My vent
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27271
Printed Date: 01 April 2026 at 1:35pm
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Topic: My vent
Posted By: kebakat
Subject: My vent
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:04pm
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I'll say straight off I don't know what I'm looking for when I post this lol..
It's been 3 months since Jared and instead of my belly getting bigger its shrinking... which is a good thing in some ways haha. But things have been weird ever since Jared was born.. DH and I haven't slept in the same bed in 3 months. He usually falls asleep on the couch and stays there all night. Its just become a habit because we both had sleeping issues after he was born so it was easier that way we wouldn't wake each other up. We certainly haven't had sex either.. not that I have much desire to do that right now anyway. I feel really bad about my body now. It seems as soon as I get pregnant my body just gains lots of weight. With jared I made a real effort not to change my eating habits and despite that and throwing up I still gained very quickly and my tummy pisses me off and it's not like I'm being lazy about it. I am trying to loose weight both with exercise and my eating and I'm almost back down to my pre-preg weight but definitely not my pre-preg size. I really wish I could get a boob reduction. My back is soo stuffed and my boobs are so heavy and I hate them. My chiro supports that idea 100% but health insurance only covers about 25% of the cost so theres no way that's going to happen. And that really f**ks me off. Why am I paying for medical insurance if I can't get something like that done on medical grounds? I see Daniel play with other kids at lollipops or whereever and I really wish he had a sibling. When I was preggers with Daniel DH and I had this chat about how we really didn't want an only child. Now I'm frankly terrified of getting pregnant again... like waiting for AF this month I was freaking out in my head that I was pregnant even though there was no chance in hell that I could have been,kinda need to have sexual contact for that to happen lmao. I do want another child but the thought of all the anxiety of wondering whats going to happen does my head in, worry about an ectopic and abnormalities on top of it. Then theres the thought of morning sickness. I had it for 16 weeks with Daniel and 19 weeks with Jared. I know there are meds for it but it didn't do that much for me with jared and he ended up with a major abnormality so I'd be far too paranoid to touch any such drugs again, even though they wouldn't have caused his problems. Then wondering how much pregnancy would screw with my back even more. It still makes me bloody angry at how I was treated at palmy hospital over the whole medical abortion thing. It makes me incredibly angry that the ob that I saw there did not give me all the facts about Jareds condition and my options of what to do next - he didn't even tell me that I could abort, I had to ask him that. I think that's totally wrong. And his antiabortion views became more evident the more I saw him. The way that we were made to feel like we were hidden away when it came time to take the pills to start the abortion process was shocking and being forgotten about - we had 2 doctors tell us on the day that Jared was born that they had forgotten we were there. wtf! Writing a complaint didn't even do squat. Gah sometimes I wish everything would just go away. Just as a foot note I'm not at all depressed. I've taken a depression test and that's fine and my friend who is a psychologist agrees I'm not depressed. I've just had enough. I wish things were more simple. |
Replies:
Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:18pm
I couldn't just read and run. I don't really have anything I can say that will help in any way so I will just offer a  ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: ohanlon82
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:20pm
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Not to much to offer Stacey
Just wanted to give you a
------------- http://lb2f.lilypie.com/TikiPic.php/RPaODBg.jpg |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:28pm
Gosh Stacey don't really know what to say except god do you have a lot going on for you 
Thinking of you. As for the breast reduction, keep pestering your doctor about it - you can go on the public waiting list but be prepared - it took me 5 years to get mine. Hope things start to look up for you soon |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:33pm
 and from me too.------------- 
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Posted By: NewPhoenix
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:35pm
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. ------------- |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:37pm
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It so unfair what you have had to go through. I have no advice but didn't want to read and run
I know they probably don't mean much or help much but here are some cyber hugs ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:45pm
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Didnt want to read and run either.. sounds like you have gone through a lot.
I know how you feel in terms of your post-baby body though, I managed to lose a lot of weight but this damned tummy of mine just wont go away. It looks awful and I really wish I could get a tummy tuck! I really hope things start looking up for you, I was going to say, if you did feel like getting back in touch with your DH in the bedroom, perhaps commiting to doing it every day for a whole week, just to see where it gets you. Me and DH did that and it really worked wonders. I understand it is probably the last thing you feel like doing right now. Hugs! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:52pm
| I kinda can't do the bedroom stuff until further notice anyway. My chiro said that I'm not allowed to do any exercise including in the bedroom. Was funny when he said it but no sex for me. But maybe when my back is better I might, but then paranoia of getting preggers will probably put me off |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:58pm
Stacey, I don't have a clue what to say but didn't want to just read and run. You are an amazing woman, you've been through so much and you are totally entitled to a good vent  . Does your DH know how you're feeling? ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:59pm
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Stacey, I have nothing to offer but big to you.
