Did I do the right thing?
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=29814
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Topic: Did I do the right thing?
Posted By: mamanee
Subject: Did I do the right thing?
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 3:47pm
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When Sam's dad left for Australia, he left in my posession his washing machine/dryer, fridge, freezer and a couch.
The washing machine and dryer were still being paid off. He said I could use them if I paid them off, and then keep them afterwards. I agreed. I paid the amount each week, except for a few times where he said 'Oh I paid two months off the washing machine and dryer so that you don't have to pay them for a while, to help you out'. As it turns out, this was a lie and they were repossessed because I thought he had paid a few times and he hadn't. He then paid them off in full and they were returned to me a few days later. Fast forward nearly a year later (a few weeks ago). He sent me an e-mail saying "I want a clean break, and to have no ties other than Sam". Nevermind the fact that I am with somebody else, very happy and very pregnant and have wanted a clean break for years now. HE has decided it's time to have a clean break because he has 'met someone else' (poor woman doesn't know what she's in for). As you all probably know, he is a nasty, cruel, abusive sociopath/narcissist. The e-mail then goes on to say 'I want all of my stuff back so that I can sell it, if you want to buy it all off me, it will cost you $1000'. Stupidly, I said maybe we could pay it off, because I didn't really want to be without a washing machine or a fridge/freezer with a baby due. He agreed. No money was exchanged, as we were still arranging it. Another e-mail came through, this one saying "I don't want to sell you my stuff, as I don't want you owing me money, so I will be picking it all up on the 15th of November." So of course, EVERYBODY has been saying to me "restraining order, trespass order, posession laws, don't give in, stand up to him". My DP is FUMING, understandably and really wants to let him have it. But he has agreed to say nothing and do nothing because I don't want any tension or aggro between anybody. I can't do it. I want him to come and get his stuff and go away, I don't want to deal with the tantrum from his end and the fact that he would never ever ever in a million years forget about this and would do anything he could to wreak havoc and be a right PITA. So, I am giving him the stuff back. Because, to be honest, it's just stuff. I don't care about stuff. MY sanity is worth SO much more than a washing machine. It really sucks that he has done this a few weeks before I am due, but I know how his mind works and doing it now would be the perfect moment to get me to break or to unsettle me. He will not unsettle me, I have come too far and healed too much to let him take away my sense of peace. I have a washing machine lined up as a loan until we can get our own and my mum has an old fridge freezer and the couch is no big deal, so we are ok ATM. I know most people would have gone down the legal road and I know it is illegal for him to just come and get these things back but I'm thinking long term and being the kind of person that he is, I know that he is desperate for me to 'make a scene', lose my nerve and stand up to him so that he can feel like he can get to me or control me somehow. But the only way for me to deal with him is to show no emotion, no anger, no bitterness, nothing. He gets nothing from me and therefore he goes and gets it from someone else or some other place. Sorry that was rambled, but I feel like I have avoided a HUGE meltdown by just saying 'ok, have your stuff, I don't care'. |
Replies:
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 3:55pm
I am a big believer in doing what is right for you. You know people with personality disorders thrive on conflict and you going down this road avoids your sanity being his drug of choice.
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Posted By: weegee
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:00pm
I think you answered your own question:
Esp when you are so pregnant! Good on you for keeping a cool head about yourself and not letting him get to you 
and I hope this means you see/hear much less of the creep.------------- 
Mum to JJ, 4 July 2008 & Addie, 28 July 2010 |
neeandsam wrote:Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:01pm
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Thanks lemongirl, I weighed up the pros and cons of really sticking it to him and him ending up with nothing and I guess I would have felt good to one up him, but in reality, aggravating him even if he's wrong just makes him worse.
He would have just found a bigger and better way to get at me another time and now he really has nothing to complain about (of course until next time when he finds something else) And entrusting him with MY son for 5 days out of the month means I want as little tension as possible, and on my end of things, there isn't one tiny little thing he has against me. I just hope he is so wrapped up in his new woman and destroying her whole world that all the focus is taken off finding ways to upset me. |
Posted By: Treen
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:03pm
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On the 15th, leave them out the front of the house. No contact, no ties. Like you say, it's just stuff and like Lemongirl says, he'll thrive on it if you kick up a stink.
Good riddance by the sounds of things. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Turtle
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:06pm
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What an a*** he is.
I think you made the right choice. You could spend forever fighting over the items and end up costing yourself more than what they are worth. Now you are clear of him in that respect and can restrict any conversations you have with him about custody each month. |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:09pm
That's a really good idea Treen, we were thinking of sticking it all in the carport and he can do it ALL himself. We aren't going to offer him any help at all. But god help him if he tries to ask for his toaster back because he might just get it flung in his face!! |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:09pm
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i was going to say the same as treen. leave them out the front ...
hi there, by the way!!! theres no waving emoticon!------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Treen
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:14pm
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Absolutely! Let him do it all himself.
I think you've totally made the right decision. He's looking for a reaction from you and if you don't give him one, he might even feel a bit stink for being so petty in the first place. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: palomino
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:22pm
| Yup leave them out the front. I think you have done the right thing. Hes probably gagging for you to get all angry etc. They are just things, and he probably knows the timings pretty sh*t, but you'll be fine. |
Posted By: Febgirl
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:33pm
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As the others have said, leave them out the front for him, and that's that. Think of it this way, a washing machine, fridge freezer and a couch is a pretty small price to pay if it means you don't have to deal with his cr@p anymore (ignoring the child access issues)... ------------- Two little girls under 2! 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:43pm
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Yep, it's really small price to pay to have that all out of the way for me.
I'm thankful that we haven't had any child access issues so far. We arrange his visits a few weeks in advance and he has always brought him back at the right time and I've never stopped him having access so there is nothing for him to complain about in that regard. I will be glad to be rid of his things! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 4:45pm
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Leave them out the front for him to collect, and arrange a time when you aren't going to be there. As you've said its just stuff. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 5:13pm
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Good call. You've definately made the right decision for you.
ETA - I bet your answer has really p!ssed him off though, he would have been expecting quite a different reaction I bet -------------  
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Posted By: ?Lolly?
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 6:07pm
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heh vindictive maybe but I would brake it all first , the guy doesn't deserve for you to be so reasonable about it. But good on you for dealing with it so well. ------------- Captain Chaos (5) & the Trouble Monsters (2!) 
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Posted By: Twinboys2b
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 6:40pm
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Go you!
I completely agree with your resoning. It's better to have the upper hand and be an adult about it all. He's wanting a fight with you and you're mature enough to not give in. I think it shows him that you're so over it all and you'd rather have him out of your life completely than have him lingering in the background if you took the legal route. Not many people choose this route, they choose to be vindictive and 'play the game' because they're not quite over it yet so good on you! Look, you could even go one step further and offer to help but that may mean you need to have 'civil' conversation with him and you never know what's running through his mind, he may be eager to fight with you. Anyway, sounds like the right way to do things! ------------- 3yr old gorgeous ID twin boys. |
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 6:42pm
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If I were in your shoes (and I have been in the past) I'd do the same.
Pack up everything that belongs to him, and let him have them (I dumped everything in the rain in his "mates" driveway and left). PLEASE make sure you keep your self safe - if you haven't given him your address, don't. Leave the stuff out the front of somebody else's house. If he does have your address, make sure you give him a day and a time, and go out ALL DAY, because if he's like the freaks I've known, turning up late or early so he can rock the boat would be just fun. If you can ask a friend (not your DP) to spend the day at your place to witness him collecting the stuff (and get him to sign something saying it has collected and is in good condition) that would be a good idea. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 7:28pm
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That signing thing is a good idea Flutterby.
Well handled Renee I went through a similar thing when I left my ex and never regretted it. Glad your DP is being supportive coz that really helps -------------   
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Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 8:08pm
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Signing for it is a really good idea. Also take some pictures of it all before he collects it, so that you can prove what sort of condition it was in when you handed it over. I think that you are doing the right thing - like you say, at the end of the day its only stuff!!! |
Posted By: Shezzey
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 11:29am
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Gawd he does sound like a creep who is very very bitter and I feel sorry for the woman with him now. I think you have made the right decision so that he doesnt have anything to hold against you and you can move on in your life. I think give him the toaster too... as a snarky message to show him you dont give a sh*t about material possessions and you want him out of your life... |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 12:48pm
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I would tell him he is more than welcome to came & get everything & tell him is will be ready for pick up so he might want to be on time in case it rains.
Also advise him that the IRD will sort out child support payments & that way he can make a clean break from you & he wont get behind in payments..... |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 1:00pm
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I don't think the man has paid ANY child support, well as far as I know anyway.
A while ago he was expecting a huge tax rebate and was really excited about it only for them to take every cent of it towards child support back payments. Good job I thought! I'm waiting for the day he owes them thousands and thousands of dollars in child support payments because he hasn't paid and it really stings him! |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 1:34pm
ha ha about the child support, now he is in the system he will be paying, if you are on a benefit you wont see it, but if you are not then get IRD to sort it out as they will take it from him & give it to you, so you won't miss out, get him where it hurts I say...right in the wallet...one way to get a new fridge etc, lol
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 6:18pm
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i say dump it all on the footpath and tell him if he doesnt pick it up by 10am that day then itl be gone , i went thru all of this too it sux but the best thing was that once it was gone there is NO reason for him to contact you again other than about your son and youl probably feel alot better knowing that you dont have his stuff, i know i did i went to dtr and rented some stuff for a while till i could sort it myself
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 8:06pm
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I agree with everything the others said. Definitely leave it all outside and DONT be there when he collects it. DO take photos and document document document!! Getting him to sign he has collected it would be good too as that way he cant come up with any curve balls later on (when his new girlfriend has wisened up and kicked him to the curb).
I havent been in this situation but I have just been through a crappy tenanting situation and wish to god I had taken PHOTOS!!! It would be even better if you could drop all the stuff off at a neutral location...totally worth the hireage of a trailer...that way you can have your house to yourself. Wash your hands of the bastard......just a bummer you couldnt have set fire to it all....that would probably feel good, I imagine
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 10 November 2009 at 9:08pm
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I don't have much to add , the other ladies have said it already , but I do think that Sam , (and Jamie ) should be very proud of their mum , you're worth a zillion of your ex , and your kids are lucky to have you ------------- 
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