Would appreciate some advice please.
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=30624
Printed Date: 13 June 2025 at 5:28am
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Topic: Would appreciate some advice please.
Posted By: Jacindarella
Subject: Would appreciate some advice please.
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 11:20am
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Hi All,
Well, its been a pretty tough week! I was in hospital with Hyperemesis for 3 days last week and got home on Sunday, I found out on monday that my baby didn't have a heart beat (11.5 weeks), I went in for a D&C yesterday  I had been very sick for the last 8 weeks, I have lost over 12kgs and was only 55kgs to start with so I'm feeling very weak and I'm really not coping well with my loss.
Anyway, what I would love some advice with is.. My Sister in law is pregnant (almost 2 months further along than I was) and the whole family had planned to go on Holiday for a few days on Christmas day.. not only will my sister inlaw be there but people I haven't met before and my partners aunt who is a midwife... I really can't face it! I don't want to be starring at my sister inlaws bump all that time and listing to all the talk about birth and pregnancy.. The problem is, my mother in law does not understand! She says we need a break - she can't see that it won't be a break for me, I will be spending the whole time trying to keep it together! She is really putting the pressure on my partner! My partner has been very good, but he really wants to go and shes starting to get to him. I have said for him to go, but he won't leave me. I really don't want to cause any problems in the family! Am I being selfish? I hope you can understand my rambling. |
Replies:
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 11:23am
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Oh Hun, I am so sorry!!
You arent being selfish at all! Can your partner book time away for just the two of you? That way she'll keep quiet about you getting a break and you wont have to spend the holiday avoiding baby talk and your SIL's bump. (((HUGS))) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 11:28am
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Hi AzzaNZ,
I think my MIL really just wants the family together for Christmas - The whole family is very big on Christmas and it will be the first time my partner hasn't spent it with them. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 11:29am
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sorry, I forgot to take my signature of my last post!
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 12:05pm
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Could he go and you go and stay with your family? that way you aren't alone and they still get their big family christmas.
I don't think you are being selfish either, it has just happened and the last thing you need is to be stuck around a pregnant women and a midwife. Would be different if it was just a few hours but for a holiday, no, that is too much. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 3:16pm
| Jacindarella, what a tough situation. I would not have coped with a big family get together after my d&c, there was too much shock and grief, I needed to lots of privacy for long and loud crying sessions. I can see how you are going to feel pressured and miserable though! So I will just say: try to do the best thing for your mental health and well being that you can, and do be as firm as you can. I'm sure your partner is great and supportive and sad too, but in the end these things have not gone on in his body the way they have in yours. And whatever situation you find yourself in I hope you can take some comfort from knowing there's a whole bunch of women here who understand something of how you feel, and are wishing you some Christmas peace despite everything. |
Posted By: Mamma2N
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 3:26pm
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry 
Definetly not being selfish at all! I found that after our miscarriage I just wanted to hide away in our bedroom and cry my heart out till I had no more tears left. I also wanted my DH to be there with me. I think unfortunetly some people don't understand how terribly upsetting a miscarriage is and your overwhelming sense of loss. I found that my family/DH's family were wonderful but friends didn't really get it. DH didn't really either, I guess because he wasn't so connected to baby yet. Look after yourself, think of yourself, because you have experienced a loss. If you don't feel you are up to it, explain this to your partner, but don't for a second feel like you have to explain yourself to anybody else.
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Posted By: littlestar
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 3:30pm
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Oh hun - you are not being at all selfish!! You have only just had your DnC for goodness sake.
You have to focus on keeping yourself well and I certainly don't think this in-law holiday sounds like it would help at all in that department. I had my mc just before last xmas and it seriously sucks any 'fun' out of the day. I barely held it together as it was but to be around another preggy person and have to deal with all the baby talk would have been too much (although if my mum said 'its natures way' one more time there might have been meltdown anyway) I am worried about you spending the day on your own though - you need as much love and support as you can get at the moment, does your partner have to go or do you have someone else to spend the day with? Perhaps a good 'out' might be to discuss the situation with your gp and get them to advise you not to go - would give your partner a bullet proof response to his mum We are all here for you - pop on here anytime you need anyone to rant/ramble/cry to
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 7:42pm
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Everyone else has said it and I agree with them all. No way are you being selfish. I lost my first baby the week before Christmas and the last thing I wanted to do was "celebrate" anything. And I had a close friend who was there all day who was a month ahead of me. I survived the day but it was very painful and there is no way I would have held it together for any longer. You need to grieve, cry and get over this physically and mentally. Some people do this with other people around and some need alone time. Do it your way. I found that everyone thought I was coping because I refused to cry in front of people - maybe if you had a massive cry in front of your partner or on the phone they'd realise that you're not as together as you seem (I've put that badly, it's not meant to be manipulative but I really mean that it might be a way of letting them know you're not okay yet).
It's so sad you had to go through this. Treat yourself well. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 23 December 2009 at 8:02pm
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oh jacinda, Im so sorry you have to go through this bit. I agree that you have to make some noise hun, this is so important to you and your well being and your healing, and you need to do whats right for you.
All the best sweet, I hope the new year brings you the best of everything including a new reason to smile xx Take care ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: littlestar
Date Posted: 26 December 2009 at 3:47pm
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hugs!!
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Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 26 December 2009 at 4:56pm
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Thank you all so much for advice, support and hugs!
I managed to get out of going up north! I met with my Mother in law on Christmas eve and she could see how upset I was ( I let myself cry infront of her, which I wouldn't usually do) , later when she rung she had totally changed her tune and said she understood that I couldn't go. So thank you all so so much! I wouldn't have had the courage to do that without your advice! I hope you've all had a great Christmas! 
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