Time heals...whatever.
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34556
Printed Date: 12 June 2025 at 3:59pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Time heals...whatever.
Posted By: Bobsta
Subject: Time heals...whatever.
Date Posted: 06 July 2010 at 9:38pm
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I have stayed off the internet for along time now as thought maybe reading things about pregnancy, TTC and mc was making it worse. TBH right now I just want to pick up my computer and throw it through the window. I want to scream. I hate my life, I hate everyone and everything. I just want it all to end.
I am not coping well. Well I'm not coping at all. I don't even talk anymore, not even to DH. I pretend I am happy for other people but I'm not. I hate everything. I don't even know why I am writing this as I don't care anymore if I ever feel happy again. Sometimes I feel bad as there are many other things people deal with and compared to their problems, mine are insignificant. I have booked in a hair appointment as am cutting all my hair off. Maybe I should ask her to cut out my heart as all it does is hurt me. I have spent so much time trying to heal and move on and think about how I will be a mum one day but really, I just don't care anymore, it's too hard. I don't think I can ever go through it again. I hate the fact I have been on here so much and I feel like an attention seeker but I don't know where else to go. If I don't express some of this I know things might get more serious. At least I don't have to face anyone here. No one here has to put on a fake smile and give me a hug. I don't want hugs, I don't want fake smiles. I just want my memory wiped and to wake up and forget it all happened. ------------- Me 34 Him 35 DD almost 2 years old and... Baby #2 on it's way! http://www.babygaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 06 July 2010 at 10:09pm
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Dammit I was going to send you a hug but I'm not, now. But kind of am, anyway.
I just really really feel for you from what you've written here and previously. please know you are not alone feeling like this. Writing it out here is a really good thing to do. You can always delete it afterwards if you want. But is this not what this forum is for? Support and stuff? None of this is insignificant or attention seeking either (it might feel it, because of how we are conditioned), this is MAJOR GRIEF stuff. You have not only lost something you very much wanted, you have lost all the dreams and happy stuff that goes with pregnancy. Not to mention the sense of self that gets splintered. There's HUGE loss, and its never easy, and we all deal slightly differently, but essentially the same. I don't think there's anything else I can say because nothing, in all seriousness, is likely to change how shockingly you are feeling. Know my thoughts really are with you. |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 06 July 2010 at 10:16pm
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Vent away.....it's totally better out than in.
I didn't want to read & run & I'm not offering hugs, I'm offering all our ears, well eyes, to vent away to. I can't pretend to know what you are going through as I didn't lose a baby that I'd got attached to. I do understand the pain of trying time after time & it's the support of good friends at the end of your fingertips that helps you through. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 06 July 2010 at 10:24pm
| Hey bobsta, I'm so sorry buddy, I wish there was something I could say to make it stop hurting. We are all here to listen when you need us xxx |
Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 7:18am
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Well i am going to send you a cyber hug...and it can just sit there until you need it.
I am sorry you are feeling this way...have you been and seen your doctor. I dont know how far along you were when you miscarried, but my friend was 9wks and she has just been diagnosed with PND and is no on the road to starting to feel better. I wish there was something i could say or do to make you feel better ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: NikkiB
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 7:56am
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I also wanted to send you a hug....
Wish I could also say something that would make you feel better. Forums are great for venting and getting things off your chest, I hope its made you feel a little bit better that there are people out there who haven't even meet you, but are thinking of you during this difficult time xoxo ------------- A very lucky mummy to two gorgeous boys: RB 3/10/2008 JB 29/12/2009 |
Posted By: babygiraffe
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:19am
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Bobsta, maybe its time that you asked for some help to get through this? I know its hard, it takes a lot of courage to admit you need help. I wanted to think I could heal myself on my own but clearly that wasn't working - it got to the point where I feared for my marriage and thats the last thing you need.
I also recommend the m/c support website, they have a forum too and the girls on there are lovely if you would like to check this out. http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz Take care x |
Posted By: Anja22
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:23am
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Bobsta, thanks for posting hun. This is what these forums are for so I'm really grateful you have the guts to get it all out there. You don't have to be brave and pretend you're all right when it's totally OK not to be.
