How to deal with visitors and interfering
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Topic: How to deal with visitors and interfering
Posted By: SMoody
Subject: How to deal with visitors and interfering
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 12:05pm
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with your parenting methods.
Okay since we moved from SA to here we have visitors come every year (or twice a year sometimes) for extended period of time (4 to 7 weeks). We usually try and keep McKayla in more or less the same routine (and now Andrew too) but it is difficult to certain circumstances. We do have rules and like all kids she tries and push it when we have visitors (day or long visitors). She responds better to clear defined rules and you acting on it and not letting her get away with things (the aaah shamed she is unsettled etc.) The more we let go of this silly little things the worse she gets. Tantrums, back chatting, hitting out, etc. You get the picture. She thrives with active parenting and all that. I usually try and deal with not just the symptoms (tantrums and bad behaviour) but try and address the issues too. Now when we get visitors (specially speaking about MIL) she will get involve with it. Like for instance I would put McKayla in time out (since she was little and even now) she will try and interfere while I am dealing with Miss M. By either saying to me I shouldnt be doing this, and aaah shame the poor kid, not her fault, or getting her out and say come with Granny so Mommy can calm down. I dont deal well with this. I try and bring it up with her but she takes it the wrong way. The usual way of us dealing with family is to let the child deal with the parents that it is. For like in his case Grant will talk to his mother. But he says it doesnt help and just ignore her behaviour. Problem is when they leave I am sitting with a child that cries at the drop of a hat or tells me I am mean and that she wants to rather have Granny, and she acts up more and more and more to the point that I have enough excuses being made and as soon as I am literally superstrict again she comes around and start getting happy again and I can go back to normal way of living around here until the next visit. I just dont know how to deal with my MIL anymore. She is coming for 5 weeks with BIL end of this year and I can just feel myself getting defensive again. Today we had them on Skype for Andrew's birthday gifts opening part and McKayla lost her temper and swore and I put her in time out and all Granny said is: Shame dont do it to her, It is her brothers birthday and anyway she must have learned that sort of language from you." Now this was done in front of McKayla. I just hold my breath and counted to 10. But in all honesty this is getting worse each year and I can just hear the excuses for this year: She must be afraid of going to school, she is still getting use to a sibling, blah blah blah. I know my kid and I can deal with her and her emotions and there is a certain way to deal with it and then there is a way that I wont let her deal with it and screaming and hitting and swearing is no way to deal with your emotions. But please I have no idea how to deal with my MIL at the moment. So any bright ideas please? And before the : "Lets start a thread on we love our MIL.... start. This is not to put my MIL down. I get that she misses the kids etc but I have to deal with the after affects of visits and this is a yearly thing and getting worse each year. I love my MIL but she can drive me nuts. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 12:22pm
Ahhhh! I do love my MIL but I SO feel your pain! It is hard when family (or friends) come to stay for extended periods because you live far away. That said, there are benefits too 
I try and keep a very open mind when she's NOT here so that I don't build it up to be worse when she is IYGWIM? My DH is great as we are very much on the same page re parenting Callum so he is the one to pipe up if MIL oversteps the mark. I remember the first time she came to visit after C was born and DH actually said to me, make sure you tell me if you're getting upset/stressed out so I can talk to her before it blows up. Not that she's awful or anything but just that he's her son and it's easier for him to say something without it being take the wrong way. Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm really making sense or just babbling this morning! Does Grant back you up when your MIL interferes? Does he say, hey that's not fair? Because from the comments you've posted above it's not just a difference in "styles" she is undermining you by saying things like, "leave her alone" etc. NOT HELPFUL.  ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 12:43pm
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I've not had family stay for long periods of time but when I'm disciplining my kids at other familys houses & they try to step in, they too get put in their place. I find I deal best in confrontation rather than trying to nicely draw their attention to it later, beside they usually miss my point if I say it later.
What I do works with my kids. Like Mum always wants to go in & rub the kids backs to sleep. I now say don't you dare touch that door handle. A can handle & loves Gma's back rubs, C is just not that touchy feely. I'm a lot more forceful as a parent to my parenting ways than I was first time around. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 1:03pm
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My mum is pretty good at letting me deal with B when hes being a snot, but the ex ILs (his grandparents) are terrible at mollycoddling him! We get the tears and tantrums and the 'I want grandad's every time he comes back from his weekends with them (even worse when hes been for a week in the holidays!!) but unfortunately someone has to play the big bad parent! Whats worse is his dad is worse than the grandparents... he has no boundaries, lets B do what he wants, and means I come off looking like the horrible mother!
I have explained to B that part of us caring about him means that we tell him off and give him consequences cos we want him to grow up to be a nice person that everyone likes, and people who DONT do that, dont care how he ends up... may seem harsh, and not fair on the family members who are more lax with him than we are, but at least he knows we growl cos we care, and it lessens the tears and tantrums over it. ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 1:04pm
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I hear you. It's getting better for us as Dan gets older and we get more confident in our parenting and become more of a cohesive unit rather than both floundering about "what do we do now".
That said, we see MIL (and my family aren't perfect) 3-4 times a year so we have more frequent visits which does help - every visit is easier. Still 5 weeks is a damned long time. Can your DH suggest she goes away for a bit on holiday? Given that she's a way away, could you write an email to her, to outline what some of the issues are - e.g. "We're really looking forward to seeing you. .... (chit chat, talk about the kids, some of the challenges you might be having with them like McKayla swearing). At the moment, we're using these strategies ..... with them and they're working pretty well. Sure, not always perfect but we're seeing some good changes. We would appreciate that you support us as McKayla's parents in trying to raise our daughter as we see most appropriate (that bit's not quite worded right) and if you have any questions about what we're doing, feel free to ask, but please not when she's around". That way you might be able to put something together over a period of time that you can revise and you can also refer back to it when she's here. But really, I don't know. It's not easy, and it's especially hard when you don't see them much and it's all or nothing. And you can't kick them out at the end of the day. Hmm, or can you ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 1:11pm
I like that idea and it would probably be what I would do. My MIL use to interfer but I snapped at her a couple of times while she was trying to calm our son down while he was in time out and she has left it ever since. -------------  
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Flissty wrote:Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 1:16pm
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I think your husband needs to speak to her before she arrives and make it quite clear that you have both found what you feel is working in terms of discipline and she needs to let you discipline when you feel it needs to be done without interupting or trying to defend McKayla.
You probably need to be pretty assertive here and not be too worried if she takes it the wrong way. I figure better to have a bit of a blow up the first time it happens then harmony for the rest of the time. Shame your hubby isn't around during the day to back you up though. Will he be able to take some time off work at the start of their visit? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 1:46pm
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Yep i had to have words with my mil who kept rescuing my son from time out. I just came out and said it straight, that he's my son and i won't accept his bad behaviour and this is the way we have chosen to discipline him. And that she needs to butt out and not make me the bad guy. She's never done it since.
And yes generally i do love my mil but she's such a softie! Fine to be that when you're the nana but the mummy has to set boundaries or have nightmare child. Later i heard her saying to a friend how well i teach him manners etc and what a credit he is to us so i guess she got my point. It's hard to do but confrontation can really work with those passive agressive types but your dh has to be 100% beside you. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 1:54pm
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i like flisstys idea of writing email. that way she has chance to question how you are doing things rather than you getting irritated with her when she is there and then not properly discussing why you are doing it that way.
.....and of course then if she does question in front of the kids you are entilted to snap lol..joke BTW. ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 2:18pm
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I like the email idea too, although I know with my own MIL that would probably blow things out of proportion (in her eyes) and possibly set off a chain of events that I'd rather avoid!
I think I'd prefer the saying something at the time option here too TBH. But as I said before, I think your DH has to support you 100% in this and be prepared to back you up afterwards when you're NOT there too. ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 6:26pm
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DH is behind me with parenting. We are on the same mind set and he tells me to ignore her and just deal with McKayla. (but we know kids she is at that age that she turns around but granny said.....)
Hubby says it doesnt help talking to her as she will either blow it out of proportion or just ignore and say something. I just feel like this year I dont want to deal with it. It is just before she goes to school and I want to just relax before Christmas. She is just getting worse this year and even "attack" anything I say on facebook to the degree that I have limited what she can say. Hubby said to just deal with M and if she interferes too much to turn around and tell her that I am busy with my daughter right now and that I am willing to talk to her later about this but there is nothing to discuss right this second. (and that it will be blown out of proportion too but just to take it from there.) ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 7:06pm
Yeah that sounds like a plan  ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 7:22pm
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Yep, that sounds like a really good plan. Great that your DH is on the same page - one less battle and one more person in your army. Good luck. I hate confrontation but like someone said, better to get the ground rules down clearly at the start. ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: tiptoes
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 8:12pm
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How frustrating! Not sure if this would work but is there a way to do a chart Supernanny style, so the consequences etc.. are written up clearly almost as if they're for McKayla (but really for MIL's benefit) and then when MIL turns up get your DH to point it out, and say you've got it all written up clear so you can both be consistent because she responds better to that or something along those lines? Then you've told her what you do (or your DH can) and you maybe get a chance to defend/explain what you're doing to start with rather than when you're trying to discipline her?
------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">  
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Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 20 July 2010 at 8:15pm
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Sounds like your DH has a good plan, and even better that he is backing you too. Chelle has a good suggestion too. I tend to just snap, so its no wonder my MIL regards me as the big bad wolf, but I try to bite my tongue until it all boils over. So try not to do what I do -------------  
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 10:16am
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MamaT that is normally what happens. Hubby says ignore so I do until I literally flip my lid. (usually in week 3 or 4, normally a week before they leave.) and literally tell her I do not appreciate the interfering and then her saying she is just trying to help (dont ask me how it is helping literally telling my child I am wrong and you should come live with granny) and her saying she is just trying to make the child feel better.
