Past termination&feelings this pregnancy
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Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
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Topic: Past termination&feelings this pregnancy
Posted By: escadachic
Subject: Past termination&feelings this pregnancy
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 11:33am
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Has anyone had a termination before current pregnancy?(as in, not a termination due to birth defects, but for other personal reasons)
And how has it effected you if you have? I found when I was TTC with this one, I would have incredible guilt and feel like I was being punished, by not getting pregnant as soon as I thought I would. Then I felt selfish and horrible, like I shouldn't be allowed to have any more babies and that I didn't deserve the chance to get pregnant. And how did you feel after getting the termination? I felt extremely depressed to the point of wanting to just end my life. Thankfully I woke up my ideas and went to the doctor and started seeing a counsellor. Though it seems, even though you think you've worked through it and have come to terms with it, it does tend to come back and haunt you at times. At times with this pregnancy I just start feeling like utter crap and like such a terrible, selfish person. I do really mourn for that baby. You see, before being in the situation where the termination was an option. I used to be fully opposed to terminations and thought it was just so wrong. But gee, when you are in a certain position and it seems having a termination is the right thing, you do understand why people might choose to. -------------   
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Replies:
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 1:35pm
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Yup, I had a termination a few years back before having yet another unplanned pregnancy this year. The second one ended in miscarriage at 13 weeks just a few weeks ago.
There have been times where mind has wandered down the path of wondering if the miscarriage was punishment for abortion but those were only in my darkest, darkest hours. To be honest I've always been strongly pro-choice so never really struggled with the ins and outs of my decision to terminate or try to keep the second baby. Both were right for me at the time (even if the second didn't turn out the way I wanted it to) However it sounds like you aren't really at peace with your decision to terminate. I don't think anything I can do or say can get you to that place. But perhaps instead of looking at the loss, you can look forward to gain a happy healthy baby. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 1:45pm
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I've had a termination a few years ago and I've never regretted my decision.
It was the best decision for me at that time, and apart from the 'what if's' I don't have any regrets about my decision. I agree with lemongirl it seems you've not come to terms with your decision to terminate, is it possible to spend more time with a counsellor. I am now happily married and TTC our 1st, which is exactly where I wanted to be. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 3:02pm
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Well it seems at times I've come to terms with it, but at other times I just have guilt and sadness over it.
I guess it is due to formally, before having the termination being so against it. It was a real struggle to come to the decision to have a termination. But I did it as soon as I got the approval from the doctors, so that way I didn't have to be distraught over what decision to make. I did it really early in the pregnancy too(about 5 wks 3 days), which apparently is better for the body. I guess it doesn't really help when you are having to make the decision almost on your own and some people in your life at the time are judgemental about the decision. I mean I do know it really was the right decision for me at the time too. And I know my reasons for terminating were good reasons and it was for the best. I think the times when I know it is getting to me is at times in this pregnancy where I've thought, no I can't handle a baby, even though I really wanted one. Then I get over that thought and I'm happy to have a baby on the way. I think that whole freaking out process is pretty normal in everyones pregnancy, planned or unplanned. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 3:05pm
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Lemongirl-It's got to be hard when you do lose a pregnancy past 12 wks. As they always tell you, once you are past that mark you should be fine. I hope the next time you're pregnant all goes well. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 3:07pm
mrsg1-Good luck with making a baby. And oh, it looks like today is a good day for it  -------------
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 9:10pm
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esca- yeah it is hard..been there(the losing baby past twelve weeks not the termination part)
------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: monsta
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 9:44pm
| I did too, 14 years ago. I burst into tears when I had to tell the midwife that it wasn't my first prgnancy. I think i'll probably feel guilty for it for the rest of my life. I too was against abortion until it happened to me. I'm 35 weeks pregnant now, and all the checks so far have been fine, but I fully expected something to be or go wrong as punishment too. Hopefully this wee one will help me to heal. I hope this happens for you too! x |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 9:57pm
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Montsa-It's good to see that I'm not the only one feeling this guilt. And yay for you being 35wks! Wow baby will be coming soon then, well soonish.
