different last name
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Printed Date: 05 October 2025 at 4:44pm
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Topic: different last name
Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Subject: different last name
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 10:54am
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well here is the situation.
I have a 5 year old daughter who has my last name (father has never been in the picture and is not on birth certificate) and i am currently expecting my second child to my now partner. We are going to be giving the new baby his dads last name, so the two siblings will have different last names. When DP and i get married (one day lol) i will also probably take his last name which will mean DP, DS, and I will all share the same last name and DD will have my maiden name. I told my mum last night that we are planning on giving the baby DP's last name and she was shocked and said it will be weird for them to have different names. (she doesn't like DP and i think it might be another way of her trying to make him not be in my life IYKWIM) she suggested a hyphenated last name but i'm not keen on that as my last name is 8 letters and DP's last name is 5. I don't really want to make the kid have to learn such a long name. (or DP for that matter as he is dyslexic) so what i'm asking is your thoughts on this and if you think it is weird for syblings to have different last names. and what you think about DD being the only one with my maiden name after i get married (probably a couple of years away). -------------  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Replies:
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 10:56am
| Screw what your mum thinks. If you want to give her your DP's last name then do that. One of my friends gave their child to a different partner his last name when they got married. It was made to be part of the ceremony where he formally welcomed him into his family, it was really cool. |
Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 10:58am
| the thing is i don't think DD wants to change her last name as "that's her name" IYKWIM |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:02am
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I'd do it. For a while there we were considering giving boys in our family my maiden name and girls DH's surname just so that my family line wouldn't die out (as we've all had girls). I bet you're not the only one to do it.
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:11am
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I am in a similar situation to you except Sam has his fathers last name, rather than my last name.
My new baby will have my DPs last name and as we're planning on getting married, I will take his last name eventually too and any other children we have together will have his name leaving only Sam with a different last name. My DP has asked me very seriously on a few occasions whether we can change Sam's last name to his one so that he won't feel left out and while this would be nice in theory, I am quite traditional and feel that Sam should keep his father's name (even though he is certainly not my favourite person in the world). Also, it would be a cold, cold, cold day in hell before his father and family would allow that to happen and to be honest, it is so not worth the grief that would come from that. My DP also suggested that we just hyphenate the names. Sam's last name is very unusual and so is my DP's and putting them together would make it sound very similar to 'Wurzel Gummage' and I am not having my son stuck with that name forever! So he will be keeping his father's name and I know the conversation is going to come up again between my DP and I as he feels strongly about being being the dad in this house and all our children including Sam should have the same name. Not going to happen! ETA Do what you feel is best! My DP thinks that Sam might grow up to feel left out of our family but IMO, I don't think his name will make a difference, I would never let Sam feel left out. |
Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:14am
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i know a few people that have different surnames than their siblings.
DP has a different surname to his sister, and their mum has a different name again so he definitely doesn't think it is weird. i think maybe my mum just needs to get over the fact that he is in my life and is going to stay there. and after all the baby is half his i didn't make him all by myself lol. |
Posted By: CarrieMum
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:18am
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My Sister kept her maiden name when she married her husband as she had a 5 year old daughter and she didn't want her to be the only one with a different last name. When she had her son, he had her DH's last name so there was 2 of each. Worked fine for them. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:41am
My older sister and I have my mum's maiden name, the younger ones have my dads name. Personally, I hated it as a child. One of the schools we went to refused to acknowledge we were siblings, to the point where when my little sister was seriously hurt, they didn't come and get me to comfort her because I wasn't recognised as family  Fortunately she asked one of her friends to come and find me. It also didn't help that the one sibling I did share a name with wasn't very nice to me, and I dearly wanted to be part of the younger set. On the plus side, it made it very easy to take my DH's name when I got married, cos I had no attachment to my old name, and it meant no more explaining that yes, actually I'm so&so's sister even though we have different names. Now that I have rings on my finger, no-one flinches at the different name. (And its kind of handy at times that the family connection isn't immediately obvious given some of the situations we cross paths these days!).
So thats my 2 cents. I think its much more common these days though, so perhaps they child will no longer have to explain themselves 3 times a week anymore. My father offered my sister and I the chance to take his name when I was 9. I thought it would be a bit weird, but I was happy for it to happen. My 12 year old sister threw a giant tanty and said absolutely not because she had "established herself" in her current name. They didn't want to force her, and they decided it would be worse to have 1 kid with a different name than 2, so I wasn't allowed. I spent the next 14 years (till I got married) wishing I had though! A friend of mine in highschool changed her name to her mother's maiden name after their messy divorce, and she did it between intermediate and highschool, so she simply started the new school with the new name. Seemed to work quite well I thought. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:44am
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If it were me I'd name the new baby with my maiden name (as per your daughter)...that way there'd be some incentive for your DP to make an 'honest' woman of you. That way the kid(s) names could also be 'changed' when you change yours as part of the marriage ceremony. Odd I know, but I'd be keen to keep my name and my childrens names 'the same' until I had a paper commitment (wedding cert) from my DP. ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:44am
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my first 2 have a different surname to #3 me and DH, but we have hyponated it with DH surname - DD took a little while to actually want just to do it - as she didn't want to hurt her birth dads feelings - so we left it for her and when she decided she want to we did - we have not legally changed it but at school etc .... we have. There would be no way my ex would let me change it legally so will do when the kids are older and ex won;t have a choice (besides if we did legally ex would not have to pay child support - what little he does!) ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
876 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:59am
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I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship , shes always had her bio dad (who she still sees regularly) and my last name hyphenated , his name first, mine at the end .
I got married in Feb and we have unofficially taken my name off and added her stepdad's , so she has both fathers last names , and has the same name as her 3 brothers on her dad's side , and my baby boys . I say do what you want, ignore your mum . ------------- 
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 12:17pm
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Firstly, my parenting mantra is always that you need to work out what works for you and bugger all the other people so take the rest of my advice with a grain of salt.
Some of my more strident feminist friends who naturally kept their names post marriage/civil union are giving their kids different surnames depending on gender or birth order. I suppose the thing to remember is that it isn't the name itself that creates the bond but at the same time changing a name might be a big thing to an older (say 4-5 year+ child). Another suggestion could be that your DF takes your name, Some http://offbeatbride.com/2008/04/groom-changing-last-name - dudes have done that! And I suppose if there is going to be any name changing going on, it is only natural that all possiblilties are considered (might also be a good thinking exercise for your partner to realise how big a commitment the name change is). I'm a bit iffy of parents changing surnames to spite parents. My partner's evil ex likes to call their daughter by her surname even though he is very much in the picture both in finacial and parenting terms! It also really annoys the kiddo. Right enough crazy ramblings for me! |
Posted By: palomino
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 12:36pm
| Another side of the coin, my mum was in a similar situation with me and she changed my last name when i was 13. It was a pain in the bum to say the least, everyone at school wanted to know why. It would be a pain going to library etc and forgetting what name it was under. I wish she had either done it when i was younger or not at all. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 12:52pm
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i say go with what you want to do. if your daughter is happy to stay with her name I say leave it.. and tell her she can change it if she ever wants to one day..
in my friend's family due to the country they live in they have all got different names ... which is confusing but i think in your situation it would be fine.. ! ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 3:40pm
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Do what you want. We gave DD her dads last name we were going to double barrel it but gave her two middle names and thought it would be mean lol. We are more then happy for her to use my last name if she feels she needs to later in life as she is able to use her english middle name if she finds it easier in the job front then using her Maori first name and Samoan last name lol poor child. When we get married I am thinking of double barreling my last name as I still feel as though I will be an E**** but I would also like to be part of DD's family iykwim ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: kellie
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 4:00pm
If it helps, I had a different last name than my siblings. It never really bothered me at all  ------------- 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 4:03pm
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Do what works for you, there are many different ways to make a family these days, and what you choose to call yourselves is entirely up to you.
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: littleLittle
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 4:05pm
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I say do what feels right for you. When I was growing up my sister and I had my Dad's surname while my brothers and mum had my stepfathers surname. Kind of a different scenario than what you're going through because while mum brought us up dad was still in the picture.
However as far as my brothers were concerned (technically my half brothers but to me they're just my brothers) the fact that we had different surnames made no difference at all to how I felt about them or how we were seen by others. In all honesty until I read this I never really thought about the fact that we had different surnames so for us it had absolutely no impact at all. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 5:49pm
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My family aren't too keen on my DP either but I am giving baby DPs last name coz we've been together 3 yrs so doesn't really matter what they think... If you do get married he could adopt your DD or you could just change her last name to his?? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: IVFGirl1111
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 5:50pm
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I totally agree with E - Surfer Girl!
I know a girl in school who had exactly the same situation and the girls HATED it! Also as E said it would be so much easier to change ALL your names once you do get married. At the end of the day it is totally up to you though. ------------- TTC 6 years IVF it is IVF/ICSI round one 10 eggs, 8 mature, 3 fertilised BFN IVF/ICSI #2 = 22 eggs! 20 mature, 15 fertilised, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frosties BFN 2 Frosties still in freezer thank god |
Posted By: Inlove28
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 6:54pm
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I agree with the other ladies suggestions as its your own personal choice and it should matter what others think.
Personally though I might give my expected child my maiden name until I get married, saves paper work and the kids are connected. If by any chance at all that I didnt get married my children would share the same name as myself? |
Posted By: JD
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 9:36pm
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I agree with Inlove28 and Surfergirl. I would give the child my maiden name and then change it once you get married.
My DD has mine and her fathers surnames hiphenated and now my name is completely different because I have since married. There is no way she will let me change her last name as since she is a girl and will change it when she gets married, I don't worry too much. If I could turn back time, I would only giver her my maiden name and not try and please everyone by hyphenating. Up to you though... Oh and just a personal opinion....I don't think the Dad should get his name on the certificate until he has married the mum. **not ment to offend anyone, just my opinion** ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 10:41am
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Personally I think your DD would possibly feel left out. She will know that she is different somehow to the other baby.
When you and your DP get married, perhaps he would consider adopting your DD? Or perhaps you could look at having her name changed by deed poll. We have friends who are in a similar situation. I believe the hubby is considering adopting the child so she has the same last name as the rest of the family. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 10:50am
Huh? Being a father and being a husband are two totally different things and you can be one with out the other. Why would you leave it off the birth certificate? |
JD wrote:Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 11:19am
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JD, I understand where you are coming from, I'm not married to my daughter's father (though I love him deeply), so she has my last name, he and I had an agreement that if our baby was a boy, he'd get his last name, and if it was a girl, she'd get mine. BUT his surname is included because he will always be her Daddy - as her second middle name. his name is R..J..P..., and her name is Elizabeth J. P. H.... he was so pleased with my decision to include him so much, but I do feel that unless we are married, he does not have the right to expect our child to have his surname.
ETA - you have to include the father on the birth certificate, no matter how you feel about him. You can choose whatever name you want, but the father must be named. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 11:51am
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You can't legally not put a father on the birth certificate if you know who he is. I don't know why you would do that either if you were in a relationship - if you choose to have a child when you aren't married then you can't make your partner pay for that.
I changed Jakes surname to DPs because for us its a symbol of belonging and commitment. DP said it was a public acknowledgement of him choosing Jake as his son. Our next baby will have DPs surname too. There are going to be enough differences between the kids (i.e Jake has 2 dads!) that I want to minimise everything else as much as possible. My opinion is that its more important for your daughter to feel like she belongs by having DPs surname than keeping your name simply because shes had it for awhil. A surname doesn't define who you are - its the importance you attach to it that does that. -------------   
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 12:46pm
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JD- I wouldn't have thought twice about giving baby DHs surname if we hadn't gotten married before it arrived! Honestly can't say it would have worried me-just because someone is not married doesn't mean there is not the same level of committment. And as Lemongirl says, being a father and being a husband are different things!
My sisters kids have different last names, the older kids with their dads surname, the younger with her partners surname, she still has her married name so is the same as the older kids and to be honest don't think anyone has any issues there! They are all just brothers and sisters! ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: Bel
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 1:59pm
*** waiting for the 5+ page debate to start...*** JD, I agree that in some/most households, marriage comes before kids, and that is what we did, but there are many people out there who choose to have children first, or not get married at all, and that makes no difference to how they parent their children... Not putting a father on the birth certificate is a BIG deal, and very difficult to do in NZ ------------- Mum to two beautiful kids 
Luke (09.11.2007) Amy (01.04.2009) |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 4:12pm
Huh
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 4:37pm
HUH??? hes the childs father he has EVERY RIGHT especially if you are ina relationship with him... If he is absent through out the pregnancy and just a 'sperm donor' then yes he doesn't have a right but if he is your PArtner then he has every right! Also those who are thinking of changing names after your married (this is childs names not your own) relieze you have to pay to legally change the childs name and the father (birth or not) has to legally adopt the child?! deedpoll I think needs to be a certain age. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
876 |
Posted By: Bel
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 4:41pm
You say OUR child but seem to make out like this would be YOUR child - why should you be allowed to choose the surname of your child. I mean I realise that a choice needs to be made, but I am sure it is something that needs discussion not an absolute no. ------------- Mum to two beautiful kids
Luke (09.11.2007) Amy (01.04.2009) |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 5:18pm
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Bel i picked up the OUR in that note and the MINE in the whole sentence IYKWIM ------------- http://lilypie.com">
876 |
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 5:38pm
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LOL, interesting choice of quote. Like I said, he and I had an agreement about female = my name, male = his name. Before the birth. She has his middle name and his surname as her second middle name, I hate hyphenated names. Her name was fully discussed and agreed upon by both of us. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com">
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Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 5:40pm
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Oh, and chickaboo, yep when we get married her name's will be changed, and NO he does not need to adopt her as he is already the birth father. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com">
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Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 6:07pm
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Our baby will have DPs surname, A few reasons behind this some not as important as other reasons but just what we have decided. I feel that the decision to have this baby was equally both of ours so I don't think that just because we are not married DP shouldn't get his name on the birth cert (in no means am I offended by what JD said just stating my POV) Also I think that the decision of who's last name the baby should have should be a joint one if you are in a relationship (married or not) I don't think either person in the relationship should EXPECT that the baby have their surname IYKWIM? I am not actually worried whether DP and I end up getting married or not, I've never been that girl that dreamed of their wedding day and we are dedicated to each other for the rest of our lives and don't need the piece of paper to say it (again I'm not against marriage in anyway so noone be offended) We probably will get married for the fact that it is a way for us to all have the same name, but there is no hurry for this so I don't see why DP or I should be penalised (for lack of a better word) for not being married before we decided to have a baby.
Gosh sorry guys not sure if any of that would've made sense I blame baby brain  ------------- 
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Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 6:37pm
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wow its great to see everyone's point of view on this. I didn't know it was going to turn into such a debate. it is very interesting to read tho. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 7:00pm
Times might of changed (for the better cause I thought it was silly for a birth father to adopt their child for them to have their surname) but a friend had to do this but granted that was approx 10 years ago. It does though cost about $125 to do it though.. not too much really though. (and $50 if child is under 2) LOL i looked it up ------------- http://lilypie.com">
876 |
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 7:03pm
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If we can afford a wedding, we can afford to have everybody's name changed ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com">
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Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 7:14pm
Sorry, I havnt read all the posts, but just thought I would add my 2 cents 
I have both my mums and my dads last names (like would be hyphenated but there isnt a hyphen, just a space) as does my little sister. My parents were never married and had decided that if we were girls we would have mums last name and if we were boys we would have dads... But my dad mucked up my birth cert and put his name then mums name so did the same for my sister when she was born. I have 10 letters a space then 5 letters... Its on the longer side but have more of an issue with people thinking I have left out the hyphen in my name and putting it in for me!! I have not yet changed my last name since we got married (I promised DH I would, despite disliking my last name when I was growing up, I have become very attached to it and see it as "my name" just like your DD) I have said I will change it when we register bubba Which is prob just me procrastinating again!
I dont really have any advice on what to do.. If your DD doesnt want to change it, then I wouldnt make her. My mum always said that I was free to change my last name if I wanted to, so I think if you let her know that then if she wants to down the track she might change her mind? Although if you think you want you all to have the same last name it would be better to change it sooner rather than later, as I doubt she would remember it later on?? You just gotta do what you gotta do... Its up to you... No one else can make the decision for you  ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 7:52pm
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Well im onto marriage number two, so when I joked that I wanted the kids to have my last name SD was not impressed as it was another mans name (I never changed back to my maiden name). So in our case it was a forgone conclusion that they would take his.
Also as a side note .. I dont think the government would be too pleased with JDs opinion on only listing the Father if you are married to him.  ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: tropics
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 8:50pm
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lol
Im married to DH but my name is hyphernated (sp?) as his last name is Brown (BORING) and I dont have a middle name so Kylie Brown for my entire name would have just been way to boring so my last name is hyphernatied so its a little more interesting, anyway DH did not want Jaydens last name to be hyphernated so he has his last name (Brown) BORING but we have my dads name as Jaydens middle name so I have a piece of me in there
My parents werent married when I was born (Im a bastard child!!!! ) I was 5 when they got married but mum had given me dads last name anyway
I recon its personal opinion, and what you feel comfortable with is all good! ------------- http://lilypie.com">    [/url]
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 10 October 2009 at 4:03pm
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after reading all the posts im going to put my 2cents in!
nobody can tell you the right name for your baby so do what is right for you
when i have a baby with my DP im going to give it his last name- only because i dont like mine (family problems with my dads family after he past away) i was actually going to change my last name to my mum maiden name (and make my current last name another middle name- to remember my dad) now im going to wait until we get married and take his last name (can i make my last name another middle when i get married?) |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 10 October 2009 at 5:19pm
Yes, that's what I've done. I was F..A..S.. and then when we got married became F..A..S..B. I just got my passport amended (sent in my wedding certificate and said "please change it to x" - probably had to do a form as well) and I've had no problems - IRD, work everyone accepted my new name ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 10 October 2009 at 8:01pm
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LOL LF yep I made that joke too - did not go down well either - men
When you get married you can choose to use your married name or maiden name. Birth certificates aren't changed anymore so if you want to keep your maiden name no dramas and if you want to change then just present your wedding cert - very simple. Same with changing back - when me and ex seperated I just asked the bank, ird, etc to change back and since they already had my birth cert it wasn't a problem. You can change your childs name by deed-poll but if the fathers name is on the birth cert then you need his permission - of course if its not you have all the power Just been through this so yeah Chickaboo is right with the pricing.
Tania I guess it really depends on your daughter about the name. Shes still quite young so thats why I thought changing her name (or even hyphenating it) might be easier coz of course if she was 13 she'd probably have a very definite opinion but she may actually have a good idea of what she wants right now! I also thought that as there doesn't appear to have been any other father figure in her life she may really identify with your DP as her dad. Hope you guys find what works for you -------------
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