How to bring up the topic with DH
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=3180
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Topic: How to bring up the topic with DH
Posted By: kebakat
Subject: How to bring up the topic with DH
Date Posted: 18 July 2006 at 3:24pm
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DH and I decided no trying for kids while I had a few problems with my cervix (a couple of adnormal smears) which I was totally fine with because I didn't want to find out something really needed to be done and couldn't be done if I was preggers. OK so now I've been given the all clear but still have to have more regular check ups than most people which is fair enough since I've had a problem in the past. We have also just moved into a new home. It's huge compared with our last one and the mortgage is only a little bigger than our last one as well. We are paying off way more than the minimum amount to try and get it down as much as possible.
I think DH has got used to the idea that it was just going to be us for now as we were both under the impression from my specialist that kids would be off limits for a lot longer but that's not the case now. So I'm really clucky and have thought about this a lot recently and in a lot of detail and I would really love to start trying seriously but I'm not totally sure about how to approach the subject again... DH also has these worries about when the time comes to be the "bread winner" of the family and being the only income earner for a while. I understand these worries but they will be amplified now that we have a slightly bigger mortgage. Any ideas about how I can bring this topic up gently? |
Replies:
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 18 July 2006 at 3:31pm
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Explain things how you have here and understand his point of view - it can be alot of pressure for guys and they do feel they have to be the breadwinner - mike was under a heap of stress when we went from 1 to 2 kids. The thing to remember is that unless you are earning hugely extravagant amounts you will usually be eligable for IRD working for families payments - and as long a your hubby is working more than 30 hrs a week, then you would get in work bonus as well. Maybe look into the thingsd that you qualify for so that you have some facts that you can bring to the conversation. The thing is, as most ladies will tell you here - there is no optimal time to have kids - something always crops up and no amount of money is ever enough - the more you get the more things you find to spend it on. And we are always here for budgeting advice too lol.
So get some facts behind you, and go for it - it's not like it's something you haven't ever discussed.. and you could be surprised and find that he might be thinking the same thing but worried that you want to leave it till you've had the all clear for a little longer. You'll do fine.  ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 18 July 2006 at 3:50pm
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I know that we will be eligable for working for families. Though it won't be a huge amount but every little bit helps. As for the work bonus, I'd never heard of that before!!
I've looked on websites like IRD and all them before but I end up clicking links and going round in circles!! Grrr very frustrating! But thanks Janine! |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 18 July 2006 at 4:15pm
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Stace, As you are paying of the mortgage faster, see if when you do have the bubs if you can have a few weeks of interest only. Some banks do it. Also instead of paying the extra why not put that extra bit in a high interest savings account. Then use that money to pay day to day bills once baby comes. Try the working for families website as it is easier to get a figure out of. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 18 July 2006 at 4:26pm
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We are paying off as much of our mortgage as the bank will let us as that means thats less interest we have to pay on our mortgage which works out better for us in the long run (that way we are paying more of our mortgage rather than mostly interest). We still have a surplus of money availble and I'm in the process of working out how much per week we could put away into our high interest savings. I've just been watching our account for a couple of weeks to see what effect our increased mortgage payements are going to really have on us (as we have only been at our new place for a couple of weeks).
The bank confirmed for us that when the time came to have kids that we could reduce our payements down to the bare minimum (about 2/3rds of what we are paying now) which will be more easily manageable for us on one income if we pay more off now. |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 9:43am
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As Janine said, there is no right time to have kids!
I don't know if this is likely to be your type of thing as many people want the new and the best for their child... but babies aren't actually that expensive. All the stuff that most people get is not needed to can be borrowed or bought second hand. It means that you can continue to blitz the mortgage with payments!!! It's only once the little devils get a bit older that they start to have an effect on the bank account. But that is all relative too. Best of luck with "the talk"
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Posted By: mrs frantic
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 10:01am
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Hey Stacey there is another option with your mortgage - you can get a mortgage holiday. Basically the bank suspends your payments for 3 months, I am pretty sure all banks do it... and it makes a huge difference knowing that the first 3 months of bubs life you dont have any mortgage to pay... all they do is add that 3 months on to the end of your term - so for eg instead of paying it off in 25 years you pay it offi n 25 years and 3 months... not too bad at all and such a relief!
If I were you I would just be straight with your dh... I was thinking similar to you that my dh wanted more time before we had kids, but when I finally asked him the question he said that he had been indicating that cos he thought I wanted to wait and he didnt want to put pressure on me...and that he was ready to start when I was (ofcourse the idea of practising always appelas to men doesnt it LOL....)... you may be surprised (I WAS!)... but at least you will know where he stands on the issue... ------------- Mrs Frantic Baby Maddisyn born 28 Sept 2006 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 4:15pm
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As for the newest and best.. I won't be one of them, there will be certain things that I will definately want brand new but that would just be things like a cot (or things like that) because hand me downs won't be an option as we will be the first and a couple of brand new things won't break the bank for us if we are good.
I'm waiting for a time when DH and I aren't tired or grumpy from work then I'm gonna ask when we are all nice n relaxed in bed (we are lazy buggers and like our electric blanket and tv in our room a bit much!) |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 4:57pm
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As for maybe getting a suprise reaction from DH like you did frantic. I don't think DH will really truely expect it. As after we found out about my problems down yonder we put together a "plan" for the next couple of years so he won't really expect me to pop out with "hunny how do you feel about having kiddies now?" hehe because he's expecting me to ask that in a couple of years.. I think.. but then again who knows, he may surprise the heck outta me.
After thinking a little more about it, I'll gather some facts for him first about where we can get money from the govt and where we can save money etc. And go into the conversation totally prepared to help settle his money worries so that hopefully won't play so much of a factor in his mind. Hmm maybe a massage to relax him first?!? hehehe 
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 7:13pm
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Or do it after "the deed" when he is in the sleepy after glow
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 7:33pm
| lol I'm afraid that I'm usually more sleepy than him after "the deed" |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 21 July 2006 at 11:49am
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I'm agreeing with Janine and Nikki on the whole 'there's never a time you really can afford a baby' thing - something will always come up, there'll always be expenses, but you're young and healthy (well, healthier now - congrats on getting the all clear from the Doc - that's great!) and I rekon that makes it a good time for babies. You're onto it with getting all the $ info for DH - sometimes I think men are programmed to automatically start adding up the sums when someone mentions babies! They'd probably say we're programmed to think 'babies' the moment we see an engagement ring though!! Ha ha. We'd agreed to have at least a year of marriage for just the 2 of us, but 9 months later when I suddenly felt so right about the idea of trying for a baby, my hubby was fine with that. No matter what you agree on, things can still change, eh. I've got to admit, the expenses of getting set up for a first baby do seem daunting sometimes, but we get at least 9 months to prepare, thank goodness, and there's constantly sales on baby essentials in the shops. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 21 July 2006 at 1:06pm
| and grandparents to get the good stuff, and trademe to get the others! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 21 July 2006 at 1:43pm
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I know.. men like facts and figures. So that's what I'm going to prepare for him. Hopefully that will also show him it's not just a phase and that I'm quite serious about it.
His parents said to us that they think people should wait a couple of years before having kids and we just kinda nodded and agreed as to not cause family rumours and also to keep them off our case. But we also said to ourselves that we will when it feels right. Now I have to continue working up the courage to talk about it again. I'm such a big wimp! lol |