Pregnant and in Poverty??
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Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=31546
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Topic: Pregnant and in Poverty??
Posted By: Pregwithnumber1
Subject: Pregnant and in Poverty??
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 1:34pm
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This is my first post. I am 27 years old and 23 weeks pregnant with my first. I am married but with no real financial support from my husband after I was made redundant last year (because "'I should have a job by now"). With one income we're too poor to have much to go around anyway, but when we do it goes on his 'expenses' (ie. beer and fags) first.
Just out of curiosity, is anyone else also suffering the following symptoms? Empty fridge No vitamins No petrol Mobile phone cut-off (again) Maxed credit card, gathering interest like a magnet Only 2 pairs pants, 1 bra that fits (for now..) Make-up running low Trailer-park like regrowth in hair that badly needs a cut Not a cent even for a coffee with a friend Stuck at home like some kind of pet? Oh, and : Anger Depression General insanity I am the only pregnant girl on earth who won't be able to afford nappies? I know people raise babies on the benefit and I take my hat off to them, I truly do. How can you support yourself, let alone a newborn, when you have NOTHING? I'm not after sympathy. I need practical advice and experience. I need to know I'm not the only one. ****THANKS****** Thanks ladies for your replies. Well that is the thing, if I do pack my stuff and leave now then at least I would get $150 a week on the unemployment benefit. Wow that would be like Xmas. Staying here though I am entitled to nothing from the Govt because of what he earns (and keeps to himself!) I know for a fact however if I did leave my H and take our child that he may never forgive me and I would have an estranged, bitter father who will blame me for everything (he does already for us being poor). Not a pretty outcome and not a path I'm prepared to go down just yet. Because it is his first child too, I feel like I need to give him a chance at least until the baby is born. I know it is hard for men with their first on the way because the physical changes aren't happening to them and it doesn't seem real until the baby comes. In his defence he has been very supportive in attending the scans, docs appoints and classes etc. He is actually not a bad person, just clueless and immature - especially about $$. Clueless or not however I am very stressed and depressed and am now dreading my due date. It is a sh*t place to be in. I feel completely trapped and I hate it. Would be interesting to hear from any Dads- to- be who are keeping the nest afloat while their partner is pregnant. Is it men in general who are like this or just mine? |
Replies:
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 1:39pm
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Hi there. I am sure you are not the only one. Hugs to you. If you want to talk through things and see if there are other ways to approach the situation, feel free to private message me or call Pregnancy Counselling Services - they are there to help or simply to listen. You do not need to be alone in this. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 1:42pm
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Hun is your husband refusing to support you and his unborn child just because you haven't found a new job yet?! At 20-odd weeks pregnant?? There are loads of people without jobs in NZ at the moment. You are definitely not alone. This is going to sound harsh maybe, but have you looked into leaving him, whether you would get some financial assistance if you WERE on your own?
If that's not an option, you need to put your foot down re the beer and fags. They are NOT essentials. Saving so that you have something put aside for nappies and things later on IS essential. Your husband needs to start thinking of someone other than himself, he's going to be a father soon!  ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 1:47pm
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OMG, what a jerk! (your hubby that is)..
I'd sit down and have a serious conversation with him, write down how you feel etc. There is NO WAY i would put up with that at all. I'm not working, I look after my son and the money that comes into our household is OUR money, not his money. If I earn money from making things its still OUR money not mine. I wouldn't wanna relationship like that. |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 1:49pm
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I'm not sure where in the country you are, but in Auckland there is a pregnancy support service that hands out newborn clothes, nappies etc etc.
Oh and ive never taken vitamins or worn make up ... so I cant help you with that part. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: MindyW
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 2:02pm
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I think you may need to look into what would be best for you and your baby. Do you have family or close friends that can help out if you decide to go it alone? I'm not sure how realistic you DH is being about you getting a job when you are 23 weeks pregnant when you would need to leave in a couple of months, I'm also struggling with the refusing to support you financially.
I'm truely sorry to say this but I think he needs to "man up" and help his wife and baby. All this stress will be affecting baby as well. I would follow Lilfattys advice and seek out pregnancy support services. I'm sure you are not the only one going through this This forum is very supportive and I have learnt a lot from it. There are also a lot of money saving tips on here as well.
