Have your say!
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32268
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Topic: Have your say!
Posted By: Katherine
Subject: Have your say!
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 11:47am
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Dear OHbaby! Members, Meet Sarah Barnett, a staff writer with New Zealand Listener. Sarah is writing a story on modern parenting and would love to ask some questions of our members. This special thread is for Sarah to get in touch with you, and for you to possibly have a stab at fame if you say something witty and pithy and she ends up publishing it! Please give Sarah a warm welcome and help her to feel at home. :) Katherine |
Replies:
Posted By: sarahmb
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 12:03pm
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Hi everyone,
and thanks in advance for your time and thoughts. As Katherine said, I'm working on a story on modern parenting and have a couple of ideas I'd like to discuss. For what it's worth, I don't have kids (yet!), but I'm a very proud Aunty of one and one-on-the-way; my sister's a member here :-) I have a couple of ideas I'd like to discuss: First, how do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures? Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? This story came about because my GP gave me a rev-up to have kids, as I'm 31 - has anyone else felt that pressure coming from other people about their biological clock? it seems to me that women are well aware of their fertility - but that doesn't mean there are a heap of guys out there in their 20s dying to have kids! There's a lot of discussion overseas about how to encourage people to have children younger - what do you think might work - if it's even necessary? Anyway, that's probably more than enough for now. Thanks all! (BTW, I'm happy to quote people as their usernames, but if you're happy for your real details to be used, feel free to email me privately at sarah.barnett@listener.co.nz) |
Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 1:01pm
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Hi Aunty Sarah!
I've already given my two-cents worth, but I'll be watching with interest. I hope you get what you're after 
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Posted By: KitKat
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 1:47pm
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Where to begin!!! wow..
Id say there are some pretty hot/heated topics on OB already thatd make good research material, and give u a glimpse into modern day parenting challenges... In my experience, everyone seems extremely opinionated when it comes to parenting.... most of all, the pros.... Watching with interest.... Something I will say that wont generate a debate is:- One thing I do, and a lot of my friends do, which deffinately wouldnt have happened even 5 years ago let alone a whole generation, is blogs. We use blogs to keep our family and friends updated on the wee ones. ------------- 
http://www.littlegreenfruit.blogspot.com - Little Green Fruit |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 1:48pm
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I will have a think about this some more - but my first thoughts (albeit not very well formulated) how do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures? I think that fundamentally parenting today is a lot more about choice, we have choices that our parents never had. I guess a lot of this is about the generation that we have been raised in – the “me” generation, Gen Y, whatever you want to call it, I think we are all a lot more selfish (in a good way) therefore the choice to have kids is normally a selfish one, rather that feeling its “just what you do” or feeling it was expected of you. I do think that there are a lot more pressures on parents today though – we have information overload as new parents, there is a book / article / dvd / study / web page etc on just about every possible question or challenge – which can make it really hard to know what is right / wrong / normal. It can put a lot of pressure on new mummies who are naturally nervous anyway. Interestingly I don’t think this is a new thing – its just a larger amount of information and the availability of it that’s an issue these days. My mum reckons she used to get a lot of unsolicited advice from women on the bus, in the shops etc, but she thinks that back then - that was how you learnt things. Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? I don’t think that parents are a lot more protective – I think its all about the amount of information. We are a LOT more aware of the dangers to our children now (predators, accidents, allergies etc etc) than we used to be, therefore it feeds the paranoia that you need to protect your kids at all costs.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: sarahmb
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 1:53pm
| Thanks everyone so far - another thing I'm thinking about is the number of women now who have babies over the age of 30 (I'm 32). I'm developing a theory that we're so bombarded with info about your declining fertility and the rise in risks and difficulties, as my GP told me in full, at that age, that it's no wonder if we are a bit more overprotective when we do have kids! |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 2:24pm
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I am 33 and had #1 at 31 and we are TTC #2, I think that my DH feels it more than me - he is early 40s, he is paranoid that he will be "too old" to kick a ball around with his grandkids.... We do seem to be bombarded with messages about declining fertility, but on the other hand we also get a tonne of info about what to eat / drink/ wear / listen to / etc in order to be "fertile" that when it doesnt happen straight away we wonder what is wrong with us!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: xLUCKYx
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 2:24pm
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So many times after having my kids my Mum or Grandmother mentioned they wished they had PPL in their day - while I was moaning about the fact that it wasn't enough. I think there was less financial support, and also less resources and information - not to say that there wasn't any but as SimSam mentioned above, as Mums we now have so many choices available, and with each choice there is also judgement. My Mum had no choice but to use cloth nappies for us, as while disposables were available they were expensive and not essential. Now there is such an abundance of MCN's on the market (Modern Cloth Nappies) even though diposable nappies are cheap and readily available. There are so many more 'necessities' than there used to be that new Mum's may feel bombarded by everything they 'need'.
