Feeling unmaternal
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=28889
Printed Date: 21 August 2025 at 12:24am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Feeling unmaternal
Posted By: busybee
Subject: Feeling unmaternal
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:13am
|
Does anyone around here feel particularly unmaternal...Although we planned this baby and we always said we'll have kids one day now that it is here I sort of feel disconnected. I have seen baby in a number of scans but still it doesn't feel like I'm bonding...I read post and most woman can't wait for the little bundle of joy to arrive...and I don't see it. I have no doubt that I will love this baby...but why do I feel so far away?
Has this happened to anyone else and should I be worried that I won't bond properly once baby is here...or is it really love at first sight? Should I see a shrink or are some people just less emotional? |
Replies:
Posted By: ButterflyMum
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:22am
|
I have been like that this time round I think partly cause I have not really had much movement and i am just so busy with the other 3 I think i was very much the same with Alan my first as well I had no trouble bonding with him at all in fact i was most attached to my Mikey during pregeancy and he was my hardest to bond with so I think its to do with the baby etc as well I ended up with PND With him as well. -------------  
 
|
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:33am
|
There are some days i DEFINATELY feel unmaternal! lol
Elias I didnt bond with as a bump like I did Isabelle, but it made no difference when he came out, I still  'd him with my entire being. (I honestly didnt think id ever love another child as much as Isabelle, but I just Isabelle even more now Ive seen her be such an amazing sibling)------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
|
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:56am
|
it hasnt happened to me but i hear it is quite normal..it's very surreal growing a baby...! but as you say once he/she is out you will feel differently:) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Zasha
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 9:44am
|
Bussybee, you aren't alone, I'm feeling so unmaternal it's not even funny, I'm not a girly girl or maternaI in any way or form, I work in a male dominated industry and into male dominated sports, kids was never on my agenda, and here I am in my mid 30's and pregnant. I had so many things planned for this year and now everything has been shattered, In all honesty I feel very angry about my current situation and in still some what in denial about the whole pregnancy, regardless of the fact that I've seen the baby on the scans, heard the heart beat, been a by stander on witnessing my body been distorted into the shape of a strangers, I've felt the baby kicking and moving around in my belly, and yet I still don't feel any kind of bond with the baby. I know the birth is inevitable and theres no way out but, I still haven't got my head around the whole idea of been a parent, much to my partners disapointment (he always wanted kids). I have no real matenal instinct and it is concerning me, Unfortunately for some reason I seem to view the baby as some sort of parasite, that is sucking the life outa me, taking over my body and stopping me doing what I love to do. For me love something takes a long time, and isn't something that comes easy, it takes me a long time to bond with anyone, and yet there's all the expectations of motherhood been placed on my shoulders, for me to instantly love and care for a baby that was never planned or in my case not wanted either. It took a lot of talking from my partner to stop me getting an abortion, there hasn't been many days in the past 5 1/2 months since I've found out I was pregnant, that I haven't ended up in tears (and I'm not usually and emotional person at all). People keep telling me that the maternal instinct will kick in, but I'm really starting to wonder if it's going to happen as I'm certainly not feeling maternal yet. My partner has even gone as far as naming the baby to try and get me to see it as a person, not just a growing lump in my belly, my partner has started to buy baby gear and I can see it slowly taking over our flat, I'm still not feeling the slightest bit clucky. ------------- 
|
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 9:54am
|
I dont think I have had time to bond with this baby yet. I am only starting to now that I have finished work and am spending some time on my own. I called him sweetheart the other day while he was wriggling around so I guess it is happening - but slowly.
On saying that about Cameron, I don't enjoy being pregnant one bit. I can not wait to have my body back which sounds kind of selfish but its true. I am over feeling tired and sick and lacking energy. I always feel bad saying that I hate being pregnant but its simply true. I know what I am in for with regards to lack of sleep etc coming up but its different when they are actually out. Having a lump on the front of me is doing my head in this time, especially running around after my preschooler. With Charlotte I was totally besotted from about 12 weeks (once the amnio came back ok) and had bonded with her in the womb. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 10:01am
|
I didn't bond with Rowan until she was here but then it was immediate. I'm not a very clucky person by nature. I did get teary at the scans and take bump pics etc but I felt removed from it all.
This time around same feeling except I haven't been emotional or taking pics or anything because I've been too pre-occupied with DD. I'm sure once baby is here I'll bond though - just like last time. ETA: Zasha your case sounds a bit more extreme  Have you talked to your Doc/LMC about how you're feeling?-------------  
 
|
Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 10:07am
|
yea i was the same. im not clucky and i found it silly being all gooey over something that isnt real yet. i came right once he was born though so dont panic. some ppl take a few weeks even after baby is born. i promise it will all be sweet though :) ------------- 
|
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 10:17am
|
i know it sounds ridiculous..but when they are here it really is different.. it's hard to explain.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Treen
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:14am
|
You don't need to see a shrink, hon! There are a lot of us our there. I haven't a maternal bone in my body. I ignore my friends kids because I don't know how to communicate with them and half the time I can't remember their names. DH is forever pointing out "cute" kids when we're out yet all I see is just another kid. I think all newborns are ugly and I can't for the life of me understand why mums post 6000 baby photos up on Facebook...
My mum was the same. She didn't have me because she felt the maternal urge. She had me because that's what women did. But the moment I was born, she knew that that was her reason for being. And my instinct tells me that I will be exactly the same. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:22am
 ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
|
Treen wrote:Posted By: Joscia
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:49am
|
I was exactly the same. I felt like I was thinking about myself in the third person throughout my pregnancy - like it was happening to someone else and I was just observing. Kinda surreal.
Don't feel bad if you don't bond with the baby straight away once it's born either. I HATED the first few weeks - found it really, really hard and didn't feel maternal AT ALL! But believe everyone when they tell you that it DOES get easier! By about 6 weeks I was very fond of DS, and by 9 weeks - totally smitten. Now (16 weeks) I couldn't imagine life without him. In the immortal words of Rachel Hunter - 'it won't happen overnight, but it will happen.' 
|
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:54am
I couldn't understand it either....now I can 
I felt distinctly unmaternal the entire pregnancy, and even now I have moments where I think I could easily walk away without missing them much. But it's getting better for me, I do love them, they just aren't my entire being. I would kill anyone who hurt them, however. This is after 6 weeks...I'm just giving it time. The hardest thing is that I feel this way even though these girls were well and truly planned. |
Posted By: boys.boys.boys.boys
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 12:39pm
I was exactly the same!!! My first pregnancy was very unplanned (even though I had aways desperately wanted kids) and I had no friends at all that were pregnant or with babies. If fact, after Micah was born, someone could have easily come and said "ok, thats your turn with the baby over now" and taken him away!!! (no way they could now though!!!) Those first weeks are definatly the worst, but at some stage, I couldnt wait for him to wake up from his sleeps so I could hold him again... and after they start smiling, everything just gets ever so much easier!!! ------------- 4 boys!! 7 years, 5 years, 2 years and 8 weeks... |
Posted By: busybee
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 1:00pm
| I had no idea there are so many people that feels like this. Some days it is more extreme than others but I really don't feel like I am gaining something by having a baby, I am more aware of all that I am losing by having one. I don't want to give up my financial freedom that comes from working full time, but I realise the responsibility I have to the kid will make me cut my hours. I don't like the idea of not being able to sleep through and go off on holiday when I want to....I hope my perspective changes soon.... |
Posted By: Millyz
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 2:04pm
|
busybee, I'd like to think that its normal for some as I feel the same way too!!
I'm not a maternal person, never have been - don't get "clucky" over other folks' kids so have to pretend sometimes so they don't think I'm a weirdo. I also worry about losing my freedom - physically and financially but I also could not see myself not having kids. And I really want to make a wee family with my wonderful DH. Its funny, my mum (who I think is the bestest mum in the whole world) told me a couple of years ago that she's not a maternal person. She could have fooled me growing up, I certainly felt and do feel loved. Plus she had four kids so must have thought it wasn't such a bad deal!! 