Babes tips were always good.. anyone remember what that thread was called so it can be searched if wanted? All the best for your pregnancy and take care ------------- My Beautiful Little Emily http://lilypie.com"> 
We've Waited for You Forever! |
Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 2:13pm
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OMG hugs to you! I second kiwisj on the leaving him front? Ok I know thats probably not exactly practical advice but if you have nothing and your baby has nothing, would it not be a better option to put yourself into a situation where you and your baby CAN have something? I am assuming you have made efforts to correct these issues with your hubby to no avail? If it helps, here is my story. At 14 weeks preggy I lost (well actually threw in) my job cause they treated me like snot. DP, although supported me in front of other people, was furious with me (understandable I guess...). Anyways, he refused to help me financially and despite my efforts to find another job, I could not due to being preggy. Consequently things between the two of us deteriorated and many of the girls on here will remember a thread I started, asking for help which turned into a huge mess. ANYWAY...I ended up leaving him, I went bankrupt, blah blah blah. Ended up on the benefit and finally started to get life back on track, looked after myself and baby followed suit. Once on the benefit I was getting only $190 a week (I was living with my parents so only paying $40 board a week) which isn't a lot but better than nothing. A few months later, DP and I actually got back together, he realised his failings and has since pulled his head in. Although his "old self" rears it's ugly head every now and then, it only takes a quick reminder and it generall scurries back to it's cave. With the benefit money I was on, I managed to get EVERYTHING I needed for baby and if I was still on my own, I would still be able to provide for myself and baby and still live quite comfortably in a rented house. Anyway my point is, if you leave, maybe he'll change his tune and you guys can get back together and live happily ever after. If he doesn't change then you can rest easy knowing that you and baby can live a comfortable (although maybe modest) life on the benefit that you are entitled to. Feel free to PM me if you want anymore help. I also have boxes of second hand baby clothes and I'd be happy to send some to you. ETA: The benefit I was on was ony unemployment which is hy it's so low. DPB is significantly more than that. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 3:27pm
I just also wanted to add that once the baby is born you could possibly (depending on your DH's earnings) be eligible for Working for Families tax credits which will will help buy nappies etc. You will also be eligible for the one off Tax Credit being that you won't get Paid parental leave. You can find out about all these entitlements at the working for families and IRD websites. Definitley worth a look as they won't be your Hubby's money and will be paid into your name/bank account. Hopefully that will make things easier. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 3:29pm
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first of all hugs
Your man sounds like an idiot to me. He needs to "man up" as Mindyw said, and learn that together you are bringing a new life into this world that is completly dependent on you two. If it was me I would be out of there like a shot, crashing at a mates if I had to, till I could find somewhere of my own. Talk to winz about accomdation supplements, and look at getting on a benefit of some sort. Put your foot down and tell him that he needs to sort his sh*t out or your gone. There are lots of lovely ladies on here who can help and give great advice. ------------- 
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Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 3:44pm
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the pregnancy help place that lilfatty was talking about is http://www.pregnancyhelp.org.nz/ - pregnancy help they have branches in other parts of NZ as well -------------  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Katep
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 4:31pm
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I don't see how anyone could be with someone that would choose ciggarets over his partner and unborn child. Obviously I am not going to tell you to leave him as it is none of my business! But your situation sounds sh*t! and he doesn't sound like he is helping. Gosh, if my partner doesnt pay for mu 6weekly haor appts, boy there is trouble!!!
Surely there are family members that can support you? Not neccesarily financially, but somewhere to live for a bit, giving him time to get back to reality and to realise what is important in life. You mention that he *might* step up after baby is born and he should get a chance to have a father, to me he should be stepping up now. You need to eat well and relax, and most importantly you need to enjoy the time you have to yourself beofre baby is here. Surely, keeping this money from you is some form of abuse, sounds it to me anyway. You aren't just partners, you are actually married! I just dont get how someone (him) can be so selfish! He needs a wake up call now!! Please just dont sit back and do nothing, I would hate you to continue like this. all the best! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Mum to the Gorgeous Leah! 7 months |
Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 4:44pm
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Goodness me you poor thing! We're living on one income but luckly my husband fully supports me.
