2 ’dads’ for Fathers Day?????
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=28473
Printed Date: 09 August 2026 at 1:22am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: 2 ’dads’ for Fathers Day?????
Posted By: Babe
Subject: 2 ’dads’ for Fathers Day?????
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 12:54pm
|
OK what happens when there a sperm donor dad and a 'real' dad?? I know Jakes bio dad will probably be hoping for something little even though hes not a dad to Jake except for bday/xmas pressies but I would hate to make DP feel any less special coz hes Jakes dad in every way that counts.
The ex is still on the scene in the sense that he sees Jake at mum and dads when they're there at the same time and hes still considered 'part of the family' but DP is Jakes dad in every way except biologically (even the ex recognises that and refers to him as Jakes dad). HELP! -------------   
|
Replies:
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 12:59pm
|
Does Jakes Bio dad get you anything for mothers day?
Maybe you could just make him a card and put Jakes handprint on it? |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 1:05pm
Yeah last year he brought me a big bunch of flowers but me and DP weren't living together then. I don't want to hurt his feelings by not acknowledging him (I know we're over and for good reason but we were together for almost 6 years and I still care about him and I know he really loves Jake) but I'm worried that DP will be hurt if I do something too personal  I'm probably being abit silly but its the first time I've been in this situation and the two guys circle each other IYKWIM? They don't fight or anything they actually pretend the other doesn't exist but kinda keep an eye on the other at the same time. I hate confrontation and upset and I have a little knot in my stomach...
ETA LOL oops we weren't together for as long as I orginally put  silly me!-------------
|
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 1:13pm
|
I'd chat to DP about it maybe?
Gut feel would be to acknowledge both, but the sperm donor in a more low-key way than you do your DP who is his day-to-day dad? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 1:22pm
|
Maybe a storebrought card for the ex with Jakes handprint inside - though would it be weird because we use his name with Jake he doesn't call him dad or anything... OMG I'm totally winding myself up lol note to self: take a chill pill!
Then a handmade card from Jake and baby to Daddy with uhm a special dinner and a new tool or something?? I'm making a big deal out of this when it doesn't need to be aren't I?!  Its been a really complicated situation with lots of ups and downs and now we've finally FINALLY all found a balanced way of dealing with it all but I'd forgotten all about Fathers Day and now I'm totally panicking (obviously lol) that if I don't get this right things will get messy again  :minifoot-stompingscreamingtantrum: I don't like messy!!!!
I'm still at the 'any chance of trouble and I freeze up' stage so thankyou for bearing with me and giving me some ideas (and not pointing out that I'm being ridiculous )!-------------
|
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 1:56pm
| i would not give either of them anything... then when the kid is old enough he can decide what to do! |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 2:21pm
|
Bizzy, I agree, our kids do cards for us & thats it. Oh & I may get a sleep in on mothers day where as DH always gets a sleep in, lol.
It is not really a big deal in our house, kind of glad don't have money to waste of stuff not needed. |
Posted By: JD
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 3:16pm
|
I would give the bio dad a card from Jake and your DP something from you to acknowledge what he does for Jake.
Jake is too young to know whats going on really.... When he is older you could then suggest that he does something for both 'dads'. I am in a similar situation except my daughter is much older. she is very protective of her bio dad and refuses to refer to my DH as even her step dad. DH has been in her life since she was 2 and she is now nearly 13. She hasn't yet given DH anything, even though he has had ALOT more to do with her than her bio dad + he financially supports us.....but I always give him something and say thanks for being such a great father role to her. I don't worry if bio dad or DH gets me anything on mothers day. I still like to acknowlege/honor them on fathers day. Actually a couple of times DD has asked for money to buy bio dad something and I have given her like $5. I think its important to teach children to honour their parents (regardless of how usless they are). I figure she will recognise DH for all he has done for her when she is old enough to realise and appreciate it. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 3:35pm
I obviously wasn't very clear in my previous posts (they def seem a little rambly lol) - it doesn't matter how old Jake is or how aware he is of who is who, theres alot of high feelings regarding Jake and who is important and who belongs and who has what role  The whole dad thing is a sensitive issue for both of them and its been very important for each of them to feel acknowledged in the last year. This is deeper for both DP and BF(bio father) than just Fathers Day. Hence my minor panic. Last year Mothers Day kinda turned into this competition really to see who could get me the best Mothers Day present (Valentines Day too - gifts from Jake to me  ) so I want to hit a nice lowkey, balanced note to stay on track with the nice, peaceful, less-competitive compromise we've hit. Any other suggestions along those lines would be appreciated bearing in mind this has very little to do with Jake.
JD thanks for sharing your situation. I hope your daughter realises how super-lucky she is to have your DH when she gets abit older  -------------
|
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 3:56pm
|
Why don't you & Jake make them each a card? You can always fuss over your DP a bit more, make him breakfast or something to do that little bit extra. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 3:56pm
|
I think you hit the nail on the head with the competitive issue. So taking that into account & that the day is to thank the fathers for all they do....then I would make it a special present not go over board with money but something like a photo in a frame, a cup with photos on it, I did snapfish mugs for presents and they turned out fantastic.
So BF & DP both get something about the child & DP gets a sleep in or breakfast in bed also. |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 3:59pm
|
sarahs dad never used to get anything from us but now shes old enough she makes him a card but thats about it, she always makes sure dh gets a card too & picks him a pressie but i think most years her nanna has bought a pressie for her to give to her dad who is entitled to have her for the day each fathers day as that was our court aggreement. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 4:29pm
| i would still get neither of them anything... if they are having a "competition" then staying away from it might be best... and like someone else said just brekkie in bed or a nice dinner for other guy! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 4:52pm
|
Give them both a card, I believe there are cards around now for step-dads as there are a lot around.
Its nice to acknowledge them as the father / dad that they are. I don't know who my BF is but I always give something little to my Dad. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 8:03pm
|
I used to give my dad just a card, to recognise him... and my stepdad (REAL Dad) gets a card and a little pressie (usually mint chocolate) and breakfast or something made. ------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 8:50pm
|
We have a blended family and I usually buy a few little things (packets of chocolate biscuits etc) for DP and get all the kids to give him something over dinner. It works out as one gift per child regardless of whether they are his and where they live. I don't get anything for my ex as he has remarried so I leave it up to his new wife to do presents for whatever they choose to celebrate. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 01 September 2009 at 9:54pm
|
My daughter has two great , awesome dads , on fathers day I give them each a framed picture she has done , or a photo of her and she makes them both a card .
I give DH a lie in and breakfast in bed, cos I figure, I live with him , so he will hopefully do the same for me on mothers day .  ------------- 
|
Posted By: tiptoes
Date Posted: 02 September 2009 at 6:00pm
|
I like Kelly's idea of the framed picture and card, and then something 'extra' for your DH like breakfast in bed or a yummy dinner/picnic lunch since he's more the full-time Dad and your current partner.
If you're going for a store-bought one for his bio-dad, maybe just look for a non-soppy one that doesn't say "dad" or anything, just something plain with Happy Father's Day. Good luck with what you decide, sounds stressful trying to keep them both happy! ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">  
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 03 September 2009 at 8:55am
Yep chelle can get quite stressful!! Unfortunately I get them both AND my mum who talks alot to my ex, 'sharing' how they feel or telling me why I should be doing it differently. I don't mind my DP talking to me but taking everyone into consideration can be a mission. I'm getting pretty good at picking what to ignore and when to cater to BF and mum and this is a catering situation! It doesn't help that the ex now has a GF who wants to play happy families with my son  coz she'll absolutely put a bee in his bonnet if I don't acknowledge him.
Thankyou everyone but especially those who are in similar situations. Kelly I was hoping you'd post really good idea and not too personal giving BF a drawing of Jakes with a 'non-soppy' (thanks chelle) card. I'm going to use one of Jakes drawings to make a card for DP coz he keeps all that kinda stuff and a model car for him to build and of course a special breaky.
Hes really into Fathers/Mothers Day, its become really important to him since hes become Jakes dad and I know he's super-excited about whats going to happen for him so I think it'll be nice making abit of a big deal. He planned out a whole day for me for Mothers Day just doing special stuff. -------------
|
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 03 September 2009 at 3:33pm
|
I just found the card I got Phil for fathers day last year , it wasn't a step dad one , but one that said "thankyou for being everything a dad should be '
....I don't know what your babies bf would say about that tho , course, neither of them need to know what the other got , and if the bf , or your mum , or the new GF complain about anything, remind them gently but firmly that its NOT a competition , and that the most important thing , is Jacob . It can get very awkward and confusing , these blended families huh ? -------------
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 04 September 2009 at 9:20am
|
So true Kelly. We've actually told the BF that he has until christmas to decide what hes going to do in regards to Jake. He has to either start properly developing a relationship or he has to stop hanging out with my family at all. At the moment he spends heaps of time at my parents place talking to my mum and using the net and the dryer and stuff and only sees Jake if we're all there at the same time. I reckon thats gonna get quite confusing for Jake having this guy around who is sposed to be his bio dad but has no interest in him so yeah I laid down the law lol he doesn't know what he wants to do yet somehow its a really hard decision and of course my mum doesn't think I should be allowed to tell them and him that he can't go to their house anymore if he doesn't want a relationship with his own son but she'll have to come round coz otherwise Jake wont be going there. Grrr so frustrating when people are so selfish and concerned about themselves first and foremost!!!!
Anyway once thats sorted Fathers Day will be alot easier so just gotta sort out this wknd and leave next year to sort out itself. I love what Phils card said!! DP isn't Jakes stepdad as far as any of us are concerned so I wouldn't get him one of them anyway. Jake calls him dad and BF is refered to by name. You're right none of them have to know what the other is getting (except DP will know what the BF gets of course) so no reason for there to be trouble and if anyone else tries to interfere, well its none of their business. Theres only so far I can go to keep everyone happy I'm not gonna break my back bending over backwards :sigh: people can be such hard work!! -------------
|
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 04 September 2009 at 9:44am
|
Holy hell babe,
That is one of a situation. I agree that the BF needs to step up and be a Dad if he wants to have the recognition that goes alone with it. Having said that, I felt a little twinge on mother's day thinking about all the parenting responsiblites I take on for DP's daugther but none of the regontion. Our father's day is looking particularly glum. Even though it is both our scheduled weekend and it is in the court order it looks as though the DP's ex will be keeping the kiddo for this weekend as a 'precautionary measure' due to an ear infection earlier this week. DP visited the kiddo yesterday at the ex's house and she is more than well that should have been back at school on Tuesday but is still off today. He could raise a stink with the lawyers about it, but it will likely cost thousands of dollars and will achieve very little. I'm bummedfor DP as since seperation he hasn't had contact with is kid on father's day, christmas day or her birthday. I was looking forward to taking her shopping for a gift and making a big deal of him this year.
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 04 September 2009 at 10:41am
|
You'd probably understand how my DP feels lemongirl.
He adores Jake and hes taken the dad role on fulltime and while he would fully support the BF having a role in Jakes life he finds it difficult at the moment when BF talks about his 'rights' and so on but otherwise shows Jake no care. DP would be very hurt if he didn't receive recognition as Jakes primary dad or if he and BF were treated equally. Sorry to hear about your DPs ex making things so difficult for him!! How bout you just put Fathers Day off til shes with you next? You could have your own special day for him then with breaky and presents and stuff it wouldn't mean any less just coz its on a different day!-------------
|