When is your mum coming?
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=29849
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Topic: When is your mum coming?
Posted By: T_Rex
Subject: When is your mum coming?
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:36am
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I'm getting this question at least 3 times a day at the moment, and from people whose opinions I respect. They all seem really surprised when I say "oh, she's not".
My mum is the ultimate baby person (ex LLL breast-feeding support person, mother of 6 etc) BUT she also has very very strong ideas about stuff and I don't agree with them all. Plus I'd really like to figure stuff out for myself without her there telling me to do it her way. (Most people down here haven't met my mum and don't know much/anything about her). DH will have a month off when bubs is born and I can't see how mum will be anything other than an intrusion into our little family at this point. She can come later for a visit, sure, but not for a month to take care of us. She'd drive me up the wall with all her cooing. What am I missing in thinking DH and I can do this ourselves? Everyone looks at me like they know better and that I'm crazy for not inviting her. I'm not expecting it to be a walk in the park, but I do think we can do it ourselves. So, did your mum come to help you? Did you need her? If she didn't, do you wish she had? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Replies:
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:38am
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Nope, nope and nope.. quite simply nope! lol
My mum came to visit in hospital after Daniel was born, she came to visit at home every now and then but that was only to visit not to help. DH had a month off also and it was great for us. DH and Daniel have a great bond because of it. DH also had more appreciation of what my days would b e like once he was at work. You can definitely do it yourselves |
Posted By: Joscia
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:44am
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Same as Stacey. My mum came to visit at hospital, and has been round to our place maybe 5 or 6 times in the 5 months since DS was born.
The ILs went overseas for a holiday for 4 months when DS was 2 weeks old - so they only met him once before they left... DH only took 2 weeks off but we managed to do it all by ourselves. It's not easy, but by no means impossible! |
Posted By: Bexee
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:57am
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I don't think you are crazy - especially if DH is taking a month off! You're right, you two need to work it out by yourselves and you can always call her if you need to.
My mum came down when DS was born for a few day visits but two weeks after he arrived she went overseas for six weeks. I missed having someone to call on, but it worked out okay and we got into the swing of things ourselves. I think it sounds like you've got the right idea. |
Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:58am
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my mum died before i had my son but i wouldnt have help her helping if she was around. i would have been alright with her coming round, having cups of tea and clucking over her brand new grandchild but i dont see what she would need to help with that you and DH couldnt do yourslef? i went shopping the day after i had my son, DH cleaned and cooked the meals, i focused on the baby and keeping up to date with my uni work and that was it. i guess if you have a c-section and DH isnt very helpful then maybe you would need some help but id say when it comes to the crunch the DH could pull finger for a few weeks and you guys would be absolutely fine on your own. ------------- 
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Posted By: Katep
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:58am
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Df and I did EVERYTHING by ourselves. Absolutely no family or friends came for 3 weeks. It was hard, however it was the feeding that was hard and no one can take your baby away to feed except you (well if you are breast feeding).
DF was back at work for about 3-4 hours a day, from the day we got home from hospital and then returend to normal hours once mum arrived at 3 weeks (he wasn't planning on going back but we were expecting dd to come late, not early). I must say it was a relief to have mum here for a week when DD was 3 weeks, and by this point she could take her and entertain her while I got a quick nap- it was great! I got sick of poeople saying (including my mum) that we would need someone there - Well we managed and got through it and I would not have changed it!! |
Posted By: Andriea
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 10:18am
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My mum lives in the flat under our house, my DH will be going back to 10 hour days at work the day after we have the baby so mum is gonna help look after our other children and do things like peel veges, dishes, washing etc. For me in the first couple of weeks I know I wouldnt cope without her, but shes awesome and doesnt interfere etc.
It would be a dif story though if DH was gonna be here. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 10:20am
Thanks  Glad to hear I'm not being ridiculously optimistic.
The only reason DH is home for so long is because of the christmas stats when his office is closed anyway. But he's the sort who is really helpful around the house and is the best support I could think of. The trouble with my mum coming is she lives a full days drive away, so she'd be coming for a while and staying with us full time. I'd be fine with her popping around sometimes if that was a possibility but the thought of her coming for a week or more is way too much for me, especially right at the beginning! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:11am
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My mother was at the hospital and after that she popped in occasionally, and was 'on call' if we needed her, but we were okay for the most part. From within the first few weeks Hollie was staying at mums a night a week though, sometimes with us and eventually without, until she was four months because she had colic, and it helped me cope the rest of the week knowing we'd get the rest on a fri night.