Firstly, if you do decide to leave, get your midwife to tell winz that you need to be on the DPB/sickness benefit NOW instead of the UB. You're under way too much stress to be even considering a small part time job and they will put you on the DPB/sickness benefit. Your husband seriously needs a kick in the ass - Sure, he can spend his money on his booze and fags and long as he supports you as well! which he's obviously not. Never worry about having nothing once you've left him, theres plenty of support out there for people in your situation (help with places to stay etc etc) so there is hope! I hope you get things sorted soon! ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 5:17pm
How do you get this Tax credit? I was lead to believe that because I wasn't working that I couldn't get this? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Mum2Sam wrote:Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 5:32pm
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http://www.ird.govt.nz/wff-tax-credits/entitlement/what-is-wfftc/
look on here Mum2Mac- You would be eligable for the Parental tax credit- it is the last one out of the four, however you have to apply before your child is 56 days old (8 weeks). -------------
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 6:39pm
totally agree Im sorry but he dosent deserve you, you need to tell him how you feel and what will happen if he dosent man up. What his he going to teach your children but how to be disrespectful to the woman he loves . You may feel stuck betweena rock and a hard place sweet, but your Mum skills will kick in when you have that babe in your arms and you will do whatever it takes to make your child safe and happy and provided for. Happy Mum is happy babe I really feel for you - you have loads of support on here xxx Oh and give us you sizes - etc - Im sure there are a few on here who can afford to pull a few things out of the closet for you - Will PM you for your details xx ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 6:50pm
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smcgr - I understand that you want to give your DH a chance till the baby is born and I get that you are worried he won't forgive you if you go.
But hun he is doing something fairly unforgiveable right now! Refusing to support you while you're pregnant is sh*tty, no excuses. If he wants to be involved with all this then - as has been said previously - MAN UP. It makes me really sad and angry that you say you have no food in your fridge but he is still happy to spend money on booze and smokes  
I worked casually while I was pregnant but was never under ANY pressure from my DH to do so. He was proud to support his family-to-be and really appreciated me being at home to cook him yummy dinners every night 
If your friend came to you and told you she was in the same situation - what would you tell her to do? ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 6:59pm
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Maybe you should remind him of this
"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part" Which part of the country are you in? I have given away all my childrens clothes (well the ones that don't fit anymore, not all of them!) but I have some toys and a play mat you can have if you are in the CHCH area, might be a bit pricey to ship. |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 7:02pm
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It's "Babe's Fantastic Tips"
My DH is the sole income earner. He supported me when I was studying & now he is supporting me while I raise our kids. Granted I went back to work once DD was 5 months. He's never begrudged me staying at home this time. At least this time we have WFF & also I'm looking after another little girl full time from next week so I'm helping out the family pot again. DH used to drink beer & when we tightened our belts we came to an agreement that he can get a bottle of vodka as that will last longer & is cheaper than beer. I guess it helps that I control the money in the house, make sure the bills are paid etc. We've got a good system now. We live on a tight food budget. I meal plan out for a fortnight & this weeks shopping was $70 & then I'll go to the markets for fruits & veges on sunday. We also get meat in bulk so cheaper that way. My suggestion, if you haven't done this already is to sit down with your H & work out a budget & talk about your situation. If he's pigheaded & not going to help then maybe you need to look seeing if you can move our to your parents place? ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Bubie
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 7:03pm
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Aww hun, i know how you feel. When i found out i was pregnant with mine and my partners first ( not engaged yet ) i freaked, i was happy about it and so was he but we knew money would be a problem. At that stage i was going through leaving my work due to me not being able to carry out what the job wanted, me studying something i wasnt interested in. Once i left me and my partner had to live on $700 a fortnight and our bills and everything were more then that. Especially with having to save for a baby. In the end everything sorted it self out and we are ok now, still struggling with money, but way better then before i guess  My partner is supporting me and bubs and dosnt seem to mind atm Some men can be pricks at time, maybe try talking to him about everything and how you are feeling, a true partner would understand what his wife is going through and respect that
Big Hugs to you, everything will get better, just wait and see I know what it feels like when you feel like the whole world sucks and nothing seems to go right for you, but in time it will ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 7:10pm
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Im sorry but I disagree Bubie - I think your partner is alot more supportive than this poor ladies.
I dont think that if he will get better if he cant support her when she needs it most. Do you have family close by - maybe a night or a day in a different environment will help you to think about what really works best for you - I think you can gather what most of us think - but you have to do what your comfy with. ------------- http://lilypie.com]
http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 7:34pm
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so who does the grocery shopping in the house? you need to start putting things aside now, nappies (if you are using disposables), wipes. supermarkets generally sell lots of baby items now, incl bibs, blankets, clothes, bottles...
i dont kow how long you have been unemplyed for but have you tried for a temporary part time job to get some money for baby stuff and for yourself. makeup and haircuts and vitamins arent essentials... hate to say it but neither are mobile phones... if his income is that low you may qualify for some form of accommodation or other assistance as well so might pay to check with WINZ etc. you dont need to be stuck at home... go for a walk round your neighbourhood... staying fit will be helpful for when you have bub and you may meet some nice people in your area as well. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 7:49pm
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We have been on the bones of our asses and luckily had parents to give us food parcels etc, but basically we ate bread, didn't use mobile phones or internet, didn't drink, used cloth nappies, used 2nd hand clothes and made do. It is possible, but I suggest if you're having issues with your H to ring WINZ.