Yeah I felt bad when I told the midwife I'd had a termination too. It just makes you feel bad, when there are all those people desperate for a baby, who either can't conceive or have miscarriages. It makes me think, man how selfish I must seem, having had a termination, when those people would do anything to have a baby or keep a baby. -------------
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 13 September 2009 at 2:30pm
 I haven't been in your situation but just thought I'd say i don't think what you did is selfish, quite the opposite in fact. You knew it wasn't the right time for a baby and that was obviously hard for you but it was a lot more responsible than having a baby you couldn't look after (which we see way too much in this country). As much as it does suck about women not being able to have a baby anything you do isn't going to change that. Yay almost half way there
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Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 14 September 2009 at 3:58pm
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Hey kelly i am also in your situation, i had a termination about 2 years ago now and i think about it all the time. I really regret doing it and wish i had of stood up for myself more.
i was pretty much forced into having a termination by my mum and never wanted to do it. mine happened at 10 weeks 5 days so it was a pretty late termination. -------------  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 14 September 2009 at 9:56pm
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GonnaBeAMum
And that must've been so hard having a termination so late. I know my friend who had one at that late found it harder too. Though at any stage, it is a hard decision and it is hard going through that and the feelings that come up before the decision, after the decision and procedure and in the future. It sucks too when family members or anyone for that matter is pressuring you to make that decision. I was at the time in a position where I had no support at all and couldn't go through with the pregnancy with zero support. As I had to do it solo with my daughter, and had almost no support there and that was very hard and stressful bringing her up solo and I knew I just didn't have the strength in me to do it solo again. I think I will always regret my decision. But at the end of the day, you can't take it back and you know, I think that is one of the harder things, knowing you can't do it over and make a different decision if you could go back in time. It sucks though, as I know it was the right decision at the time and I did consider it thoroughly before I chose to go through with it. It does help me though, having a best friend who has also gone through the same thing, as we can talk openly and honestly about our feelings and know that we both get each other in regards to our decision. Happy to see you have baby on the way. You must be due in Feb 2010 like me. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 14 September 2009 at 10:01pm
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GonnaBeAMum-Do you find since getting pregnant, it has been playing on your mind so much more then it was before getting pregnant?
I find it is with me. And also when I was TTC it was too. Especially because I felt like I was being punished by not getting pregnant straight away, even though my rational thoughts reminded me, I wasn't being punished. Then I would feel like, it's not fair that I should be pregnant, once I was, after having a termination in the past. Ah, but having a conscience is a good thing, so I shouldn't feel bad that I have a conscience. -------------
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 7:45am
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You'd be surprised at the amount of women who have had a termination, its not something that's openly discussed, mostly cause of other peoples reactions I think.
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 8:13am
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yeah i find that i think about it alot and wonder about what could have been. like was it a girl or a boy, and how baby would be 1 and a half now and all the things that he/she would be doing.
i found it helped me alot when on what would have been babys 1st birthday i wrote him/her a letter saying that i was sorry and stuff. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 9:48am
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Oh Tania, that is such a sweet thing to do, writing the letter
I don't know when the baby I terminated would've been due. As I felt if I knew those facts, I would really struggle with what I'd done even more and that it would eat me up inside and make me very, very depressed. I got majorly depressed at the start of this year when we started TTC. I got depressed when I thought my period was a day late and thought about getting a positive result on the pregnancy test. I kept thinking back to when I got pregnant with the baby I terminated and how I reacted to the positive result and I just broke down and cried and got very, very depressed. Turned out my period didn't come late, I just didn't know how long my cycle was. So I decided at that point not to try that month and had the doctor put me on anti-depressants. It sucks when you suffer from depression, as things like that just bring back the depression. Strangely enough I haven't been depressed during this pregnancy. I have felt a bit down at times, but that is just the hormones, so that's ok. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 9:56am
I so know where you are coming from with that statement. As I notice there are heaps of views on this thread. So it is obviously being read and viewed a lot. And some people do post on here, which is very couragious of them. And hey, if anyone wants to share their feelings, but not on here, do feel free to P.M me. As I get that it is a sensitive subject. -------------
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mrsg1 wrote:Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 11:19am
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I think the thing to also realise is that despite all the good stuff, pregnancy is still really tough for some women. You get tired and pukey. You are hormornal. If you don't feel supported and aren't happy about being pregnant then it would be a nightmare to be forced into a position where you had to keep the pregnancy.