We are also more strict on our children in some ways yet more lenient in others. I am a parent of young children so have not much to say of my own experience on this but as children we were outdoors all day, in the bush, at the beach, running around and being crazy, climbing tree's etc, getting filthy basically. This is probably a general comment but I really don't see that happening much anymore - and it can't really in some ways. Children do require more supervision as there are more percieved risks. So we are more strict in that kids are more supervised while participating in outdoor activities, however I think we are now more lenient with the use of technology, computers, tv, and cell phones. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 2:29pm
------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
sarahmb wrote:Posted By: Katherine
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 2:29pm
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I can speak to that last point, Sarah -- I'm just about to turn 32 and fertility has definitely been something on my mind lately, especially because I'm so aware of the issues (doing the job that I'm doing!). I don't feel financially or emotionally "ready" to have another child yet -- for me it's partly to do with pregnancy, which I don't cope well with and am not keen to relive -- but biologically I feel that I should get my A into G. And if I want to have more children, I'll need to do it relatively quickly, because the older I get, the more negative things can happen... I think that women of our generation are having less babies, later in life, and that makes us more protective -- because generally, once a woman is on her second and subsequent children, she's a bit more relaxed and chilled out. We tend to focus all of our angst on the first one (the "practice" child) because we don't know what we're doing the first time around, but then as we gain more confidence and feel more empowered as mums, we relax a bit more and go with the flow, and stop hovering so much. I also do think that we have too much information at our disposal in some cases -- when our children get sick, the first thing we do is goodle their symptoms, and then fill our minds with all sorts of scary possibilities. I remember calling my mother freaking out about some spots on my daughter's back, thinking they were measles (because I'd asked my friend Google what they could be), and they turned out to be bug bites... |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 2:57pm
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Hi Aunty Sarah
Well I'm going to buck the trend then, I'm 36 and pregnant with my first child, my husband and I tried for 12 months to get this little bean, and that's perfectly normal for someone at my age. I did feel pressure from a lot of different avenues regarding my age, however its my life and my body, and having children earlier to please other people was never an option. It is now of course 36 years since my mother raised me, sadly she isn't around any more - and this is one of the sad side-effects of children older. I don't feel like an older mum, most days I still feel 25. I think in some ways its more difficult being a parent now, as we have to make a lot more decisions as there is so much more choice. When I was born everyone was expected to do the same thing and so they got on and did it. When I came across my old plunket book, I had to giggle at what was recommended in the 70's. Orange juice at 3 months of age for vitamin C, I was put on full fat cows milk at 6 months of age to help me feel full and settled. Everything was about routine, no such thing as demand feeding back then. I do think society in general is more protective, we've a larger population, more immigrants, cars on the road and other dangers - like kids having access to the internet etc that weren't around when I was younger. However I live in the Manawatu and kids here still walk and ride their bikes to school every day, they hang out at the skate park till it gets dark, and its relatively safe. We are however about to shift to Hobsonville and there is no way I'd let my child cross the busy Upper Harbour Drive. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 3:58pm
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re the age thing i dont like pregnancy either (besides my gorgeous boys):) but did have them close together(2 year exactly but had a mc when E was 10 months) so E could have a sibling and because my age was against me and I was worried about the risk factors..
I am certainly much more overprotective than my parents were.. especially with my first but am learning to relax and not be so much that way with number two:) I guess the over protectiveness is partly because of the way society unfortunately is nowadays and not as safe to say go out for hours on end exploring:( I think parenting is hard in whatever generation but we have a lot more comforts(PPL , WFF, disposable nappies etc) to make it easier but also a lot more in the way of drugs etc available to kids.. I didnt feel any pressure to have children ..except that i put on myself due to being the only one who can have children in my family and my hubby wanted kids before he was 40 as well partly so he wouldn't be an old Dad and also cause his Dad died at 40. I do also think that in my parents day there was more family support often... though perhaps less in the way of coffee groups etc but they learnt how to be a parent from their mother etc... My Mum was saying they were taught to sleep us on our tummies and full fat milk at 7 months ...so in some ways it's good we have learnt more and smoking and drinking also happened much more during pregnancy ..so in some ways we have learnt a lot about pregnancy and fetal health since their generation. I am glad that my son had food issues in this generation as they can be fixed and seen to quickly rather than ignored as was the case often in the last few generations..saving him a lot of discomfort etc.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 4:00pm
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I'm only 26, so can't answer the last question, although I was told to have kids sooner rather than later because I have endo. For the rest though...