Also, if he is earning a bit, you could talk to a lawyer (maybe CAB might give you a community lawyer to search?) about spousal maintenance rather than the DPB if you left (it basically comes down to him paying you maintenance as you decided to have the baby together - can work out better thant the DPB). I'm sorry but any man that values beer and fags over his wife and baby is worthless IMO. He needs a reality check and there's probably only one way that's going to happen. My DH likes having his own money but sacrifices pretty much everything to give us the life we have, and TBH I wouldn't expect it any other way. Sorry you're in this situation 
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 8:43pm
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It sounds like you're in a bit of a pickle, but I'm sure there are ways you can make it better.
First things first, what are your expenses? It sounds like you’re eating (if not a huge amount), and have a roof over your head, so I assume you’ve got the groceries and rent thing sorted. Other essentials seem to me to be - clothes - perhaps a few veges etc (assuming you’re living off the cheaper stuff, which is usually carbs) - the things that Bubs is gonna need when he/she arrives So, you need to come up with a bit of cash. I’m thinking that $50 will get you sorted with some OK looking gear at SaveMart (or the local opshop equivalent). P’raps you could put a few things on TradeMe to make that? Maybe even some of your pre-preggy clothes for a few dollars each (since you have died hair, I’m assuming the rest of you has seen better days too) – it’ll add up. Then do what you can to get some kind of money coming in. There’s temping jobs you can get, perhaps some kind of (light!!) labouring, if you’re rural, how about a stint or two at relief milking or rousying? With what you’ve got coming in, stockpile stuff the baby will need. Buy some vege plants and look after them in the time you’ve got when you’re not working. They grow in buckets if need be. Make an effort to get out of the house. Like has been said, just go for a walk – it’s as easy as that. Meet a friend for walk –even better (I assume you have them, since you mention you can’t go out for coffee with them). If you’re serious about staying with this chap, and making it work, you’re going to have to look after yourself. Get your own account. Keep tight tabs on your own money. Let him do his thing (seems like he’s going to anyway), and do your own yourself. And get into siege mentality for goodness sake. If you’re worried about nappies for the baby, coffee, a haircut, makeup, a mobile, they’re all things you really, really don’t need. They’re good to have. Most of us like them, and I think long-term, it’s really important to have treats and breaks. But for now, you say you’re worried about nappies for the baby... so make that what matters. Forget the other junk for now!!!! How does that sound? It does involve a bit of work... but isn’t the Baby worth it? Of course, I’ve suggested that because you’ve made it clear you’re not going to set down the rules with this drop-kick. I find that hard to comprehend, but then I have a secure upbringing, and feel confident in my abilities to look after myself and my wee one. Perhaps you haven’t had the advantages I’ve had to give you that confidence? Anyway, if it was me, I’d be drawing a line, and saying ‘it’s either that, or I walk’. (And although I guess I’d be biased, I would try to make sure it was a fair line too. If I’d been made redundant, I think it would be fair for DH to be a bit peeved if I hadn’t picked up a job yet (depending, of course, on the situation, and how hard I’d tried – I can imagine circumstances conspiring against one in that respect.) -------------   
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Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 8:51pm
Oh...FAIL then. Mac is 9 weeks old tomorrow. Hardly fair, I didn't even know I could get it. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 9:11pm
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Mum2mac, I don't think you need to apply in the first 8 weeks the payment is just for the first 8 weeks but because it is through WFF you can also get it as a lump sum, same as other WFF payment. You do have to get an IRD number for baby but if you are already signed up for WFF you have probably already done that, if not it is easy you can do it through the IRD website.
I would ring WFF and ask them about it, no point screwing yourself out of $1200 if you are able to claim it. oh edited to add, you can't get IRD number till you have birth cert and ours seemed to take ages to come through and then the IRD number took ages (I actually phoned and got it off them in the end and was another few weeks before it turned up in the post) so thinking back I think he was older than 8 weeks before we even had the paper work to claim it. |
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 9:29pm
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when we got it I just applied on line and then they sent a letter - once we were already recieving the payment - asking or Birth cert - had to fill out a form - and take the form and the birth cert to the local post office and they faxed it through - apparently they are an IRD agent - if that helps at all
just saw this When you receive payments If you register for parental tax credit within three months after the child is born, payments are made fortnightly. Otherwise we make a lump sum payment after the end of the tax year (ie after 31 March), when we work out how much parental tax credit you are entitled to receive based on your income for the tax year. This usually means you receive the payment around July. ------------- http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: Lucky apple
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 9:48pm
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Pregwithnumber1 - have you mentioned any of this to your midwife?
