Visitors after bubs arrives
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=2900
Printed Date: 30 September 2025 at 4:16pm
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Topic: Visitors after bubs arrives
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Subject: Visitors after bubs arrives
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:03pm
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Hi all,
We are having a few "issues" with people already asking us when they can come and see bubs (I'm not due for another 4 weeks!) At first we wanted to lock ourselves away at a birthing centre and then have visitors when we were ready to see people at home. As advised by Antenatal Tutor & Midwife! Long story short - birthing centre didn't work out so we'll be coming home after we get kicked out of hospital (approx 48hrs). We now appreciate that we can't hide bubs away from grandparents and immediate family. So we were thinking of saying to them to come visit in hospital then leave us alone for a week at home so that all 3 of us can get used to each other. We now have DH's mum telling us we are being selfish as all of the aunties and uncles and cousins will want to see baby too! Now bear in mind we only ever see these people once a year at the family xmas do and we haven't had so much as a congrats from any of them since we got preggy! Why should we have to change our wishes to suit these people!??!  *meh*
But in saying that... We don't want to upset anybody either by saying stay away! Any suggestions before I tear all of my hair out? lol ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
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Replies:
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:14pm
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Oh man ...I have/had the same prob. I think I mentioned that my hubby has a large family and there is no way they were gonna stay away. MIL saw Zaara at the hospital and then came over to stay with us for a week, so that she can help with the house work etc....ended up telling what to do, when to do and how to do. She phoned every one on this planet to tell them that we had a baby, and took it upon her self to invite them over.....arrgggg at 12th day Zaara had a big Hair cutting ceremony and we had 90 odd people over at our house. I had so many fights with DH that I thought I was going to divorce him.
To cut a long story short...I suggest that you lay down the law. It will affect the way you and DH bond with baby....so. Do what is best for you and your family....as you say....you see them once a year, so plenty of time for them to get over it!!  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mum2emj
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:23pm
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ahhhh!!! its a really hard one- well it shouldnt be but people make it hard. when i had my first, before i even had her i felt like i didnt want people to randomly come and visit, as i didnt know how i'd be feeling etc....
anyway, after i had my baby i had a PPH and it took everything out of me. i was drained physically and emotionally, i told my mum not to let anyone come to hospital until i was ready and "invited" people to... anyway later in the day after my baby was born, and while visiting hours were CLOSED (i might add!) i was having soo much trouble with the breast feeding and recovering from the blood loss..... i had a nurse with me and an aunty and some others arrived! i was so annoyed, she poked her head in and i really wanted to be alone! it was frustrating as she knew it was against my wishes to have any guests! they have the no visiting times for a reason and it just got me so angry!!! anyway... i think you can put all the stops in so that people are aware that you dont want them to just arrive without being invited, but there are a few people out there who dont have the respect to acknowledge it..... |
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:26pm
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Roksana, we have a similar prob.
My immediate family have just immigrated here and we're not 100% sure if Mum and Dad's new house will be ready before bubs arrives - If they are still with us, Mum will probably be the same as your mum. Don't get me wrong the help will be fantastic (as I'm a freak that MUST have the housework up to date before we have visitors! lol). But I can also see that having people in and out all day, every day (from DH's side) will effect the way we start life as a family, which afterall IS the most important thing! *sigh* such a stressful dilema! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:32pm
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Honestly Toni, you should tell every one what is your wish and ask them to respect it. Tell them that they will be able to see your bub in two weeks (or so) and that you need to take this time and get to know the bub (as well as bub gets to know you). Make sure your DH is on your side! The prob was that my DH is the oldest in the family and Zaara is the first Grandchild....makes a bit difficult!! Oh well Good luck to you hun!
oh and if all else fails...you can always come on here and vent! We are here for you! LOL   ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:33pm
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That's exactly how we feel - People having no respect for our wishes .
We don't know how I'll be feeling or how we'll be coping - you'd think people (especially those that had already had kids!) would be a bit better! When my Godson was born (we had been asked before he was born) we waited until a week after my GF had gone home and until we were invited! We're very close mates as we both had our families back in the UK so we were each others family. I wasn't upset that she requested no visitors at the hospital and I waited until she called me *sigh* ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jax
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:35pm
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I would say put your foot down and remind them it's YOUR baby.
