Baby’s Time with Grandparents
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=29600
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Topic: Baby’s Time with Grandparents
Posted By: Blankney94
Subject: Baby’s Time with Grandparents
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 11:38am
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Just wanted to reach out and ask - what amount of time do you consider is normal for your baby / children to spend with their grandparents? We only have the one set of grandparents here (my parents). My husband's Dad lives in Christchurch. They kind of visit here about once every 7-10 days for about 1/2 hr. We visit them about once a week. They live 5 mins away. I feel like I have to ask if I want Mum to mind my baby. If I don't ask, she certainly doesn't volunteer very often. We are very careful not to assume grandparents are "instant babysitters". But they have only had Brooke for a couple of hours maybe once every 2 months without us being there. I feel it could be more, right? I am sooo jealous of those lucky babies who have grandparents that always want to be around their grandchildren. It's more the family time I want for Brooke, not time away from her. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Febgirl
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 11:49am
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That's a lot more than DD's grandparents spend with her (and they live 20 mins away from us)...although they are both busy with their own lives/working etc. They are DH's parents, though, if it was my mum living close by I'm sure we'd see her every second day! ------------- Two little girls under 2! 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 11:52am
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my parents are busy working fulltime too..but mostly we go to see them..having said that it would prob be twice a week we see them for an hour or two a time?
if it makes you feel any better mine have never had him for more than an hour (except one day when we moved) either.. btu partly that is due to my lack of asking i guess? ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 12:19pm
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Both mine and DH's parents work full time but..
Daniel regularly spends a night (usually sat) at one of their places. For example the weekend just been he spent friday night, came back sat with the inlaws and not this coming weekend but the weekend after hes going to my parents. Its fantastic. If I ever need a babysitter I always ask them first. Because of the types of jobs everyone has we don't see them during the week usually at all. On the odd ocassion my mum and dad will pop by but thats once a month type thing (they live 20 mins away). In total daniel has probably spent about 6-8 nights with my parents and almost 20 with the inlaws |
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 12:20pm
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It really depends on the Grandparents. my daughter's Nannan (my mum) pops in for coffee/ catch up about 2-3 times a week, and we go out to the farm to see her and Grandad once a week. We see the Great-Grandparents once a week. We see Grandpa and Grandma about once a fortnight, and then we see Granny (DP's Mum) ummmmm - well we havn't seen her since Xmas.
My mum has babysat once, and watched her half a dozen times for half an hour or so while I pop out to the shop. None of the other grandparents have ever babysat. Edited to add - My mum works part time, my dad works full time. Grandpa is retired, Grandma works fulltime out of town. Greatgrandparents are retired. Granny works full time. So working or not working doesn't seem to be a factor in how much we see anyone. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 12:22pm
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My parents both work fulltime, but come around at every opportunity they get (they live about 20 mins away), although they try not to do it too often on weeknights as Isabelle wants to go home with them.
They also take Isabelle every Saturday avo and bring her back Sunday night. In saying that .. my Father has waited (impatiently) for grandchildren for 12 years so they were bound to dote on grandkids when they eventuated. Elias is still too young for them to look after overnight, so they tend to spend time with him on Sunday when they bring Issy home. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 12:44pm
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My parents see the girls maybe once a week - Mum more than Dad as I tend to take them into Mum's work (they're a small firm who love to see them grow). It's usually for an hour or two at a time. Sometimes I take them to their house so Dad can see them too - this is more like 2 or so hours. Mum looked after the girls for an hour or so one time while I had a job interview, she helped me take them for their 6 week immunisations and will also come for the 12 week ones.
The in-laws see the girls every weekend, both days, and MIL usually comes over once or twice during the week to feed one of them. She dotes on them. It used to be everyday. DH's Grandma sees them every Saturday when we go for lunch, when she feeds one of the girls. If she misses that feed she will come over for one of the other feeds. |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 12:54pm
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My Mum comes to our house and looks after our Daughter every Wednesday for a half day and every Friday all day and she stays the night so that DH and I can have date night. I work on Fridays and just have time out on Wednesday mornings.
DH's parents have her anytime we ask. I know that they love having her and always say yes when we ask. I think they don't offer as such, as they don't want to step on our toes (not that it would!). Jaymie would stay overnight at the inlaws at least about 8 times a year and they would babysit her probably once every two - three weeks. In September DH and I went to Brazil, Argentina and Uraquay for 12 nights and Jaymie spent half the time with the inlaws and half with my Mum. So, we are very lucky with how much contact Jaymie has with her Grandies, but to be fair I don't think that I would be offended if it wasn't 'offered'. I am a believer in asking if required, but not being upset if they can't do it. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: sottise
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 12:57pm
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My dad works as a consultant from home (15 mins away), and has Amelie for a day most weeks so I can go into the office. If it's longer than a week between sessions, he and his wife will usually drop around for a baby fix.
They've sat on the baby many times (overnight or for a few hours), but we're careful not to overdo it. Even if they do enjoy it so much they claim they're going to kidnap her and keep her... My mother sees her most weekends for a couple of hours, but she lives further away (about 30 mins) and we don't drive so it's a bit of a mission since she has to come here. DH's parents live in the UK so not much action there! Like with LF, the long wait may play a factor in how much they want to see her though. There's 4 of us aged from 28-35 and the first (and until a few months ago, only) grandchild is 15 months old. >.> ------------- 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 1:05pm
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My parents had Jake every Thursday afternoon and overnight then dropped him and picked him up from daycare on fridays and brought him home friday evenings. They'd also see heaps of him over the weekend.
They don't do that anymore though and frankly I'm super-happy about it. Its good to have extended family around but depending on what your parents/PIL are like you can end up feeling completely smothered. I started having a problem when I'd say that Jake was ok or not ok with something and my mum would disagree with me and then do what she thought was best  she'd also take him off me to put him to bed when they were visiting and stuff like that. We still see alot of my parents but have had to put our foot down about some things and take control back.
We're missing our date nights so we'll be asking them to come out to our place and babysit a couple of evenings a month but yeah thats a slightly different perspective on grandparents involvement... -------------   
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 1:07pm
| I would agree with the waiting thing. These girls are the first grandchildren/great-grandchildren in DH's family (and likely to stay that way for a while) and you can tell. They are the 14th/15th grandchildren for my mum and dad though (well, 3rd blood grandchildren for my dad, but 14/15 for mum) but the only ones who are really "around" (the others are in Aussie/Christchurch or grown up - they range in age from 27 down to the girls, with another one on the way in Aussie). |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 1:10pm
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We are in an odd situation where DP's daughter (currently 5) has her maternal grandmother living with her and her mum.
She did so for the first year of her life and continuously after DP's marriage broke up. As such the grandmother does a lot of the child-rearing stuff like picking her up and dropping her off from school and infact spends a few days at school with the kiddo including hand feeding the child lunch on occasion. The grandmother also sleeps in the same bed as DP's daughter. TBH DP is more than a little weirded out by it all and thinks that the kiddo needs some time apart from the grandmother in order to develop her own idenitity. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 1:57pm
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Just my 2 cents worth, I never spent more than a few hours at my grandparents (Dad's parents) my entire life, they died when I was a teenager and lived in the same city. They just weren't interested. Some people aren't.
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 3:15pm
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Sam's dad's parents come once a month (they live over an hour away) and take him for the day, usually 10AM till 5PM or so. They usually just take him visiting family or out somewhere to the zoo and give him lunch. His father takes him for one week out of every five and spends that time at his parents house so they see him for that week too although they both work fulltime.
My mum comes over both days on the weekends usually or at least for one of the days and spends time with us but she also works fulltime and will drop everything to spend time with her boyfriend and will often come over only to leave half an hour later because he is free to do something with her. It bugs me as she doesn't really see Sam as often as she could and she doesn't really offer to have him overnight on the weekends as that is her 'time' to spend relaxing and doing things with her boyfriend. My dad comes over once every couple of months IF I text him or call him, otherwise I would never see him. |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 3:32pm
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None of the grandparents offer to have the girls, but I know that if I ask, they will always be happy to have them. Both grandmothers absolutely cannot wait to have them by themselves, but I'm not happy to do that just yet except for short periods through the day (I seem to be a somewhat possessive Mum LOL).
With DH's parents, they have a thing where they will take them for one weekend per year for us to have some "us" time - their view is that they are our children, and part of having children means that you sacrifice your own time (which I agree with). We will use that "weekend" to go to the Hamilton V8s usually (maybe not next year because the price seems to keep climbing). |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 3:36pm
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We see my parents all the time! We go out to their place every Sun almost without fail, we have missed it once because we were both exhausted even when DD was only 5days old we were at their place lol well actually day 2.3.4.and5 were at mum and dads. Mum and SIL looked after DD when she was 3weeks old so that DP and I could go to Cirque and she hasn't looked after her for very long without me there mainly because we are still bfing and I can't be bothered carrying milk and I don't really have anywhere to go lol. But if we asked because we wanted to go to the movies then mum would take her without thinking. One of the reason we don't ask too often is mum is such a social butterfly she has a better social life then me! We don't expect dad to be able to look after her as he is quite sick, krohns, colitis, blah blah blah so he isn't actually able to really. He doesn't hold DD very often because of being sick and in pain. We don't see DP's parents as they live in Brisbane so no go there! I do like going to mum and dads as mum will change her for me lol, one less nappy for me to change and when she wakes up from a nap she goes to get her. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Blankney94
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 5:19pm
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Gosh guys - lots of replies - and lots of variation! I guess from reading everyone else's experiences, we fall somewhere in the middle. I would LOVE Mum to take Brooke overnight. Hasn't happened yet. I think Mum and Dad put in an all out effort for the first grandchild (my brother's first baby) and then the "novelty" wore off with further grandchildren. My brother has even mentioned that my parents don't spend an equal amount of time on their second son. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 6:52pm
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me personally i wouldnt want my 9 mth old son to stay overnight anywhere, even grandparents.
I could probably count on one hand the amount of times my MIL has had the boys on their own. i dont think she is ready to have the girl yet tho. I think we expect too much from grandparents sometimes though, seeing their grandkids should be a pleasure and something they do cause they want to, not cause the parents need a babysitter. but then again maybe they are waiting for you to ask as opposed to offering (they might not want to get rejected and be unsure that when is too soon for him to have overnighters or away visits). ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 7:03pm
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This is a tricky one... i thought when DS1 was born i would have lots of support and help from my mum , both my paretns are retired. But things don't always turn out like that.!
What about having a chat about it with them? I did this and it worked really well mum even looked after DS1 when he was sick this year. Would never have happened unless i had talked to her about helping out more and being more involved. She just didn't reliese, as i never asked becuase i wanted her to want to spend time with him. Not say yes because i asked.! So now she offers which is excellent, and DS1 spends time with them. This took a while though i missed my good friends wedding reception because mum couldn't look after DS1 he was 9 months at the time. BUT looking back she wasn't ready to take him. maybe that's the case with your parents as baby gets older they may feel more comfortable. -------------  
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 7:17pm
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well we have very involved parents (my side) - we go out there for tea every Sunday (have since Jack was 6 days old) and he goes to bed there for a couple of hours (the kids have their own room there).
Dad usually calls in twice a week because his physio is just down the road so he comes in for a cuppa and a kid fix. Mum then gets jealous so often pops round once in the week on the way home from work. If DH is away, she comes over every 2nd night to help out, or give me a break. She also rings everyday to see how they're going. Mum and Dad offer to take the kids once a month for some us-time, it's not that we're getting out of our responsibilities as parents, but the fact that unless we did that, we could sometimes go months without having any alone time as DH is always away. So for us, its very much the village raising the children scenario, and it has to be because of our way of life. MIL is moving from her home of 20 years to just down the road (eek) so she can be around for the kids. Shes going to look after them twice a week next year while I'm working, and will babysit them if asked. She's been pretty hands-off and I doubt she'll be as willing to look after the kids as my parents because she has very different views. FIL is out of the picture. My grandma even looks after the kids if need be, she pops in once a week to see them usually too. She did shifts in hospital when I had scans (Jack in hospital, pg with Ava). So I count myself very, very lucky. I honestly don't know how I'd cope without that support though, our lives are too disruptive otherwise and they are one of the only constants Jack has (other than me). |
Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 7:55pm
I have to say I agree with this. Personally I think that those of you who have 'hands on' Grandparents are truly lucky. However I shouldn't really have an opinion on this considering that both sets of grandparents for my DDs are in Ireland so have had very limited contact 
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Bizzy wrote:Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 8:04pm
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we are incredibly lucky - my mum helps a lot with the boys - pick ups and babysits - usually she offers and is not shy to say no if she is busy. She has a lot to do with the kids. we go to the market every sunday and then we all go back to her house. And we visit probably every second day. I speak to her everyday. she lveis 10mins away. My nana also sees the boys a lot. she used to have Taine everyday - her idea.
My dad however, lives in wellington. we see him on birthdays, etc, and usually go to stay a week during the holidays. despite being close grandparents, Jake has had two sleepovers at mums (one he had no choice over- i was in hospital with Taine), taine has not slept over there at all. both kids stayed two nights at dads by themselves while we were in gisborne. My in laws live in aus so have not had much to do with the kids - even though they would love to. |
Posted By: Jessica
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 8:49pm
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I also agree with Bizzy, I really want the kids grandparents to enjoy having them and I don't want it to be expected, in saying that we are incredibly lucky with ours.
DH's parents have Lachie every second weekend for 2-3 nights and they love it, he loves it and so do we - we are all winners. He first went there when everything went to cr*p on the farm and mum stayed one night, DHs mum the next so I could be at morning milking but they both couldn't stay the next night so Dh's mum took him home - he had jst turned one - and we have not looked back. He hasn't stayed at my mums but she is happy to look after both of them for an hour or two here and there. Dad sees them all the time here at home but is not the babysitting type. They all live about an hour away but we usually see all of them at least once a week. Dh's mum can't wait until Tessa is old enough to stay as well - and I can't either. She is brilliant with them and totally devoted. We are really lucky and their support has certainly made the last year easier as it has been really full on. ------------- 
Our con-joined boys 20 wk |
Posted By: hannibal
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 9:02pm
| Hi, we live in the SI and both sets of GPs are in the NI - my parents have been to stay a few times but DHs haven't at all. I have mixed feelings when my parents come I love letting them have time with bubs - but generally apart from a night out thats the most time alone they have had. Its not that I don't want to leave her with them - its more that I feel its not that good for me to get used too! If we lived closer it would be different but because its just me, hubby and bubs its hard to let them help more. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 9:17pm
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The kids only have one set of Grandparents (my parents) That they see.
We visit my parents on a saturday night and stay for dinner. Mum and Dad never stop by (we live 10mins away)but we make saturdays our "Catch up" day. They also babysit maybe once every 5 weeks or so and will take both kids for the night. When Janaya was little my parents loved having her. So much that they called me on their holiday away and asked if they could come and get her and take her back to spend the rest of the holiday with them
Now that I have two they aren't so keen 
But they are in their 40's and are still working full time so I dont expect much from them (and they always remind me they want a life too!) |
Posted By: Blankney94
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 10:43pm
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I definitely want Brooke to see more of her grandparents in order to develop that traditional grandparent / grandchild relationship (like I had when I was younger). I notice the role of grandparents is changing these days - away from the traditional role. In fact a lot of grandparents still work fulltime - like mine do. When I need a babysitter, I've got one that I pay for - one afternoon a week. Gives me a bit of a boost and a chance to get things done. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Must just reiterate that some of you are very lucky! Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 29 October 2009 at 8:48am
My mum would be so offended if I got a babysitter without checking with her first. Its funny what a variety of grandparents are out there!!I agree though Sarah the grandparents role is changing. I use to go visit my grandmother and she had minties and made us weak cups of sugary tea and let us watch cartoons on tv  all no-nos at home LOL but my parents take an almost parental role with Jake and I feel like hes missing out on that treat-y aspect. I'd much rather he saw them less often but had a more traditionally grandparent/grandchild relationship (traditional for me anyway) than what we have now.-------------
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 29 October 2009 at 3:36pm
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Jack definitely gets the treats at Granny and Poppas house! Chocolate pudding, jelly beans, ginger kisses (his and poppas fav's!)
I find it hard saying no to my parents - they are still relatively young (48 and 51) and absolutely adore our kids, they can't get enough of them. Mum has begged and begged me to have them again, so I said yes they can have them on Saturday night (as they both work during the week), but mum has insisted on taking them Friday night and we can pick them up Sunday. I know we're very, very lucky in that regard, although I always feel bad for mum giving up her weekends so to speak, but there's nothing she'd rather do apparently, so that's fine by me!
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Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 29 October 2009 at 4:13pm
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My parents work full time, I try and make sure Dad gets to see Hollie once a fortnight, and Mum gets to see her once a week. Mum will occasionally have her overnight.
I live two seconds away from my inlaws, quiet literally. They take Hollie once a week so that we can go to study, and occasionally a little more often if we want to head into Chch to do stuff. Because they live so close they prefer if we ask if we want them, as they're worried about 'crowding us'. They are both incredibly busy individuals and not afraid to say no, and we try to limit how often we ask for help. I am very very lucky  Not that living so close to the inlaws doesn't have it's pitfalls!-------------  http://lilypie.com"> |