I had parents that didn't love me so I could do what I wanted. As an adult I'm glad I had parents that loved me and looked out for me.
I am a super protective parent with a husband who believes they have to learn by making mistakes - so polar extremes really. It's hard to find that happy medium and over the years I've had to step back and stop wrapping them (boys) in cotton wool as natural consequences are a fantastic learning tool. I've heard teachers refer to "helicopter parenting" because the parents are always hovering over their kids. |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:02pm
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Hmmm, I have lots to say on this topic and it will probably all come out in a big rambly mess im afraid !
-One thing ive always tried to do with Caitlyn (and any child ) is put myself in her shoes, when I don't understand why shes upset or scared of something I try to remember what it was like to be that age and unsure of my place in the world . -She is expected to listen to us , but at the same time , we are to show her the same courtesy , same with apologising, I would never expect her to apologise to me, without doing it myself to her . She has a nighttime routine, and she doesn't get to change that (tho of course at times she tries ) and I will not put up with attitude, if she gets cheeky or her tone is a bit undesirable, I merely tell her to watch her attitude . - She has always been a friendly delightful child, but it started to get a bit worrying , her going up to random men and hugging them , she now knows that you have to give people space, especially ones you don't know from a bar of soap . -I don't make her hug or kiss her elders , tho I do teach her to respect them , when shes older i'll teach her that respect also , has to be earnt (incidentally , I would move heaven and earth for one last hug with my grandma ) And that while their ways are different , we can learn a lot from them - I want her to learn that its ok to make mistakes , that its ok to fail at times , its all part of life and learning - Ive learnt as well , that no matter how much you try to protect them , some things are just beyond your control , and if you live their whole life hoping nothing will ever happen to them,you'll waste a lot of time that could be spent having fun with them , and they will miss out as well . And on top of everything , I try to teach that love, is the most important thing , and material things don't matter . ...actually , i wrote a poem when she was a new born about that for her ------------- 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:16pm
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For Caitlyn
If I had a million dollars Id spend it all on you everything that I could buy to make your dreams come true but one day little one I hope you'll understand In the end money is worth less than a grain of sand I may not buy you the nicest clothes or the fancy toys but the love I can give you is more than some girls or boys I'll always have a room for you and clothes for you to wear there will always be a bed for you and the cupboard never bare but when it comes to things desired that you want but do no need then at times you may have to go without so you ,my child, I can feed I will however , give you more than anyone could ask, its my greatest honour to be your mum the most precious of all my tasks and so it is, with greatest pleasure to say I know this much is true That my job ,my darling one , is to teach all I know to you I have made mistakes in life to you i'll never lie but from these mistakes ive learnt as you to will by and by One day I'll let you out the door and I hope the world is kind and whatever it is you seek in life I hope its what you find and when you decide to return and come back to the start come no closer than my arms that yearn for you beat within my heart my only hope is when your back the one thing that you'll boast is that in the end my dearest of friends is that its love , that matters most . ....I just wrote that whole thing out and then realised its not really relevant ...but I don't want to delete all that work , so ignore it if you wish ! -------------
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:23pm
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I have a slightly different question to the OP.
Do you/will you parent your daughters differently from your sons? (edited cause that made no sense at all) ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:25pm
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Do you mean parent them differently ?
I'll try to be as equal as possible, and as fair as possible , my brother has always been allowed to get away with a lot more than I have, and its always annoyed me -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:26pm
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double post -------------
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:35pm
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What a beautiful poem. Do you have it printed and framed somewhere? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 2:45pm
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Thankyou !
no....just in my head lol -------------
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 4:25pm
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We have certain strict rules in the house to keep her safe and those rules wont differ when Andrew comes along.
Any other routine however can be changed due to circumstances but we like to keep her nighttime routine the same. She is just more settle that way. However I think a lot of people will think we are overprotective and on the other hand a lot of people will think I allow my child to "backchat" or have too much of a say going in. I do allow her to speak her mind (respectfully) to even go off to her own room, scream, cry throw a tantrum and to come out and tell me exactly what she is feeling. She is totally open to come up to us and tell us she feels sad if we shouted or sad if we did something and we apologize as well. She really gets what she does wrong and she realises we make mistakes as well. And this child can negotiate for you. If I ask her to do something she will come with a counteroffer. Really well thought out and ask you to reconsider. We let is slide if it is on something thta isnt important. As to us your whole life sometimes is a negotiation. She is to respect others (but if they overstep it she is by all means to ask or to point it out). I am not in this whole thing that she should respect someone just due to age or authority and that she has every right to be respected back and that respect is earned. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 7:34pm
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Beautiful poem Kelly!!!!
I'll be parenting any kids I have with the same principles but methods may differ as personalities do. I agree that children deserve as much respect as anybody else and they should have the right to point out if their boundaries are being overstepped. My mum used to try and try to get me to understand that everybody deserves a level of respect just because they're human and it took me ages to get it but I think shes right. Everybody deserves basic respect simply because if you pick and choose who you respect then it isn't a standard IYKWIM. JMO
I want to build Jakes character so that he can make wise, kind and generous decisions, respecting others while having a very clear idea of what his personal boundaries are. But to teach I must model by treating him with respect, letting him know (respectfully but clearly) when he oversteps my personal boundaries, and making decisions for myself and him that are wise, kind and generous. Then hopefully they'll be principles that are natural to him coz thats mainly what he sees! Thats the tough part about being a parent I reckon - walking the talk -------------
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 21 May 2009 at 9:59pm
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I do parent my kids differently but its more the older/younger thing rather than boy/girl. I need to start consciously making things more equal as I see Caprece as a baby but when Jack was her age he was seen as a kid.
I'm kind of like you Kelly in that I try to see things from their point. That actually helped me in labour too, I was in pain but at least I wasn't having my head squashed. The thing is each child is an individual so we cant know what they are always thinking and what will/won't effect them for life. I think no matter what we do we will never be the 'perfect' parent because we cannot know what is 'perfect' for each child at each time. So as a parent I do the best I can but I know they are individuals and will turn out how they turn out. |