I know they are a bit stubborn, but I know you can trump them on this one hun ! If barring visitors altogether for the first couple of weeks doesn't work, do it as if you were in a hospital or birthing centre and set a fixed time that people can visit during (say between 2pm and 6pm, not before or after).
I realise with your mum it will be a bit different if their house isn't ready, and I don't know what to suggest to help you cope with that hun - sorry ! To be honest, your MIL needs a reality check - I really don't understand exactly what it is that motivates some of these women to be total nightmares when there is a new baby on the way, and create all this extra, unnecessary and unwanted stress - ESPECIALLY since they have had children of their own ! I am full prepared to growl at anyone that just barges in, or overstays their welcome while we are at Birthcare - other than that I am not too worried about having an oversupply of visitors. I mean, there are plenty of friends and family around for support, but they are mostly level-headed sorts who have been asking if it's OK first and being respectful of the fact we might want our space to bond with bub for the first while. Mind you, my MIL is overseas which makes it a bit hard :P Heh. Anyway, novel over - sorry Toni ! ------------- Jacquie - Mama to Erin, 13.07.06 - Chief Cat Chaser & Marmite Sammie Eater 
Love many, trust few, harm none. ~Anon~ |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:36pm
| well I was kind of the opposite but that is probably cos Kobe was in NICU, i wanted visitors and to be able to show him off. Straight after the birth I was left alone while hubby was up in nicu with Kobe and my midwife was doing the paperwork and I just wnted some visitors. I felt great from pretty much day one so was happy to have visitors at the hospital but when we got home while I was happy for visitors I really wanted to limit the time and for them to ring first. We had a lot of people just turn up and many at the same time so while my dad might be there a lady from work would turn up and it was just awkward and tiring having to entertain everyone. Its hard because you dont know how you are going to feel but if you do allow visitors after just ask that they ring first and only a couple at a time. Oh and I didnt wake or get Kobe up if someone came over either, he was in a routine by then and I wasnt going to break tht for anyone |
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 1:36pm
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LOL oh I will Roksana, I promise
DH is probably more upset about it than me (I'm trying to remain stress free, but can feel my BP rising!) as it is HIS extended family causing the probs for us! I don't want him to have to shoulder all of this on his own though - poor love 
Lunch break over - thanks for your kind words ladies *blows kisses* ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 2:42pm
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i sent an email out with my second advising when we would be home and what times we would be available and told people if they were coming to bring lunch or a snack cause i wouldnt be doing anything. with my first i had visitors for the first two days but i didnt do anything, if they want coffee they make it themselves.
but if you dont see these people often then dont be afraid to offend them. just say no if that is what you want. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 6:57pm
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I'd just tell them all to bite me. My Dad's family showed up at the hospital the day after Maya was born at varying intervals throughout the day. I hadn't seen any of them while I was pregnant and have seen them probably 5 times since. So they will definitely not be welcome when I have the twins.
Mum's family are a different story, they actually CARE about me and the kids, but Dad's family were jus nosy to see what Maya looked like, and I'm buggered if I'll let my babies be used as a family freak show. LOL, don't mind me, just hae very strong feelings on teh subject.. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 7:07pm
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I had people keep on turning up and it was usually when I was about to have a sleep or trying to feed Hannah, and I was really struggling in those first few days but trying to keep up a brave face. I would try and get people to ring first and DO NOT let them pressure you into waking up the baby cos its you that will pay for it later. Its really hard to do I know but like Deb said if you hardly ever see them if you offend them they will have forgotten by Xmas! ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 19 June 2006 at 7:24pm
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I have never ever liked people "just turning up", and made it abundantly clear to those who didn't know me so well (Rods friends/family)well before baby, so I never had that problem. However, I did find that people would ring early in the morning (after I had sneaked back into bed) so I would unplug the phone...