Please remember you have friends here whenever you need us. I hope you can find someone IRL to support you too, eg a good counsellor can help you find a wee chink of light in that dark place you're sitting in right now. Thinking of you matey xo ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2b4a60 - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:25am
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I dont know if this is something you would feel like doing, but when i miscarried twice in 3 months (and then had to sit and watch 3 people very close to me go through what I should have been going through too!!) I wrote down all the things I was feeling/thinking, good AND bad, then I burnt it. Writing it down and seeing it on paper helped me feel like I had gotten some of the pain off my chest, and burning it was my way of showing I was trying to let it go... you can never really let go of all those feelings... but it was a little bit therapeutic for me... you dont have to do it, just thought it might give you something to do... what made it even harder was it took another year after the second miscarriage to even GET preg again, and working right next to a large shopping mall I saw preggy bellies and new babies everywhere I looked. It wasn't until i got preg with Jae that i was finally able to stop feeling so bad about what I had lost, and to be happy with how it had all worked out in the end.
I'm not saying it will take a short/long time to get preg again, I'm not saying you will magically feel all better when you finally DO get preg... but I am saying its ok to feel like this cos it is a horrible thing you went through, and there are a LOT of us who have been there and can understand just how awful the pain is. no hugs, no pity, no" I'm sorrys" just understanding from someone who's been in your shoes and remembers all too well how hard it is when your sitting on your own wondering why it even had to happen. And you arent an attention seeker, and this is the perfect place for you to vent some of the anger/fustration/disappointment... as I said, a LOT of us have been there, and know how hard it is. ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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Posted By: TwinnyBump
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:31am
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Ah Bobsta I've been thinking about you hun and wondering how you were doing. I wish I could help take the pain away or say something that would... thinking of you hun and please we are all here to support you through this! xox ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: heaf3
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:46am
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bob ive been sitting here for the past hour thinking about what i can say to you. i know nothing that i say will make things better, i know you are in a bad place right now and its hard. i havent had a mc so cant completely understand how you are feeling, but i can understand the feelings of hating everything and wanting it all to go away.
your problems are NEVER insignificant hun. if things are making you feel bad then they are very significant no matter how big or small they are. so dont feel bad. all of my problems are insignificant but different things affect people in different ways, and something that is hard for me might be easy for someone else. and you are definately not an attention seeker. that is what this forum is for, to say how you are feeling, and if it helps then thats great. if not then at least its out there and we can all support you. i'm here for you, any time you want to talk, cry, scream, vent or need support. please dont forget that ok. and you have so many people on here that all care and worry about you and there are a lot that know exactly what you are going through, better than what i can. but im always here if you need me. i dont know if anything i have said has even helped in the slightest but this is all that has come to mind so far. i just wish i could take your pain away take care of yourself hun, we love you heaps. xxxxxxxxxxx ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:56am
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Let it out Bobsta, you have every right to feel like this. You are grieving for the loss of your baby & it hurts like hell.
In time the pain will be bearable, it will always be a part of you & never forgotten. When you are ready you will pick up the pieces & strength will return to you. Don't give up on your dreams & wants but let yourself heal & take help & talk to someone. You will get through this even tho it does not feel like it now you will...I have been there & I honestly say time helps heal so be kind to yourself none of it is your fault. |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 11:11am
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I feel like a fraud,responding to your post , I have always concieved pretty easily and have never lost a baby I was attached to , like you , so im not going to pretend I know how you feel ...
But I do know how it feels to lose someone you love , and I know how it feels to feel so angry , so hurt , so sick of everything that you want to just cut it all out , shut the world off and wait for it to all go away . sh*t thing is , no matter how much you want it to all go away , and you want to ignore the world, life has a way of continuing on , whether you want it to or not ....my only advice is to try and make it through every day ...time does heal all wounds , eventually , you just have to give time, time , but dont force yourself to heal ...let yourself cry , and be angry , and let your heartbreak a little more each day , until you are ready to start piecing it together again . But don't ever feel like your feelings are insignificant , I remember telling you when you first lost baby , that I think the bravest people in the world are the ones who lose a child , in whichever way , and still manage to get up in the morning ...I still think you fall under that category , and I admire you greatly for your honesty and courage to say you are not ok , that takes a brave person xoxo ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 11:55am
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------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: littlestar
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 11:55am
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Goodness - its only been a couple of months, don't think you have to grieve to a schedule. I'm glad you are talking about it on here - its what this place is for and at least there are people here who just 'get it'. When you are ready perhaps it might help to find someone IRL to talk to as well.
VENT AWAY!! We'll always be here to support.  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 1:30pm
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thoughts to you.. I had similar situation and it led to PND for me...
I think Kelly put it well.. always feel like you can vent whenever you need to...:( ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 1:41pm
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im here listening too. always available to talk about anything when every you want.
xo ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel 
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Posted By: Brilee
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 2:23pm
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Hello Bobsta
The ladies are right there is no time frame for grieving, When I found out about my mc it turned my whole world upside down. I was so angry and very self distructive I ate and drank alot of wine i wasnt beeing kind to myself and was total bitch to everyone. Now I really want to say something It is up to you! It is up to you to be happy and feel better. It is up to you to be a good friend and a good partner. Trust me I know what you are going through I went through the exact same thoughts and feelings. Have a good cry let it all out go to bed and say to yourself tomorrow is going to be a good day. I had to do this for a few weeks I would stop and smell a flower and I know that it happend for a reason. Your turn will come Chin up Lots of love oxoxox Ps Vent all you like  Wer here to listen ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Shezzey
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 7:53pm
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Bobby..... I am sorry that this has happened to yo and that you are feeling really really sad and my heart feels heavy for you hun. |
Posted By: Bobsta
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 8:42pm
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Thank you everyone. I don't feel sad, I don't feeling like crying, I just have so much anger and am fed up with life. It doesn't feel like grief, I don't know if what I feel now is related to what happened in May or maybe I'm having a mid life crisis or something (well I'm turning 30 next month and am not at all happy about that)
Last night I was feeling it more so than usual hence the strong words. DH was out and it was the first night in ages when I was home alone so that must have triggered it and it all came out at once. The busyness of life tends to keep everything I feel dulled down and under wraps. I do know that I'm not myself anymore. I just don't see the point in so many things I used to care about. I do appreciate you guys commenting so thank you and I really mean that. Lately I have felt very invisible and have been living on autopilot, most likely a self preservation tool. It's easier to block out life than to try and fix whatever it is that is broken. The sad thing is that I like feeling angry all the time. I like not caring about things. I like being able to lock up my feelings. I feel tougher for being able to do that rather than be all warm and fuzzy and talk about my feelings. The only thing is I know that's not the real me. I have this urge to go and smash things, like take a baseball bat to a random car or something. Very immature I know. Promise I won't though. I don't know if talking to anyone will help. I will feel like an idiot as I'm not a crying wreck or anything. Has anyone else been like this? I've read some many things that people cry and have sadness and think about babies and what could have been. But I'm not like that at all. If I'm really honest I have to actually remind myself that it really happened and don't even think of it as a baby anymore. Rereading that it actually sounds like my brain is trying to block out what has happened. Weird. I must be a bit screwed up I think. ------------- Me 34 Him 35 DD almost 2 years old and... Baby #2 on it's way! http://www.babygaga.com/" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:44pm
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...dunno if this will help chick , but when my friend had a missed miscarriage a few years back , she said one of the most therapeutic things for her , was getting a baseball bat and beating the cr*p out of the trees in her back yard .
And then when that no longer worked she got an axe ,and hacked the bugger out of wood . She said with every hit she would say whatever was on her mind , all the anger she was feeling . She said to this day she still has times when she has to go take out old Mary (the bat ) or Pete (the axe ) and she also said she has an online diary (private ) with a password that when shes having a bad day , she bashes out every angry thought without worry of what anyone else may think . I dunno if they will help at all ....I hope they do , in some way -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Anja22
Date Posted: 07 July 2010 at 9:46pm
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Having never been pregnant I don't know how it feels to lose a baby Bobsta. I have had depression x 3 so I do know that I didn't cry at all any of those times as I didn't feel sad. I felt anxious and angry at myself yet numbed to my real feelings quite a lot of the time. Seeing a professional (counsellor) helped me unravel the ball of wool in my head and get back to the real (happier) me which I don't think I could have done on my own.
And you're not screwed up, just having a hard time right now. I hope you can get some help to get through it, as you so don't have to do this alone ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2b4a60 - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: LadyBee
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 9:47am
Agree with you there Anja. Why dont you go to a driving range order a bucket of 100 balls and swing the crap out of them! even better when the car goes around sucking all the balls up in the paddock AIM FOR IT! Its a sure way of relieving anger and stress without breaking the law. Some open really late so you could go right down the end and let go of any emotions you feel, bring a friend or hubby with you. ooxx  ------------- TTC for 4 1/2 years IVF #1 - April 2012 short BFP, no frosties IVF #2 - August 2012, BFP!! 3 frosties! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Anja22 wrote:Posted By: Bobsta
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 2:11pm
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Thanks everyone for reassuring me I'm not a total head case.
This morning at work it was really quiet and all I could think about was everything I was feeling and what everyone has said. Work used to be my salvation as it kept me preoccupied so I could shut out everything else. So I decided I really had to do something. I emailed EAP to see a counsellor. After that I broke down and everything just came rushing out. I managed to make it the HR office before anyone saw anything. She was great and so happy I went to her and booked in to see EAP. I'm now at home for the rest of the afternoon and have tomorrow off, will see the counsellor tomorrow. Funny thing was before any of this happened, earlier this morning lots of people at work asked if I was okay and seemed really concerned for me. I thought it was weird but I guess my shell had started to crack and I wasn't hiding it like I thought I was. I'm going to talk to DH tonight as have been hiding it from him too. So I'm making progress. I really thought I had dealt with things but can see I hadn't at all. ------------- Me 34 Him 35 DD almost 2 years old and... Baby #2 on it's way! http://www.babygaga.com/" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: babygiraffe
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 2:25pm
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Nice work Bobsta! Very proud of you
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I rung the hospital to admit I needed to help to get through everything. The lady I spoke to was so lovely and made me feel normal for feeling what I was feeling. And yes, talk to your DH. These lovely boys we are married to are so worried about us - I know mine was and probably still is. The social worker said they deal with m/c different to us, maybe he might like to go to some sessions with you to try and understand more? When we said our vows we did say something along the lines of 'for better or worse' so I guess this is 'worse'. We will all get through this Bobsta....so good on you for making the first step. x |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 2:54pm
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That's awesome that someone is listening. Regarding the anger thing that's pretty much how I felt after my mum died, I was angry at her for not telling anyone she was sick, then I was angry at myself for being angry. I was more frustrated and angry at her than I ever was sad or upset, then I'd feel bad for not being upset or sad. - So yeah the anger part is a normal part of grief and usually it does hit much later when everyone else is over offering support and condolences. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Anja22
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 3:09pm
Well done Bobsta, I'm so proud of you! Very hard to say that without sounding condescending  but I hope you know what I mean...
Really hope it helps to talk to someone about how you've been feeling  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2b4a60 - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: heaf3
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 4:37pm
  that is fantastic bobsta, well done, that cant have been easy to do but im very proud of you too!!!!!
i really really really hope that it helps you. and i hope the talk with DH goes well too
 ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Mucky_Tiger
Date Posted: 08 July 2010 at 5:09pm
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It takes alot of guts to admit you need to see someone, i am seriously proud.
even i cant do it, and i should, i bottle stuff until i explode and its never pretty. another Venting outlet...pop down to a rifle range and shoot the target and let out all the angry thoughts that way. (its partly the reason why i do shooting as a sport - to let out the nasties )
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Posted By: Mum_mum
Date Posted: 09 July 2010 at 10:40am
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Hi bobsta - good on you for searching out EAP, I hope that it helps a little.
