in laws
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Topic: in laws
Posted By: lizzle
Subject: in laws
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 9:37am
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it's the day for starting threads i think.
Anyway, about three years ago,I and the in laws (well mainly the sis in law) had a big falling out. Now I wrote about that on Ohbaby and everyone agreed I was right and she was wrong.  . we've moved on and everything is okay, BUT I find myself overally sensitive when they are around.
now M IL and FIL are lovely lovely people, but whenever MIL in particular does anything, I feel myslef bristling. she hangs out the washing and I interpret that as "I can't believe I have to do this - you are so lazy" - in fact, anything she does cleaning-wsie, I interpret as this. I also am well aware this is MY problem - not hers. She genuinely doesn't think the way I think she is thinking. and what is weird is I KNOW THIS. She loves to help, but I hate her doing it. So my question is this - how can i get over myslef? They arrive on wednesday for over a week, and i know they will drive insane if I let them. |
Replies:
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 9:46am
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Oh man I had three weeks of this when my IL's last came over, this time they are staying at a bach cos 'we don't have enough room' hehe.
Sorry not much help, my MIL made my blood boil just by being generally helpful (and she hasn't got a mean bone in her body so she was just being helpful). For some reason, and totally my issue, everything she did wound me up beyond believe. My one coping strategy was to take the dogs out for a walk by myself. Not any help, but I feel your pain ------------- 
 
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Posted By: gypsynita
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:11am
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lol - i think it must just be a MIL thing! I'm sure they're all out to get us!!
Mine does the same - any little comment she makes I read something insulting into. ------------- Anita Mum to Cian (Aug 08), Josh (Jun 10) http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:18am
| Ditto here...she just annoys me, even though she is the most loveliest woman on earth!! Not helped by her calling them "her" daughters on a number of occasions (which in my infinite wisdom, I take as belittling the effort I have put in). |
Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:18am
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I can also understand. I used to hate it when my MIL used to help out around the house and took it as a criticism of me. Though also like you I know that she is only doing it to be helpful as she is a really lovely person.
I can handle it better these days as I am just really grateful for any help anyone gives me/us. If anything I may be a little embarrassed to show that I can't do everything (I've always had a problem with asking and accepting help). Anyway I guess I just kept telling myself that she is only doing it because she cares about us and wants to be helpful and eventually I started to accept it - I have to say that it was pretty cool to come home one day a couple of weeks ago to find that she had mowed our lawns for us  ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:34am
I can so relate! I've got one family member who, for some reason, I always worried about when DH and I were going out - I felt she thought I was a bit immature (and to be fair, she probably had reasons for thinking so, I was only 17 or so when DH and I started going out, most 17-year-olds aren't completely grown-up!) So when we got married a bit later in life (I was 21), even though I really do know that her opinions of me have changed (surprise, surprise, probably as I've matured over the years  ) I still feel like I've go to prove myself to her.
So now I'm 26, and every time she mentions a decision I've made (perfectly innocent stuff - like 'why did you chose to put a heatpump in over a fire?') I feel I've got to prove I made an adult, mature decision. And if I did actually just make an impulse purchase or something, I start off trying to justify it. So to summarise, it's all in my head too! She's a lovely person, and I react completely unnecessarily to things she says. I've been training myself to just ignore the feelings that first come to mind, and force myself to acknowledge what she really means, and it works quite well a lot of the time. -------------   
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:45am
I love MIL threads 
Hey...flip side...mine would sit on her arse while I ran around after everyone. And then my Mum would come & help out & I hate it!! I guess that is cause she only visits for 5 mins! I think what annoys me is she doesn't ask she just does. My theory is, if you are staying with someone, do your fair share! If you notice they've put on the washing, ask would you like me to hang it out. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:46am
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Oh that didnt' really help did it LOL
Maybe beat her to the crunch & ask her to do something you know she might be about to do? Or if the washing is ready, divert her to do something with the boys so that you can hang it out? ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 10:53am
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Been there heaps, I get on really well with my IL, but there have been times when things have not been so smooth.
