Am I over-reacting??
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Topic: Am I over-reacting??
Posted By: confused
Subject: Am I over-reacting??
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:09pm
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I hate doing this but have resigned in so not to give myself away - cowardly I know
Anyway, Im really upset that DH has been watching porn on the internet! I knew ages ago he was but thought he wasnt anymore. The thing that gets me is that......we don't have sex anymore! Like 3 times since baby came along - who is now 2! We don't have sex anymore coz basicly we dont make time. I think he has got to the stage where he prefers the internet. I have bought sexy lingerie, bought some his and her lube stuff, massage oil.... I don't know if I am over reacting but I feel really really upset about it. I also feel dirty!? I have spoken to him about it and he says hes embaressed to talk about it. I feel like Im being cheated on. I would rather he had a couple of dirty mags coz the internet just goes too far. Sometimes I feel like leaving coz I just feel so disrespected. Am I over-reacting?? |
Replies:
Posted By: confused
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:12pm
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Oh I should add he says he loves me and would never cheat etc, but he justifies it by saying all guys do it.
The thing is I can't talk to anyone about it so it pisses me off. |
Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:13pm
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Tough one huh. I went thru this a few months ago but about strip clubs, so I totally get you. I think - and it's just my opinion - sit him down and just be like 'we HAVE to talk about this bla bla bla' Specially if it's making you feel so uncomfortable!
If he's embarrased about talking to you about porn, maybe he's the same about sex in real life and that's why you think he might be more interested in the internet? I'm sure once you can get him talking about it things will get sorted. Massive hugs going your way! Edit: Not ALL guys do it! Mine thinks internet porn is nasty. ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: confused
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:23pm
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Thanks - I think he just prefers the thrill of it online - more graphic. I reckon that normal sex isn't enough for him now.
When I do try to talk he things Im exagerating and being stupid. Men! 
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Posted By: MissAngel
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:26pm
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Bah its cuz you have the balls to confront him about it! And good on you for doing it too! I'm sure its not because normal sex isnt enough - maybe you do need to spice things up a bit, who knows! But yea, talk to him about it :D
The expect everything to be the same as it was pre-kids and it sure as hell isnt. ------------- Alex, Thomas and Lily http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:40pm
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I couldn't stand that... I'd go off my nut at him.... Ask him to give up the porn for you... ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: fallen
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:43pm
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I would and have felt majorly disrespected my partner doing this. I don't think you're overreacting at all. The only thing I can suggest is talking to him. Tell him how it makes you feel. ------------- |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:45pm
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Actually most guys do have a porn stash somewhere, I came across DH's and did my nut too, then I discussed it with a close friend and she'd had the same experience with her DH.
Talk to him about it, and talk to him about the lack of intimacy in your relationship, I'm thinking you wouldn't be reacting quite so much if things were better in the bedroom between the two of you. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:51pm
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oh my DH has a porn stash , its in a box in his drawer marked "anything " and then he has a brief case under the bed, I've seen both , had a good read even ....
Hugs confused, I don't have any advice , just sorry to hear you're feeling so awful ------------- 
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Posted By: confused
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 10:00pm
So true! If I was getting it, probably wouldnt be an issue! I dont mind dirty mags infact I even know my dad had some but some of those websites are a bit toooo up close and personal in the not sexy way!!! |
caliandjack wrote:Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 10:30pm
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I think this is one of those topics where women and split into two camps, one side doesn't mind/care about that kind of thing, and the other who is totally appalled/disgusted/upset.. Ultimately it's your relationship, so it doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks your overreacting. Sure, I'm in the don't mind/care camp, but it's not up to me to decide how you should feel about it.
And this is just for anyone reading, not necessarily directed at you.. From my perspective as someone who has worked in IT a long time (hence seeing many many PC's containing stuff they "shouldn't" - from guys you "wouldn't think" would be into it), and who has openly discussed this stuff with male friends - this is the stuff guys will often admit to someone who isn't their partner: -Just because a guy likes porn, doesn't make them a horrible person, or the sort of person who would cheat on their partner. - Pretty much any guy with internet access has looked at porn online. If they say they haven't, they're probably lying. It would be pretty rare to find a guy being totally honest about hating it. If you believe your man is one of those, good on you. - They watch because they like watching it, not because they're in love with the porn stars or want their partner to look like the stars they're watching. It's all about the visual stimulation of it all. That's it. - The guys who are "forced" not to watch it, will still find a way to watch it, but will be more careful not to get caught next time. You will only be more upset the next time you catch them. Again, all stuff I was told by members of the male species.. I believe it to be true though.. |
Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 10:35pm
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Oh..and I forgot to add..
- Guys ALWAYS prefer to have real "relations" over "talking to the hand" in private whilst watching porn. Don't believe that they wouldn't 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 10:50pm
oh yeah , I wasn't saying you shouldn't be upset (and im not saying you should ) about the internet sites, the internet is a lot more up close and personal , thats in a different league to the old dirty mag -------------
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 8:51am
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Is the bigger problem the sex you are not having? Or the actual porn? Or is it that he prefers the porn to having sex? (in your opinion?)
