Am i wrong?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=29391
Printed Date: 10 October 2025 at 7:03pm
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Topic: Am i wrong?
Posted By: kebakat
Subject: Am i wrong?
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 5:23pm
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My granddad was hit by a car this morning and has been in hospital. my mum has rung me a couple of times and theres nothing they can do for him bar make him comfortable and they were hoping he would go to sleep..
I love my granddad, hes very cool but I dont really wanna go to hospital and see him in that state, I wanna remember him as I do rather than seeing him like that. My bro and cousin came round to ask if I knew and asked when i was going up there and i made some non commital noises and they said hes lying there peacefully, but i still dont wanna go. I dont think i would regret not going. I just dont want the image of him like that in my head when i remember him. Is it wrong that i dont go? |
Replies:
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 5:34pm
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If I was in your shoes, I'd go up to the hospital to support my family, but I wouldn't go into the room - I don't think you're wrong at all in wanting to keep a good memory of him, but maybe take some dinner (even if it's only sandwiches or something simple) up to the family that has chosen to sit with him, just so they know you care. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 5:36pm
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OMG what a horrid situation to be in. I'm so sorry!
My mum saw her dad right through his illness and said later she wished her last images of him weren't of him all wasted away. If he doesn't know who is around I would do whatever feels right for you. However, if he is lucid then he may want to see you so that does make it harder. -------------  
 
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Posted By: Treen
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 5:51pm
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DH and I were with DH's father as his health deteriorated with cancer. Our memories remain of the old goat complaining about this, that and the other, his love garage sales and his kooky house. We also have memories of his death, but that's part of the whole package. We wouldn't have it any other way. Personally, I'd drop everything and run to my grandfather's side. I wouldn't worry about your memories being tainted. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 6:02pm
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I don't really know what to suggest, as both options are "right", just depends on you IYKWIM?
But I just wanted to give some  ------------- 
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Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 6:06pm
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i know excatly how you feel, when my granddad got really sick a few years ago....i ended up going to the hospital with my family, but i didnt go to see him.
(i wasnt that close to him though, and ive never regretted not seeing him, as i have wonderful memories of him as he use to be) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 6:43pm
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I saw my nan and granddad when they were both terribly ill and had basically got to the point that they didn't even know who I was, it was upsetting and I do remember it but it's not the first thing I think of when I think of them. My grandparents on my mums side both died suddenly (although still related to old age) and in some ways I wish I had had a chance to say good bye to them but then on the other hand I have no memory of seeing them ill.
I don't think there are any right answers. I like the idea of you going but not going into his room so that you are there for the rest of you family, but if you really can't face going just be honest, I'm sure your family will understand. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: 3xMummy
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 7:05pm
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Huge hugs Stacey
I agree with the others, maybe go up to be with your family but not in to see him? Do what feels right for you tho. All the best x ------------- Jess  http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 7:34pm
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Hugs I was with both my Mum and Dad when they passed away, and although for both of them my last encounter was of sickness, and them not being as I remembered from when they were healthy, it didn't take away the good memories I have. Infact now 11 and 3 years on respectively, almost all of my memories are from 'better days'. I think your brain has a way of fading out some of the bad stuff...
When my Nana passed away, I hadn't seen her for a while and she was in hospital pretty much in a coma with pneumonia and (because it was so close to my Mum passing away) Dad didn't let us go and see her. I still wish now that we had been able to say a proper goodbye to her. Anyway, as the others have said, do what feels right for you. -------------  
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 7:49pm
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Hugs Stacey.
I know this is a hard thing to ask but will you go & see him when he is gone? Do you need closure by either seeing him now or seeing him later? You also need the chance to say goodbye. Hugs again Hun, I had a very cool Grandpop & I still miss him. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 7:53pm
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Its a toughie, there are only so many chances we get to say good bye, and you can't get them back when people are gone, all I can say is if you love your granddad and would like to see him one last time before he goes I'd do it.
Having lost my mum to a short sickness I'd do anything to spend more of those last few weeks with her regardless of how ill she was. Family members are so special make the most of them while they are here. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: KH25
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 7:56pm
Sorry about your grandad Stacey  I was with my grandfather in his last days before he passed away from cancer. it was extremely upsetting to see but after he died I went to see him at the funeral home before the funeral and OMG he looked great!! He looked just like he did before he got sick! I'm so glad I saw him like that as I was very dubious about going. I guess that could be another option for you? All the best ------------- Kelly, mum to DD, 19Jun06 (26wks 1lb15oz) DS1, 24Oct10 (32wks 4lb11oz) and DS2, 31Dec11 (32wks, 4lb11) http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 8:26pm
I can't answer what's right for you, but for me, I'd go in a heartbeat. In fact I did, but I didn't make it in time. He did look terrible at the hospital but I really needed that time with him and to hug and kiss him while he was still warm. I also went and spent time with him at the funeral home, he looked fantastic (as much as a 76-yo man can  ) but I wouldn't replace trying to see him at the hospital for anything.
But at the end of the day, if you don't want to go and see him, don't. I would suggest, like others, though that maybe you go and be with your family and just not go in. |
Posted By: tropics
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 8:32pm
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hugs hun thats so sad
My nana died of cancer and was very sick looking at the end, and I dont remember her like that as blondy and others have said I remember the good memories rather than seeing her deterorating at the end Also the one thing I do regret was not saying my good byes, I knew she was dying but couldnt bring myself to say that I loved her and good bye, I will regret that forever, so perhaps go up to support your family and dont regret not saying goodbye if its something you do want to do when your there hugs hun ------------- http://lilypie.com">    [/url]
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Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 8:48pm
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I can fully understand... a close family member deteriorated in hospital and in the last few weeks of his life, I just couldn't bring myself to go and visit anymore. I loved him so much, but he wouldn't have even known that I was there and it was just too painful to see him like that. We knew what was going to happen and I just did not want to watch him die. I haven't ever regretted not going, just feel relief when I think about it, and I'm so glad that no one pressured me into going.
I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with. No one can doubt that you obviously love your Granddad. It's not wrong to do what you have to do to protect yourself. Big hugs hun, it's a tough time by the sounds of things ------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 9:37pm
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I'm sorry thats awful! I understand the not going to see him, but maybe he wants to see you?
I had a uncle die last year, he deteriorated quite bad in a short period of time but we couldn't afford to go up to see him, while it was hard that the last time I saw him was in his coffin, I'm glad I didn't have to watch him deteriorate. It helped that I had gotten to speak to him on the phone though. It's not wrong if you don't go, don't feel bad about it if you don't go, but make a decision that is best for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 9:59pm
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I don't think you're wrong Stacey. I completely understand the way you feel. And I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I would probably not want to see someone in that situation either.
But, perhaps the one thing that would change my mind is wondering if my loved one could hear me, and/or know that I was there. It might mean a lot to know that you came. I wouldn't want that person wondering why I hadn't come to see them if there was some sort of cognition going on. That would probably be enough for me to go and see them the once. I was in this situation once, when I was a lot younger. Unfortunately I saw my Grandfather when he was ill and having a coughing fit on his bed. That is my last memory of him, and I really wish it wasn't. But, it has never stopped me remembering all the fabulous things about him and it's not what I think of when I think of him, IYKWIM. Hugest hugs though. This is a horrible situation. I hope your grandfather recovers, but if not then I hope he has a peaceful passing. Thinking of you. |
Posted By: RoSee
Date Posted: 15 October 2009 at 10:28pm
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So sorry to hear this has happened
I don't think anyone can tell you what is right for YOU to do  Personally, if something like that was to happen to me, I would want my family by my side. You will never lose your wonderful memories of him 
Take care ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
 September '11
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Posted By: Turtle
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 9:29am
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Sorry to hear about your Grandad, my thoughts are with you.
My Grandad was in hospital earlier this year, they didn't expect him to live past a couple of days, but him managed to get a wee bit better before he passed away after about 3 weeks in there. For me, I couldn't imagine not seeing him as much as I could. Someof my memories of him have been of him in the hospital bed and having the nurses atttend all of his needs, but these memories are very rare. When I think of him, I mostly think of the person that he was. My main thought while he was in hospital was that we were there for support for him. Quite often he would be asleep for most of the time you were there, but for the brief time when he woke up to see someone hanging out with him, it was worth it. |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 9:31am
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Stacey I'm so sorry for you and your family. I know you've probably made your decision by now but I just thought I'd share my opinion anyway.
My grandfather passed away earlier this year and I was actually the one who found him when I went to his house in the morning and then had to tell my grandmother who was in hospital at the time. Although it was terribly traumatic and I still think about the actual morning often, it isn't what I think of when I think of him. I remember him as he was and the great times that we had, not of him after he passed away. Only you know what is right, don't do anything just because you think you should.
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 9:50am
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Stace I'm so sorry!!
I don't think its wrong if you don't go in to see him though I do think being at the hospital might make things easier afterwards? Will your family be offended with you if you don't show up at all? That would be my biggest concern for you - if your family decides to make things difficult for you because you didn't go up to the hospital (even if you don't go see your grandad). I personally would rather see a family member before they passed than afterwards but thats a personal preference because I hate coffins and the coldness and I, like summerlamb, discovered my grandmas body when I was a kid. Anyway whatever you decide I'm thinking of you and I hope he passes easily -------------   
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Posted By: sweetpea
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 12:03pm
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Stacey, really sorry for the postion that you and your family are in. I hope for all of your sakes that the wait isn't a long one. I can totally undersatnd where you are comming from and no there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.
As long as you are happy with your decision then thats fine screw what everyone else thinks. ------------- http://daisypath.com"> 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 12:45pm
| It's a really personal decision and not one that anyone else can make for you. But for me it would depend on whether he was coherent or not. If he was coherent I would want to go to let him know that I was there for him. If not, then I would only be going for myself and the rest of my family which is probably something that I would choose not to do. As you say, it is nicer to remember them in happier times. |
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 1:30pm
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Stacey sorry missed this post yesterday so *hugs* for today and yesterday.
How is he doing now? No one should judge you on not going in to see your grandad but as someone suggested you could go up there to support your mum and family just not go in the room. My friend when her mum was dying did not go in the room when it was towards the end and no one has ever judged her for that. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 1:39pm
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I'm really sorry you and your family have to go through this Stacey
I haven't really read all the replies, but I think you need to do what you feel is right in your heart
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 16 October 2009 at 2:56pm
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Stacey, so sorry to hear that big
I have not read the replies, but you should do what you think best for you. This is a time to support family & get support, I take it it is your mums dad & I can understand why she want you there, for support for her & for you to say goodbye. She has probably been in this position before & saying goodbye to a loved one has helped.It also helps with the grief process. Bad memories fade, death, funerals they all fade to a acceptable state, but the love & fun shared never does. We don't always get a chance to say goodbye.
Best wishers to you & your family at this sad time. |