As they say..don't sweat the small stuff, so not worth it. Let her help out, have a few jobs or things in mind when she offers or buts in...like how about making us a cup of tea or doing something with the kids, etc. Try not to take offense to her doing things, she probably feels in the way or want to contribute or maybe even impress you, she may want to feel more like family than a visitor. I used to be anal about the way I like things done, but now I am not so, I get the kids to do things & DH, & it is not the way I do things, but who really cares. Get a routine set up for when they come to stay, so you don't have to entertain them every second & you have time away otherwise it will do your head in. Keep reminding yourself it is only for a few days & enjoy the xmas as a family. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 11:13am
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I guess look at it the other way around....if you were going to stay with someone wouldn't you want to do some little chores for them to help out?? ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 12:12pm
| Grr don't even get me started on my MIL! I see her EVERY DAY pretty much and its driving me crazy. She just comes over and revs the kids up, sits on her ass then leaves a couple of hours later. (and expects us to sit on our asses while she's here so the house is a shambles, we don't eat til about 8 (she doesn't eat so always come over at tea time) and the kids get bathed in the morning by me because we never have time once she's gone) |
Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 12:24pm
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Oh gawd, mine is exactly the same but at least she lives in the UK so I only have to put up with her once in a while.
Last time the inlaws stayed MIL made our bed and folded our washing and took over my kitchen! I was so furious but basically bit my tongue leaving DH to keep telling her to "sit down". I'm 33 and don't want my MIL to fold my undies!!!! Why on earth would she think that I wanted her to???????? |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 12:49pm
Mine does this as well! Does my fricken head it and I bristle as soon as she says it which is usually 5 mins after walking in the door! My IL's do my head in and I can't think of anything worse then spending time with them but do as its important to DH. I do matyr myself though and tend to keep the kids close to me etc which is the total wrong way fo going about things and very immature. My MIL is already taling about taking "my boys" away for a week each school holidays..hmmm, think not as DH is a teacher and would prob like to see his kids in the holidays and why would I want soemone to take my kids for a whole week. 2-3 days yes. -------------  
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minik8e wrote:Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 1:29pm
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I consider myself pretty lucky then that I get on great with my MIL and we don't really clash, I lived with them for 4 months and we got on fine. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 3:59pm
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Just think that one day all of us will be in laws lol. Will our kids talk about us in the same way??
My MIL is cool. She is very aware of not offending us, especially me. She keeps her nose out. Will ask if we want her opinion before expressing it. She follows what we want to do and rather than her being here with Daniel she has him at her house. |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 4:23pm
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lol at the folding your undies, I think thats going a bit far.
Before dd was born mil made all the promises of help cand offered to clean/cook etc. my parents don't live in Auckland so I was stoked. Alas they were all empty promises and she never did a thing. She came over a few times and woke the baby, told me I was doing everything "wrong" and would leave . She is totally insensitive ( so are all dh family  )
I really hate when they call your children "my "babies . Makes me so MAD Anyone with a cleaning/helpful MIL send her my way please
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 4:30pm
That's always been my way of thinking as well, and Mum always expected me to help out where ever I went. But I have noticed that Dh doesn't do hardly anything when he goes home, he doesn't even do the dishes  I don't know if its cause he's their only child or cause he's a boy or both.
After all we're staying with family not in a hotel! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 4:39pm
My MIL is actually pretty great but it seems I'm in the minority. I  my FIL
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Posted By: X
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 4:47pm
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Ooh I have a good MIL story from the weekend!