------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 10:35am
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It is hard with grandparents because they have this expectation that they can be the one who spoils them and they dont have to be a parent. but the nice one who gives treats and stuff.
I know you have said talking to her doesnt help but i think you both - you and your husband together - need to. When she arrives tell her these are the house rules that everyone has to adibe by. the consequences if they dont are time out or whatever they are... Tell her you appreciate that she may not agree with some of those consequences but that another house rule is that it is not discussed in front of the kids. if she does start to criticise or complain about your punisment i think you should then be able to turn around and say i am sorry but we will discuss this later then go right back to what you are doing. I would also maybe let her have Mckayla for a day or so just them so she can have a chance to do all that spoiling and not make you look like the bad one. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: pumpkino
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 2:11pm
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I know exactly how you feel. I love my MIL to bits and have always got on with her really well but since Toby was born she has been driving me MAD.
We were overseas when we had him and they came to stay for 5 weeks, arriving when he was only 7 weeks old. Then when we came home (when he was 5 months old) we stayed with them for a month while we found our own place. Both stints were absolute hell, which was so disappointing because I thought it would be great. It's still bad now, almost to the point where I dread visiting them or them coming over, because she will criticise SOMETHING or talk to me through Toby like you describe. I think your DH's idea is a good plan. However he needs to speak up too. I don't think he should take her aside and have words with her as that will make it seem like a big deal (which she will no doubt hold against YOU). BUT if he is present when she says something out of order, he should stick up for you immediately and tell her that negative comments are neither needed nor appreciated. I personally don't think an e-mail is a good idea. There is just too much room for ambiguity and misinterpretation. It also makes the whole issue a big "thing" which you can't take back, it's there forever. Better to just tell her off when things happen and gradually she might get the picture. This is going to sound silly, but I find this helps when I reach breaking point (usually characterised by me lying awake in bed for hours having imaginary arguments with her): 1. Write a letter to her which you never intend to send. Say what you want to say about everything that bothers you. This is really cathartic. 2. From that letter, distil the particular issues that seem to be common. eg for me they are talking to me through Toby ("Did you forget to put a jumper on today Toby? That was silly!" = Your mother doesn't know how to dress you properly. You will shortly die of hypothermia and it will be all her fault); interrogating me constantly about his sleep habits (no, he didn't sleep through last night, he never has and probably never will, nobody cares but you!); and comparing him to other babies in the family. 3. Pick one or two that most annoy you. Those are the ones that you will pull her up on next time she does them. The other stuff you can get to later - deal with the worst stuff first, eg I would think that interfering with your discipline technique would be up there - that is just not on. TBH I usually find that once I've had a private rant things don't seem so bad next time I see her - or at least I am more tolerant. I'm lucky that my husband is on my side and backs me up too. I do think the most important thing is to be polite and respectful even when she is not towards you. When she says something that is plainly wrong, just say "well we (as in you and DP) disagree, and you're going to have to accept that because we're her parents". If she still doesn't get the message then just tell her the truth - she is making dealing with your child more difficult, to the point that you are going to have to reconsider having her to stay. Sorry that's a long mini rant of my own but HTH, good luck!! P :) |
Posted By: astral_monkey
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 3:33pm
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There have been some really fantastic replies to your predicament Moody!
I like pumpkino's idea of writing a letter without sending it. I don't have kids yet, but this is how I would probably go about it. 1. Set down the ground rules; we have house rules for the kids, they know when they break the rules they are disciplined. Please don't encourage them to break the rules, or interfere when we punish them. 2. Encourage your guests to be part of the solution; suggest that, in fact, that could help you be an extra set of eyes and explain the punishment so the guest can carry it out too. (Might help to add that you're not wanting another jail warden, just for the kids to understand that just because grandmas here isn't a reason to forget about being sweet little angels). 3. When your guest interferes go to them straight away and politely but firmly explain that you are disciplining your child for breaking the rules either they help you by supporting you, or they leave the room. 4. If they continue to interfere, address your child, reiterate the punishment, and add something like 'grandma is going to go make you a sandwich so when you're finished in timeout you can sit nicely at the table with her and have lunch together'. (Thus re-directing your guests efforts). In saying all that, I'm sure my mum and my MIL will be fine at following whatever rules I set, but Dad & FIL won't give a rats and I won't have a show at talking them round. LOL. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  |
Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 21 July 2010 at 3:47pm
I completely agree with Bizzy. Having recently experienced similar with my own mother (haha!) when visiting family overseas. I particularly agree with Bizzys last point of letting MIL have McKayla to herself for a day or 2. Once I started letting my DDs spend days with my parents, all our relationships improved. Especially my DDs were able to build their own bond with their grandparents without me influencing them. I found when you're not seeing each other regularly there's a trust issue on both sides. I didn't wholeheartedly trust my mum with the girls and I don't think she believed I could do the job either. |