First, how do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? I don't think it's different so much, because the babies are still exactly the same - they do the same thing, at the same time. Like someone else said, it's more that we have more knowledge, and are quick to jump on problems because we have the knowledge to recognise them...whereas back then they were possibly thought of as just normal things. I know when my girls were diagnosed with reflux my mum made it clear she thought reflux didn't even exist, it was just something doctors made up when they didn't know what was wrong (my mum is in her mid 60s). We also got grief from DH's grandma about offering solids AFTER milk, because they never did that. MIL also can't understand why I don't hold the girls over a potty straight after a feed so that they get used to peeing in one. Possibly, we can be lazier and therefore look for the easier options, whereas back then they did it the tried and true method instead. What are the new pressures? I think we're more worried about keeping up with the Jones' - having new things, having enough toys, pretty or label clothes, formula feeding vs breast etc. There's also the financial aspect which comes to the fore, in order to be able to afford these things, it's common for both parents to need to work. Also there is pressure to own your own home, which can either delay children, or increase financial pressure. Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? I think that sometimes we overprotect our kids...I know some parents who don't let their kids get dirty, or play in the dirt, or they are forever sanitising hands etc. Personally I'm not sure how they are supposed to build up an immune system without being exposed to any germs. That's just my opinion however. |
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 4:03pm
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Well ok, heres a wee bit from me.. there are many things that influence 'trends ' in child rearing, so it is just a grain of salt really
Im maybe an older Mum, being 31 when I had I had my first, and now am 33 and pregnant with my second While I dont care much for people criticizing anyones views on whats best for their child, with on safe parameters of course, there are a few things that really get my goat, obviously things that I view as negatives Firstly... people assume Im too young, and yes Im younger looking, but not young, and Im a hell of a lot older than what my mum and Nan were when they began having children.. so what these days is too young! People often assume that because Im home during the day, Its not by choice, as in I cant get work or its a lifestyle choice as in I dont want to work - I guess thats besides the 24/7 job I already have! I even had an older lady , who would have been maybe 60ish ask if my daughter saw here dad much - I assume thats cause Im not wearing a wedding ring - we are one happy family, with no intentions of that changing Its odd that In my opinion we should be supporting Mums or dads to be at home with a child for as long as possible, both financially and intellectually, yet I have made that choice and am the odd one out so to speak - the government needs to recognise the positive gains of 'parenting' children,and provide support - not just to those below certain income levels - why should married or qualified parents have to choose? And most of all what I find annoying is that its often the blue rinse girls that look down their noses at me, when Im doing exactly what they did, without the ring, and older I guess in the end your damned if you do and your damned if you dont- and there are so many different influences / pressures it hard to say which is one has the strongest influence ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 4:27pm
Lol I don't think you are old at all, in fact I think you are in your prime child bearing years. Just my opinion though. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 4:56pm
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Well i thought so too caliaandjack - but then now I have come into contact with lots of woman who are either 5 years younger or older then me, where as I expected there would be loads more mums my age ------------- http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: rachndean
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 5:22pm
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Rasberryjam that is really well put. I find myself in a similar situation, but at the other end of the scale. I am 25 with 3 children, when people find that out they pull out the "oh, you arent old enough to have 3 children" routine. Im sorry, but I didnt realise I needed persmission to have babies?
I also very strongly agree that there are WAAAYYY too many resources available to our ever searching hands,and they all seem to contradict themselves. One of my favourite quotes from some of the mummy's here is "google is NOT your friend!!". I find that the "routine" discussion is an interesting one. A lot of parenting seems to be a lot more structured? But that is just my opinion
Minik8e, you're bang on with the keeping up with the Jones'. A good example of that is the MB, Phil and Teds debate. I sometimes take a step back and look at my kids and think "my god, when did I become so obsessed in kids clothes!?!", my 6 year old has a wardrobe I would kill for!! sad huh!!!  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
DD Savannah 18.01.04 DS Austin 04.09.08 |
Posted By: sarahmb
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 5:32pm
| rachndean - that's an interesting one, isn't it? One of the women here at work is pregnant at 24, and I admit my first reaction was that she's so young! I have to remind myself that, actually, 24 is grown up. I know she felt self-conscious about it, too - I think a lot of people reacted the same way. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 7:17pm
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The wrapping up in cotton wool question.. yup I totally think that kids are these days compared with when I was a kid (I'm almost 25). Our yard is "childproof" as in we have tall fences and gates so that we can shut everything and Daniel can't get out. We have a fish pond but it has netting overtop so he can't drown in it and he has free rome of our yard with and without me watching. I've had some people here who are mortified that I let him do that... yet at the same age when I was growing up my brother and i were allowed to rome around our yard, climb up trees, play in the garage full of tools and cars and get dirty as hell.
I see parents at the park and sometimes at the beach who get all concerned about their kids getting dirt on their clothes while I'm the one with the boy who runs straight into the water shoes, clothes n all and I think its great. I feel sorry for the kids who aren't allowed to get their precious expensive pumpkin patch clothing dirty. Then if we eat lunch at the beach and his food gets a bit of sand on it and he doesn't care neither do I, but I've seen other mums at the beach totally freak out about that. I know as a kid I ate sand, dirt, mud, horse poo (yes I really did), worms, bark.. everything. The age thing I can't really help with cause I'm nearly 25. I was married 1 week after my 21st bday. When I went horse trekking with a friend who is in his late 30s I got asked if I was his daughter wtf!! so I look young to some people obviously and I'm like rachndean with feeling of needing permission to want to do these things. I did not want to be an "older" mum, I wanted to be able to have the energy to enjoy my kids, enjoy grandkids and travel etc later in life when I'm likely gonna have more money much like my in laws have done and enjoy my own country in the mean time. But it seems this goes against the trend to lots of people these days. I dare anyone to express their negative opinions to me though 
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Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 7:20pm
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Aww, Hannie's famous Aunty Sarah!
Anyway I'm at the other end - was 22 when I had my first, 25 with my second. Both were planned - I'd been married for nearly 2 years when I had my first, had travelled and got a degree and was working in my chosen career. In my coffee group (antenatal group) I am by far the youngest...... so I guess this shows that women ARE generally waiting longer before having kids, for whatever that reason is. I haven't felt like people look down on me cos I'm young (though I did have "but you're so young!" comments with my first), but I do wonder if that is cos I'm married and have had life experience etc. How do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures? I think because we have soooooo much more information available to us, there is a lot more choices to make. Therefore we feel the pressure to make the RIGHT decisions.... and boy there is a lot of things to decide about! Nappies (cloth or disposable), sleeping (own bed/cot/parents bed/dummy/cuddly), childcare (home/kindy/daycare/playcentre/in home care/creche), discilpline (time out/gentle disipline/distracting/dare i say it smacking), carseats (extended rear facing / turn them around), solids (start at 4 months/wait as long as possible), medicine (doctor/natural/vaccinate/don't vaccinate).... and those are only a few of the things we have to decide! I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to research and do the "right" thing for our child... whereas I think in our parents day, they wouldn't have had nearly as many choices. I think there's also pressure to give your kids opportunities...... so many 'activities' are out there, and I wonder if sometimes kids don't have enough time to just "be" and potter around home. Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? I think yes some parents are overprotective - but of course not all. I think parents do get generalised these days and it's not fair. For example, since my boy was 20 months old I've let him play loosely supervised in our full fenced backyard.... complete with big hill of dirt he climbs, sticks he whacks, and trampoline he bounces on (with no nets, gasp). He'll happily potter around while I glance occassionally out the window. But then that's a sensible risk if you know what I mean - I know he might fall over and skin his knee, but he's not in huge danger. He's never fallen off the tramp because he knows it's high, and if he trips he comes inside for a quick kiss and then is off again. But when it comes to stuff in public where it's unpredictable, I'm totally different - always keeping an eye on him. Who knows if he decides to run off and get lost, or run in front of a car, or...... well, someone could take him - it is a risk. I think when he's older I will be selective about where he goes too... because of the dodgy people about I want to protect my boys from possibly being exposed to or abused or worse..... from not only adults, but kids their age or older. We do hear about crap that happens out there and I know I would never forgive myself if something happened to my kids because I let them go somewhere by themselves. I think perhaps that is why parents are more overprotective these days..... we hear all about the things that happen out there, and want to avoid it happening to our kids. Well that was very rambly and off the top of my head!! ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 7:22pm
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Oh and one thing I think has changed in 'recent' years is the way that kids dress, girls especially. They are dressed in a way that my mum would have killed me for dressing as a kid in primary/intermediate school, and that was hardly a long time ago. Its terrible how sexualised girls clothing is.. with short shorts, real mini skirts.. all mini versions of an older age groups clothes. Its tragic seeing a girl of 10 going down the street in a tiny tank top, mini and pair of knee high boots.
And I don't care if its contraversial but then people are dumb enough to wonder why girls get pregnant or have sex so young when their world has become so sexualised at a younger age? And all the more tempting for the perverts in this world. |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 8:21pm
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First, how do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures?
I think our parents did it somewhat as 'par for the course'. It was just what you did. Marriage, kids, Dad went to work and Mum stayed at home. There are so many choices now; career, travel, big houses, flash cars etc etc. It can be hard to fit kids into the 'big' plan. I totally believe that the new pressures are mostly what we as Mothers put on each other - we are trying to start to educate our children in-utero, we compare breastfeeding timelines as if we are gold medalists at the olympics, we crucify ourselves if we microwave their formula or use a bottle with a BPA in it, We are frowned upon if we raise our voice in anger or God forbid if we are evil enough to spank - either of these forms of discipline will of course send our little darlings to a life time of self doubt and counselling. There is the 'daycare versus stay-at-home-mum' debate, and if the Daddy doesn't bath the baby and spend enough rough and tumble time with them, then the child will be headed towards insecurity and confidence issues. On top of this you have to consider baby wearing, co-sleeping, routine versus no-routine, baby led weaning, preservative free food, gluten free, dairy free, peanut free, egg free... aahhhhh the list goes on! I believe we have over complicated parenting and the one thing it leads to - parent guilt!! Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? Yes I do think this is fair, we are definately more overprotective of our kids, sometimes for good reason and sometimes not. For me examples of going too far (and I know this will be controversial) is nets on trampolines. Yes yes I know that there are statistics for accidents involving netless trampolines, but good grief! Children need to be taught that there are edges and boundaries! There is nothing that beats a bit of parent supervision. I bet just as many (if not more) kids get hurt on public playground climbing aparatus. I come from the generation where our parents sent us out to play with the kids from up the road in the morning and didn't see us until dinner time. I must admit that I can't see myself doing this with my Daughter, ever. I don't know if there is anymore risk now or it is just perceived risk. There certainly is more media about the horrible things that can happen and I couldn't take that risk. However, I do hope that my Daughter will do things like catch the bus to school, and that I won't be so paranoid that I won't allow this. I heard that they were going to bring in needing permits to build tree houses because of safety issues - bureacracy like that ruins childhood! Has anyone else felt that pressure coming from other people about their biological clock?There's a lot of discussion overseas about how to encourage people to have children younger - what do you think might work - if it's even necessary? My DH had a vasectomy when he was 29 and I was 25 as we didn't think children featured in our future plans. Fast forward 5 years and lo and behold that blasted clock did start to tick for both of us. So a reversal was done but after a few more years and finally some correct testing we were found to have male factor infertility. So at 2 weeks shy of my 34th birthday I gave birth to my beautiful IVF baby girl. When we chose to have the vasectomy we did feel alot of pressure, or at least alot of opinions from people who didn't agree with our decision and thought our life would be incomplete without children. I of course cannot imagine my life now without my Daughter and I'm glad I followed that path in the end, but I do believe that you can have a complete and happy life without children too. As for encouraging younger people to have children, I don't know if it is possible or sensible. You could do things like a cash incentive, but then is it just encouraging inappropriate people in inappropriate positions to reproduce? The economy will have an interesting effect, it could go either way - do people decide to have children as they can't afford to do all those other things (travel, buy big houses, fast cars, etc)? Or do they think that they can't afford children? ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Shadowdance
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 8:27pm
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Thanks everyone so far - another thing I'm thinking about is the number of women now who have babies over the age of 30 (I'm 32).
My twins were born when I was 38 and I am now currently pregnant with baby number 8....and I will be 42 in May. Although fertility may be said to decline as we get older, I also think that for some people, this is just the right time for them to be thinking of having a family. They may be more settled, they may have just less drama's in general and I honestly believe that stress is a HUGE infertility factor. Unfortunately like so many, I have rotten pregnancies, spending most of it in hospital etc but I love ALL my children and don't regret a moment. As for being over protective....I'm of the firm belief that children should be children. My girls all love playing outside, getting as dirty as possible and just generally having fun. In saying that, they also love their bath that will scrub it all off again. Being a parent - is hard work. And I think that while society can be hard on us, it's our sense of failure that is the hardest. We need to remember that not only are we parents but that we are also human. I know I have had days where I've raised my voice at the twins, only to see their little faces drop and I just feel like the worst Mum in the world. I've had major issues with teenagers where I wondered where on earth I went wrong and I'm surprised I have any hair left after pulling most of it out. But one thing I always remained true to....my children ALWAYS knew (and know) that they are loved. I may not like them at a specific moment, but I always love them. And I've taught them the difference. Those problem teenagers are now the most amazing adults and I am proud of them. One thing I do hate about the times now is how children just expect things because such and such from school has them. In my day we got a sandwich and a piece of fruit and maybe some baking if Mum had the time. Now they want all this other stuff which is rubbish. Luckily my kids seem to also like things like carrot sticks etc so that's something I try to focus on. They want the latest video machine, rather than being outside playing footy with Dad or just generally being in the fresh air. I guess it all comes down to what you make of it.....and we should all make the best :) Anyhow I've rambled on a bit now lol so i'll sign off ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 10:42pm
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In our parents day ... hmm they didnt have computers and blogs and message boards, instead they had their neighbours, and real life relationships ... was it better? i think some of their problems were simpler. they didnt have the whole daycare debate and the mummy guilt associated with that aspect as most of them stayed at home. And i know in my mums day they all did things the same. they stayed in hopsital the week they were supposed and were all told to wake their babies at this time, bath them at this time, feed them at this time and when they went home that is what they did. i dont think they questioned things so much. i remember too my mum telling me that you shouldnt leave babies cry longer than ten mins, in case they get a hernia. Now we have parents who think they should let their babies cry for hours on end or who agonise over how long they should let their precious bub cry for or even if they shold cry at all. I used to chuckle to myself imaging a whole street of mothers bathing their kids at 10 am every morning.
Are parents more over protective? Hell yeah, but then we have to be. Cars go faster, criminals are more daring, communites arent as close, people dont know their neighbours or their neighbours kids... We provide secure environments - like enclosed mall playgrounds etc - and we still dont let them explore and we hover too much...but i wonder if that aspect of over protectiveness is due more to the age of some of the mothers i see hovering and not daring to let their child climb or run or meet new kids without constant supervision or intervention. It seems to me that mothers are either very young or getting on - mums in their twenties seem to be the minority now. i am an older (ish) mum. I had my last child just before i turned 40. I wish i had started earlier though. I worry about leaving my kids too young, i worry about not being able to keep up with them... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 10:44pm
oh i so agree with you on that! four years dressed like hookers in CFM boots really gets on my goat!  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: KitKat
Date Posted: 16 March 2010 at 8:38am
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Age thang-
my SIL is 36. I am 30 and very healthy, prepared months in advance, but wasnt stressing over getting preggo. It took me 4 months and 1 miscarriage, and she was on the pill for years, then got preggo the month she came off it. Go figure.... what are the chances??....... Age and fertility is a funny thing. I agree with Shadowface- if the time is right etc etc itll happen (on that note- 8 kids!!! how do you do it girl!! I admire you!) The odds game also played a big part in my experiences from the start. We went through various tests at the almost 'pressure' of familiy in law (medical backgrounds)..... and kept getting faced with 'odds' and 'chances' of abnormalities. to relate it back to the same situation.... The chances for our baby having a cromosomal abnormality was 1:162.... but for SIL it was 1:2500. Personally in hinesight- Id rather not have juggled with figures and odds.... my boy is perfect no matter what. Age seemd irrellevant, The other 'pressure' I found was the pressure to make breastfeeding work, when it obviously wasnt for a variety of reasons... no lactation consultant would be able to 'fix'. There was complete lack of support for non breastfeeding mums.....Back in our parents day- it was almost the flipside ironically. talk about swings and roundabouts. (please-I dont want to start a debate- this was just my experience) -------------
http://www.littlegreenfruit.blogspot.com - Little Green Fruit |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 16 March 2010 at 10:45am
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I have experienced being a younger mum and an older mum as I had my first child at 21 and my second child at 33 and the experience has been completely different the second time around. For a start I was much more ready to be a mum the second time and I had a much better understanding of the commitement I was making. When I was younger I thought I understood, but I think I saw mostly the short term changes and didn't fully comprehend the massive life long committement I was making.
I am undoubtedly more protective this time around and whether that is a product of increased knowledge, age or awareness of the dangers I am unsure, however, I do believe it necessary to be more watchful of our children in this day and age as there are in my opinion many more dangers, for example internet predators, text bullying and sexting. However, I do at times find myself being somewhat overprotective, for example I hate my daughter climbing climbing frames. I loved my first child more than I ever imagined possible but I don't think I appreciated her as much as I have appreciated my second child. I am constantly finding myself amazed at the awesomeness of human development when I watch her and see her change day to day. I find it incredible that in two short years she has crammed in so much learning and growing - with my first, I of course thought she was amazing, but I took a lot more for granted. ETA- I was in a rush this morning and didn't finish this post LOL... my point was I think when deciding what age to have children it is a matter of weighing up issues with declining fertility and increases in problems in pregnancy and fetal development with readiness to be a parent and ability to provide for both the emotional and physical needs of the child. Also medical advances and the ability for early detection of fetal abnormalities in my opinion, have made it much less risky for woman who decide to leave having their first children until a little later. ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: kellie
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 12:19am
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Yes there is alot of PC crap out there these days, but that doesn't mean that most of this generation follows it. Alot of us go on advice from our mothers.
Regarding late pregnancies, I really think that later gestations are alot more commonly accepted. Yes you will feel the pressure from those well meaning people in your life, but due to massive medical advancements you are alot better off then the past. That is not to say that all women over 30 will have probs, most won't infact. There is nothing wrong with having children later in life, it could indeed be better. ------------- 
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Posted By: tarns
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 7:53am
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Hi Sarah
I am an older first time mum (late 30's) and honestly I didn't feel bombarded with declining fertility messages....I think perhaps because I wasnt interested at all in having children when I was younger I walked around with my fingers in my ears going `blah blah blah' and never got the message. Imagine my surprise when my GP told me that my age, coupled with my weight and some endometriosis meant she estimated my likelihood of success as about 5%!!!!  I was pretty shocked...just assumed because I was still cycling regularly etc that if I wanted to get pregnant I could.
Thankfully after 9 months I did get pregnant and have a gorgeous boy. Knowing I was fighting the odds I have not been preventing since he was born and trying actively for about 9 months now and so far no luck......I fear I may have left my run a bit late but will be forever grateful for the blessing I have. So I will admit to being `guilty' of warning others about declining fertility because I honestly had NO idea how much more difficult it was to conceive after you reach 30. ------------- 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 3:17pm
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On the age topic I am of the opinion that having a baby later in life is a better decision than earlier. I am 33 and we have just decided to have a baby now although my husband and I have been married for four years and together for seven. We have never been ready until now and also never had the urge to have kids (we still don't really feel that way inclined). We both have careers that we love, have paid off a large portion of our mortgage, regularly travel and have friends and hobbies. We spend a lot of time alone together with no stresses, no money worries and have great discussions about our future and plans.
When I think back to my early 20s there was no way that I was emotionally ready to have a baby. It's scary to think that I could have chosen that route and could have had a 10 year old by now! I had no idea who I was back then, I went through three different relationships, had no financial stability or any clear ideas for the future. Now that I am in my early 30s I feel like a completely different, improved version of myself and I have the two things that I think are key to bringing a baby into the world: a healthy relationship and financial stability. There is so much societal pressure on us as a couple to have a baby and it seems to increase with each year that goes by. There are the people that continually ask "when are you having a baby?" as if it is a given and then there are the people that never ask which makes me wonder if they think that we have fertility issues and don't want to discuss it. The pressure also increases as all of our friends start families. We tend to socialise more with our childless friends as we feel as if we have more in common with them. (Parents talk about their kids a lot!) In terms of being an older parent, I don't really see it that way as most people are doing things later in life now. If I have a baby in the next year or so I will still only be 55 when they are 20, which to me sounds young! Plus I will never stop working, my career will keep me sane and the fact that we have built solid foundations in our lives will hopefully make for a stable, happy family environment. |
Posted By: MaeBeeBaby
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 8:04pm
What about women who DON'T have babies over the age of 30? I think we need to get more of a focus on this in New Zealand, and get the Private Care costs significantly reduced - especially for those of us who have no other option but to seek Specialist help because we have met our partners/husbands 'later' in life, or have had trouble conceiving and now feel like we are running out of time as we get into that 'just under 40' age group, or 'just over 40' age group. Sorry to hijack but I think we deserve MORE emphasis on this in our country - just look at what we pay for private care compared to Australia! |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 17 March 2010 at 8:56pm
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Hi & welcome to Oh! Baby.
How do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures? Parenting probably is different...'though not necessarily harder than in our parents day. I'd say it has always been a"hard" role as children are constant and parents are human...we all have our own needs and parenting often necessitates that we put those needs to the background. This is a good thing but every parent finds it hard at times. Children are individuals and hence there is no "one size fits all"...herein is possibly where the biggest difference lies. Nowadays there is so much information and there are so many differing views/theories are available at the click of a mouse or a quick call to plunket or similar. Every view is seen as "the best" or "the only" way by its followers. In the past people would raise their children based on their own instincts, perhaps with some input from immediate friends and family. Now we are bombarded with ideas and theories which sometimes make it hard for us to step back and hear/ see our babies cues. Parents have to learn to filter the information & comments that they recieve and in doing so can feel stressed and confused. As mentioned, all children are different and yet some people don't seem to make allowances for that and think that if "it" worked for them then "it" will work for everyone....this is not always the case. Often these differences are no big issue but at times they can cause division, stress and uncertainty for parents. Parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? Yes, I would absolutely agree. However, I have not yet determined whether this is a widespread issue or just an over-advertised issue amongst middle NZ. Parents need to do what feels right to them (within reason of coures) and in the face of bombardment with different theories etc, that often means obsessing over every detail from whether the mattress is wrapped to concerns about ruining their childs hips from using the wrong carrier to whether to let your child walk to school with the school bus etc etc. I suspect parents have always followed a "better to be safe than sorry" mentality but the increase in information available means this method can become suffocating for us and our children. This will be controversial but I also feel there is an element of guilt associated in the over-protection in some cases. Not suggesting that parents should feel guilty because of their choices but simply that we all do at times. We love our children so much we want what is best for them and if we have to compromise in one area we unwittingly compensate in another. This story came about because my GP gave me a rev-up to have kids, as I'm 31 - has anyone else felt that pressure coming from other people about their biological clock? it seems to me that women are well aware of their fertility - but that doesn't mean there are a heap of guys out there in their 20s dying to have kids! There's a lot of discussion overseas about how to encourage people to have children younger - what do you think might work - if it's even necessary? Not sure on this one. I had my first at 26 and that was after 2 years of trying and fertility treatment. I have many friends who have had kids in their 40's and haven't seemed concerned about decreasing fertility. However, based on media reports etc I would say that people do worry about decreasing fertility passed 30 BUT feel that waiting until they have X Y or Z (financial security, more life experience etc) outweigh the age concerns. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: JessDub
Date Posted: 18 March 2010 at 8:03am
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First, how do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures?
One of the new pressures - as opposed to my mum - is one of returning to work/career vs being a SAHM. I'm a full-time SAHM - which is rare in my circle of peers. When I meet new people and we do the 'what do you do?' line of introductions, saying 'SAHM' as opposed to my old career role (which some perceived as being fun or even glamorous) I find myself explaining it an apologetic manner. Don't ask me why, when being a SAHM is the hardest yet best job I've ever had. Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? Quite a few years ago, pre-kid, I visited a hill tribe in northern thailand. The little kids - toddlers even - were running around, hanging out of trees, taunting mangy dogs with sticks, having a ball. There weren't any parents or adults following the kids around, no safety rails anywhere and all the houses were on poles a good couple of feet off the ground. It was basically a scene that made me flinch... tiny kids tottering around firepits. I asked about it and was told that the kids were free to do what they pleased as they had to 'learn' safety the hard way. If it meant a broken arm (and there were no hospitals or modern westernised healthcare anywhere near) it meant a broken arm, but it worked. The kids learnt, were mostly healthy and intact. Culturally, it was the done thing. At the time I thought, great idea, makes perfect sense. And now, with my little guy, I just can't bring myself to give him that sense of freedom. I remember all the ads on telly... a small hand reaching for a jug cord, the mum who leaves her toddler in the bath to take a phone call, stranger danger... I've been programmed, through the media mostly, to think that we live in an inherently dangerous world. IMO, it's a little bit of parenting by fear. ------------- 
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Posted By: sarahmb
Date Posted: 18 March 2010 at 3:15pm
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Thanks so much for taking the time, everyone - and congratulations to everyone who's expecting! What this has shown me is that in a mag article you can only ever scratch the surface, if that - there are whole libraries of books out there on the subject, after all! I hope I've captured a tiny bit, but it most certainly won't be the last I write on the subject.