So don't beat yourself up over it, I'm sure once we have our wee babies in our arms it'll be love at first sight, or within a month or so anyway!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 3:45pm
I was exactly the same Julia. I just couldnt imagine how I could love another child as much as I love Caden, and I couldnt seem to bond with my bump and I didnt enjoy my pregnancy, I also couldnt bring myself to buy baby clothes even when I found out she was a girl. I felt awful about it, but when she came out and I heard her cry, I burst into tears(makes me want to cry thinking about it now lol, gah hormones!!!) and when they handed her to me for skin on skin(I had a c sec) I loved her instantley and just as much as I love Caden 
------------- |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:03pm
|
I've always wanted kids, in fact that's all I wanted to do, was get married and have kids. Sure I did plan on going out to teach one day (as that's what I'm trained for) but that 'one day' would have been once the kids were in school.
So, imagine my surprise when I hated my first pregnancy with a passion. So many things went wrong, I had terrible care (the m/w has been de-registered since  ) and felt that I was losing so much (baby was very very planned btw). I didn't bond immediately, it took a good few weeks after we got feeding sorted, sleeping got better, and I finally went back on meds for depression that I really bonded with my son. Now I love him to bits (although he drives me nuts )
Second one, pregnancy was fine but life was really bad in every aspect so I felt like the baby was holding me back from sorting myself out. I'm starting to bond with her now, but it's taking time. I really thought I'd be one of those over-the-top mothers that make you sick, but TBH I've discovered that while I love my kids immensely, I don't love all kids (especially other people's little ones!) and I'm quite happy to go out working as of next year to gain my sense of self back. You can still be a good mother and not be the be-all-and-end-all for you children IYKWIM. It took me a long time to realise that. |
Posted By: sottise
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:13pm
|
to you guys - it's an emotional time for sure.
I never particularly wanted kids (noisy, messy, rude), never EVER got clucky over babies (noisy, stinky, weird looking) etc etc. The universe has a sense of humour. ;) I distanced myself from the 'idea' of baby while pregnant because I didn't want to get attached and have something happen. Then when she arrived it wasn't love at first sight (or second, or third). I was still very "why is this baby happening to me" and didn't like her very much for the first few months. Even now it's a struggle at times - I was very set in my ways and (too) comfortable in my life, so I still catch myself wishing she'd grow up and be independent so I don't have to mother her. Then I get the guilts. :D But I love her, totally and completely. I still don't like kids in general, and I don't get clucky over babies, but I adore my little Gojira and wouldn't mind another one just like her... Just a wee ramble from the POV of a mid-30s unmotherly type. It can take some effort / mental adjustment, but it'll happen. ------------- 
|
Posted By: Febgirl
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:36pm
|
It will happen, but not necessarily straight after birth either. I knew I loved DD as soon as she was born, but it was only after around 6 months that I really started to like her - not that I didn't like her before that, but it was around that time her personality really started coming out and I could see her more as a little person rather than a cute, noisy, often demanding and tiring little thing to take care of!
Nowadays at 19 months old I find myself staring at her in awe sometimes, amazed by how beautiful and wonderful she is! I'm definately more a toddler person than a newborn person! ------------- Two little girls under 2! 
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 23 September 2009 at 10:14am
|
Number one was unplanned, I was in a terrible, violent situation, was sick from week 3 (hyperemesis) and my pregnancy was very very badly managed but he was mine from the time i realised it was really gonna happen. We have a mega-huge bond even now and its sometimes really difficult to share him.
Number two was thoroughly planned, I'm in a fabulous relationship, it was something I wanted desperately then I got the BFP and promptly tried to book an abortion I've spent the majority of the last 18 weeks feeling trapped, like I have DPs spawn taking over my body, and various other yucky feelings like that. It was a huge suprise feeling that way.
Hormones and feelings aren't also what we expect them to be and if its not what we perceive as 'the norm' then it makes us feel worse but its more common than people let on I think. I've suddenly gotten happy about this pregnancy specially now its kicking and stuff but the bond I had with Jake certainly isn't there. I'm not worried though coz I figure that won't help. It'll sort itself out -------------   
|
Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 23 September 2009 at 11:06am
|
Totally unmaternal here!