Our maternity ward has very strict visiting hours and a great gaurd dog on the desk who will not let ANYONE down to see you outside these hours unless you have asked her to. They also provided a sign for your door that said something along the lines of We need to rest to look our best, please call again later, Mum and Baby sleeping. I used these a bit. I also played possum a couple of times I was real tired and someone ignored the sign and stuck their head round the door... I was tempted to take one of those signs home, but turned out I didn't need it. Novel over. Good Luck! (P.S you will become less worried aobut the house work, I promise!) ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 6:30am
| make them ring first, then when you are busy or sleeping, take it off the hook, or turn the volume off. |
Posted By: Anna
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 8:12am
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Our first weekend home was a nightmare, we had visitor after visitor all day sat and sun. And then by the end of it we were all so frazzled, Quinn wouldn't sleep and I was in tears. And I stil felt obliged to welcome every visitor with open arms.
This time round I am considering having something like visiting hours, or I really like the idea of Debs email. And my phone will be off as much as needed!! ------------- Anna http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 9:11am
I showed this thread to Hubby last night and he said he feels a lot better knowing that it's not just his family that are a bunch of *inserts swear words* 
Thanks heaps for the advice ladies. We'll definitely do the "phone first" thing. The only thought I have on the "not waking baby just for them" what if then they stay until baby wakes up!!?!?!  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jax
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 9:33am
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That's where having "visiting hours" comes in, or a time limit on how long people can stay. ------------- Jacquie - Mama to Erin, 13.07.06 - Chief Cat Chaser & Marmite Sammie Eater
Love many, trust few, harm none. ~Anon~ |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 9:49am
Just say "oh well I guess this gives you an excuse to come back another day....so that you can see the baby while she/he is awake!!!"" now GET OUT!!! he he ha ha  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MILF
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 12:13pm
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my thoughts on this is that i would rather have the visitors at hospital ( where i dont have to get out of bed to entertain them, and it is regulated, and someone else is cooking) and get them all out of the way, before we get home from hosp. Then i would hope that we would have a lull in visitors...... and def will have a sign on the door ( as i did with xanthe) saying we are sleeping, come back later. Just make sure you lock the door - i had an auntie come in one day, when i was pretending to be asleep. oops! ------------- Lyla - mum to Xanthe - my big 4 year old
and Jordis - 1 year old 
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Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 1:46pm
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Looks like the hospital would be the best option for visitors and he/she who dares to let themselves into our house will get it with both barrels and then some! That's just shocking, poor you!!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 1:57pm
| What about a "bring a plaet" policy. they can come, but they have to bring some food. then they virtually feed themselves, or you have a yummy tea or something. then at least you don't need to wrry about providing snacks. OR at your do have a lst of chores to be done. You can come, but you have to vacuum the bedroom. |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 2:19pm
Im doing the call us and schedule a time to come and visit and it will only be for a set amount of time  I have told everyone already and they are respecting that
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 3:14pm
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The call first policy is great, providing you have someone to answer the phone for you, or can let it go straight to answer phone and ring them back.
Murphy's law dictates that it will be just as you and baby are drifting off to sleep, or you have just got comfy on the couch and are feeding your babe, and THEN the phone will ring! So go with texting, or make sure you have an answerphone. My visitors were pretty respectful, sometimes I was a bit exhausted and just played up being tired and then they would leave! hehehe On the other hand, sometimes it was good to be able to pawn the child off to them!
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Posted By: preggy_sunflower
Date Posted: 20 June 2006 at 4:20pm
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We had a bit of a mare at first with the whole visitor issue too. I was in hospital for 5 days after Joshie was born, so people felt that it was ok to just turn up during visiting hours. It was ok when it was close family and friends cos they understood that I'd just had major surgery and was still drugged up to the eyeballs and really, couldn't have held an intelligent conversation if you paid me They were happy to cuddle the baby and fuss over me. It's the people you don't know so well, who are really just turning up for a good nosey, who are the hardest. You end up having to take care of THEM. In the end Jono put a sign on my door saying no visitors. Was the best thing ever as my Day 3 blues had kicked in and those who knew me knew I just needed some space.
Remember - you're the boss! Don't feel bad if you have to ask people to b*gger off. If they are any kind of friend at all they will understand. ------------- Joshua Hadynn - Born 3 May 2006 |