What would you do?
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Topic: What would you do?
Posted By: Snappy
Subject: What would you do?
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 11:36am
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I'm an inhome caregiver, and have a wee 3 year old boy who is deaf that I take care of every day for a few hours.
Over the past 7 months I have been battling with his mother and CYFS, trying to get them to see he is not cared for properly and deserves to be in a better home. They have been involved in his life for quite some time and they were quite aware of the things she was doing, but instead of pulling him out they had things in place to help him, like putting him in with me daily and seeing his grandparents in the weekend etc. I won't go into much detail about all of the things that were happening to him, so to cut a long story short his Mother has up and left him to be with some bloke she met on the internet. He is currently staying with his grandparents. CYFS have asked them to have him permanently and they have said no, so now this boy is going to go into care (once they get some sort of court order to do so) I was speaking to CYFS today and I am in the position where I can have him permanently if I wish to go through all the testing etc. I don't know what to do! I really feel for this little boy and have been fighting for his wellbeing for the past 7 months. I keep thinking about the fact that he really thrived being with me and has gone from not speaking any words, to speaking sentences. I am torn between doing something selfless for this little boy, and turning family upside down to accomodate him. Our family will go from 4 to 5, we'll need a bigger car, the kids will have a new "brother", it will really affect our lives in a big way and will not be an easy road. There will be lawyers and court cases, not to mention his special needs as he is deaf and is so far behind in his development he will need a lot of help. All of these things DH says is not "worth" the hassle and stress, which is completely understandable. DH is still thinking about it, and I said I would come on here and see if anyone had any advice for us. I am really naive and don't think about things before I do them... all I know is that I want to help this little boy, but I realise I may not be thinking very clearly and perhaps I should just be happy he will be in a better home than where he was. I just feel for him because I am the only one he "knows" that is in the position to take him. What would you do? |
Replies:
Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 11:42am
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That is a really big decision.
Personally if it was me I would probably take him in, but I'm a big believer in fate so?? I guess you need to think about how much the inconvenience will affect your life vs how much it will change his life for the better? Good luck & for what it's worth I think even the caring for him you have been doing makes you a special person. 
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 11:45am
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Wow! You have such a big heart for even considering this option.
I don't know what to do either? If you choose to take him it will be hard, really, really hard. But it also has the potential to be really rewarding as well. |
Posted By: RBsMama
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 11:45am
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I honestly don't know what I'd do, but I didn't want to read and run. I think that he's a very lucky little boy to have you in his corner and I'm sure whatever decision you and your DH make, will be the right one.
Hugs 
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Posted By: grrrgrrrr
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 11:47am
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Hmm it is a difficult one, I know my partner woudl be like your partner.
Do you feel that he coudl be a part of your family, coudl you treat him the same way you treat your biological children? I think if you coudl treat them as siblings and make no ditinctive difference and of course allowing your biological chldren some time to adjust then I would say yes. You sound like a loving mum and that is what he will need. Can you cope with this financially? Is there extra help you can get? Will CYFS be supportive? ------------- Mattias 2yo Henrik almost 1 |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 11:59am
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Could you foster him and then decide? It is a huge decision and I would only go through with it if your DH is sure that he wants to. It could end up being a problem between you if he ends up feeling like you pushed him into it.
I think you are amazing for even considering it! |
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 12:00pm
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I love that you care this much!
My DP would probably say no. And if he did I'd have to accept that, I think part of being a non-bio child in a family unit is for it to work, everybody has to be able to enjoy it. I grew up in a family where a lot of the relations are adopted (cousins, uncles etc) and the love we all have for each other is amazing - family is family not because of blood, but because everybody welcomes them with open arms and open hearts. If your DH says yes - do it!! You already have a place in your heart for this child, a place in your home is only logical. Yes it will be hard, but anything good takes a bit of hard work. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 12:04pm
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Wow, this is a huge decision and I'm sure you'll do whatever is right for you and your family. To give you a different perspective I love my brother and sister that my parents fostered when I was 9. They were 1yo and 9yo and came from a very messed up background. I can't imagine my family without them. Sofia, I'm not sure how it works now but in the 80s/90s CYFS provided regular financial support for the upkeep of each child and a quarterly clothing allowance. ETA: If I was in the same situation I would do it, DH would probably take some convincing but I would do it in a flash. -------------  
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 12:26pm
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DH is more concerned about the fact that our own kids might "suffer" from it. He says one will have to share a room with him, and we won't have as much money etc. And that we need to put them first before the wee boy.
He still isn't sure about it, I don't want to take him on if he isn't keen as I know he will resent the little boy for it. I know I can treat him as my own, I keep thinking about the fact that he will be at family events, Christmas etc, and wonder if he will be accepted by everyone else in the family as well... *Edited to add, we will get assistance which covers clothing allowance and board. But we will need to get a bigger car .* |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 12:54pm
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I would only do it if you have the commitment and support of DH, and I can see his points regarding the welfare of your own children. Do you feel strongly enough that you want to raise this boy till he's 18 its a huge commitment, personally I couldn't do it. Have you offered to foster him as it seems you are already providing him with a lot. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 12:55pm
i guess you would need to consider the heart break side of if it too. i mean what if the mother decided a year or two down the track that she wants him back... how will you and the family cope with that. (and even tho she has abandoned him now once she realises she was better off finanically she might reconsider - selfish people are like that  ).
the financial aspect and the expanding of the family is pretty much the same things you would need to consider if having a child of your own anyway. so the emotional side would be the biggest deciding factor to me. what a hard decision to made... and wow to you to even thinking about it!  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 12:58pm
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I agree that the important thing is that you will need the backing of your DH behind you. If he decides he can commit to it then, if I was in your position, I would go for it in a heartbeat. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 1:14pm
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I would say yes, but then again, Im the girl that bought home every stray animal she found and when we bought a puppy I had to have the one that had an anomaly because I was convinced no one else would take her.
However .. if i didnt have the support of DH, I couldnt do it, only because I would hate to know that DH didnt "love" my new child as much as our others and it would tear my heart out! You are such an amazing woman ..  ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 1:19pm
| With regards to extended family accepting him it very much depends on the people and circumstance. My parents and my mother's side of the family consider DP's daughter to be 'part of the whanu' and spoil her something chronic. However they have no bio grand-kiddies to spoil. |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 1:33pm
Well I just spoke to my Mum and she said "Whatever you decide to do, you know me and your father will accept him as part of the family and treat as one of our own" 
My Mum is very much like me though, she said she would have taken him herself had she not been so old. I wish we could take him for a wee while just to see how we get on, but from what I understand CYFS want him to stay "put" so that he doesn't have too much messing around. I've just left a message for them to call me so I can find out some more info, so me and DH can chat this evening about it. I don't think I can cope with the emotional side of it, watching the way his mother treated him and not being able to do anything about it consumed me. I got so wound up and if it turns out she came back into his life and took him back it would probably tear me apart. But all this time I have coped with the fact that at least that little time with me every day was enough stimulation and happiness for him and I was doing something good...so I guess it would be another thing to think about. |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 1:38pm
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I am going to post my views with out an emotional attachment.
1- what ever is best for the child. He sounds like he has had a sh*t life so far, & deserves much better. Now that may be in a family where he is the youngest or only child, maybe in a home that has a hearing impaired factor. 2-Don't make your decision out of guilt or sadness for the child. 3- Your marriage has to be rock solid or this will add pressure & stress. Your DH has concerns & think that pretty much gives you an idea of what way thing will go. 4-You have to work out how much another child in the family will change things for you & your children. We are a family of 5 & have 3 kids so the balance is off for a lot of things. It means juggling morning & afternoon kindy, never having time for me, finding baby sitters for 3 kids, going away, cost of things. It can be harder to do things when going out & you need several pairs of hands. My 2 youngest are in the fighting stage so I am for ever playing referee, & feel quite stressed at the moment, all come right with age. so that should not put you off. Other things to think about is clubs, sports, swimming lessons the kids may want to do, they are not cheap & you have to factor 3 kids in, time is often lacking. I think you are a wonderful person, I have read some of your posts over this little boys, really heart breaking. This is such an important decision one that you really have to consider all aspects as if you decide to do it it will change your life in a major way & you need to be prepared for it, to give him a good life your family must be stable as this could pull it apart. Good luck, you have a tough decision to make so make the right one for your family, & I am sure the child will be in a loving family soon. |
Posted By: flakesitchyfeet
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 2:00pm
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You are amazing.