I was like that for Thomas and i'm feeling the same at the moment. Didnt mean I didnt bond with Thomas when he was born tho :D! Pregnancy is such a pain in the arse - it's the outcome thats fabulous LOL! ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
|
Posted By: Zasha
Date Posted: 24 September 2009 at 11:31pm
|
Yep I've talked to both my doctor and the midwife about the way I'm feeling, and I've since talked to several of the people that they have suggested, (some of them even suggested this web site) I've spent some time with mothers and babies, problem is I just can't seem to relate to the little babies, although once they grow up a bit and reach a couple years old, I don't seem to have issues with them. Talking with some of the mothers has been interesting as some of them felt very similar to the way I do, but once the baby was born things changed dramatically for them and none of them had any regrets and they have all seemed to turn out to be good mums. The way I'm currently feeling I could quite easily give it up for adoption ( if my partner would let me), I just feel as though I'm trapped with no way out, and have to make so many sacrafices for something that I never ever wanted. I just feel as though I don't have anything to offer it once it's here. -------------
|
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 25 September 2009 at 7:25am
|
Zasha are you going to be the main carer of your bubs once it arrives, or would you prefer your partner was? Maybe it would make things easier for you if he was at home and you went back to work once you've recovered from the birth? I totally know what you mean about being more of a todder person than a baby person. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to cope with a baby either, but I'm looking forward to having a toddler. I'm sorry this is such a rough time for you. I guess all you can do is keep talking eh? Glad to hear your MW is paying attention to things too. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 25 September 2009 at 8:25am
|
Bahaha you can have my toddler for abit if you like?!!! Be warned you have to watch him 24/7 (no joke) otherwise you'll turn around and he'll have emptied the fireplace onto the lounge rug, locked the dog in the toilet after riding it down the hallway, forcefed the lamb, taken all the dvds out of their cases and tried to put them in the dvd player, removed his nappy and peed right next to the potty in an attempt to pee standing up like dad, filled a cup to overflowing with straight cordial then dribbled the sticky mess EVERYWHERE, filled all daddys shoes with his cars and various other things (ranging from ok to extremely disgusting!!), found the sharpest knife in the kitchen and mutilated the luncheon that he got out of the fridge and he'll have his hands in the peanut butter jar looking cherubic!! There are always challenges when you have kids and yeah there are ages you enjoy more but every age has its challenges.
In saying that I want to reassure you Zasha - you can still have the things you want when you have kids. A good babysitter, a flexible routine and abit more pre-planning and you can travel, go out with your DP, play extreme sports, etc while being a mum. The only thing (other than the practical essentials) that your baby will need when it arrrives is for you to care about it. It may not be an all-consuming adoring love straight away but making sure you cuddle him or her (proven to boost a babys immune system and give it a better start in life) and be kind to baby and yourself (don't expect too much of yourself) you'll get through. **hugs** -------------
|
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 25 September 2009 at 10:40am
|
Hehehe babe. Thanks for that
But seriously, life is never dull with a toddler around, and I like that  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 25 September 2009 at 6:30pm
|
I was aware of a baby growing in me. I carried on with life anyway - working full-time, international flights, moving country, house hunting, moving furniture, exercising 20 minutes, twice a day, 6 days a week (At least). When my daughter was born, I didn't get to hold her. They flew her to another city without me. It was like it was somebody else's baby. Looking at her in the incubator, she was tiny, and fragile, but she didn't feel like "mine". To be honest, I felt really detached. For months. I even thought she didn't like me - like I was just the milk bar. But love grows. And she is my world now! Nothing makes me happier then her smile, and I love holding her against me while she sleeps. She is my treasure, and I am so lucky we are both still here. It took ages for me to bond with her, but all the hard times were worth it. Give it time, focus on being pregnant and having a new baby as a "job" - going through the motions is enough. It takes time to fall truly in love with another human being - sometimes even your own child. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
|
Posted By: Zasha
Date Posted: 25 September 2009 at 10:16pm
|
My partner want me to be the main carer, as his job is more stable than mine, my work tends to be a bit on the seasonal side and weather dependant, if I had a bad couple of weeks weather wise or my hours were reduced we'd be up crap creek with out a paddle. My partners not a baby person either, I can't even get him to hold my sisters 9 month old, although he is good with my 2 1/2 year old niece, as he understands what she wants and can interact with her. Strange thing is I can look after my brothers and sisters kids with out any major issues, as when I've had enough they can go back home. but the thought of having to be the main care giver to one of my own totally freaks me out and I don't know how the hell I'm going to cope, with what is expected of me. The whole thought of breast feeding is just way to much for me at the moment and I've been having nightmares about it. I really thought I would have sorted out my issues out by now, but I just can't get my head around the idea of motherhood. -------------
|
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 29 September 2009 at 12:45pm
|
Hugs hun xox you don't havta breastfeed if you don't want - I haven't made up my mind yet either I don't really like sharing my body like that.