I went home from the hospital as soon as I could, and aside from what I said above prefered not to have the help, we needed to settle into our own routine and way of doing things
Sounds like you've got your head screwed on, you'll be fine! -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:20am
| We never had either mum come and stay, it would drive me barmy. MIL would have loved it if she could have, all the cooing etc she could have done!! In saying that, they are both available if we need them, for any help. Mum has come with me to the doctor for the girls immunisations, she babysat when I had a job interview, and there was a time when I rang her at work with a screaming baby in one arm asking what on earth I could do to stop it...so she has been available but not over-bearing, and I think that's what you need, so you and bubs can get to know each other in your own space. |
Posted By: Angs1982
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:28am
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You might be surprised. I had to have my mum at the birth of my daughter as my husband was overseas. She was a great support.
Then her and MIL took turns coming to stay the night at my place and help out as DH was away 4months. It was great and they were very supportive, of course it depends on the person. All I meant to say is, sometimes people surprise you. Of course if my husband hadn't had to be away then MIL and mum wouldn't have been as involved. But it was a wonderful experience never the less. |
Posted By: jano1
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:29am
| My mother lives in the UK- she came when bubs was 6 weeks but stayed with my sister and visited us daily. She's not really a granmother type IYKWIM but was great support during my pregnancy (via Skype). We did everything ourselves and the in laws dropped food off regularly. It's very do-able |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:35am
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Mmm, I had help and really needed it (and apprecitated it). Mum died before Dan was born so no help there, but I had one sister come up the day we arrived home (last minute offer after our horror birth) and then my other sister flew up two hours after she left! MIL arrived two days aftre sister #2 left. By then I didn't need the help but it was good she could take Dan and I could sleep in after the morning feed. THey all did all the housework and cooking and baby holding when I needed a break.
My DH reacted really badly after Dan was born and wasn't in much of a space to help out. Having my sisters there meant he didn't need to worry about keeping the house running, he could sleep, eat and cuddle Dan as much as he needed and that really helped him. Sisters were much more helpful than MIL cos they've been through it recently and I felt comfortable expressing in front of them or talking with my MW about bleeding etc. We're in a similar boat - we have no family in AUckland and when we see them, it's all or nothing - they stay for days or we don't see them for months. If they were in the same city, it would have been much easier. ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:46am
I think that this depends on the relationship that you have though. My mum was at the birth of the girls (DH has a weak belly and wouldn't come into the operating room) which was great - she's been through it 5 times, although not c-sections, so knew how I was feeling with contractions etc. But when we took the girls home (fair enough, they were 4 weeks old by then) my ILs were at home waiting for us, and they stayed for tea (supplied by someone else) and didn't go home until about 8.30pm. I wanted to go home and get settled in with the girls and be able to sit and take a deep breath, which I just couldn't do. They were there for the next 2 days as well, doing work on the house, when I just wanted space and to get the girls into our own routine and spend time with them by ourselves. So I think that it does hugely depend on your relationship with your mum/MIL and if you actually want them there. |
Angs1982 wrote:Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:58am
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My parents lived round the corner when I had Jake but unless I asked for help I didn't see them. My ex didn't take anytime off work (the only reason he didn't work through Jakes birth was coz it was a Sunday) and continued to leave at 5am and not get home til 10pm so I was pretty much competely by myself. I had to go straight back into keeping the house tidy, cooking, etc and I managed even with a refluxy baby. It was so tough though. I really appreciated the couple of nights my mum did come round when he got an ear infection and I couldn't settle him. Having an extra pair of hands was awesome but your DH will fill that role for you.
This time round DP is taking his 2 weeks off and he'll be at home helping with Jake and doing the house stuff and my MIL will be coming up for a week or so round then too but shes ok with staying at a motel and giving us our space which is awesome of her. Anyway its totally doable and it really is nice having the house and baby just to yourself -------------   
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 11:59am
We ended up with the ILs here a few days after Nat was born - the ILs live in Aussie, but fortunately they were staying with SIL, so we didn't have them 24/7. It was actually a PITA when they were here, because all they seemed to do was sit around and drink coffee  and we had to ask them to help etc.