Also in NZ, almost 50% of terminations are actually from women who already have children which I found fascinating as we often think of abortion being purely the domain of the young careless women. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 11:54am
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esca- lots of people like me find it interesting but haven't been through it or been in the situation where they needed to think about it and so don't want to comment with my views ?i must admit though reading these thoughts has changed my way of thinking about it. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Berg19
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 11:45am
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Iam some what in the same situation. This pregnancy is not my first, ive had one before that i wanted but was forced into getting a termination, but the day before it happened i had a miscarriage. I don't really think about it with this pregnancy, but this one i didn't want at all but i had no idea i was pregnant and by the time i found out it was too late i felt to do anything about it. It was really hard working through the fact that i didn't want this baby, and even though now im really excited and have fallen in love with this lil guy, i still find it hard with battling my feelings. i think, sh*t how am i going to cope with a baby? my life is never going to be the same, i won't be able to do anything i wanted to etc.. but maybe your right, maybe that is just normal thoughts of pregnancy, especially unplanned. I know that when this lil guy comes out i'll love him more than anything in the world, he will be my world, but i also know i'll miss my life - alot. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 5:14pm
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Berg19- Yeah I think the freaking out with the first pregnancy you keep is normal. I used to hope to have a miscarriage and I know how bad that sounds, when I was pregnant with my daughter. Though at other times I was really happy to have a baby on the way. When I freaked out the most I must say though, was when I was in labour and was suddenly like s**t, I don't want this baby to come yet. At least you realise the reality of the fact that a baby is hard work and that it is a big change to the life you have known. It's refreshing to see that you as pregnant teenager gets that, instead of those pregnant teenagers who try to get pregnant and deceive their partner by pretending to be on contraception and getting pregnant and just getting pregnant because they think babies are cute and it will fix everything or they just want something to love. I have met teenagers like that. And their Mum ends up raising their baby while they go out clubbing. So I think you are very mature and sensible.
This baby I am pregnant with now was totally planned and I still found myself freaking out, even though I have a child already. I was like, am I going to be able to handle a baby and a child, am I going to be a good Mum to them both. It is scary to me as it's been nearly 6 years since my daughter was a baby. But hopefully my experience with her as a baby, though it was so many years ago, helps and it comes natural. Also, I wonder how things will be having a partner around this time. Good I'm thinking. But with my daughter I was a single Mum, so got used to doing everything myself. So I'm hoping I can accept help from my partner and not try do everything myself. -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 5:51pm
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I haven't read any of the other posts but the first one , I was 18 when I got pregnant to my boyfriend, I was in two minds , part of me wanted to keep the baby , the other half was too scared.
My boyfriend very adamently didn't want the baby , I gave in , thought having a termination was the easier option , it wasn't , but I learnt that the hard way . The following year , I got pregnant again , I was using protection, but to be honest , I wasn't being careful , in a way I wanted to be pregnant, and this time I wanted to keep the baby , I got my wish , I kept the baby and shes now seven , and Im thankful everyday that I got another chance. I live with my guilt over the termination every day , its my guilt and pain to live with , I don't think I will ever NOT think about it, especially since my daughters birthday is the 8th of June 2002 , and I had a termination on the 8th of June 2000 . Im incredibly thankful , that unless there is medical reasons for it, I wont ever have to terminated again , because I just couldn't . Im more sorry than anyone could ever imagine for terminating, but at the time , I was young, and selfish , I thought my life would be ruined , I hope that even if im not able to fully forgive myself, my baby at least will, so that when I die and go to heaven , I can meet my baby , and see with my own eyes, just how perfect they are , and hold them and love them as much as I should have done on earth , if Id only given them that chance . ------------- 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 5:54pm
I have a seven year gap between my daughter and son, when I had my daughter I was single, this time Im married , and imo its so much better doing it with someone ....and everything from 6 years ago will come rushing back to you when bubs is born -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 6:01pm
your life will change, for the better. Being a mum is challenging , tiring, scary and nerve racking, but its also amazing, just amazing, the kind of thing you cant accurately put into words that will do it justice ...but you'll soon see . -------------
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Posted By: Berg19
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 9:56am
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Yeah.. i hate to say it but i tried some things in hope to misscarry. Now i just feel like a dick because of it, cause as u say, some people do everything they can to have a baby! Yeah i don't understand those girls that get pregnant on purpose, its just sad. They need a good lesson taught to them!! I know it will change for the better, it's just hard not to think i'll miss my life. but im glad i can accept that, not thinking oh yeah i can go on with my life, pawn my baby off on people. Im going to do the hard yards!! I mean it was me being irresponsible in the first place that made this baby, i have to deal with the consequences.
Im sure everything will come naturally with your second baby! and im sure ur'll be a great mum to your second  I no i haven't had my baby yet, but the dad not being around and then coming in thinking he can tell me what to do with baby real grinds my gears! I think if hes not doing the hard yards he doesn't have a say. But i can imagine how much easier the whole thing will be with a partner around, just accept the help, and be grateful when he does try to help Geez i feel like im not making sense at all today!! maybe its to early in the morn for my baby brain  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 11:05am
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Berg19- Though it seems scary, doing it alone can be good too. I did it alone with my daughter and yeah at times I got stressed out, as you do. But I loved that I didn't have the bad relationship with her Dad to deal with and I liked that I had so much love to to give her, as I wasn't sharing it with anyone else. You can give your baby so much more love and attention, when it's just you and baby. And being that you do learn to cope on your own, when people do help you out, you really, really do appreciate their help so much more. And yeah it sucks when the Dad who isn't there for you thinks he knows best and tries to tell you how to do things. I was just like, whatever, I'm here for my baby 24/7, so I am the deciding party on everything. -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 4:48pm
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"You can give your baby so much more love and attention, when it's just you and baby. And being that you do learn to cope on your own, when people do help you out, you really, really do appreciate their help so much more. And yeah it sucks when the Dad who isn't there for you thinks he knows best and tries to tell you how to do things. I was just like, whatever, I'm here for my baby 24/7, so I am the deciding party on everything."
...my son has just as much love and attention as my daughter got when it was only me .... Im pretty lucky that my daughter's dad and I have always maintained a friendly relationship, he was never pushy , but i would listen to any suggestions , because he did make an effort, unlike some guys I know -------------
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 9:33pm
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This isn't my first pregnancy either, I commented in another forum when someone else was talking about terminating.
I terminated because I had just turned 17 and I ended up losing about 12kg in the first 10 weeks to morning sickness - that whole experience made me cry for the whole time I was pregnant because I thought it was torture but looking back now it wasn't. I had my termination over summer '08 at 10w2d and the morning I went in for it I cried because I didn't really want to get rid of it but I knew I couldn't keep it either. I always think about it and I think I should have kept it because I was being careless with my partner. I didn't know how easy it was to terminate a pregnancy... And all I gained from terminating was U.E. After it I felt very bad and guilty, now I am starting to move on and I realise now being pregnant again that I have to own up to my actions - hence why I kept this one. I always worry something will go wrong, but I've made a vow to be the best mum I can be no matter what. I'm lucky I am still with my partner and that we have this opportunity with this baby. When I found out this time that I was pregnant I knew I was going to keep it and I felt kind of blessed that I had been given a second chance, I know life will change and it's going to be hard and all, but missing out on uni is nothing really because you can go at anytime but you can't always have a baby. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 9:39pm
I can totally agree with that, while I am learning to move on, not a day goes by where I don't think about the son or daughter I could've had. I too thought my life would be ruined and it didn't help having my mum tell me "you have no choice" but I agreed so together we were selfish. I know I would never terminate again either, unless there was a life threatning illness for the baby. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 11:13pm
Yeah I get what you mean. I think I will love this baby just as much too. But I felt having that experience of having just my daughter to give all my love to, helped me be able to have the same love to give this baby. As my children are my first love always and everyone else I love comes after that. Even though they are just as important too. I was worried you might have thought I meant by my comment, that you can't love your baby as much when you have a partner, that is not what I was saying, just wanted to clear that up. I was just pointing out the positive of having all that love to share. I think it makes you more able to give that same love to any future children and always put them first. -------------
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Posted By: Roses are Red
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 5:37pm
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I havent had a termination but I was faced with having to think about it when af was late when DS was 3 months old. I was separated from the ex-husband and had a 3 year old and there was no way I could have coped with another child. Luckily for me I never had to make that decision.
I didnt post to say that, I didnt want to read and run and I just wanted to say that reading what you have all shared touched me and I feel for the struggles you have with the decision you made. I hope that one day you all find some peace  ------------- 
 Angel March 2011
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Posted By: mizpix
Date Posted: 21 September 2009 at 3:55pm
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This is very interesting reading!
I had a termination when I was a teenager, about 18 years ago. It was at about 10 weeks gestation. It never bothered me that I had a termination, as I felt it was the right option at the time. Now that I am pg and I want this baby very much and am following it's progess keenly, I am starting to feel guilt about the termination. I realise better now how complete that baby was at this stage and how much it means to so many women who struggle to conceive. I still think if I had my time again, I would still terminate, but I wish I had not taken the decision so lightly. I do wonder how my child would have turned out and wish I could have explained my actions to them. I think now that this baby means more to me than if I had not had the termination ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2920e5" rel="nofollow - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 12:07am
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I had no idea either mizpix how much they develop in just a few weeks! I remember reading all the development the baby goes through each week when I found out I was preg this time, made me think about it a lot more. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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