Just wanted to share my story with you - I MC'ed at 6 weeks (thought I was a bit further though) and I took it really hard. Infact Im sure I went a little crazy (DH will swear I did ) I was very up and down, very moody and it took a toll on my marriage. I felt DH was not very supportive (he went hunting the day I got it confirmed I had Mc'ed) and we never really spoke about it at all. I was really lucky in that I had my Mum to be able to talk things through with and who understood as she had been through it too.
It wasn't until I got pregnant again 8 months later that I felt some normalcy and stability back in my life though going through the first trimester was really hard and had a lot of meltdowns! MC takes its toll on everyone differently, some move on quickly and others like me take a wee bit longer. I will never forget what i went through but now its been 2 years and a child later and the pain has receeded. Take your time to heal, you can't expect to feel better overnight or even a month or two on, but hopefully with a bit of support you will ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
Angel baby - May 2008
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Posted By: swifty
Date Posted: 10 July 2010 at 2:40pm
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I m/c`d at the same time as you Bobsta. The difference for me is that I am still bleeding nearly 12 weeks after natural m/c.
The healing for me can not start until the physical signs have stopped. I got help immediately as after having ds I got PND and am scared Im going down that route again. It is sooooo hard to stay strong but we have to... |
Posted By: Bobchannz
Date Posted: 11 July 2010 at 5:02pm
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Bobsta - go easy on yourself - it has only been since May that you lost your baby - that is no time at all.
I lost a little girl at 14 wks last year and I still get sad. I do remember being horribly, violently angry for months - I was angry at everything. The angry stage is normal - and can last for a long time. Anger is often depression turned nasty on yourself - so seeing a counsellor may be a great idea. I used EAP after my first miscarriage and I think I got the wrong counsellor - she just didn't get that an early loss can be completely devastating. Keep this in mind if you don't click with your EAP counsellor. Posting is a great idea - I belong to another online forum, where lots of women have experienced reproductive loss of one kind or another. I vented for ages - and everyone understood. It is part of the process. Better out than in. I would be really suprised if anyone in the OB fora would have a problem with someone who is grieving the loss of their baby - in which case that person would be the problem, not you. ------------- www.makedomum.blogspot.co.nz |
Posted By: Bobsta
Date Posted: 11 July 2010 at 9:32pm
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Hannahbil thank you so much for sharing that with me. It's actually reassuring to know that's it's okay to feel like this and consider TTC again. I had actually decided not to TTC until I was properly over things, no matter how long it takes. It's very weird as my life has been all about TTC since April 2009 and for the first time since then I actually don't want to be TTC. I guess I felt as though I would be wrong for me to TTC if I'm not emotionally strong to handle it. But reading what you wrote has made me realise that I might be a little emotionally unstable until I actually am pregnant again and it's okay to be TTC again. So maybe I will think about trying again in a month or two.
Swifty I am really sorry to hear you had mc too and you have the added complication of ongoing bleeding. I really hopes it stops soon. You're right, it's hard but we have to be strong and we couldn't do it without all the support we get here
I'm really luck as the EAP counsellor I saw was just fantastic. I feel so much better already and I'm going back to see her again next Friday. I'm not great just yet, but I am feeling more able to cope and no longer feel so angry. Bobchanz that's exactly what the HR manager at my work told me when I was bawling my eyes out in her office, it's only been 8 weeks. You guys really have been my lifeline through everything and I'm so glad I did post about everything as it's helped me handle things. ------------- Me 34 Him 35 DD almost 2 years old and... Baby #2 on it's way! http://www.babygaga.com/" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: heaf3
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 9:09am
that is great to hear hun! im so glad that you went to see her. hope everything will be on the up soon ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 9:49am
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Oh Bobsta...
The other ladies have said it all.. I am so glad you have someone to talk to now!!!! I cant make it go away but please know I am thinking of you. -------------   
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 11:14am
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Bobsta - I'm so glad you seem to be getting a handle on it now. It was heart wrenching to read your post and as many of the others have said - a year ago it could have been me writing that. I also wanted you to know that there is no way that any of us who have been through this would think for a moment that you were attention seeking by posting.
I don't have much to add that hasn't been said before, but like Hannahbil I wanted to mention part of my experience. There's lots of advice to not fall pregnant again until you're over your loss, and in general I think this is a good idea. But quite frankly I didn't start my recovery until I was 20 weeks pregnant because it took that long to feel hope again. I was a complete neurotic mess until then though. It was worth it in the end but oh the panic sessions and nightmares I had. Anyway, thinking of you and really hope you can finally get a good start toward feeling human again. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Lulu27
Date Posted: 12 July 2010 at 3:12pm
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Getting pregnant again helped me heal Bobsta... (3 months after MC) but it hasnt been an easy road. my head was just waiting for something to go wrong up until about 15 weeks. i just couldnt believe that something good was actually ever going to happen to me.
i am very worried about how i would have coped if i didnt get pregnant so quickly though ( it took me 18 months to get pregnant the first time round), and your head needs to be in a space to be able to handle that. my good friend had a still birth at 37 weeks last year, and used getting pregnant again as a method of healing... Each month that went by where she didnt get pregnant her emotions were getting more out of control. she is now almost 12 weeks but its been an emotional rollercoaster for her...and no doubt will continue to be. MC is devastating. but you will make it through to the other side. Good on you for getting counselling. I found miscarriage.org.nz helpful during those times when things got really bleak... ------------- me 41 DH 40 Mc sept 2009, DS Sept 2010 TTC #2 since jan 2013 |
Posted By: heaf3
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 4:22pm
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hey bob how are you doing hun???
ya, just letting you know im thinking of you. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: rachaels
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 2:18pm
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Bobsta, I am so glad you are feeling a little better now. I wanted to share my story with you to put things into perspective for you about time frames and how you were feeling. I understand this is a different situation but it's still about losing a baby I was deeply in love with - so hopefully you can see the similarities.
I found out I was pregnant at 15 years old to my abusive partner. He forced me into a termination which turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life, I just didn't realise it until I was on the operating table. I went to the pre-termination counselling appointment like a good girl and thought it wasn't going to affect me at all. Boy was I wrong - on the day, the moment they made me take the medication to 'loosen everything up', I knew I had done the wrong thing. Too bad it was far too late to change things by that point. I vaguely remember being told off by the nurse as I was kicking the doctors and nurses trying to do the procedure - I was screaming at them not to take the baby but of course the deed had been done and even if they had stopped the baby would be dead. What followed is very close to what you describe feeling - I shut myself off from everyone from that day and just stopped talking to anyone. I would lie in bed just staring at the wall, not wanting to talk to anyone or get up and do anything. I just didn't see the point, I hated myself. I quite simply gave up on life - I just didn't care anymore, nothing seemed to matter. I became seriously and severely depressed and withdrawn and nobody knew how to help. It got to the point where I actually preferred feeling that numbness because it was easier than feeling 'something'. If I wasn't numb, I was angry, and that was the way I wanted to stay. I never wanted to be happy again. I dropped out of school and couldn't be bothered doing anything with my life anymore. I started to contemplate suicide and started self mutilating in places where people wouldn't see. Eventually I was caught by my mother who noticed the cuts running up my arms. She got me help fast. At first I wouldn't talk to anyone, I remember more than one therapist telling my mother I needed to be in hospital if I wasn't prepared to talk about it. Instead, my mother left her job to keep me on suicide watch 24/7 - this lasted about 6 months and in retrospect must have been hell on earth for her. It took me 6 years of recurring nightmares, daily therapy appointments which then switched to weekly therapy appointments and just loads upon loads of love and support from my family, but eventually it DID get better. There were years at a stretch where I was convinced it was never going to get better. I was wrong! Once I started accepting that it was grief, things started looking up. I wrote my baby letters, bought her cuddly toys and talked to her in my mind. I justified the decision in my head and told my baby those reasons why I had to do it. I visited the ash garden at the cemetery and lit candles for her. Eventually the pain started to fade...but it took a lot to get to that point. We are moving house and the other day mum found the scans I had from the pregnancy. I think it might be because I am pregnant now, and we are now nearly 8 years away from the event, but finally I told her she could throw them out. I firmly believe that I am stronger for having gone through those 6 years of hell. It wasn't easy, but I got there. Your grief is something nobody can understand except you. It's not going to follow a script, and you are going to have days when you feel like giving up, or smashing things, or just sitting and being numb. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way. Don't feel like you have to be teary, or sad, because grief doesn't always feel like that. Be pissed off, hate the world, do what you need to do to get through the next ten minutes. If it helps, you are doing a hell of a lot better than I was doing 3 years down the track - you are talking, and that is something to be proud of. If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be don't stop talking, because this is where you'll get into trouble.