If it is not having sex. I bet if you go butt naked (once LO is asleep) and go straight up to him and say Lets do it. He will be making that number from 3 go up real fast. If it is the porn do option one quite often and then he might not feel like looking at porn ect. Or after one talk to him about how it makes you feel. Marriage and a relationship is about negotiating. So talk and negotiate. Give in a little and he will most probably give in a bit too. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 8:52am
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I dont think you are overreacting but I think in this situation actions will speak louder than trying to talk it out. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 9:05am
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I don't think you are overeacting if it has replaced your sex life. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 10:37am
Hugs 
Like has been said, ladies seem to fall into two camps on this one. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of it (because it's pointless to get into a debate about that), if your DH is doing something that hurts you and makes you feel insecure and unloved, he's not doing the right thing. I can only suggest taking it up with him and letting him know how it makes you feel. Surely he'd be a pretty hard-hearted person to continue doing something that makes you feel miserable, especially when it sounds like you're all keen to have a pretty hot sex life (and IRL stuff HAS to be better!) If it helps at all, I'd feel exactly the same as you, and it's not wrong to feel that way at all. -------------   
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 3:05pm
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you poor thing.. I really feel for you.
My DH can take it or leave it (porn that is) and Im not bothered either way, but I think its really sad that you may have lost the intimacy in your relationship, which must be the worst bit Id be really mad at him, but not cause he looked at other girls, but because he isnt making an effort. It could be intimacy issues for him, or trust things, or maybe he is feeling chubby or ugly or maybe he has performance anxiety..but whatever, you have to talk to him , and I think you will have to be bossy about it cause it kind of sounds like your living with a flatmate not a partner, and you have a child together, so its worth the fight honey Big hugs and best of luck, I hope it works out for you x ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 3:14pm
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I don't think you're over reacting at all. I've been in a similar situation and to me it was like cheating because it was an intimate thing done without my knowledge. However, I know not all girls feel that way.
ETA: In my case the guy in question said he liked the thrill of the forbidden rather than the actual acts he was watching. I believe that to be true so I would try not to feel like he prefers them to you - as that's probably not the case. -------------  
 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 3:15pm
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I would think you were over-reacting if he was simply looking at porn but because it is affecting your sex life I completely agree that you should be upset. I would be!
If he isn't willing to talk about it then it makes it pretty tricky but it is too important an issue just to put his head in the sand about. He is being completely unfair, make him listen!!! All the best. |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 3:25pm
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Are you more upset over the lack of sex or the porn??? I am in that other group and have no issues what so ever with porn so long as it is tasteful and not gross (kiddie etc). I know DH looks at it and it doesn't bother me as I am usually with him pointing out the fake bits and elling him at least mine is all real. If it is the lack of sex that is annoying you, tell him. Men usually need to be actually told these things. Also try date nighting again that way you can pull out everything you have brought. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 4:01pm
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I dont really think it matters what you think of porn to be honest. (That is why I didnt say what I personally think. like I say anything in marriage or relationship is negotiating. So if you are not happy talk to the other one and come to some sort of agreement. But sometimes with guys (specially with this) I think actions will be better.
Even if you just buy lingerie and put it on he might not even get it. They really are sometimes totally blind. Just tell him straight out Lets do it. Dont discuss, dont go on about he needs to do the following first. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Chickoin
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 5:38pm
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I agree with the 'lets do it' plan.
I know when my DH haven't done it in a long time it's like we both get too scared to make the first move because we do get a bit 'flatmatey' IYKWIM, however when one of us does make a move the other will always respond pretty quickly! No advice on the porn sorry chick. -------------   
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Posted By: confused
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 7:32pm
Aaaaw you girls are soo lovely! I really needed to talk to someone. Everyone thank you - all were valid points and makes me feel so much better. Pepsi thanks for the male point of view, that really helped too. I think its probably me not getting any that annoys me. Feel like we are flatmates and not making the effort. I hint but he doesnt take the hint! You are right - you have to god damn spell it out to men sometimes! 
So, I had it out with him tonight. Told him he is selfish and lazy and I miss the intimacy. Here is part of our conversation: ME: I think we should talk to someone about it, it is ridiculous, maybe they can help us sort it out whats wrong. DH: There is no way I’m talking to someone about it. ME: Go buy a couple of mags then if you need a w**k every now and again, I don’t mind, its just the internet is “real” people and it grosses me out. Dad had a couple of mags. DH: How do you know? See told you all guys do it. ME: I found them once. Maybe I should talk to him about it (this was said in my casual thinking out loud voice). DH: YOU BETTER NOT! I think I shocked him enough with that  ha ha
He said he knows he/we have to try harder and promises he will do. He wants another baby but I said not going to happen when he only wants to fertilise me at the right time of month, I want some fun first! |
Posted By: M2K
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 7:51pm
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hehehe, love his response! freaked out much hahaha.
Mine was put off (for a while after seeing me give birth, like a week which is long for him haha) clearly most of these pornstars havent had kiddies yet.. just stretched from other means
But maybe he sees you more as 'the mummy'?? Im not sure to be honest.. sorry not much help really ------------- 
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Posted By: LittleBug
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 8:37pm
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Personally I don't like if DH looks at internet porn, and he doesn't like to either... he said that it's just so accessible and if he's feeling down it's easy to do. He would never look at a magazine because he doesn't like the idea of porn so he wouldn't go out and buy it... but the internet is just a different story, because everything is so easy to access. He's started an accountability partner thing with another guy, to put him off, because it makes him feel bad and we both agree that we find it offensive and it's not something we want in our marriage.
I think it's definitely a problem if it's bothering you and affecting your sex life. And if it's upsetting you then your partner should respect that. I think the fact that he felt embarrassed about your Dad finding out about him looking at that stuff indicates that he is a bit ashamed of it. *hugs* I hope that you guys get it sorted soon, and that your sex life picks up a bit! Sucks when you can't be intimate with your other half. ------------- Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years). |
Posted By: _SMS_
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 9:02pm
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I guess im one of the people who really doesnt care.
DP knows full well that porn isnt 'real' and that id NEVER try any of the crap he may see on a porno, not matter how much he may ask. He doesnt do it often but occasionally the history is cleared and i know he was looking the night before. He only looked at porn when we were going through our rough patch after dd was born, i guess sometimes it annoyed me but it was me not putting out so i figured he could watch it. Now that our relationship is back to healthy i know he hasnt watched it for ages. From what you have described it sounds like you DH doesnt know how to approach you anymore because he is scared he will be turned down. Perhaps a night away from kids would help, have a romantic dinner, go to a movie, and back home to do the wild thing hehehe -------------  
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 9:51pm
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aw hope u work it out soon!
in our house we have to deal with "Boat Porn"...truly i think that is worse than the real thing sometimes....and im sure he would love to call a boat mistress one day!!! I am forever finding boat porn - and the internet boat porn is much worse! ugh I think I might have a bigger problem than you!
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 11:25pm
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I don't want to offend, but have you thought about getting some toys of your own and using them when you are in bed. He might get the hint that you have needs as well. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: palomino
Date Posted: 16 March 2010 at 2:47pm
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I know we went through a dry spell, and it was because he didnt want to ask/initiate because up till then i 99% of the time i said i was too tired/sore etc... Maybe he just needs to know you are ready to go again. Go sit on him and tell him you want him!
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Posted By: confused
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 6:54pm
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I do hint and he knows I want to,.
I don't know how to explain it I guess except that he is ....lazy...and addicted to the internet maybe...not in an addicted every night thing but likes the thrill of it. Oh I really don't know. I have thought of getting my own toy so maybe I should just do it! have my own fun
Bombshell dare I ask what "boat" porn is?? |
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 6:56pm
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I was wondering the same thing. -------------
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:07pm
| Ask him if he wants to go toy shopping WITH you and test drive whatever you decide to buy.. I'm sure that would get him very interested lol |
Posted By: ?Lolly?
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:23pm
sorry for the thread high jack ... but boat porn? Am I'm missing out on something? I'm too scared to google it for fear of what I might be 'flashed' up on my screen. ------------- Captain Chaos (5) & the Trouble Monsters (2!) 
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Posted By: snooze
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:24pm
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My ex used to do this and we didn't have sex for up to 7-8 months at a time. I hated it as I felt like a mate. I think the porn replaced me and he became quite addicted to it.
I have no advice as we split up (not over this issue), sorry. I just wanted to empathise and say that there are loads of other blokes who do it too. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:26pm
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I've not read all replies but I got the impression that you feel DH's interest in porn has replaced intimacy with you. If that's the case the real issue is reigniting that flame.
How would you feel about donning your sexiest lingerie, opening a bottle of wine and watching a porn movie with your DH (or if you can't bring yourself to watch it there are other things you could do to him while he's watching it ). If you're serious about getting a sex toy for yourself he might enjoy watching you use it.
If that's not something you're willing to do maybe give him a taste of his own medicine eg you could change your screensaver to shots of half naked sexy men etc. -------------  
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Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:36pm
Haha ladies, I believe Bombshell is actually referring to magazines about boats! 
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Posted By: confused
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:58pm
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LMAO - penny drops!!!
Snooze that is how I feel! Im a bit...embaressed I think about using toys around him. I guess I shouldnt be after 11 years together but we havent done that before. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 8:03pm
| Could always get him to use one on you.. all the guys I know would be drooling for their partner to give them that kinda offer lol |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 8:04pm
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No don't be go and buy something you like and hopefully he will get the hint you need satisfing too. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: ?Lolly?
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 9:15pm
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OMG - Boat porn I almost wet myself with laughter. I thought there was some new type of porn that I wasn't up to the play with haha ------------- Captain Chaos (5) & the Trouble Monsters (2!)
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