Normally MIL & I get on pretty well. We had a bit of a rocky start (DH's family is staunch catholic & we'ren't terribly happy when he brought little old me home wearing doc martins, fishnet stockings & piercings galore. I think they thought he'd meet a nice catholic girl at mass-which incidently he wasn't even attending anymore when I met him.) Anyway, in time I have grown into an "acceptable young woman" & they've learnt to accept me. Having DS gave me MASSIVE brownie points-if I had known all I had to do to gain acceptance was have a baby I could've done that ages ago . Anyway, MIL & I now get on just fine. She lives in Johanesburg with the rest of our families, which helps. Last week DH's family all wanted to know what names we were thinking of for the new baby. DH didn't want to tell them because he was worried they would criticise all our choices, but I told him he was being silly & we should share our names so they would feel involved. So we sent an email telling them how I really love Scarlett, we both like Sienna (although we worry it's a bit common) & giving a few other names we kind of like. As DH expected his sister emailed back criticising most of the names & giving reasons (some of which were just silly). Anyway, that wasn't the problem. On sunday night DH rang his mum & she told him straight off that she HATES the name Scarlett & we better not call our poor child by that name, & in fact even if we do call her Scarlett she will NEVER call her that. She says she is going to call her Chloe Catherine, no matter what we call her.  WTF? I was so offended. It has nothing to do with her what name we decide on & I think it's very rude to say the things she did. She had a chance to name her babies & now it's our turn.
Now I am more convinced than ever that we are going to call her Scarlett. Just to annoy MIL. I will have to find a way to convince DH. He thought his mum was being a right cow too (but he thinks I am just trying to get my way to use my name by bringing his mum into it...which is true hee hee hee ) MIL's-can't live with them, can't shoot them ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 5:28pm
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What's Chloe Catherine got to do with Scarlett? I love Scarlett - I think Scarlett Johanssen is beautiful. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 6:58pm
i cope with my inlaws by drinking! 
any functions at their place hubby is always the sober driver... i do it hard when pregnant! anyway liz if her doing housework drives you bonkers make sure you do it first! or jump the gun and ask her before she does on her own accord. thats all i can offer in the way of help... my MIL would never clean my house. and i wouldnt clean hers. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 8:46pm
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do it first? Oh Deb!
When we stay there I always help out so I guess I will try and remember that. it would be easier if she was a total cow cause i could be bolshy back - but she is really just so lovely. Just leave my kitchen alone lady and don't rearrange things! |
Posted By: X
Date Posted: 18 December 2009 at 9:44pm
Nothing...it's just the name that MIL has decided is perfect for my child & that she is determined to call her whether I like it or not. Silly cow. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 19 December 2009 at 9:09am
maybe when she annoys you you should read this thread and the others about bad MIL's and you wont feel so bad...  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 19 December 2009 at 2:03pm
| good idea! |
Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 19 December 2009 at 2:48pm
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It may be a pain but she isn't being nasty and it could be a whole lot worse.
I would love to have a mum or mil who would do stuff for me! I say enjoy it ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 19 December 2009 at 5:33pm
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[QUOTE=Bizzy] i cope with my inlaws by drinking!
Same! Although a little bit difficult at breakfast time -------------
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 19 December 2009 at 7:21pm
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odettenz - that is just bizarre naming your daughter for you. Yeah i'd pi** her off by naming her Scarlett too!
My mil is fine - my only gripe is that i thought she would come over occasionally to see her grandson, but only ever comes when we have a function like a birthday or whole family bbq. Could have used some help in the early days with a baby. I'm sure i won't see her this time either. My mum is the one that drives me up the wall tbh. Luckily she lives in Aus so i only see her once a year and man it's hard to handle a week of her living with us. I just find her to be the most annoying human being ever! Deep unresolved issues there or what! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 20 December 2009 at 7:59am
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Odette, my SIL called her first child by the name she chose, cause she didn't call him by the name MIL chose, MIL never bothered with him & then had the cheek to bollocks me about when he had a baby & she didnt' get told about it! She had no hope in hell of having a chance at even suggesting our kids names!
I've found out that my MIL is coming down in Feb. Hopefully she'll only stay a few days. Liz...re arranging...feel for you on that one! When we put our new kitchen in I wanted to go through everything & sort out the crap & only keep what I'll need. My Mum tried each time when she came around to put stuff away for me ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |