General Chat - walking away

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walking away

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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33259
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Topic: walking away

Posted By: mummy_becks
Subject: walking away
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 12:57pm

There are a few here that know I have had issues with my marriage over the past few years.

Sunday I finally got the guts to tell him I was over it and didn't want to be married to him anymore. It came as a shock to him, as it did to my parents who didn't know anything that had happened to us in our marriage.

We have a councilloring session next week to see what i want to do is the right thing to do.

So advice of what I can get and what worked for you when you had to walk away would help. I have only one friend who has walked away with kids so others would help.

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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!

Replies:

Posted By: Lisha
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 1:06pm

Aww Becks, sorry to hear that. Thinking of you

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http://lilypie.com">

http://lilypie.com">

Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 1:16pm

Becks, no advice but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that this is happening to you.
I hope you've got plenty of good people around to help and support you through it.

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Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:

Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 1:23pm

Becks. Sorry I have no advice either, but I'm sure there will be others here to offer theirs soon enough.

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SJ
Callum - Dec 2008
Daniel - Oct 2010

Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 1:48pm

Wow Becks! So sorry you are going thru such a tough time.

Maybe get the counselling over with and then visit your local citizens advice bureau? They may be able to help you with the next step.

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Mr Mellow (16)
Miss Attitude (8)
Destructa Kid (3)

Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 2:12pm

Just wanted to send hugs as thats all I can do!

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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 2:15pm

nothing to offer but hugs, Becks xxxx

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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P

Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 2:49pm

to you becks, the counsellor will be able to help you with what you need if seperating is what you decide to do.

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http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">

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Angel June 2012

Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 3:09pm

hugs first Becks and i have walked away from a long term relationship in the past with 2 kiddies - dunno what advise I can give you but take one day as it comes. Be there for the kids but also try and have some focus on yourself.

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http://lilypie.com">

876

Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 3:30pm

Becks - I ran away rather than actually walked. I'm staying with a friend at the mo but moving into my own place with Mac on the weekend.

I have found CYFS a HUGE help to me. So if you're upto it, get in contact with them. They should be able to provide support and direct you to more of it. Most people think of CYFS in the sense of child abuse, etc, but they're about so much more.

Make an appointment with WINZ straight away, they'll be able to help financially, even if you are working.

And I would also look into getting a Parenting Agreement set up and legalised through the courts.
Everything might be fine now, but somewhere down the line things could get bumpy (like if/when you get a new partner, etc) and you don't want a battle on your hands over the kids. If something is in place straight off then the kids can never be "used as a pawn" in anyones game IYKWIM.

I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like. I have personally found that despite me trying to talk and explain things to them, they ended up just getting a massive hate on towards my babies Dad and it wasn't helpful or productive at all so I have just refrained from talking to them about it all.

Find a counsellor for yourself, just you, one separate from the one you're going to with your DH and utilise them. You can get free Community counsellors. They're great venting places if nothing else.

Got to Plunket and/or your local PAFT organiser and find as many support groups as you can. Playcentre is a good place to go.

Also, accept any and all help offered. It's not a sign of weakness, it's just being sensible and not allowing yourself to be overloaded.
One thing I found was I thought that I'd had such little support from Mac's Dad that I thought it'd be a peice of piss on my own...I figured it'd be no different. But it is harder. So be prepared to learn a lot about yourself and your own ability to cope.

Sorry if any of this is irrelevant to you, just disregard it. But it really is about you getting motivated and not allowing yourself to be on your own and not allowing yourself to have to struggle. The help and support is out there, you just got to find it.

And if all else fails...you got OhBaby

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http://lilypie.com">

http://lilypie.com">

Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 4:23pm

That is awesome advice M2M!

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Mr Mellow (16)
Miss Attitude (8)
Destructa Kid (3)

Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 5:44pm

I think Barnados offers a course about parenting through separation as well. Get your support in place now. i remember you had trouble with Andrew when your H went to waioru - he is a sensitive wee boy I think, so you'll need support around you so you can support him too.

Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 8:05pm

I second everything that Mum2Mac has said. I separated from my DH in November and we had some initial councelling sessions in December to sort temporary parenting arrangments. I have now applied for a parenting order and the Family Court have put us in to the new fast track process which includes more councelling and both of us having to do the parenting through separation course (mine starts next week) which for Tauranga is run through Relationship Services.

WINZ have also been a big help to me so that would be the next stop after the councelling and the lawyer.

My parents have been really good to me and G but what I have found is that my friends have all moved on and I am still going through the process. They are all married or partnered off and in a lot of cases are having their second child and I am going through a drawn out and stressful separation. This means that I have felt quite cut off so I have made some effort to contact other single parents through Plunket etc. I am still working on this though as it hasn;t been easy to find people who have been through this with really young kids.