I would also love a breast reduction one of these days but am resigned till waiting at least until I have finished having kids. Haven't even looked into whether medical insurance would pay for it but I imagine it won't here either. Sounds like the "medical professionals" at the hospital were anything BUT professional  Who did you write the complaint to?------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 1:59pm
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Is it worth contacting the Health & Disability commision regarding a complaint about the hospital, rather than going through the hospital. They have lots of stuff online about your rights as a patient, and you can lodge a formal complaint online - http://www.hdc.org.nz/complaints/making-a-complaint - http://www.hdc.org.nz/complaints/making-a-complaint
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 3:32pm
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Everything I would like to say, I'm sure you would've already have gone over thousands of times in your head so just some more hugs from me too
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 4:40pm
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awww big hugs to you hun,
mabye you and dh could have a nite just the 2 of you, no bedroom exercise tho,  but perhaps if you could get someone t watch daniel and just the 2 of you go to the movies or for dinner or something or have a night in and a nice dinner/takeaways movie wine & just relax with eachother talk, cuddles etc
also id ask who the head of your district health board is or even the chairman of the board & write the complaint directly to them addressed private & confidential, thats what we did when dh had his burst appendix forgotten about. anyway hope things get better for you guys  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 4:42pm
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also . . 1 of my friends had a reduction in 2004 and acc paid for part of it, mite be worth checking out if you havnt already
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 4:57pm
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Thanks for that link simsam.
DH knows some of it but not all. We actually get days to ourselves almost every weekend. Usually one of the sets of grandparents want to spend some time with Daniel. But we always just end up doing our own thing or DH decides to stay up with his parents and have a guys day watching sport with his dad (I can't stand watching sport). Thanks for the acc tip. I don't think it will make much difference though. We couldn't afford to pay any part of that kind of op. Our medical insurance would pay for 3800 I think. But the op is anywhere between 12-15k.. the difference is too much for us. Pity we don't earn the kind of money that the in laws do! |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 5:20pm
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Hugs Stacey. It's perfectly understandable that you're feeling a little ripped off - after everything you've been thru in the past year or so, I'd be more surprised if you were feeling like a box of birds.
I don't really have any constructive advice, just wanted to offer some cyber hugs  ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 7:38pm
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I talked with my doc a year back about getting on the public list for a breast reduction. She recommended getting a written assessment from a private clinic to support my case. So if you do want to go that route (and granted it will take a while) you should start up a file of supporting documents from your Chiro, and see if your doc can refer you for an assessment. I don't know if it would cost sorry.
Other than that What you've been through and are still going through totally sucks and I can't even begin to fathom it.-------------  
 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 7:45pm
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I'll just second what Bobbie said - I had a consultation with the specialist privately (he does the surgeries at the hospital too) so was able to get him to give me a fair assessment and tell me my chances etc, and it meant he knew my case which I'm sure helped a bit. Also nagging them (I would put it in my diary to go to the doc/chiro every 2-3 months) so it's well documented.
As for the post-baby body (gosh I'm sticking with the easy stuff as I don't know what to say about the harder stuff sorry) - I never got mine back and feel really crap about it now. I just feel so gross for such a young person, I shouldn't have saggy bits till I'm a granny 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 7:48pm
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Hi Stacey,
Only a suggestion but have you and DH been offered grief counseling? Venting on here is great, but not sure how well us ladies can help you through your grief and the loss of Jared. I don't want to sound like a dick, in that its possibly a lot to do with the grieving process' talking to someone who is trained and knows what their doing might be able to offer some good suggestions. |
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 7:59pm
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 9:21pm
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i think that what you are feeling is normal... but agree that maybe you and hubby should get some counselling - not an easy thing for a man tho, dont they just hate to share feelings....
re your body - weight loss is only 20% exercise, the rest diet.... but if you cant exercise at all then it is much harder... i def think you should look into other avenues for a breast reduction... and keep buying those lotto tickets... (a breast reduction is something i want too...well maybe a reshape and lift  )
lots of these from me too... and i agree, time will help eventually....------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 9:43pm
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No advice hun just lots of cyber hugs and to say you are doing extremely well considering ------------- Our Angel July 08 Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: shadowfeet
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 9:44pm
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I've read your story before, and still can't believe how badly you and your DH were treated by the medical 'professionals'.