best Sarah PS Might see some of you round the traps - hilariously, as my editor was assigning the story, my partner and I decided to try for our first, so it's been interesting from a personal POV, too
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 18 March 2010 at 10:45pm
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If it's not too late to add my opinion, I thought I'd add it below if it's not all already been said:
First, how do you think parenting is different now than it was in our parents' day? What are the new pressures? My parents were a product of the 50's and started having their kids in the 60's and 70's. I actually think that although Women's Lib has liberated women in many ways, it's also been a bit of a curse. Mothers these days are constantly dealing with the going to work vs. staying at home issue. In NZ it's actually become virtually impossible to stay at home with your children fulltime unless you have a partner on a high income that can support you really well, or you are prepared to make huge financial sacrifices. There is a lot of pressure on mums now (I believe) to go back to work before their children reaches school age. The Government supports working mothers more than they support stay-at-home mothers. Furthermore, in their day it was expected that mothers would stay at home with their children (and research that I have read indicates that perhaps there were many undiagnosed mothers with Post-Natal Depression for this reason) now that expectation is not there. I'm not sure what the view was of stay-at-home mothers in that time - perhaps more accepted? But now there is a big of a stigma attached to it - like being a stay-at-home mother is being unemployed or boring. There is more honour for a woman to have a career than for a woman to choose to stay at home with her children. I think stay-at-home mothers should be appreciated and honoured a lot more than they are, and the work that they do with their children needs to be valued more too. The other thing that I think has changed is that our modern society (really it's called a post-modern society, the age we live in) - especially in the major cities - has lost its sense of community. Families tend to live far away from their extended family, they move a lot and don't get to know their neighbours. A lot of people feel isolated and don't experience a great deal of support as they once might have. I think this contributes a lot to the high statistics of Post-Natal Depression in NZ. Post Natal Depression is unheard of in many Pacific Islands because family rally around the mother so well that she has a huge level of support and does not struggle alone. Second, parents now get a bit of a reputation for being more overprotective of their kids - do you think that's fair? If so, what do you think might be causing it? I think it's fair to say that we are MORE protective, but I don't think it's fair to say we are over-protective. Our society has changed. When I was a kid I was left to play outside for hours without being checked up on. I would often go for walks in the evening around the local streets, or bike rides, or visited some friends a few streets away and my parents wouldn't specifically know where I was! This was around the age of 9 or 10yo. I would never allow my kids of that age to do that. I think with the rise in crime and traffic problems it's just not as safe. It's difficult to know exactly why our parents were so laid back about our upbringing - eating whatever they wanted during pregnancy, not using car seats or seatbelts, not overseeing our playtime like we do now, but if we were to take that same approach now we would be criticized for being neglectful. Perhaps it's just that our society has changed and we have new information all the time with new research and so on as to how best to protect our children and keep them safe. Unfortunately, that generation often does not respect recent research, such as WHO guidelines and relies on their own personal experience since it "worked for them" - often questioning our choices as mothers. Which is quite understandable. I think personally I am probably quite protective and try to do "everything by the book" while still using my "mother's intuition", but every mother does what they believe to be is best for their child, and it's our way of loving and caring for them the very best way that we can. I don't think anyone can be criticised for that. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SpecialK
Date Posted: 19 March 2010 at 8:18am
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I can't really add too much to what has already been said, but what I have found is that I have had to defend/explain every decision I have made when it comes to being pregnant and having my baby.
When I first got pregnant, some people thought I was too young (26) some that it was too late. Then, everyone has an opinion on what I was eating/not eating/drinking/not drinking. When H was born, on the one hand a lot of people were saying things like "do what's right for you" and "happy mum = happy baby" but then questioning or criticising choices that I made. Mostly it was to do with breastfeeding which was incredibly difficult and me not wanting to return to work. With the age thing - a slightly different perspective, my mum has me when she was 19 and while I now have a young mum she is an incredibly busy woman who is focusing on her own career and social life, and although she helps whenever she can I do get envious of girls whose mums are a bit older and are retired or work part time and there is a bit more practical support in the day to day things. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 19 March 2010 at 8:45am
I absolutely know what you mean, my mum 20 when she had me and I was 21 with my oldest and my parents were very busy when my daughter was young... ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 19 March 2010 at 11:24am
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The disadvantage of having children later is unfortunately my mum is no longer with us. I am now acutely missing that valuable source of information and guidance. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: ChrisW
Date Posted: 19 March 2010 at 10:32pm
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Well DH and I started trying when we were both 25 originally we thought we would wait until we were financially secure but that didn't seem to happen or seemed like it was going to happen - we own our home well the bank does but unfortunately to pay the mortgage I had to go back to work when Libs was just 5 months. Anyway she took 2 years to get here so we are pleased we didn't wait any longer!!
We didn't want to be old parents and hubby would like a big family - 2 is enough for me lol. I think it was different for our parents as more mums stayed at home. We are shifting to Australia next month so I can be a stay at home mum and I am walking away from my career to do this. I am 100% sure of my decision - I can go back to my career when the kids have left home but I can't get back this time of being a Mum. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/">  http://lilypie.com">
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