An ongoing battle....
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Topic: An ongoing battle....
Posted By: Snappy
Subject: An ongoing battle....
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 10:41am
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Housewives vs the husbands that is.
I would love to hear if anyone has successfully managed to break through the constant bickering over who does what in the house and with the kids, and how you managed to do it fairly? My problem is a strange one, in that my husband actually does housework, and he goes to work. Why am I complaining?  He does just that, from the moment he wakes up, till he goes to bed, he concentrates on himself and the things he likes to do (he has OCD and spends a large amount of his time re-arranging things. )
He is a shift worker, with different shifts every week, which also makes it hard for us to set down some sort of routine. Last shift he had, he worked 3pm- 11pm for 7 days straight. (Leaves at 2pm - back at 11.30pm) He would sleep till 10am, wake up and watch 2 hours worth of cycling replays, go and put the washing on, fold it, then go to work. He had 3 days off last week, and on those days he pretty much planned his day around what he wanted to do. Slept in, cycle rides, cleaned his bike, did some washing, watched movies. On Friday afternoon I asked him if he could pick Janaya up from school and he went off at me. He has explained to me that the reason he went off, is because me asking him to do that was "not in his plans" of the day. He has asked that i ask him the night before what I plan on doing, so it gives him time to get his head around it. This to me is absolutely crazy, and as I explained to him, it would be like him dumping a pile of washing on me and asking me to fold it, and then me going off at him about how its not in my "plans" - Its not a bloomin day exhursion I was asking for, it was picking up HIS daughter from school. Theres been times where Ive asked if we should get out of the house, and hes made some sort of exuse. Then 10mins later hes watching a movie or cleaning his bike, he just "Sticks" to his plans that he makes in his head. Not only is he organising everything in the house, hes organising his whole day in advance, which to me is a little bit freaky! He thinks I am lucky as he is not like most males, as he does housework. I am just so tired of being a "Solo" parent. Sometimes when he has the day off, I just want to go out for a coffee together, or even go and browse around at the shops. I would rather I do the housework while he takes Jackson, even change a nappy or sit down and play with him. I find it hard watching him get his stuff ready for work every night, and wonder how many hours he has wasted in his life, refolding things and organising things. I am at the point now where I just feel like we cant go on like this anymore, how is a relationship supposed to work if i have to book in the night before with a request for time? Anyone got any suggestions? |
Replies:
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 10:51am
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DH and I just sorted out our problems with the house and parent stuff.. what we came up with was..
We each have responsibilities.. ie. I clean up the living room, DH looks after the kitchen. On the weekends we each have to do 2 things outside of general housework around the house, like sweep up leaves or wash windows in a room. And no more than 2 things so our whole weekend isn't taken up by cleaning. DH has to take Daniel on an outing somewhere every weekend. Could be to the park or swimming or shopping or anything like that, and he has to think of it himself without my prompting. On the weekends DH and I make an effort to do 50% of the parenting tasks. I make an effort not to just do everything and DH has to make more of an effort to think what Daniel needs (like snacks, play time or lunch etc) and do them not wait for me to prompt him. We also have "husband wifey" time which is a set time every night after Daniel goes to bed where we spend time together and then we get our own time to do what we want |
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 10:51am
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My only suggestion and this is something I did very recently, is to write down exactly what you do in a day.
Mine was inspired after my DH called me a stupid b*tch (he had broken his ribs and I laughed over something - long story). He is so not normally like that but it really hurt my feelings. So I wrote down exactly what I had done for him that weekend (it was a HUGE list, let me tell you) and I gave it to him. Since then, he has been much better at helping out (in fact since I got preggers he has pretty much taken over in the housework stakes). He also doesn't let me forget that I wrote that list, which I think is good - he actually took it in. He doesn't have OCD, in fact, he probably has the opposite but even still, it might be worth a go? I was going to suggest that you write down everything that needs to be done in a day/week and who does what but its made hard by your DH's odd shifts. And maybe you guys need to talk with someone about it all? But in the meantime  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 11:03am
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Sounds like he is living a very insular existence and not wanting to communicate or do things with the family which is concerning. Perhaps counselling would work, or maybe even the suggestion of counselling would coax him into talking about it with you?
Around the chores, my DH and I have an understanding - he does the outside (we have a big garden), I do the inside (hoursework) and we share the cooking 50/50. Works really well for us. |
Posted By: xLUCKYx
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 11:06am
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Hey kaiz,
Your situation sounds unique because of your DH's OCD so maybe he can take care of some 'routines' for the kids? When he is home in the am maybe he can do breakfast, and getting the kids ready, and when he is there in pm, bed and bath? Not sure how you guys work your days out but sound slike he needs to have it all sorted in his head so if he gets allocated 'blocks' of time to care for them it might help, and he will be doing something to give you a break and spend time with the kids. Hope this helps, theres no easy answers when it comes to getting the other half to do what we want lol. Like the list idea curious g - thats great!! |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 11:11am
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He said he would "Rather call it a day" than go to counselling ever again *Sigh* We went a few years ago as a couple and in the end the guy told us the problem was with DH and his issues needed to be resolved before we could go any further. DH never went.
He does do things with us, its just its only if its "planned". He just cant cope with things not going to plan. If I agree to do something at a certain time, I cant go back on it or he'll have a meltdown. Same with being on time for things, if I say I will meet him at 4pm and its 4.03pm hes fuming. We are exact opposites though, Im all over the place and messy! Kebatat - I like your idea of the weekend outing, I guess for us we'll have to make it a "on your next day off" outing. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 11:23am
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Have you thought about sitting down with him when he gets his roster and planning what you want him to do and when you want him to do it. He sounds like someone who needs a structured day and doesn't like surprises.
Do you have a calender/diary you can use to plan the week ahead. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 12:08pm
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I don't really have that problem, but try writing out a schedule for eachday for your DD and make sure that he knows where it is and is aware of what happens eachday and ask him if he could maybe choose something eachday that he could do for your dd to help with the day. My DP works shifts as well, although his roster is pretty much set in stone (which is a relief and only cos they know both of us would kick up a fuss) I know that on Tues unless something is happening or someone is away DP is on a day shift and Wed-Sat is nights so I get to deal with the nights on my own. I'm also lucky in the sense that DP will do housework if and when asked, and atm he tends to do everything for both DD and I AND the housework, we like this alot ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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It has taken a few years to get to this point however he wouldn't do anything and we used to argue over the fact that if he did anything round the house I always said thank you to him, and when I did things he would never say anything. He didn't get the fact that the acknowledgment that I had done the washing etc was all I was after as it was "just something that needed to be done". Now we both say thanks and ask if there is anything we want the other to do generally speaking it works.Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 12:34pm
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Yeah sounds like a difficult situation with the OCD, and like others have said, it seems he could benefit from a roster of some kind? I'm not meaning a full on chores roster, but one where he can clearly see at certain days/times you have family time, or alone time, or whatever.. and he/you can work on chores the rest of the time (so he still has "control" of when he does everything else).
If you sat down together and did it one night, and agreed to start it the following week (so he has plenty of time to register the idea) then he can start planning in his head how the days with rostered time frames will work. Good luck, I hope you can work something out. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 1:48pm
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Yeah it could work, I guess its just hard with us being so different. I am one to just get up and go, where as he likes to plan things.
He manages to just "Decide" to do things like a bike ride or watching a movie, so it sometimes makes me wonder.... The one thing I worry about is times where I am sick, or when things just dont go as planned. He just cant cope. Last week I put my back out and the moment I needed help with the kids he didnt want to know about it. |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 2:05pm
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We have a different dynamic operating in our house as DP has a daughter and he is good about making dinner. However he hardly ever does the dishes and laundry (save ironing his shirts) and I often have to nag to get him to tidy up his daughter's mess.
Best thing we ever did for our relationship was get a cleaner in once a fortnight to do the stuff we don't like doing (surfaces, vacuuming, bathroom). However I understand many don't have the dosh for that. |
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 2:11pm
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Something that worked for us was me writing a list of ALL the jobs that needed to be done over a week and then, with that list on the table between us we both SILENTLY wrote a list of which jobs we were each HAPPY to do. Once we had the list of what jobs we were happy to do we went back to the master list and found what jobs were left in the 'no-body wants to do me' list. Funnily we found it was not many. We then divied them up between us. What surprised me was the jobs that DH didn't mind doing that I had felt were a big deal. And vice versa. Based on the list, we split the housework and outside tasks and although we sometimes still bicker (who doesn't) the fact that we 'chose' our jobs, rather than were 'told' to do them makes life easier. Sorry to hear that DH won't go to a counselling session...as it seems to me you're dealing with more than housework issues (I don't think kids are housework) - sorry for adding my opinion when it doesn't help and is none of my business...just can't help myself.
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 2:27pm
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Thanks ladies
Yes surfergirl you're right. We dont have any issues around housework. He does a lot, in the evenings if he is home we have a great routine where I do the kids, and cook dinner, and he tidies the toys up and does the dishes. I think he is feeling like I dont appreciate him, and I feel a bit mad about that, as I dont want him to spend an hour cleaning things that dont need to be cleaned. He will come out and tell me what hes been up to, and ask for a thankyou. And I just feel so resentful and think "Did you thank me when I got up 6 times last night? When you had a sleep in? When you got to go out for a bike ride for 3 hours?" You know what I mean? I know in order for things to get better I will just have to start saying thank you more often (I do say thank you usually, its just some days I dont feel appreciated myself) I can be running around after Jackson for an hour and DH will say "You have done nothing for an hour". |
Posted By: WRXnKids
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 4:46pm
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maybe next time he comes in asking for a thank you thank him nicely then do the same that way you both get appreciated and he might realise your deserving of the same. Everytime DP tells me ive been doing nothing i leave him with josh while i go do some housework or something and more often than not less than 30 mins go by and he is asking me to come watch josh again and i remind him i have to watch and occupy him while i get everything done during the day.
Maybe you need to give him a couple of day plans so he can 'get his head around them' like tell him if he has a week day off he must put pick up the kids in his day plan or an 'if you are sick' plan so that he know what he needs to do when on those days. Unfortunately if he isnt going to get help for his problem you will just have to go with as much as you can otherwise if you keep fighting it you will just end up hating each other and maybe losing the relationship. I know its nice to just decide to go out for coffee but obviously his OCD makes that really stressful for him so make it part of his plan. I hope it doesnt sound like im taking sides or anything like that - i know i couldnt live with someone like that but if he really does have OCD its unlikey something he can control and until he gets help for it you cant control or change it either but you can control how it affects you both by accepting what you cant control but i think you know that already and are just needing to have a vent about it more than anything -------------   
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 5:08pm
| I agree WRXandJosh, it's not like you are saying your DH is lazy and useless and just being annoying for the sake of it. He has a medical condition which he really needs help with otherwise it is going to be an ongoing issue between you. Did he have OCD when you first got together? Has it got worse recently or just beginning to pile up on you? I really feel for you! |
Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 5:57pm
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The ocd complicates what is a problem most women have with their men - dividing chores. I think that you will have to work with that and plan things in so he feels comfortable with it otherwise he just won't budge. You've been trying the other way for ages now and it ain't working so time to try something new.
My dh and i share the jobs in quite regimented ways because he is such a mummy's boy he could barely wipe his bum when we met! So i got sick of having to nag him to do things and we divided the jobs equally. So he did the floors and rubbish/compost/worms and i did the laundry, kitchen and bathroom. I let him pick his jobs since i didn't really care. After that it was sweet he just got on and did his jobs and i did mine no more nagging yay! Now i'm at home i do most of them. With dinner he cooks Mon, Wed and Fri and i do Tues, Thurs, Sat. Whoever doesn't cook does the dishes. With baby tasks it's a bit the same we divide them equally. Maybe sit down with his schedule and 'book in' baby tasks and family outings, write it up and put it on the fridge. It may feel like you shouldn't have to do this but he really can't help feeling these compulsions and not tolerating spontaneity and it might just be easier. And then you'll get to do the things you want too. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 6:55pm
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Thanks ladies
The OCD thing is not official, its my own diagnosis, he doesnt think he has it. On occasions he can watch the house turn to an absolute bombsite and he wont flinch, he will have his "lazy" days so he doesnt think he has it, as its not there 100% of the time. I think its a really good idea to write down what I want though, even if I pop on the calendar "spend an hour with Janaya" or something like that. He likes to see things written down, I find if the kids need things or I need new shoes, if I write a big list of what we all need he just loves crossing off the list and doing things that way 
It hasnt really got any worse, the only thing that has happened recently is that he talked to me and yelled at me terribly when I had asked him to pick up Janaya from school. Usually we have turns on his days off, so it wasnt an issue (so i thought) to ask him to pick her up. But he really snapped because he was busy watching a movie,and had obviously decided that was what he was doing that afternoon. So things have really just come to a head for me, its almost like walking on eggshells. |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 7:22pm
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ok I skipped some of the replies but has he ever been accessed for Autism? Like a mild form as he can function normally just has some ticks... Alot of autistic (like aspergers people) love routine - and if broken it can be major to them, like they just cant cope. My understanding is if you tell him in advance (or get him to plan it into his routine he is fine?) ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 7:48pm
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No he hasnt - but you have me wondering Chickaboo.
What are the other symptoms of autism? He is crazy with numbers too, might go and do some googling. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 8:00pm
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Oh my...
Typical adult symptoms More males than females have Asperger syndrome. While every person who has the syndrome will experience different symptoms and severity of symptoms, some of the more common characteristics include: Average or above average intelligence Inability to think in abstract ways Difficulties in empathising with others Problems with understanding another person's point of view Hampered conversational ability Problems with controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety Adherence to routines and schedules, and stress if expected routine is disrupted Inability to manage appropriate social conduct Specialised fields of interest or hobbies. This is him to a T!!!! |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 8:33pm
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ok i havent read all the replies but wanted to let you know that he is not that unusual. My husband is just the same...unless he has planned it he cant cope, gets all antsy and upset. he explained it like a map...where he has planned out what he is doing and it is programmed in so if i say suddenly will you just drop in at so and so he gets upset cause he has to make detours off his map. it does make it hard to be spontaneous, but you just have to give people like that warning so they can plan or map it out.... so for instance my husband always takes gabriel to school on his day off, he knows that so there is no surprises. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 27 July 2009 at 9:41pm
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there is alot of adults out there undiagnosed and aspergers is not the end of the world its more an understanding - once you can identify the cause you can begin to understand it and then work with it (rather than against cause they simply CAN"t change - not the case of just not wanting to) Also once your hubby understands it he will be able to be a little flexible although not really much due to connection from the brain and over loads etc...
I am not saying your DH has this just sounded alot like it - only you and him can know (and a phycologist (sp) if you want to go that way (oryour Dh would do it) eta; I see you have been googling - hopefully it has helped mentioning it too :-) BTW - you said he was good with numbers: remember the movie the rainman? That was based on an adult man with Autisum (not aspergers) but to an extreme there is so many variants to the spectrum. and what ones has doesn't mean the other does but what does seem to be the most common is routine and if there is a lack of one or change its a major drama. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 28 July 2009 at 7:34am
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Thanks girls. I can cope with changing the way I ask him to do things, thats no issue, i think the hardest thing is the way he flips out when I ask him things. Looking at all of those symptoms it all makes sense. The other day I had a little boy here suffering from asthma and he badly needed an inhaler, and DH refused to let me give him his one. There have been so many times where ive thought "do you HAVE a heart?!" Other times he will bring up a topic (usually sports) and if I disagree with what he is saying he completely flips out and refuses to listen to me. He will often ask my opinion on things and if I dont say what he wants to hear, again he flips out and swears at me etc.
With the numbers thing, hes not a genius or anything, but if i give him 10 figures of say what Ive purchased he can tell me the answer almost straight away. He works out how much petrol we get per litre etc. Theres no pythagarus (sp!- and i dont even know if thats maths lol) or anything like that.... Its like ALL of my complaints all link to this asperges! |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 28 July 2009 at 2:43pm
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It sounds like you are in a tough place at the moment.
The problem is you cannot help anyone who does not want it or see a need for it. So at the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you are happy & can you put up with it. I know that sound hard but there is only so much you can take, you don't want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells. If you are not in a position where you can lay it all out for him, how you feel & what you want out of life, then I would write a list for him with stuff that he has to do, & maybe he needs to be treated a bit like a kid & have TV time limited & you be the boss. It must be hard because you want a husband & a father for the kids, but you are allowed to be happy & enjoy your life. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 28 July 2009 at 5:24pm
| Thanks - I have spoken to him about aspergers and the symptoms and he thinks he has it. I called the autism line and they gave me a number to call to get DH assessed, $150 PER HOUR!!! And they need 8 sessions with him. I dont have $1200!!! |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 28 July 2009 at 8:10pm
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wow can't you go to the dr's and see if he can refer you instead?
There is an NZ autistic website http://www.autismnz.org.nz/ May put you in touch with a local group in your area (normally is one in most areas) and they would be the best people to talk to about how to get diagnosed or get help for you and your DH. Ps i am glad he is happy to accept that he may have it. Pm me anytime I do have close family experience with aspergers. looking where you live there is an office in wellington - just ring them and see what they suggest: http://www.autismnz.org.nz/Branches/Wellington.php - WellingtonArea ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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