Advice...
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32201
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Topic: Advice...
Posted By: AnOnYmOuS
Subject: Advice...
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 8:42pm
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I've made a new login because I don't want to be identified... Looooooong post to follow, and sorry if it's a bit all over the place!
DS's father (who I am not with) has a history of drug and gambling problems. He has recently decided to get help for this but has 'finished' after a couple of counseling sessions. Up until DS was about 7 months old, his father didn't really want anything to do with him, then he decided to try and sort his life out and since then wants to be a part in DS's life (now 11 months). For the record he is an extremely irresponsible and immature person. He stole alot from me, lied to me, etc (all part of the drug/gambling problem he kept a secret from me). He has been on the benefit since he left school, worked for 1 year then was fired and is not even trying to get a new job, has no motivation whatsoever, has no drivers license at all/can't drive a car) so isn't the best role model. I know that it's good for him to want to be a part in DS's life and he is showing that he genuinely cares and wants to be a father to him, he's making an effort with visiting etc... but I can't help this AWFUL feeling I have towards him. I want nothing more than for him to disappear and never ever come back. He has decided he wants more visiting rights and it is currently being dealt with through our lawyers. It makes me feel so sick that they could force me to let him take DS because of how irresponsible I know he is. He admits he still has a drug problem but is doing nothing more about it. He has no job. He can't even pick DS up because he can't drive. But I know he really does care about DS. I try to 'get over it' and think that it's the best thing for DS that his father wants to be in his life, but the horrible 'hate' feelings always come back. I just don't trust him in the slightest with the most precious thing in my life, DS is my EVERYTHING. Am I being totally selfish for not wanting him to have much to do with DS? (I can handle answers I don't want to hear!). How often would be 'normal' for him to visit? What would you do?! |
Replies:
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 8:49pm
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You are being selfish - and you have every right to be - you are protecting your most prized possesion against someone who has already shown he is not to be trusted for a number of reasons
Your son isnt in the position to tell you what he wants and you are his primary caregiver - its your call I would let him play with him in my back yard for 2 hours maybe twice a week, make the times - that suit you. Dont pick him up. Your son will see his father for what he is when he is older - lets just hope by then he has sorted his sh*t out Fight till the bitter end if it goes to court - imagine what could happen if your ex had your son when he was out of it Good luck chic ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: Caro07
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 8:52pm
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I am not sure I can help much but didn't want to read and run.
I don't think you are being selfish - your son is the most important thing in the world to you and you will want to protect him fiercely. I don't know what would be considered normal visitation. From what you have said it might be possible that visits will be supervised (maybe with his parents???). I can totally understand your worries, I'd be exactly the same. Sending virtual hugs  ------------- Caroline, SAHM to 2 boys, S (4 years old) and J (2 years old) 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 9:01pm
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I can understand where you are coming from.
However DS does have a right to have a relationship with his father, even if you and his father do not. Do you have a custody arrangement in place for DS? Are you able to stipulate that his visitations are supervised. His father might be a 'loser' but he's still his father. Have you talked to a lawyer or even a counsellor as to what is best for DS? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 9:09pm
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Hey there - likewise didnt want to read and run.... I think its a pretty tough position to be in, your son has a right to "know" his father, but you have to protect him as well. Is it possible for him to see DS with someone else present, ie a grandparent / Aunt / Uncle? Would that give you a level of comfort? The main thing that I would think goes against him (in a court setting) would prob be the drug issue - sadly being a loser / no motivation etc doesnt constitute being a bad parent, and if he can demonstrate that he wants a relationship with your DS and can put some mechanisms in place to look after him during visitations then I cant see why he wouldnt be allowed them. Make sure your lawyer is aware of the drug problems, and document ALL conversations / emails / texts between you and your ex. At the end of the day you have to do what is best for your boy, I do think its important for children to know their fathers, but I also think that if having a relationship with him (at this age) will do more harm than good, then its not worth the heartache! Good Luck! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AnOnYmOuS
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 9:13pm
| We are working on a parenting order at the moment. The current arrangement is for him to visit twice a week in my home for 1-3 hours depending on what time he gets here and when DS goes to bed. So the visits are always supervised by me. But he isn't happy with that he wants more time with him and doesn't like to be around me as he still 'loves me'. I don't want to be around him at all, it really feels like it ruins my life. He has a family member that I trust, so I am considering saying his family member could supervise a day visit in their home for a day or a morning or an afternoon one day a week, I would just have to get over the anxiety I would have leaving DS but at the end of the day I know he would be safe so long as his father was supervised. Would that be fair? If I agreed to that I think I would want a 'day to day' parenting order so I know that his father couldn't take off with DS. |
Posted By: ?Lolly?
Date Posted: 10 March 2010 at 10:26pm
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You can use a supervised contact centre. If you go through the family court you can probably ask for this and maybe even get it funded. Getting a parenting order in your favor should be pretty easy. The court will let him have visiting rights but it's just a matter of how much time he will get with him. I would suggest no matter what you get the care order in place.
I have been fighting my ex in the family court for two years now and we are still not really close to a resolution. My advice is make sure you have as much 'evidence' as possible to prove that he is a drug addict and that your son will be danger if left alone with him. Good luck, stick to your guns and remember that what you do your doing for your son. ------------- Captain Chaos (5) & the Trouble Monsters (2!) 
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 11 March 2010 at 6:53am
awww hun i kinda know how you feel james dad is a tottay dropkick lies,stealing ,drugs its a long storey now he tells people he wants to see james but then does nothing about it. i would get supervise vists either with the family member or something like barandoes big hugs i dont think you are being selfish you are trying to protect you son ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 11 March 2010 at 11:09am
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I don't think you are being selfish and I think you genuinely have your son's best interests at heart. The fact that you are having him (the ex) over for supervised visits twice a week shows that you are giving your son an opportunity to get to know his Dad while keeping your son safe.
You need to think about what you are prepared to offer and have an understanding of what your ex wants so you can agree on something. Given your son is only 11 months old I would have thought that two short visits, supervised, was enough and you could look at extending it to maybe one short visit through the week and a longer visit in the weekend once he was a little older. Is he currently reliable at turning up? How long has this arrangement been in place? I would probably request that he attend and complete a drug rehabilitation course, and perhaps a parenting course and that in six months time, subject to all of the above, you will consider reviewing the current visitation. Make it quite clear that there will be no unsupervised access until you have seen written approval from his counsellor that he has successfully completed the course and taken the steps needed to address his drug problem. Then the ball is back in his court. Good luck with it. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Be strong! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 11 March 2010 at 12:30pm
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excellent ideas jaz! ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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