New baby, stepkid and the EX wife oh my!
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Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27433
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Topic: New baby, stepkid and the EX wife oh my!
Posted By: lemongirl
Subject: New baby, stepkid and the EX wife oh my!
Date Posted: 12 July 2009 at 4:27pm
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My partner has a five year-old daughter and a psycho ex wife from his marriage.
I actually don't worry that much about my partner's daughter's reaction. She's really good around babies and enjoys helping me around the house (even insists that she gets to push the buttons on the washing machine when it's time to do laundry!) so I suspect that she'll be at worst be fine with the new addition, but more than likely will be really happy to have a sibling even if it is only a 'half.' The ex is another story. She is almost a caricture of every horrible sterotype about ex wives. She tries to cancel/delay visits, slams down the phone when my partner tries to phone his daughter and is constantly filling the daughter's head with horrible lies about my partner and I. The other day the little girl wanted to know if I really stole all of daddy's because it was making mummy really sad! Further confounding things is that my partner is also in the middle of a custody battle to move into a shared care arrangement with his daughter which is the ex is fighting tooth and nail as she will lose substantial child support payments (currently $330 pw). We are at the point of having a psychological report done which is the last stop before a full hearing. I worry that once the ex finds out I'm pregnant she's likely to go even nuttier than she already is. Any tips on navigating that particular minefield? We aren't goint to tell the daughter until at least 12 weeks but we are going to do our best to include her in the pregnancy and make her feel special and loved in her new 'big sister' role. |
Replies:
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 12 July 2009 at 4:45pm
Firstly major congrats on baby!!!! Thats really awesome 
Thats really rough whats going on with your partners ex-wife (OMG $330 a week  my ex thought $100 a week was sending him broke!!!!) and I don't have any advice except make it super super super clear ALL the time how special your step-daughter is and how much she's loved. You're probably doing this already of course I imagine this pregnancy will be added ammo for the ex and she'll do her very best to make the daughter feel insecure and unloved by the two of you coz of the baby.
You have my fullest sympathies. Sorry I don't have anymore advice I just didn't wana read and run!! -------------   
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Posted By: Krissie
Date Posted: 12 July 2009 at 4:48pm
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I hate to say it but she probably will go even more psycho on you guys, but just let it wash over you. If you even acknowledge her 'tantrums' she'll only get worse. My Mom always said the best thing to do to your enemies.... Is be nice to them.... It drives them nuts when they're trying to get a fight out of you and you just smile and ignore it. Focus on your family and she'll eventually realise that she wasting her time, or she'll get bored and stop. Worst case is that she'll go really nutty and loose it completely, but then she'll probably loose the custody battle if she does. Stay calm and always be the bigger person. Hope this helps and good luck! ------------- 
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Posted By: Shezzey
Date Posted: 12 July 2009 at 6:15pm
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Hi Lemongirl, firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy Like Krissie says, best thing is to keep your side of things tidy and keep doing the right thing so that she doesnt have any ammo against you and also that her negative energy can't flow into your happy family unit. Good Luck |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 12 July 2009 at 9:00pm
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Congrats on your pregnancy...
IM(not so humble)O I think that people that use their children in the middle of a battle of adults are the lowest of the low.... Sorry can't add much else other than what everyone else has said ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 14 July 2009 at 11:37am
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My cousin (who I used to flat with) was in an identical situation as you. Yes, the ex-wife went completely nuts when she heard about the pregnancy. We think she finally realised that things were not going back the way she wanted them. My cuz had to go through the whole child psychology thing AND supervised visits etc etc and the Ex's dad was also a lawyer (to make things extra hard). BUT after about 18 months (sorry, it did take that long) she finally realised that joint custody could work for her as well as it gave her time off. The breakthrough was when their child got in trouble at school for hitting another kid she actually called the Hubby to talk to him about it as she thought he was a good role model!
Good luck, and patience. |
Posted By: paulainauckland
Date Posted: 14 July 2009 at 1:42pm
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HI there - congrats on your pregnancy! I too have the ex from hell (and hello, he left when Miss 14 was only 10 months) and he delights in making the susequent pregnancies difficult.
Having said that, he can only make it as difficult as I let him. We moved to using Barnados and the Salvation Army Together Time as changeover venues (he could not arrive until 15 min after I left, and any aberation and misbehaviour on his or my DD's part was reported to the court); I kept a record and saved text messages, and got my DF and I a really good counsellor just to vent to. Then I ignored the bad behaviour, just like he was a toddler. Much, much more beneficial to me - my BP lowered and this time around he's been hardly any trouble. Could you apply to the court for the 10 sessions of counselling and have some of them joint with your partner's ex, so that there is a proffessional's record of how she reacts to the news? Please feel free to PM me if you need anything. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 14 July 2009 at 2:15pm
Hey chic congrats on the impending arrival  I don't have much in the way of advice but this ex sounds like a nightmare. Still it must be a slight consolation to know that you get to rub it in a little with this new bubba Haha! she may be pissed but thats only because shes clearly ill equipped to deal with the real world and needs a reality check/kick in the rear. And hey if she does go over the edge some more it sounds like that just puts you guys in a better position to get shared custody of the daughter. -------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |