going it alone
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27936
Printed Date: 04 October 2025 at 12:02am
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Topic: going it alone
Posted By: mebymyself
Subject: going it alone
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 1:16pm
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Hi
I am a long time member however I don't want my username to get out as I don't really know what to do at the moment. I have children with some age range in them. I have just found out my DH (would like to call him exDH) has had an affair. Now I know there are a few of you that are once a cheat always a cheat - but I dont want to hear this, and I will get angry if it is posted so please don't. What I do want to know is how to go about doing it alone. I am thinking of going that way, just because of the of my mind is at the moment. I know it will be hard and it will hurt, so real life stories would be great. If you post something and I know you I will let you know who I am. If you guess who I am please don't say anything on here - I would appreciate that. Thanks |
Replies:
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 1:21pm
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your local CAB will probably have some great ideas. you will need to talk to winz i imagine about getting a benefit...
for me i would want to make sure that he really did have an affair and not just go on the say so of someone else...but i suppose asking a man straight out is no guarantee of a true answer! you may need to see a solicitor and i know that there is a really great video out there about the impact of seperation on children and how to handle that with them. i am not too sure on where to get hold of that, maybe CAB or a solicitor o the family court will hav that resource available. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 1:34pm
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My best friend's husband cheated when her daughter was 6 months old.
It cost her a lot of $$ to go on her own, and in the end she made Dh pay for the divorce as he was the one who cheated. She has maintained a relationship with him as the father of her daughter but he gets off pretty easily and doesn't contribute much to her welfare. He then went on to cheat again, and had to explain to Caitlin why. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 1:44pm
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I havent been in your position, but I just wanted to say that I hope that whatever you decide that you are okay, and that things work our for you. It must be a really difficult thing to go through, and my thoughts are with you.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 1:58pm
I just wanted to give you a big  you must be feeling pretty stunned, numb and upside down right now.
I also wanted to say you won't be alone, you have your kids and your family and all of OB for support. If you haven't had a good chat with your parents (if they're around) then they might be a good place to start? When my friend and her DP split, she found WINZ really helpful when she called them. They're not all bad and they are pretty understanding. ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 1:59pm
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You could start by seperating your affairs, sorry poor choice of words.
But establishing seperate bank accounts, getting the power and phone in your name alone etc. If there is debt on his part you can end up being responsible for it. While I haven't been in this position personally, I have been through this with my SIL as my brother cheated and then left her, its been 3 years and pretty tough on her. Watching what she's been through and my other friend it can work out and be amicable. In both cases the kids have maintained good relationships with their fathers which is important. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 2:32pm
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I just wanted to give you some
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do  ------------- 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 2:33pm
So sorry to hear this 
It's a hard one as my ex partner was actively looking to cheat although I've got no idea whether he did or not. When we separated, I pretty much just took care of everything myself. I organised to get the domestic purposes benefit, asked them if they would help me with a bond, got myself a nice little place for Sam and I and then once we were settled, I had to go through the IRD to sort out child support and things like that. He doesn't pay it but that doesn't affect me while being on a benefit. It's hard not having someone else there, even though my ex was horrible, it's quite a daunting experience being on your own. To be honest, I have found it empowering, and it has made me immensely stronger than before. I have to be out the door in 10 minutes so will leave it at that, but feel free to PM me anytime, I might not be much help, but I have been there (on my own) and (dealing with a person who has/might have cheated) Sorry again that this has happened.
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Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 2:38pm
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So sorry to hear you're going through this. I have experienced being cheated on, but not when kids are involved.
Like others have said, definitely look at the financial side of things in terms of how you will manage and what money you can get when you're on your own. These articles might be of use to you: http://www.self-help.co.nz/Articles/Finances/Separating+your+Money.html - Separating your money http://www.relate.org.nz/Relationships/Separating/Separation/tabid/211/Default.aspx - Dealing with Separation |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 2:54pm
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I don't have any life experience to share but I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry that you're having to go through this. It must be absolutely devastating and terrifying.
Big 's -------------  
 
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Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 3:21pm
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I don't have any advice for you, however I'm so sorry you are going through this ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: Turtle
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 3:25pm
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Sorry to hear what you a going through. It is a tough time to try and make any decisions.
I don't know much about supporting yourself financially etc, but the one thing I can recommend is that you talk to your parents/siblings/close friend and let them know. I am sure at the moment it could be quite hard to even say the words, but I am sure the support you get will be worth it. |
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 3:38pm
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I also have no experience but urge you to take your time and think about everything very carefully. I feel for you.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 3:57pm
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Big hugs!!
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 4:33pm
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You poor thing, it must devastating to be going through this. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, haven't been through this myself, but you know you have the support from all on ohbaby whatever you decide to do.
edited for spelling ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 5:01pm
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I dont have any advice as I havent been in this situation, but I wish you all the best..
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 5:36pm
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If possible give yourself some time. I know people in both 'camps' those who have gone on alone and those who have managed to patch things up. Either way it is possible and do-able. If you have a safe place to go and take some time out I'd recommend it. I second the CAB recommendations and also, perhaps your community law office. As each situation is unique it's hard to advise more. But mostly ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 6:10pm
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If you are absolutely sure that you want to go, then I guess you need to sit down and work out what you want to take with you, are you sure that you want to leave your home, or is it doable that he leaves? How much money will you have to yourself, once you organise DPB, child support etc.
I would definitely seek legal advice too, then perhaps some counselling for yourself just to help you thru this time. Hopefully things will become more clearer for you over the next few days. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 6:35pm
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Horrible thing to happen to anyone. Happened to me but no kids were involved and I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I tried to stick it out for a while 'cause it was good (apart from the cheating bit) but found that to protect myself I had already put some distance between us. I found I'd stopped involving him in my day to day life and he was just someone I lived with. The day I left was really traumatic and filled with self doubt but it'd been a fairly miserable 6 months. But that night I felt like a weight had been lifted off me and suddenly my life could head any direction I wanted again. I had moments of doubt afterward, mostly whenever I talked to him (we'd had 6 fabulous years together) but mostly I just felt good about moving on. Somehow you'll get by financially. Just make sure you can cope emotionally with whatever you do. Good luck, hang in there. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 6:59pm
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I don't believe once a cheater is always a cheater. Sometimes yes, but not always.
I imagine the thing to do would be to find out what your financial assistance entitlements would be, consult a solicitor and start considering your financial situation eg. consider what costs and expenses you would be facing on your own. It sounds like jumping the gun a bit to be working out a budget, but I imagine that you're incredibly shocked and emotional and seriously angry, so maybe making lists of debts say, or budgets etc and working out what you'd be looking at may give you something to channel your thoughts onto in the immediate without moving straight into the heavy duty stuff of consulting a solicitor etc. Of course, that also depends on your husband and his position eg. would you perhaps need to move forward and get an order to occupy so that he has to leave (if say you were concerned that he may take the kids if he thinks you'll leave and take them). Gah. I wish I could say something constructive ... perhaps I should have just offered up hugs!!! I do hope you will be ok. I hate to think that whoever you are, you're out there with this without support there for you (yes, you've asked the forum, but it's not quite the same as someone sitting on the couch with a box of tissues calling him a w*nker and keeping the chocolate rolling is it? Or ushering the kids about while you try to process what has happened). ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: monkey33
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 7:25pm
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BIG hugs to you, whoever you are. It must have been very devastating news for you.
I agree with the advice to think things through carefully and counselling is also a great idea. The ladies before me have already given great advice on how to get help financially. I also hope that you have someone that is feeding you chocolate or wine and just remember that whatever happens is your decision and don't worry about what anyone thinks. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 7:48pm
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I dont know what else i can add to what has already been said but i wanted to send you some super cyber 's hun! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BeLoved
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 8:00pm
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Firstly big hugs to you! and I will share with you my personal experience of something similar.
Before meeting my DH, I was in a long term relationship with my ex that turned violent and there was cheating & drugs involved too, we were not married and did not have children but we had lived together for along time (over 4 years) had many shared possessions plus pets. When I decided to leave I planned what I was going to do over a week or so and involved a couple of friends and family in my plans, I then went about doing all that I needed to do before leaving our rented accommodation. I took what was mine and the animals and a few of our other shared possessions and then I left. If it was not for my family and friends I don't know how I would of gotten through it (they did not know about the violence but knew I had to get out) I stayed with my parents until I could get back on my feet and I also work in the legal field so was able to source advice quite easily but legal aid is always an option and there are many other organisations that can help too as mentioned by others. There are some really great lawyers out there who deal with this sort of thing alot and I would be inclined to ask around to see if you can get a recommendation for someone who could really help with this side of things. It was not until I met DH and our realtionship progressed that I realised I needed counseling as I had no trust of men whatsoever, when things hit rock bottom for me I knew I had to get help or else loose the most important person in my life. I saw a male counsellor which I think was great as I had to trust him and it really really helped me. Since then I have turned that side of my life completely around and I trust my DH 100% and he is in a job that takes him overseas alot and is also in the public eye but it does not bother me at all, if it was not for counselling I would not be able to do this. It was one of the toughest things I have ever gone through in my life but I have come out the other side, and I do trust, which I really thought I never would again. I personally believe that everyone is different and people can change if they want to, you have to do what you feel is right for you even if that is not the same thing as you thought it was yesterday. I hope that everything works out they way you want, and as everyone has said I wish I could do more. Sorry for the novel! ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 8:14pm
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I would be leaving, I'd be asking him to go.
You need a stable environment for the kids, he's the one that's cheated. I'd be kicking his arse to the kerb to think about what he's done. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Natalie_G
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 8:47pm
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Sorry to hear about your situation hun, I hope it all works out for you.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 06 August 2009 at 9:21pm
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So sorry to hear about this. I suggest going in for an initial meeting with a lawyer they can tell you a lot in a matter of minutes (seriously, I only had a 10 minute phone call and found out all I needed to know).
Also I suggest NOT separating finances, phone bills etc if you are still living at the same address - you could end up paying hefty bills if things turn nasty etc. If still joint, you are both liable for the cost. |
Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 07 August 2009 at 8:23am
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Hugs to whoever you are. It's pretty saddening to hear of someone in our little community who is no doubt hurting really bad.
I second a lot of what others have said. It is of utmost importance that you get some real life support. I hope you have a best friend, or someone else you can trust, who can be there and be the shoulder you need. When I was cheated on, (not by my DH but by my previous serious relationship), I didn't tell anyone for a long time. We tried to sort things out, so I kept it a secret. I was embarrassed and felt that it was my fault. When I finally did tell someone it was such a relief, and that person told me all the things I needed to hear, as well as being really kind to me. It made such a difference. Even if you choose to stay, you are going to need someone that you can go to when you're feeling sad/frustrated/scared. Secondly, I would definately seek some legal advice. If you can't afford to pay a lawyer, then see CAB, or you might find that if you're in one of the bigger towns that there are Community Lawyers available, CAB will be able to tell you that. They're basically lawyers who do some pro bono work as well. I have used them once and they were very good. If you're working, or even if you're not, going in to see WINZ will give you a heap of information. Take any information about income you have, as well as your husband's if you know it. They'll be able to tell you how they can help, and that will probably give you some confidence. Lastly, I really hope you're ok. xx |
Posted By: RoSee
Date Posted: 07 August 2009 at 9:57am
There is alot of excellent advise been given to you 
I'm on my own with my now 5 month old son, we left his father when he was 7 weeks old. It wasn't due to cheating... in a way it was I guess just not with another person, he was using drugs & gambling without my knowledge. I was scared to leave, scared to be on my own bringing up a child, but was constantly miserable being with his father. And you know what? Since the day I left, I have never had that miserable feeling. I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time, and I know that is the best thing for my son... to be in a happy loving environment. Everyone is different, some people could get on with it and ignore the fact he'd cheated, and some would just think of it every time they looked at him. Take some time, go for walks and really think about what it is you want to do. The amount of feelings you must be having right now will be making you seem so confused. If you decide to seperate, being on you're own isn't that hard It takes time but you'll learn to enjoy your own company and not feel like you need someone else there. And WINZ is really great, they will help you financially, just go talk to them and tell them your situation... it might help you feel at ease with making your decision.
I really really hope everything works out for you Be strong!! Xx------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
 September '11
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 07 August 2009 at 10:06am
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Aww that must be a huge shock and I agree with everyone else, take your time to think it through. Make sure you do what you really want to do not what you or others think you 'should' do.
Having recently split up from my partner I know how scary the though of being a single Mum is but you know what its actually not that bad. Go to WINZ and bring a support person because they aren't always the nicest in there to see your options. I actually think you can work out your entitlement through their website if you would prefer that.
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Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 07 August 2009 at 11:24am
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I don't have other advice to what has already been suggested but I just wanted to wish you luck and send huge hugs your way.
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Posted By: IVFGirl1111
Date Posted: 07 August 2009 at 12:26pm
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I agree with Laurie it is sad to hear of someone hurting so bad in "our" community!
I just wanted to say Im thinking of you as well, everyone on here is here for you as you know. My advice for you is to talk to someone close to you, are you close to your parents? Or siblings? Or even a close friend TELL SOMEONE what is going on, its not fair for you to bundle it all in and keep it in, far better out - and dont feel like you have to "protect" your DH (D could stand for anything you want at the moment) so many of us protect them when really why should we! Huge hugs thinking of you x ------------- TTC 6 years IVF it is IVF/ICSI round one 10 eggs, 8 mature, 3 fertilised BFN IVF/ICSI #2 = 22 eggs! 20 mature, 15 fertilised, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frosties BFN 2 Frosties still in freezer thank god |
Posted By: mebymyself
Date Posted: 08 August 2009 at 1:13pm
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Thanks all. I havne't made any concrete plans yet, we haven't really spoken due to our work hours being so different. He says he still loves me and has put the wedding ring back on, but I have taken mine off.
Had a good blow out on Thursday night at the bar with mates. Was able to clear my head (however Friday it wasn't good  )a bit and talk with friends and other people (probably due to the amount of alcohol consumed  ), could of done it back but I just couldn't do it.
I am going to talk with him this afternoon about things. I think I will stay as someone said once a cheater not always a cheater, and maybe this is the wakeup call he needed - losing me and the boys... Thank you to those who PM'ed me with their situation good to know other peoples situations and what they did and some of them have really helped and made me see both sides. |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 August 2009 at 1:41pm
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sometimes i think the harder thing is to stay and work it out. running away is easier but when you have kids there is so much more at stake.
just make sure you give yourself enough time to make the right decision for you and your family. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 08 August 2009 at 2:30pm
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I very much agree with the once a cheater not always a cheater. Sometimes a wake up call is all they need As Bizzy said, it can be the harder thing to do to stay and fix it, but what doesn't break you WILL strengthen you.
Hugs -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 08 August 2009 at 2:46pm
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Some people cheat as an excuse to leave a relationship, the fact that he doesn't want to leave you suggests he may be able to change his behaviour and become more focused on you and his family.
Hope things work out for all of you. Choosing to stay and make your marriage work is one of the best and IMO toughest things you can do, but hopefully worth the effort. After all its supposed to be for life. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 08 August 2009 at 6:50pm
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I dont have any advice,and certainly no advice as good as what you've been given....I just wanted to say Im sorry you've been hurt and im sorry you're hurting..whatever you decide I wish you all the best
*hugs* ------------- 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 09 August 2009 at 8:26am
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At the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy. You know what he is like. You can make your own decision on what you want and what you will forgive or put up with.
Life is not black & white & there are curve balls thrown in there. There is always away out of any situation & there is always a chance to right a wrong if one wants to. So good luck to you in whatever you do. |
Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 10 August 2009 at 6:56am
| hugs and good on you for staying if that is what your heart is telling you to do , as it has been broken. I have split from my dh 3 x ours was not because of cheating, we were in business at the time and it was pressure of money etc and he chose the easy option to run , we had counselling through the courts the 3rd time and it was very beneficial and I would recommend it ... hope it all works out for you |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 10 August 2009 at 1:33pm
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personally i know that if DH ever cheated it would be over and done and he knows that. He was cheated on by his ex and it devastated him too.
I could not get past it...however i have had to deal with a personal connection with someone and watched them have to get over it - build a bridge etc etc and deal with knowing their partner cheats and possibly always will - if you can come to a personal decision to do that - it is your choice...but know a lot of people around you will not understand that and will judge YOU for that...weird as that sounds it is true - i have done it! just being honest! i stongly advise counselling - free from family court blah blah blah...as to how your marriage will work from here - is it open, eyes shut or ??? Its your relationship -= you both decide. But i think you both need ground rules and out clauses - in case of an "affair" going further etc...eg what if there is a child born of it etc? how will you feel then. I also push you to look into personal counselling...in case YOU need to talk to someone who is confidential with you and not both of you and on another note...get thee both to a doctor and get AIDS and STD checks done...stay safe please! I am not judging you - or him / her! BUT i do wish you all the very best no matter what you decide.... |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 10 August 2009 at 1:34pm
| btw you are brave being able to come on here - even anonymously....an affair is an awful secret for anyone to keep = be it the parties or a 3rd, 4th party, family member or someone who knows about it.... |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 10 August 2009 at 1:44pm
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*sheepishly puts her hand up*
I pretty much walked in on my partner cheating on me. It's weird but thing that burned the most was the he chose to cheat on me with someone who was fat and ugly. I always thought if you were going to cheat, you'd at least want to trade up! I won't lie, if you decide to stay, it will be hard for you to put that behind you. Anytime he's out with his mates or late home from work you're going to have a twinge of 'who is he with?' But occasionally you have to take your cheating a/hole back because he is your cheating a/hole And yes there's the smug high and mighty 'once a cheater' brigade most have no idea of the complexity of human relationships. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 10 August 2009 at 11:01pm
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I agree with that last statement lemongirl - my sister was like that, even though DH's was 'only' an emotional attachment.
I'm still struggling to come to terms with it, the lying etc and I still have nightmares - I even stayed home from work today as I couldn't bare leaving DH home (he's on holidays) in case he decided to go out, and I didn't know where 
So nothing's going to be a magic cure, and from this you can't just put a bandaid on it, it needs to be fully dealt with. The thought of that is horrible and I'm not sleeping leading up to our 2nd counselling session this week as I know it's going to be a hard one for me, but I think at the end of the day it's going to be worth it. So just to let you know you're not alone (unfortunately for all of us that have been there). I second what Bombshell said about getting yourself tested etc - I did that just in case I wasn't getting the whole truth as last thing you want is contracting something from it that could have lasting effects. Not nice but worth thinking about. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 11 August 2009 at 1:48pm
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Hugs to you, and you as well Emz.
Like Bombshell, I also don't htink I would be able to look past it, however I think that is a reflection on my own expereinces, and lack of trust. I have been cheated on in the past by every single man I ever dated with Rod being the only exception. It took me along long time to trust Rod, and even now, I still do the old knee jerk suspicious thing and I always check his phone. We have fought alot in the past about this, and I do know there is no way he would do it, however I just sometimes can't ignore the "voices in my head" . That's how I KNOW I couldn't get over it. That said, you know yourself if it is something you will be able to get past, with counselling etc. Hugs to you, and I don't envy you. xxxx ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 15 August 2009 at 1:03pm
| can i ask, is this the first time he's cheated? |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 15 August 2009 at 8:22pm
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I feel doing it alone can be a very positive thing.
Yes it's hard, but it can be a positive thing. The way I see it, is with not having a partner around or a relationship that is negative. You have all the more love and attention to gives to your kids. You can give so much more of yourself to them and also they can be a great comfort and support in a time like yours. You can just look at them and go, wow, what a great job I have done bringing these darling children into the world. I wouldn't know how to conquer things if the children are old enough to understand that Dad is maybe not going to be around. All I know from what I've heard is just make sure they know in no way is it there fault. As kids just seem to blame themselves which sucks, as it's so not their fault. I wish I could give you big HUGS! Stay strong and look at your children in you feel down and they will always do something to make you smile. Or else give them a big hug! Hugs work wonders -------------   
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 16 August 2009 at 9:21pm
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Big big hugs to you!
I know how scary and uncertain it can be in this position. I hope you have great friends and family to support you. Im not sure where you live, but you can get free legal advice from a womans centre on the shore. If you are on the shore PM me and I will find out where it is for you as I cant remember right this minute. DH and issues to sort out and it would have been very easy for either of us to walk away but we got help and its not easy somedays but it does get better. I believe that people make mistakes (sometimes REALLY DUMB ones) but I really do hope you can mend what has happened. Good luck ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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