I also have gone to councelling for myself and that has really helped me with the process.

I have found that although I have sad and down days/weeks on the whole the separation was a relief for me so things are less stressful in a lot of ways. I think that having made the decision to ask for a separation myself I kinda had already started the greiving process. Doesn't mean that I don't get sad sometimes though.

If you need any other advice feel free to PM me.

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http://lilypie.com">

Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 8:28pm

Big hugs Becks.

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Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja

Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 8:31pm

's Becks.

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DS 8
DD 6
DS 4
DD 2

Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 8:43pm

Beck & good on you for taking the stance to make your own life great

Might suck in the meantime but think of the long run.

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Kel
http://lilypie.com">

A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12

Posted By: queenbean
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 8:47pm

Aww Becks, so sorry to hear this

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Posted By: Jay_R
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 10:06pm

Oh Becks, I am so very sorry to read this hun. I actually didn't realise you were in such a sad place with your marriage, and I send you huge hugs.

The end of a marriage/relationship is always incredibly sad. Regardless of the reasons.

The advice given by M2M is awesome, and I don't feel more needs to be added. I just want to reiterate her comments re taking all support offered. You will find over the next wee while that you will need time to be alone and grieve for what is gone. Even though it is you who is ending things, I know from my own experience that you will still feel the loss hugely, and if there are people who can help with caring for the boys in order to work your own stuff out then utilise them.

And if you need to ask for help, then ask for it. I have spent quite a lot of time feeling bitter towards people that I thought should have offered me help and didn't. That negative emotion stuff is pointless and does more harm than good. Sometimes people wait around on the periphery and want to help but don't want to appear to be butting in. Its a weird situation, the breakup of a marriage, and people sometimes don't know what they should do. So ask. They won't mind.

Big, huge, enormous hugs Becks. I know we are not friends in real life, but over my time here at OB you have offered amazing advice and support to me, and I want you to know that I am here if you need me.

Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 05 May 2010 at 11:24pm

No advice here, but lots of hugs

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Our Angel July 08

Gone but not forgotten

And to complete our family, our princess has arrived

Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 06 May 2010 at 10:18am

Oh Becks I'm so sorry its finally gotten to this point for you!

M2M has given you the basics (sorry to hear what you're going through too chick!!!) but here are a few things I thought of...

Try to come to an agreement with DH over the boys care before you let the boys know whats going on. If you can be semi-united over whats happening for their sakes it'll help the transition abit.
The courts provide a kids and separation dvd which is quite good.

I also reckon making sure you have something you do solely for yourself thats out of the house is super-important. Even if its just a night class at one of the colleges or a swim-exercise class or yeah something like that.
I made sure I did something social everyday whether it was coffee group/playdate with Jake or a language class. I also had a list of people I could call in the evenings when Jake was in bed and I was lonely or grieving. Helps stave of that depressive feeling you get.

Catch a big hug

just because it may be the right thing to do certainly doesn't make it an easy process!!

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Posted By: RinTinTin
Date Posted: 06 May 2010 at 1:12pm

Also wanted to add that probably the hardest thing I've dealt with is being lonely myself.
Like climbing into bed at night alone, and waking up alone.
And it's in those moments that you second guess your decision and wonder if you should go back.
And also when your ex says something nice and a little piece of you melts cause you remember how good they were or could be.

Thats probably the hardest bit for me.

It's probably different for everyone though. But just be aware that those things will probably come around so be prepared to deal with them.

Hugs to you. Often the hardest decision to make are the best ones

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http://lilypie.com">

http://lilypie.com">

Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 06 May 2010 at 3:57pm

Aww Becks, I'm so sorry to hear things didn't get better, but am glad to hear you've made a decision you feel is right for you

Counselling is good just to sort out the living arrangements, finances etc and to start the process of getting to a point where you are civil for the kids sake. A parenting order is definitely a good idea, it doesn't have to be at the court as far as I'm aware, you can create it with your lawyers and then the court simply seals it (someone correct me if I'm wrong). Like others said, it's a good idea just to get it down in writing what your expectations are of each other, in terms of the boys' care.

If you need anything, just PM me hun. It's been a rough road for you lately, so I hope this turning point is the start of a new, and more content, life for you.

Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 06 May 2010 at 7:29pm

Thanks all for everything that has been said.

Damn councillor had to change the appointment to Tuesday due to a funeral in Tauranga . I know I have made such a hard decsision and everyday I feel much better about things.

I have made friends with a person overseas who went through this 18 months ago so she has been a great help to talk to during the day time, once I start work I will feel better I think.

I am keeping off the computer quite a lot now but I will pop in at least once a day to see what is happening. Just till I sort myself out.

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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!