...there are loads of people who can help, but your midwife can help to connect you with the right people who can support now, during pregnancy, and after baby is born. If your midwife doesn't "hear" you properly...your GP could...sometimes the help ball might not start rolling unless you push it. Take care! |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 10:07pm
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Oh hun that sucks! I was made redundant at 12 weeks, yep nice huh. I got straight onto a couple of agents and tried to get work, but no such luck. The most annoying thing was I was literally one phone call away from getting a full time temp job for as long as I wanted it but missed out on it because after my interview an old employee rang and asked if they had work. Needless to say I was guttered! I worked until I was about 20weeks and then a month later had my annual leave paid out which was about 4weeks worth. I was lucky I was kept on the payrole and qualified for wff. It sucks, luckily DP was good about it and understanding he knew I was doing everything I could to try bring money in. I was thinking of temping part time in hospitality which is the industry I've been in for 5years but thought better of it, as it is hard long hours for temps and can be quite phiscally demanding. Now I am trying to find part time work, but finding it hard! I am so capable of alot of things but don't even get a look in. So it is still hard out there. DP who is a senior manager at his work is also finding it hard out there. As has been mentioned after baby is here, do the birth cert, and get wff as soon as possible and get onto the ird number. My birth cert, and ird number came quickly once we put it in. Make sure that money goes into your account not his. Be wary of brands in regards to baby items. We used huggies to begin with, but then went onto select brand/pams etc. And now are using ones from nappies for less. We invested in cloth, because we were on a budget and $300 for nappies that will last us for at least a year was a good option for us. Some places let you laybye/hp them. Nappies direct also has an "account" you can put money into for when you need the nappies and they deliver. Sorry make up/ hair dye/ all the luxuries in life well I haven't had for awhile. Yep I have the grey streak going on. Oh so hot! baha I get my hair cut once in awhile, yes it costs abit as I go to a decent hairdresser (who happens to be a friend) but she does good cuts and I want to look good if even for awhile. I suggest you go to the supermarket and get a home kit to dye your hair dark ttherefore not worrying about the regrowth. We scrimped and saved and managed to hold our heads up. its tough out there for most people now. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: 0mrs0ana0
Date Posted: 10 February 2010 at 10:40pm
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You poor thing! I think you've been given some great advice. Assuming your H is a reasonable person I think you need to have sit down calm conversation, tell him how desperate you're feeling & you're at the point of walking out. If that what you decide is best make sure you've got a great support network in place. Maybe board with your parents if possible?
I really feel for you hun, hope everything works out for you & your bubba ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 May 2012
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Posted By: Pregwithnumber1
Date Posted: 11 February 2010 at 1:32pm
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Thanks everyone for your advice and wisdom, I have taken it all in and will consider seriously. I got myself into this mess and intend to get myself out. Just needed to vent my frustrations before I went postal. Thanks heaps for your support Means a lot!
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Posted By: MindyW
Date Posted: 11 February 2010 at 1:44pm
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All the very best Pregwithnumber1, I know some of our comments may have sounded harsh to you but your over halfway pregnant with bubs and its only going to get more expensive from here on! I really hope that things work out for the best for you and your little bub! ------------- My Beautiful Little Emily http://lilypie.com">
We've Waited for You Forever! |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 11 February 2010 at 1:51pm
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I'm not even going to go into the hubby thing, cos you already know it anyway.
Re. work - do you have skills that would enable you to temp? It may only be a day or two every week or two, but better than nothing. And it means you can get some of the things that you need for bubs. Our girls stuff is all second hand except clothes we were given and the mattresses for the bassinets and cots, and you know what, no-one would ever guess!! That includes the cots and buggy, dresser etc. Alternatively, even jobs like a checkout person at a supermarket/The Warehouse etc are worth looking into. Sure, the pay sucks, but most uni students are heading back now which means vacancies opening up, and it's better than nothing. I work part-time at the Warehouse, sure it's not glamorous, but I'm not in it for that - we just needed a wee bit of extra money, and this enables us to get that. |