Like some of the others, my Mum died before Nat was born, but I did have my Aunt (Mum's sister) over, and she was so great doing housework and cooking/baking etc for us. I really wish we had been able to have some more support right after the birth (especially as I only stayed in hospital one night). DH took 2 weeks off, but it was really a case of the blind leading the blind 
One thing that was really great was being able to have MIL just give cuddles/hold Nat after I had fed her, and I could go get a nap without having to worry, especially as DH was often popping out to do errands etc. Do you think your Mum would be offended by not having her there to help? I would suggest that if you do decide to have anyone there as support after, that you be upfront about what you need - someone to do housework, cook dinners etc, and maybe be an extra pair of arms when you need them, but that you need to figure things out for yourself, and don't want her interfering with un-asked-for advice. -------------  
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Posted By: Blankney94
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 12:12pm
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My parents came to visit as soon as Brooke was born, and then visited every few days after she was born, and then it got less and less. I didn't get as much help as I was expecting. The thing I did appreciate though is Mum took Brooke for 2-3 hrs or so, 3 or 4 times to allow me to catch up on sleep when I was at rock bottom. DH took 2-3 weeks off - and yes I definitely needed that! If your Mum is going to visit, I would lay down the ground rules now - a new baby and also the hormones that go with it are not a good time for you to be feeling uncomfy in your own house. Maybe your Mum could help with domestic chores like washing to help free you up for more relaxed time with the baby. I have heard of a lot of women having their baby and their MIL/mother swoops in and tries to take over the baby and it doesn't seem to work, unless you have a really open and strong relationship with that person - you can end up begrudging them. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: skp
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 12:32pm
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My DH took 3 weeks off work and we did pretty much everything ourselves for the first 8 weeks until I hit rock bottom and needed help, my DH works very very long hours he is gone before DD is awake and back when she is in bed for the night.
Now my MIL has DD for 2 hours, twice a week plus my DH has her for one day. I'm working and running a business though so thats not that much help for the amount of work I do. I think MIL and Mums become more handy for babysitting rather than the first few weeks after the birth at least then you are the boss and can tell them the routine etc. My MIL is a ex plunket nurse so you can imagine the debates I have had with her, especially as we are non-vaccinating, baby wearing, homeopathical based, and going to do baby lead weaning! haha ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 12:32pm
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I was ADAMANT that I wanted my mum to basically come and live at my house and help me because I felt overwhelmed and didn't have a very supportive partner at all, and then when Sam arrived and I realised it wasn't so bad after all, I just called if I needed her and she came over every few days to help.
I certainly didn't need her to stay the nights or for weeks at a time like I thought I would. The night times were ok for me as long as I knew someone was coming over for at least a visit during the day to keep me sane or so that I could have a shower/rest/eat something. My DP can't take a lot of time off work as he only recently started working there, and mum has offered to come and stay for a week and having a two year old and a new baby means that I really think I'll need it this time! |
Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 1:08pm
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We imported my Mum for 6 weeks. lol! I was very skeptical about how it would go with her living with us for so long but it was brilliant. The day be brought the girls home from NICU she had dinner waiting on the table for us.
She just stayed in the background and kept meals on the table and the house tidy. She left me and DH figure out what to do with the girls. It did help that she is quite thick skinned and was able to forgive me for being tired and grumpy. 
The day she left DHs parents arrived for 10 days and I hated that. While they did help out around the house, it was obvious they were here to 'visit' , while Mum was here to 'help'. I was so happy after 8 weeks to be at home alone with the girls. |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 1:46pm
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We're away so we planned on importing my Mum for a couple of weeks after my due date - I wanted to have a chance to have a week or so at home with C and DH and for us to get used to being a family. As it turned out C was 2 months early so we did it on our own for almost 12 weeks before Mum came over from Aussie (she couldn't change her flights).
It was blimmin hard work. DH had to take time off work before C was born as I was on bedrest so he didn't have a lot of time left to take when we got home from hospital and I had about 4-5 weeks on my own before Mum actually arrived. It really depends on your relationship with your Mum and what happens after the birth. I understand where you're coming from as I wasn't sure I wanted my Mum there straight away (and I'm still not 100% sure in my mind if it would have been any easier had she actually been there from the beginning). ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: SarahJane
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 2:14pm
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You may know now how you think you and your DH will cope, but you don't know yet what sort of baby you will get! For example, if you get a baby that is a refluxer, if you bubs don't get breastfeeding sorted, if you get sick, if your DH gets sick, if your baby gets sick.... I guess what I am saying is that there is a lot of unknowns involved here, and setting yourself up for "we can do it all without help" can be a bit hard to back down on if it all goes pear-shaped. Perhaps ask your mum to come and say for a week around the 6 week mark, that is when a lot changes as bubs tends not to settle and sleep so easily, and it is a time when your DH is back at work. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 2:35pm
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oh i must come read this all later:) my Mum lives here but we did mostly by ourselves.. she doesn't drive and we had no spare space to sleep anyway.. for the first 6 weeks she came every wednesday which was great.. and this time is planning on taking a bit more time off.. DH doesnt get paid for time off so will prob get a few days at most..
in short no i dont think you are weird!:) its totally up to you adn what suits your family most! ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 2:59pm
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Depends on your mum and how much input she wants and you want too. Everybody has different expectations, some mums love being grandmothers and will help out when ever they can or drop everything to be there. Others have their own lives and things to do.
With DS1 mum and dad came over for visits but not to help or anything, But i went for drives over there if he wouldn't settle. having someone extra to offer a hand or visit so you can have a sleep and they can look after baby is a good idea, this could be a friend or your mum or MIL it is great your mum wants to help even if your opinions differ at least she cares and is interested, a lot of mums aren't. -------------  
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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 7:52pm
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Ugh - I got sick of this question as well! It made me feel as if maybe people thought that we weren't capable of looking after a baby on our own.
No I didn't have my Mum come down. Or anyone else for that matter. And it was AWESOME. Love my parents - they are perfect, they wouldn't have been overbearing and if I had actually needed them then they wouldn't have hesitated to come (even though they live at the other end of the country and were in the middle of calving). But I didn't need them at all. It was great just me, DP and son coming home from the hospital and adjusting to being a family all on our own. But then I am the sort of person who likes to be very independent and do stuff on my own. I also have a very very super supportive DP. I didn't envisage that there would be any problems - and there weren't. For me, being a first time mum and having a newborn was not as hard as people warn it will be (Whenever I say that I feel guilty as if it might come back to bite me on the butt one day....) I am sure you guys will manage just fine. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 8:00pm
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Interesting reading everyone's thoughts. I haven't actually discussed it with my mum yet, its just everyone else assuming that I'll need her thats been making me wonder.
She'd be here in a flash if I asked her, I'm sure of it, but I don't want to ask her "just in case". I'd rather take the approach of "if I'm wrong about being able to cope on our own I'll call her then". StaceyL your post is exactly how I'm feeling. DH and I made this baby, we'll be ok to take care of it. Thanks for all the feedback. I won't be asking her to come and stay just yet. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 8:06pm
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My Mum lives overseas in Ireland (as do all of the family on my side) and I keep getting the question 'when is your Mum coming over' which I hate being asked!
First of all, I miss my Mum terribly and would love her to be here, but it's not a simple drive down the road for her unfortunately! I would love her to be here and she may well come over for a visit but I have every intention of it just being DH and I and I'm ok with that. Of course it would be lovely to have her close by if I needed help, but not having her support makes me feel more confident because I don't have a choice! SarahJane I also get your comment about 'you don't know what kind of baby you will get' and I am hoping we don't have any major problems that we will need a lot of support with, I think about that a lot.. for now all we can do is wait and see ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 8:50pm
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My mum lives in the South Island and she came when dd was 6 weeks for a few days. Dh had 2 weeks off when she was born, we did everythign by ourselves and managed well. DD was a big spiller ands quite unsettles at night for a few weeks, but we got there. Il's were a PITA juts sat there doing nothing and WAKING the baby.
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Posted By: JAFAjaffa
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 9:32pm
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We are having time by ourselves before my parents come (separately). My mum is coming at Christmas and then for about 3-4 weeks. I think by that stage we might have sorted everything and be more comfortable with our routines (or lack thereof!). I just didn't want anyone telling us right from the beginning what we were doing wrong and how we should be doing things - I really want DH and I to figure it out for ourselves.