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Posted By: Bobsta
Date Posted: 25 July 2010 at 2:03am
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Thanks Heaf
Rachael, all I can say is wow. You've been through a lot and it's awesome you can share that with me/us. Thank you so much. Your mum is an amazing lady for what she did for you. Keep talking is good advice, so here goes... There is one thing that is starting to get to me. I haven't spoken about this or really even allowed myself to think about it. I really don't want to get pregnant again. I just can't see it happening anymore. The fact I feel like that worries me. What is wrong with me? Why don't I want this anymore? It's like the my clock just stopped ticking. I have been avoiding coming on here as I feel like a fraud knowing so many people so desperately want to be pregnant, I used to be one of them, but now I just feel nothing. I just sat here for 5 minutes staring at the screen as I just don't know what else to say. Has anyone else felt like this? ------------- Me 34 Him 35 DD almost 2 years old and... Baby #2 on it's way! http://www.babygaga.com/" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 25 July 2010 at 11:15am
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Yes. totally. This is my year:
We lost ours in August and I couldn't face the thought of sex for at least 6 weeks afterwards - I associated that part of me with the 'deadbaby chute' - fecked up I know, let alone even think about even trying to get utd again. Although I desperately wanted just to be pregnant again. By October I was focused on getting utd (we had a 10 year anniversary and a spanky posh weekend away), but completely scared about losing again (I would fluctuate between these extremes several times a day for, like . . . forever, it felt!), and in hindsight, I know I was not ready to be pregnant. So we tried a couple of times but nowt happened (conception-wise). November and December I was a mess again so it was off the menu, and DP was away anyway. January and Feb we decided to try again, thought it had worked in Feb but had the period from hell, and then cycle from hell in March. feb was also my due month and I had it in my head that I wanted to be utd by then. I probably would have felt 'ready' to try again May time, but we were holding off to see the gynae and didn't want to scupper that. And then June, and here we are. I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Why WOULD you want something that you have had, that has brought you so much pain? I think thats what our protective 'now' selves tell us. Of course there's the chance it might not end badly, yet its hard to make that distinction of 'do I feel I could handle this again if it happened?' And of course, your next pregnancy is likely to be full of the same concerns. I'm not programming that for you, but lets face it. WE know that not every pregnancy ends with a happy bouncing baby, an having tasted that once, its not something ANYONE would rush back to taste again. And THAT's normal, so they're all telling me. Don't pressure yourself . . . I know it might seem like the clock is ticking in every other respect at times, especially watching everyone around you announce their preggy. There's no right or wrong way. Personally I have felt a heap better since getting utd, but its took me a year of processing our mc and being a complete headcase! You're not a fraud, people who are frauds don't really acknowledge their true feelings. You're honest and there is nothing wrong with that. Please don't hide stuff because you have nothing to be ashamed of. Especially here. I'm glad you posted as I have been stalking this forum wondering how you were doing |