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 9:46pm
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I don't really have much to say either except that I think its kinda understandable to be feeling the way you are. What did you and your DH used to do for dates when you first met? Maybe try doing that again?
Thinking of you hun xoxo |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 12:42am
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Oh Stace ....Im so sorry hun
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 8:42am
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DH has been talking to a social worker post Jared but I do not want a bar of it. Like I said in the original post I have a friend who is a psychologist and I do chat to her sometimes. But I can't help but have bad days/weeks.
hehe Rach, DH and I never did the date thing. We hooked up for sex - sounds bad but its true. Neither of us were big on going out on dates. I don't even think we have been to the movies together ever lol.. next time Daniel is at the grandparents I might organise something at home. We can't afford to do something out and about that costs at the mo. In the last week I've spent 90 at the chiro (and that's with acc) and then $30 at the doc and another $40 to get xrays done. Money just doesn't exist until DH's next pay. And I still have more chiro appts to go to. With the boob reduction. I might change my medical insurance to a more useful policy. If I can't get it done through that (I realise I'd have to have a wait to claim) because I've already asked about it then I might find a way of approaching DH and asking if his parents could pay the rest of it and we pay them back or something. Just an idea anyway |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 9:34am
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Stacey I've come into this thread a number of times and started writing a response but I just don't know what to say. I'm not surprised that after what you've been through you and your DH are having a bit of a rough patch, with time I'm sure it will come right.
Can't help on the boob reduction, I've got the opposite problem!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: JessDub
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 11:06am
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I really feel for you hun, and hope things will get better for you.
Can I suggest that you and DH start trying to sleep in the same bed again? Not for sex but just for your partnership and intimacy. My DF and I started the separate bed thing after DS was born. It got a little out of hand, relationship-wise, and us sleeping together - just even holding hands in bed - improved the relationship tenfold. Also, you don't need to be depressed to see a counsellor. Your GP should be able to recommend one. Just try a session - if it doesn't work for you, don't go back. But it can't hurt and as strong as it sounds like you are, another perspective may help. As mums and partners, we do have an obligation to look after ourselves foremost for the sake of our families. ------------- 
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 5:39pm
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Hey Stacey. I know you don't want to see a counsellor and that you have a friend to talk to but maybe someone you don't know is actually better...
My partner and I went to relationship counselling -he gets depressed and to be honest that was the only way I could get him to counselling, by wrapping it up in couples counselling when I knew that it was not US that had the problem but HIM. He so didn't want to go but since has found the coping mechanism useful and it was really good to get those emotions out that he really was too scared to admit to. So sometimes even though you think things are not your thing, if you find a counsellor who you click with it can do the world of good. DF is now on antidepressents and isn't ashamed to admit he is depressed whereas before he would never have told people that. I am not insinuating you are depressed, just saying that sometimes things work when you don't think they will. And as for the reconnection thing -that is probably pretty important. Start off with small things like going for a coffee together just the two of you, or take Daniel to the park and sit and watch him play. That way there is no pressure on either of you. Good luck and sorry I can't advise on the boobs or weight..I am def not a good example since am pudgy before getting utd.  ------------- 
Oct 11
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Posted By: kakapo
Date Posted: 03 July 2009 at 10:45pm
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Hi Stacey I'm so sorry to hear you lost Jared The anxiety you feel towards pregnancy seems like a perfectly natural response to me, given the journey you've been through to date. I just can't even begin to imagine how people willingly become pregnant again after something like this (I certainly don't think I would have the strength to face up to all the "what ifs?" myself). If you feel like reading it, there is a very touching story from one such couple http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/library_page1/still_born/423/1 - here ....the main focus of the story is on their still born son Bryn. I'm in two minds as to whether to post this next bit, as it sounds very "me, me, me" I guess what I really want to say is, it sounds like you guys have heaps to work through before making any final decisions about whether or not to TTC again - but it's still early days, so try not to put too much pressure on yourselves at this stage. Sending loads of positive vibes and cyber hugs your way. |
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 06 July 2009 at 9:53pm
| hugs Stacey , not sure what to say either, I know of a couple of ladies who had a very similar experience to you in regards to loosing your very special boy Jared, they both went on to have more children and they were healthy pregnancies and births etc, it is such a pot luck with pregnancy, I know for myself have a prem at 30 weeks was very stressful and we were blessed that she had no diffulculties, I was very stressed with my last pregnancy thinking the same thing could happen again but it didn't , you will know when the time is right and it will be very hard and I pray that you will be blessed with another healthy child hugs xxxx |