Mum has also been given the hard word - when she comes she is to HELP and not just sit around holding the baby. That is not helping. Putting out washing is helping. Doing the dishes is helping! My Dad has also been told that he will be learning to change nappies. Not an option to be staying with us and not doing all the tasks that need completing!! We'll see how it goes tho. One thing I am sure of - the in laws are absolutely not welcome since they already think everything I do is wrong. I could not cope if I was tired, sore and had to deal with them! Both sets of parents live in other parts of the country, so it's not like they can just drop in for an afternoon. That would be easier! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: SarahJane
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 7:24am
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Gosh, there is no way I would expect anyone (other than DH) to change nappies! Just shows how different we all are, eh
Edited to fix quotes |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 9:01am
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re the nappies my Dh and I change them and my parents havent yet but i think they should at least once or twice too:) esp my Mum its way better than the cloth nappies(old style) she used to have to change:)
now E is older they only just learnt to do up the car seat and have never changed a nappy so it's good yours are learning early:) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 11:36am
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My FIL has changed one, we lived with them for a week while our mortgage for our new home was sorted. Dad = none, had no reason too. MIL owns a private kindergarten, she can change a nappy! My mum just does...she wanted the opportunity to help and bond ------------- http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 12:06pm
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So funny with parents and in laws and disposble nappies! Of course they never had them in their day so who would guess the picture goes on the front!
Ds1 had some nappies put on backward but they still work! -------------
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Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 12:18pm
I have to say I completely agree with this. All through the first year I heard " Oh I don't know how you manage with twins", "It must be tough with all your family overseas" As much and all as I missed out those convenient babysitters, TBH I enjoyed not having anyone around who would pop in for a quick baby cuddle while I was just about to put them down for a nap. I was able to do what I wanted and able to set the girls routines without having any input from those that thought they knew my daughters better than me
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Posted By: pomikiwi
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 1:45pm
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I'd love my mum to be here to help, but damn stupid immigration wont let her, lol!
SO we basically do everything alone with all my family in the UK and my MIL passed away years ago. My mum has been over every year i've been in NZ (6years) and was here for 4 months after I had Spencer. She's great as she never pressed her views about parenting (or anything really) onto us and will listen to what we're doing and do the same with baby etc. I just wish she was around  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
DD-Carys Amelia 17.03.06 |
Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 2:55pm
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My mum is in Aussie and flew over 2 weeks before my due date.
And Jake arrived via em c-section 4 days later! She stayed with us for 5 weeks and was GREAT! She left us to ourselves and just cooked and cleaned and never interfered. She wouldnt even pick Jake up without asking as she didnt want to confuse him in those"precious early days" as she put it. I dont know what I would have done with out her! DH was greatful too as it meant while I was recovering from surgery he didnt have to come home from work to clean and cook and could just spend time with jake and I. I am so grateful to my mother and very surprised. We were worried about having her in our house as our relationship has been strained for the last few years. We are glad we had her come -------------   
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Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 6:57pm
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my husband is taking 5-6 weeks off work and my dad is coming up to look after Megan when I go into labour but that will only be for a couple of days.
with our first baby while our parents visited us they did not stay (as in over night) there would not have been a lot they could have done as my husband took about 4 weeks off work so he did pretty much every thing ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 12 November 2009 at 8:25pm
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My mum came for a week after Maya was born, and she was brilliant - she left the baby and I to figure things out and just took care of the cooking, washing etc. They live in Oz so it's all or nothing - they either come and stay or we don't get to see them, and I really appreciated having her there.
I'll never forgive my parents for going to Portugal the week before I had the gremlins - the girls spent the first nine weeks of their lives in and out of hospital and I really, really needed my mum just to tell me it was all going to be OK, and she wasn't just 3 hours away in Sydney where she lives, she was on the other side of the world. She knows I'm still angry with her for not supporting me enough when I had the gremlins coz we had a looooot of issues and I really suffered from a lack of practical and emotional support. But we've moved on (mostly ).
When I had lil miss, mum stayed for a week and helped out with the other kids, housework etc. It was great, and really helped me hit the ground running when I brought lil miss home. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 13 November 2009 at 12:34am
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StaceyL has said exactly what I was going to say
We are in Aus and both our parents are in NZ so if we were going to have them it would be all or nothing as well. We love our parents dearly and respect their opinions but pleased we didnt have them stay. My Mum would have been very involved which may have annoyed me as I like things my way and I am very independant and set in my ways. On the flip side, having someone do the laundry, cook dinner or do the vacuuming on the odd occasion would have been a great help but DH and I have managed on our own and we dont know any other way IYKWIM. You will know soon enough when bubs arrives and how your relationship is with your Mum or MIL. Just take each day as it comes. You can definitely manage ------------- Our Angel July 08 Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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