Maybe you could look into part-time care for bubs? Just knowing that baby was going somewhere else for a couple of mornings a week might help? Don't let yourself be pressured by other peoples expectations. Breast isn't always best, being a SAHM isn't always best, and like Flutterby said - falling in love with someone else, even your own child can take time so do your best not to worry. Theres nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do - there are heaps of other people out there who've been through the same struggles. You'll do just fine hun give yourself some room and remember that just cause society in general is into the whole BFing, SAHMing, lovey dovey parenting thing ATM doesn't mean its right for everyone just cross each bridge as you come to it don't freak out before its an issue. -------------
|
Posted By: busybee
Date Posted: 30 September 2009 at 7:51am
|
I agree
|
Posted By: firsttimedad
Date Posted: 26 May 2010 at 2:47pm
|
I don't know if anyone still reads this thread, but I just wanted to say that it rings so many bells for me it's not funny. I actually had this thread referred to me after I stated on somewhere else - http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/Forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33603&PN=1&TPN=1
My wife is going through something very similar to what Zasha is describing, and I can certainly relate to most of what everyone here is posting. We planned the pregnancy, but it's been a nightmare from about 6-8 weeks onwards. We're now at 24 weeks, and she feels nothing towards the child, in fact she feels negatively towards it and resents how much it's cost her to date and what it's going to cost her in the future. She sees nothing positive about being a parent and flinches at the idea of being called a mum. It feels like the biggest mistake she's ever made and despite naming the child she doesn't feel anything possiitve towards it. Ongoing morning sickness, weight gain (she's always been very weight concious), restricted lifestyle, diet and reduced income all couple with the prospect of PDN, the horrors of a bad delivery and the post birth recovery have her hating the thing within her. Zasha, she too see's it as a parasite that takes what it wants with no regard for her, and the idea that she should love something like that and is expected to want to devote her life to it makes her both angry and frustrated. She likes her pre-pregnancy life and doesn't want to suddenly have to be a slave to a baby, or feel that she should be. We plan on using day care pretty early on, and my focus will be on supporting her in getting herself sorted post birth. I think this is the best thing I can do for her, she needs to be happy with herself again i think, before she has any chance of bonding with the baby. perhaps she'll bond with the baby somewhere down the track, but it's tough to see that happening from where we're sitting now. anyway, she's been feeling like she's completely alone and no-one else can understand how she feels, so reading some of the comments on here is like music to my ears, and hers. Just knowing that she's not the only one who feels like this is helpful. Thanks to everyone who's posted here or on my thread, and if you know anyone who's had similar experiences please encourage them to post on one of the threads. Ideally I'd like to get one of them stickied by a mod so they are easy to find for new members as threads like this are just so important I think. |
Posted By: kellverona
Date Posted: 27 May 2010 at 7:40pm
|
OMG!! I have been feeling the same way. Been trying for number 2 for so long and now its finally happened Im feeling really overwhelmed. I dont have any connection as I did when I found out about our first and I also wonder how would I love another child as much as Jaxon. Feel real guilty also. Im hoping after I have had a scan etc It will feel more real and start feeling a bit more maternal. ------------- http://pregnancyplanet.net/tickers/"> 
|
Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 29 May 2010 at 10:09pm
| I too am feeling really guilty as I have been wanting a baby for so long, but now that I am pregnant am hating every minute of it. But then as weird as it is the thought of losing the baby petrifies me and I dont know how I would cope. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 30 May 2010 at 11:00am
i was exactly like this and although i loved the baby from when i knew i was pregnant i couldnt imagine when he came out and i found it harder than i thought it would be :( anyway just wanted to let you know I was the same.. and i hated the second preg too..but loved the results:) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |