Hi all

Am interested in getting your responses to a messy situation I find myself facing!

As many of you will know from  some of my unhappy posts the last couple of years, DF and I have been fostering a chid who is closely related to DF and whom he has basically raised from birth.

Without giving the long, complicated and sad story here in detail, I though when DF and I moved in that the child biological father would eventually step up (and grow up) and do the right thing by this kid. He was making all the right noises but then he unexpectadly died about 4 days after we found out I was pg with Clodagh.

I can pinpoint that its from about that time I have found myself struggling harder and harder with this child as I realised we were 'it' (his parents now) ...abeit by default. There is also a wee girlwho has been orphaned by this targedy and all eyes of the family are on us to take her too...more stress!

I do not want to do this any longer. My health- both physical and mental- has suffered quite badly since this all happened and yet I have been the one who has tried and tried and tried to find a solution to accomodating this wee boy into our lives. I"ve had councelling, talked to MMH, had social workers come and work with us (well, ME)..and all os them say it's such a difficult tricky situation and that any depression or health issues I have had are hugely situational (so def not PND).

Things have come to a climax the last few days when MIL stated I wasn't raising this child to her likeing (DF and I are v strict with him...he needs strong boundries as he's very manipulative and has some emotional problems). She would prefer it if we spoilt him and 'Nana'ed him...precisiely what he DOESN'T need.  She also said I'd been trying to break up DF adn this child for ages! WTF?  I've done the total opposite and tried to nurture and encourage a strong r'ship bewteen them and everything else has been done on my own. Quite frankly it's like someone gave me this ncie albeot confused 5 year old and said'right Emmecat, now PARENT this child. Don't worry about DF he's too busy to support you and we certainly won't but make sure you do a good job etc'.

Anyway, since that wee converstaion, I just suddenly decided: That's it. I don't HAVE to do this. I'm under no legal obligation and arguably under no moral one either. The thought of not having to deal with this child or the problems or the family fills me with lightness and relief.  I've been thinking about it for a long time (over a year) and tried so hard to tell DF how I"m feeling and what might help (support) and trying to get him in on it but all to no avail.

I now face a situation where I would rather parent CLodagh on my own than her and this boy with DF.  It's that bad for me. I have told DF I'm more than happy to still be involved on weekends with the boy and that I will support him 100% if he feels he has to go and live with his mum and our foster son.....he can always visit us whenever he wants and the door is always open. He doesn't want to do this. He wants to stay in the statas quo but it's just not working at all. I hate my life like this. HATE IT.

It's a tricky situation with no easy or good solution really. I don't hate this child, I feel sorry for him but he's never wanted to live with us, he wants to live with his Nana although we can all see he won't flourish there. They won't hear of puttng him or his wee sister into a outside family foster home or with other younger couples in the family...and she's far too old to cope for much longer, esp with two of them! So what else can I do?????

I think I've been hugely selfless, tried my absolute best in a horrible sitaution that most women would walk away from..and even now I'm still trying to come to a compromise but that's it...I'm no longer willing to be the primary caregiver to this child. If I was single I would've walked away long ago.

Do I have a right to make this decision and leave Clodagh without a live-in Dad? I SOOOO do not want that but from where I sit, it's the better alternative of two unpleasant outcomes.

What would YOU do?

Sorry for the spelling! ALso, we are now NOT TTC. Obviously lol

I should also add...I feel like I've not been able to really enjoy raising Clodagh as there's always been another very very needy child to deal with and from day one I've had to work around that.  I've just come to a point where I just want to be alone with her and love her and do my best by her...at the moment she's getting a burnt out Mummy, a stressed out daddy and quite a few arguements...although we try not to argue in front of her, she must sense the tension sometimes and I don't want that.

All I can say is...wow. Definitely a tricky situation to be in. You've probably done this already, but what I would do is lay all my cards down on the table...so to speak. I'd tell DF anything and everything that is on your mind regarding the situation. Explain how the lack of support is causing you major health issues, which impacts not only on the raising of your foster son, but also your daughter. Explain that it's something that's been festering for over a year...and that it's not a good place for you to be emotionally or mentally. Tell him what you need to happen in order for this situation to work positively...

My heart goes out to you, it's a huge thing to deal with, and I just hope you get the support you deserve.

Hi ooEvaoo- I've told DF absolutely EVERYTHING. All the time. He just doesn't want to hear it. He's very much from the 'ignore it and it'll go away' camp.  Even now he refuses to really discuss it with me.  He won't go for councelling. He won't let the social worker be involved anymore. EVERYTHING has been my responsibility. This includes not just has foster son but his taxes and child support for his other 2 kids which ended up just thousands in debt cos he kept ignoring the mounting bills....all cause dby a tax evasion by his old boss...all left for me to sort out whislt heavily pg and with a newborn! He's a lovely 'nice' guy but just doesn't face up to some of his responsibilites (although he will take on this child that noone else wanted so he's not all bad!)... it's like the whole family sensed I am capable so they've all really run with that!

I don't want to do it anymore  

Hi Bizzy- my feelings toward DF now are affection for him as he's the father of my beloved baby- and he's so good with her and loves her so much...but as a hubby, my feelings have changed quite a lot the last year due to all that he's quite frankly put me through  I've hung in there cos I don't want my daughter being raised in a fatherless home...studies show it's so bad for them.  But surely it's worse to be raised in a home where everyone is unhappy?

Ladies thank you so much for all your thoughtful replies.  I agree with everything you've raised- I HAVE done my dash with the situation now and DF knows this. I'm sure my name will be mud in his family but they should've had a plan B and C...and in fact, not relied on us from day one as it was never our (MY) job to raise this child. I have told DF clearly what I am prepared and not prepared to do so now the ball is in his court. If I know him at all, he'll procrastinate and linger until the situation is made unbearable (probably from his mother) and  only then he'll do something.

I've just finished chatting with my own mum-who totally supports me- and has given me more courage to do what needs to be done. Put it this way- if I was run over by a bus tomorrow and died, who would then look after this child? The family has effectively told me to take this poor kid and parent him- but not the way I see fit-and are now furious that I am no longer willing to put myself in this position. I know the child involved will be well loved and safe and protected where he is, but he won't meet his true potential becuase he'll be spoilt and allowed to manipulate.

But I still feel so much lighter and brighter when I think of my future with Clodagh now I"ve made this difficult decision....so my intuition *must* be right!

Thanks weegee....sometimes I don't know how I'd get through some this this stuff without you lot

Just wondering.....are there many single or seperated parents on these forums?

I think you've been amazing and have done everything you possibly can to make this situation work, littlesal's suggestion is a good one.

In the end how this child is raised/turns out isn't solely your responsibility, its the responsibility of his family.

You've done a great job and should be thanked for it, let the rest of his family take some responsibility.

Your main priority should be for your own health and the emotional, mental and physical health of your daughter.   to you and look after yourself.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. I think you have answered your own question and maybe some time apart from DF is needed to clearly think about things. Maybe take a small holiday and clear your head and see how you feel after that.

Its a hard decision to make but if your not happy then your wee girl won't be happy. Do whats best for you and her not whats best for everyone else.

Big hugs to you and Clodagh. I hope the rest of the year gets better for you both

*sob* you guys are wonderful!

I am standing firm in my decision. The rest is up to DF and his family now. I will stay in the family home and he can choose what to do from here.

I can honestly lie straight in my bed at night knowing I did my utmost...and I think DF knows he hasn't ...and that's half the problem.

I have to say already Clodagh and I are much more relaxed together without the other child around. At this stage DF is still coming home to us at night and helping out (which is awesome) but I know I can do this on my own if need be. Hope I don't need to.

jazzy wrote: I wanted to ask you...you said in a post your feelings to DF had changed do you now think with the other child gone & less stress you may get those feeling back?

Yes I do.... although there's been a lot of water under the bridge IYKWIM?  Also, he won't stay I don't think without this other child so it becomes a moot point really.  I won't give up on the r'ship until he says he can't do it any more..and I don't think he will. I think TBH we could quite easily be happy enough with Clodagh and I living in the family home and he and his foster son and his mum living together nearby. Families come in all shapes and sizes and design so surely the idea is for us all to be as happy as possible given the situation?

HI all

The feedback you keep giving me is so reassuring and supportive, so thank you! I had a moment with DD and DF last night when she wasn't sleeping and he was helping and I thought 'damn this will be hard on my own'....and I felt like I was wavering slightly in my head (against my better wishes of course)..and then he said 'she (Clodagh) seems more upset when I'm here, maybe it's me winding her up'  I replied...'you know that's not the case, she's alwys been a crap sleeper and if you're going to leave us then please don't use that as an excuse'. I waited for him to say don't be silly but he just stayed quiet.  Think maybe he's trying to justify thngs in his mind. I thought AGAIN this morning should I reconsider , maybe just have a break from DF's foster son for a school term or something....and all my gut is saying is NO. I'd spend the whole term dreading the time when he made a reappearance back here for good.  I feel like such a mean person saying that but it's the truth. And I do actually want what is best for this kid, and I don't think having me as his primary caregiver is it. His famiy can't see that because of course its EASIEST for me to do it. Then they don't have to.

Bizzy- no I haven't kicked DF out..and won't. He needs to come to his own decision.

Lilfatty- you are absolutely right about DF being between a rock and hard place. It's a very difficult situation for all of us. I know you're not having a dig at me, but unless you've been placed in this situation yourself, its hard to see how draining it is. I never took this child on long term-nor wanted him long term and spelled that out plainly; he was 'accrued' (terrible word) through his bio dads death and the extended family looking for an easy solution. The fact that I have pursued this actively looking for help, support and solutions shows my personality- and how dogmatic and caring I am trying to keep everyone happy. Your suggestion otherwise is a bit insulting sorry.  I haven't abandoned this child at all- I have told DF that I'm more than happy to keep seeing him and his sister for the weekends but I am not prepared to be the primary caregiver anymore. I think that's a very fair compromise actually. The children have a sizable inheritence left them by their dad so childcare outside of school/kindy is a very real option. The nana lives 5 minutes away so there are in reality all sorts of practical solutions...just it's easier for them for me to do it ALL. And in response to your comment about my doing the parenting at home, no, I did ALL the parenting...fullstop.

fattartsrock wrote: Speaking from experience I can totally reccomend a break from the child. At that time, I felt dead inside, I had no feeling at all for my husband, except for anger and resentment and sometimes even hate. It had been that way for quite a while. I didn't like him touching me, we couldn't have a conversation without it turning into an argument and all I ever thought about was being on my own with the kids. I had heaps of support outside the marriage, so I felt confident in my decision, although I felt sad to be walking away from my marriage, and taking my kids away from thier dad, Good luck.

That's how things have been for me for a long time...  I'm staying put mainly cos I don't want Clodagh seperated from her dad. But maybe without the stress of his foster child (and remember there are 2 stepchildren involved who I like and get on with and see weekly too!), things between us might change.

Do you think if you had/were getting the support you need from DF and his family you'd feel differently?
Where is this boys mother?

Can CYFS or similar agency offer some help? As it sounds like this little boy has some behavioural problems (correct me if i'm wrong) that you could get some help with. Is he in school?  Who is his legal guardian?

In the end your own health and well being is most important if you aren't looking after yourself you aren't any use to anyone else.

mrsg1 wrote: Do you think if you had/were getting the support you need from DF and his family you'd feel differently? Where is this boys mother?

I think there's too much gone on now and I really don't think there'd be much support coming...this is a family that totally don't believe in 'outside help'  The boys mother is gone, MIA, never been involved...drug addict

I'm tempted to call CYFS but then the sh!t would really hit the fan and that's the last thing I want. I also feel stuck between a rock and a hard place..... I care for this kid but I don't wnat to raise him..and yes he has some attention problems but is actually generally incrediably well adjusted. He'll LOVE staying at Nana's being throughly spoiled!! He didn't like living with us as we had boundries and consequences and discipline (not physical)...like most homes do. The worst that'll happen to this kid is that he grows up spoilt and not reaching anywhere near his full potential. He certainly won' t be abused or anything horrible like that...but he may well end up with abandonment issues. Who knows? *sigh*

Edited to add- there is NO legal guardian!! Can you believe it???  DF just won't or can't do it..I can't cos I"m just random peson according to the courts...so nobody knows. It's crazy. I've tried to get DF to get legal cusotdy at least and we looked at adoption but Nana doesn't think that's the right thing to do. Apparently I should just take over the day to day care and rasie this son as my own and feel biological love for him..but have no legal say in what happens to him   That's an example of what I"ve had to deal with. One of many

Bizzy- yes I have stayed in the family home with Clodagh and DF and his foster child has moved out to be with his Nana for a bit..which he will love! She after all thinks her parenting is better so I guess we will see!  DF very gutted about the whole thing but its been a looong time coming and I"ve tried to tell him again and again how I'm feeling and how unhappy and unhealthy the situation is making me (actually, US). He would def rather I just cave and keep going as we were....where none of us are happy but its easier!.

Mrsg1- yes my family and friends are 100% supportive. They know how hard it's been. I know this child will alwys be in our lives and I'm fine with that, I just don't want to be his mother or primary caregiver. That's why I have offered to keep seeing him at the weekends so he has some continuity and sameness about him.

Emmecat wrote: ...Things have come to a climax the last few days when MIL stated I wasn't raising this child to her likeing (DF and I are v strict with him...he needs strong boundries as he's very manipulative and has some emotional problems). She would prefer it if we spoilt him and 'Nana'ed him...precisiely what he DOESN'T need.   ...I have told DF I'm more than happy to still be involved on weekends with the boy and that I will support him 100% if he feels he has to go and live with his mum and our foster son.....he can always visit us whenever he wants and the door is always open. ....I don't hate this child, I feel sorry for him but he's never wanted to live with us, he wants to live with his Nana although we can all see he won't flourish there. ....I haven't abandoned this child at all- I have told DF that I'm more than happy to keep seeing him and his sister for the weekends but I am not prepared to be the primary caregiver anymore. I think that's a very fair compromise actually. The children have a sizable inheritence left them by their dad so childcare outside of school/kindy is a very real option. The nana lives 5 minutes away so there are in reality all sorts of practical solutions...just it's easier for them for me to do it ALL. ....I also feel stuck between a rock and a hard place..... I care for this kid but I don't wnat to raise him..and yes he has some attention problems but is actually generally incrediably well adjusted. He'll LOVE staying at Nana's being throughly spoiled!! He didn't like living with us as we had boundries and consequences and discipline (not physical)...like most homes do. The worst that'll happen to this kid is that he grows up spoilt and not reaching anywhere near his full potential. He certainly won' t be abused or anything horrible like that...but he may well end up with abandonment issues. Who knows? *sigh*

 Emmecat, it sounds like you've had a rough time of it for a long time. And have been doing an amazing job parenting both your foster son and your own daughter too.

While I don't know what I would do in your situation, I did want to say that it sounds to me as though you love your foster son very much.  I remember you posting about your feelings for him when pregnant with your wee girl, and worrying whether you would love her (geez, really hope I haven't got you mixed up with someone else - will blame preggy brain if so ).  From reading this more recent post, it is clear to me that you do love your foster son too and care a great deal about his future wellbeing. 

The MILs comments didn't sound helpful at all.  But perhaps it may help to sit down with her and have a chat about different parenting styles?  It sounds as though you both have strong beliefs about parenting and that there isn't much chance either or you will persuade the other that your way is *better* for him (sorry to sound blunt, wish I had a better way with words).  Anyway, I was worried about the difference between DH and my parenting styles too until recently, when I went to a http://www.familyservices.govt.nz/working-with-us/programmes-services/positive-parenting/skip-index.html - S.K.I.P.  talk about parenting.  One of the key messages I took from it was try not to stress about the fact that a child's caregivers may use completely different approaches to parenting.  As a child grows, they will need to adjust to different styles used by kindy and school teachers and different expectations when staying with other family members/friends places etc.  And kids actually do cope with different styles really well.  The important thing is to keep your approach consistent when you are in the parenting role.  And while it can make things easier to work alongside the other main caregivers on things like setting boundaries etc, it isn't essential that you agree on everything.  So perhaps you could try talking to the MIL and if possible agree to disagree on parenting styles?  And that each of you will continue using your preferred approach and back each other up rather than try to persuade the other to change their style?

At 5 years old, your foster son may maintain that he prefers living with his Nana, but once he's grown up and left home and had kids of his own he'll appreciate the boundaries you set him and skills in self-disciple you taught him.  You obviously both love him, and want to do your best by him, and this love will enable him to reach his full potential.