I agree with everything jazzy said. I don't know how old your children are? But I'd talk it over with them too. Assuming you guys are in the right circumstances, on the remotional side ~ Adding to a family, no matter how you do it, is generally a whole lot more positive then wondering what if? I have the worlds greatest mother in law who has had hundreds of foster kids through her home with varying degrees of disability and/or upbringing. I'm sure she'd be happy to respond to an email with any concerns if you want other foster/adoptive parents to chat to. 
edited to add: All IMHO - but I think finances are Huuuuuuuge! You need to be super secure and comfortable, so that no financial issues are going to be put on his shoulders on the future, if that makes sense. -------------  http://lilypie.com"> |
Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 2:30pm
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I think you're amazing for even thinking about it.
I would like to think that if I were in the same position I would do the same. But only if I had the complete support from my DH, which I would like to think he would be. I can understand why your DH has the concerns he has. Can you include your DD in the discussion to see what her thoughts are on it? |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 3:00pm
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Oh wow, I'm with the others who have said you are an amazing woman to even consider this.
I am the same as you, my heart would be saying to just do it. I think my DH would have similar concerns and I think you guys have a LOT of talking to do (to each other and to people in the know). One of my extended family members fostered a number of children while her own kids were growing up. She was another amazing woman and her own kids got a lot out of it too. It's awesome that your parents are behind you if you decide to take this wee boy on. Good luck x ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: kandk
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 9:45pm
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Has your Dh had much to do with him? Maybe he needs to spend time with him to be sure he knows him well? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 04 December 2009 at 7:43am
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I would so love to do fostering which you are obviously considering ------------- susie |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 04 December 2009 at 8:06am
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Gee, what an awesome lady you are
I can't really add much to what others have said. I can understand that no matter what you decide will be tough, so I'm really thrilled you have a massive amount of support behind you
Best of luck! ------------- 
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Posted By: Blankney94
Date Posted: 04 December 2009 at 12:32pm
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I think you are amazing, just that you are considering taking this wee man into your family. My heart breaks to think what treatment he is getting at the hands of his own family. Is there an option to foster, or to take on care in a gradual way. I agree with previous posters, you will need the support of your partner. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 04 December 2009 at 2:21pm
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Thank you all, the comments have been really helpful, particularly the ones about DH having to be 100% there with me.
Unfortunately he isn't, so I'm not going to push him. I forget that its me who sees the wee boy every day, not him, so he wouldn't have the same feelings I have towards him. We were given the option of even having him just for a week (next week) until they found him permanent care. They felt it would be less stressful for the boy considering he sleeps here for his naps and knows me very well. DH says we don't have a big enough car and we can't afford to go out and buy a bigger one, all for the sake of the wee boy. Which is fair enough. Another stink thing is that as of next week I have no job They won't need me anymore as he will be getting stimulation and language from his new home...
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Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 04 December 2009 at 3:17pm
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Kaiz, I'm sorry that you won't be taking him on, but he will be going to a new and loving home and that is what you wanted for him, it just isn't you providing it.
You are clearly an amazing woman. |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 04 December 2009 at 3:23pm
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ditto what the others have said.
From a professional point of view I say offer respite care but not placement - DH not being on board would be my reason for this! the child needs permanacy not a temp solution and believe it or not there are MANY people out there who would care for him. Unfortunately the CYFs system is set up whanau hapu iwi and if there are close family they have first option - but if no options there then they will look elsewhere...and that is where approved caregivers or foster families step in and his disabilities wont matter to them - esp if they have longed for a child....and there are so many of them out there! if he is placed permanantly with you that is it...youre his parents...I dont read that DH is into that yet or at all....and you hve 4 other kids to consider and your own relationship with DH. Maybe temp placement or respite at your home would be a solution for now..../ all the best and what a terrible time for the poor boy to have noone to love him! |