Feeling forgotten.
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Topic: Feeling forgotten.
Posted By: mamanee
Subject: Feeling forgotten.
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:28pm
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I am feeling forgotten by my family and even sometimes my partner! Since I had Jamie, they all just carried with their normal lives, working and socialising and seem to have forgotten that a)I've had surgery and b) I have a newborn baby and a two year old! I am grateful for my mum to have been here with Sam the week I was in hospital, but as soon as I came home she took that to mean she wasn't needed and would only come over when my DP was at work because clearly if he was at home, I didn't need the help. Now because my DP only started his job recently, he wasn't able to take a lot of time off to be at home with me.
Mum had two weeks off at Christmas and spent barely any time here, and then spent a week in Whitianga with her boyfriend and even spent new years with him and HIS grandkids. My DP had to work all of these days bar New Years day, and she told me she was only going for a day! Then when I tried to get hold of her she fobbed me off and said "Oh I'll text you later". Then when she got back she went on and on about what a wonderful break SHE had. Now she has returned to work, so no help much from her. Now my DP has taken two whole weekends off to go to a stag do and a wedding in Auckland, which means more time at home by myself with two kids. He's also started to do a few late nights at work and didn't even ask me how I felt about it, so even though he starts a bit later in the morning, he comes home well after the witching hour has ended, dinner, bath and bed is all done. Yesterday Sam threw a huge tantrum and lay on the kitchen floor screaming, Jamie screamed wanting to be fed, I had stuff on the stove burning and I actually didn't know what to do with myself. Don't even get me started on my father who has been to see me twice since I had Jamie and is going to live and work in Scotland for two years. I know other people can do this and cope just fine but I just don't think people understand how bloody hard it is with a newborn baby, on top of having a c-section, a full on toddler and Jamie has colic too! Sorry for the big whinge, but I have been begging for help and nothing has changed. Mum is going through menopause, is worried about my nana, has my depressed and unemployed brother sponging off her and doesn't seem to have time for me and although my DP is good and does a lot of the housework, he's just not here enough and it seems like he cuddles the baby, falls asleep on the couch and that's it! And, I am so run down I have a really chesty cough, can hardly breathe, lost my voice and poor Sam is bearing the brunt of it all as he is still adjusting to having a baby in the house and him going away with his grandparents and dad lots over Christmas has mucked up his routine. In the few days after he comes home he is beside himself with overtiredness, won't go to sleep at night or during the day and it really wears me out. Do I keep asking my mum and my partner for help, or do I just struggle on? I know it feels much worse because I'm sick, and once Jamie gets a bit older he will sleep longer which means I won't be so sleep deprived, but I just feel like I'm just expected to be ok and carry on all by myself. |
Replies:
Posted By: X
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:36pm
I don't have any solutions but I just wanted to send you a VERY big hug  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:39pm
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Likewise I'm no help - but big hugs... ETA - I assume you have actually told your Mum in basic English that you want/need some help? My Mum is great, but would be the first to admit that she needs/wants to be asked. I've found it hard to do, but it's getting easier. And...do you have someone else who might be able to help - an aunt/cousin/friend? even someone from a Plunket group type of thing? You could trade 'helping' days - so when you're feeling more on top of things you can help them??? ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:44pm
definately ask for help hun!!! youl only feel worse if you struggle on and it may turn into PND
huge hugs hun!!!
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:55pm
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Do you have any friends with kids the same age as Sam? We have no family out here and my DH had a nervous breakdown at the time Kyle was born so although he was off work he was next to useless cos he wasn't well himself. My friends would come pick Spencer up for playdates and it helped so so much. I also found, which might not be possible as you've had a c/s, that going back out to things like playgroup, coffee group and so on really helped cos it kept Spencer in his routine and it also wore him out which meant he would either have a sleep or some quiet time in the afternoon to give me a break from dealing with two at once.
My Dh does shifts so things I found that helped once he was back at work were to have dinner at lunch time and then toast and fruit and snacky stuff at dinner time that way you all get a good meal, it's just in the middle of the day when things always seem a bit easier to cope with. If I had no where to go (or couldn't be bothered leaving the house) then I would do the bath in the morning, kept Spencer occupied for a while which is always a good thing and one less thing to worry about during that horrid early evening time. When I am knackered and over it all Spencer spends a lot of time in timeout cos I lose it at every little thing. I have spoken to other friends about this and they have done the same with their toddlers through pregnancy tiredness and now newborn tiredness. It sucks and none of us like turning in to the evil mummy monster but YOU are not a bad person because of it and we all do it, we can't and aren't perfect, and I suck as a person on not much sleep. I would keep asking for help and if you can't get it through your mum or DP then maybe talk to your mw to see if there is any other assistance you can get. A friend of mine was saying that you can host trainee nannies and although they can't do everything and have specific things they need to cover it is free help so maybe look into that as well. And lastly it does get better and easier, I promise.------------- 
 
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Posted By: hannibal
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:56pm
| Sorry hugs to you! I have a 15 month old and DH works 7 days (self employed) and I work for 40 hours as well. I loved to have him around at the weekends but hes not so I just have to get on with it. Our families are both up in the Waikato and we don't really know anyone here in the SI so its ME. He is pretty good at doing things around the home but I just wish he could be home at the weekends too - it can be a very touchy subject. I guess maybe take a backstep from the housework and ask them for more help! I'm sure if your mum could even give you an afternoon you would feel better, hope things get better for you soon. |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:58pm
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Yes ask for help. Maybe you could talk to your plunket nurse and she might be able to help in someway.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 8:59pm
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Yeah maybe sit your mum and partner down one at a time and explain how you are struggling and really need help.
On the other hand it does sound like you mother has a lot going on and she just might not be able to help you as much as you want right now. Do you go to playgroups/playcentre it might help having other Mums around to talk to and they may even help out with the kids while you are there. Since your DP works so much can you afford a cleaner or something to give you a break? Hugs I remember how hard it is having two little ones let alone having had surgery on top of that. I do promise it gets easier to juggle everything and it won't hurt either child to have to cry every now and then while you do something else.
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:02pm
Ooo yeah just remembered get a slow cooker, you can prepare dinner in the morning when everyone is happy and then its ready when everyone is grumpy 
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:02pm
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Massive from here too.
I can sort of relate, although I only had one baby to deal with! We are overseas and had no family here at all when C came home. People are great at offering to help out but not always good at actually offering anything practical (or are busy with their own lives anyway). When my mum DID come over she was good at cooking meals and doing housework but only if I asked. Otherwise it was like she was here on HOLIDAY and don't get me started on her partner! Lovely guy but useless in a small apartment with a tiny baby. I think they forget how hard it was for them too, they like to think they did it all on their own and we're just soft I think  But I know for a fact my mum had loads of help from her mum...
Anyhoo, sorry, not particularly helpful either am I. But hang in there chicky and as the others have said - ask for help from DP and others as well I found if I was really specific about what I needed from DH he was much better at doing it!------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:10pm
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If you're feeling really desperate give parent aid a call and someone will come and help you. A friend of mine had to use them when she had a migraine, I couldn't get to her and neither could her mum, the lady that came was so good and my friend got some much needed rest and the lady even did a bit of tidying up for her. If I lived in Hamilton I would come and give you a hand myself.
Big hugs, hope you get some good rest. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:12pm
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Website http://www.familyservices.govt.nz/ ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:38pm
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its a lot harder with two than one thats for sure!
it sounds like your mum has got lots on her plate already too... some things that might help are changing things around for a bit. baths dont have to be in the evening when it is just you, do them in the morning. and if jamie needs a bath give him to your partner in the shower in the morning. a great way to bond for them too. and dont forget babies that age dont need a bath every single day, just a wipe down will do on the days you dont bath. sometimes it is a matter of trying to do too much. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:51pm
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step one: screw the housework.
step two: can you leave both kids home with DP for a day...or even just a fwe hours. sometimes guys are dumb with how much work it is having a baby. Breastfeeding to them looks like us sitting on our butts doing nothing. they have no idea. Just a few hours of letting DP see what it is REALLy like with a baby (and toddler), might make him more understanding (and therefore more helpful) step three: is your mum trying to back off, and give you space? Have you asked for help? she may be trying not to crowd your new family. step four: how are you sleeping hun? can anyone look after the boys for a morning so you can sleep in. |
Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 10:13pm
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I think I know how you feel. When I had Jack I got heaps of help, visitors all the time incl family that helped with things etc but after Ben was born it kind of felt like he didn't matter. Hardly anyone visited and it seemed harder to get help. I felt guilty for asking for help as well as I knew that everyone was so busy, I also hated having to ask for help, why didn't everyone know/see that I needed it with 2 kids! Anyway, I sympathise.
Aprilfools mentioned using Parent Aid but as far as I am aware they are a West Auckland based free service although they may have a similar service in Hamilton. They provide temporary assistance (childcare, light housework) when you need it. I would definately recommend looking into whether something like this in your area, your local Plunket should be able to help you. I hav used their services and they are great ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 10:33pm
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Do people really cope with this ???? I know I sure as hell cant. My DH has been great and I know I put a lot of pressure on him (that he probably didnt need) to be home to help with dinner bath etc. I dont think I could have done it on my own...honestly!!!!
We have no family here and I hate asking for help. My mum stayed on for a while after James was born but she felt in the way and as soon as DH came home she would "knock off" so to speak...when he needed to have time with his family too. Why dont people get it that a new mum wants someone to just come in and do it...not wait to be asked....just come in, do the washing, tidy the kitchen, get dinner started and take the toddler out for a couple of hours...or better yet...take both kids out and let mum sleep. That is ALL I would have wanted...but I probably would have refused the help. So sorry, I havent been much help but I think you are reacting in a completely normal and rational way and if you feel you can ask for help then please do it...better to get it now before you breakdown. In other cultures, women are not left alone like this. |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 10:35pm
| and yes, I also think people think you can cope because "you've done it before". they dont realise that two is a whole new kettle of fish. God, one kid is so easy!!!!! |
Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 2:29pm
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i agree nzpiper one kid is so much easier.!!!
jacob's 6 weeks now and i also had a c- section and have a nearly 3 year old. Dh is great support, but that's it. Mum's too busy with her own life to support me or my sister who's recently had a baby. Some people are sooo lucky to have a supportive mother to help out, just an hour a week would be fanastic! neeandsam one day at a time, hour by hour.
that's how i do it. ask a friend to help, I have a fanastic friend who is a great help. Make new friends, join playcentre when term 1 starts back next month. Fills in the morning for Sam and you can meet new mums. or a music group e.t.c plan - one activity a day. i plan things for the morning so we are home by luch time and nap time. You don't have to go out, could be making playdough together, while jamie sleeps e.t.c just something you and sam can do together, gives him some of your time. As so much time is taken up by breastfeeding, toddlers can fell left out. What about DP mother is so around is she nice. My mother in law drives me nuts!! has no clue, but does try i suppose! lastly hang in there is does get easier -------------  
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Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 3:03pm
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People can be funny about offering help when its the 2nd baby. they seem to think you know it all! But I agree with letting them know how you feel and asking for help, you need some time for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: noisybaby
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 9:08pm
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Just ask for help. And keep asking till someone listens. Oh and a good cry can help too. You always have support on here to even if we aren't physically there with you. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 9:19pm
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Aww Renee I wish I could come down and help. -------------  
 
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 9:28pm
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Definately ask plunket if there is a group who do home visits for house work, babysit while you sleep etc.
On the shore its called parent port and they are fab. You cant leave the house, and its retired ladies generally and they come over and will watch baby while you sleep and vaccuum cook etc, its free. Hopefully they have something like that in your area! -------------   
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Posted By: Mrs_B
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 9:42pm
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Renee, you don't know me from a bar of soap (actually I think maybe I got some feijoas off you last year?? I was the enormously pregnant one!) and this might seem a little weird but I am in Hamilton and are happy to come over and babysit Sam while you have a rest. Just let me know and I'll be there (well me and my little boy). Otherwise I think you just need to spell it out plain and clear to your Mum that you need a hand. or are you still in contact with your antenatal group? maybe you could ask one of them if they would mind watching Sam for a few hours and you can return the favour when you are back on your feet -------------  
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Posted By: palomino
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 9:42pm
| Anything us hamilton ladies can do? |
Posted By: Hunnybunny
Date Posted: 13 January 2010 at 10:35pm
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Awww hun Hope your feeling better,
I wish there was something I could do! Instead of being there myself (even though I hardly know you except the odd post on this forum) hows about I sent HUNTD around instead
Hehe, just kidding!! If theres anything any of us far away ladies can do, let us know! I hope your feeling a wee bit better after even venting on here hun...
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 14 January 2010 at 7:35am
| I don't know whether they do it in Hamilton, but after a c-section down here the DHB organises for 6 weeks home help. They aren't allowed to help with childcare at all, but do the housework that you're not supposed to - washing, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming etc. Can you have a chat to your MW and see if the Waikato DHB offer anything like this? It will be something at least. |
Posted By: ?Lolly?
Date Posted: 14 January 2010 at 8:20pm
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If your having trouble coping mentally don't be afraid to call Maternal Mental Health. I have been seeing a lovely lady up here in Auckland and she has been great helping me put stuff in to perspective. Might help :) ((hugs)) though Renee, I hope things get better soon. ------------- Captain Chaos (5) & the Trouble Monsters (2!) 
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