To find out or not...
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Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=35360
Printed Date: 20 August 2025 at 7:40am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: To find out or not...
Posted By: blondy
Subject: To find out or not...
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 6:41pm
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So we're still 2-3 weeks away from having the anatomy scan, but DH and I have very different feelings about finding out the sex!
With Nat, we both wanted to find out, and because I *needed*  to be organised back then (ah, back in the days of feeling in control of my life ), I was completely happy to find out before the birth.
However, my approach to things has changed immensely since Nat arrived, and because this may well be our last child, I'm feeling much more zen-like about the whole thing, and feel like finding out the sex at the birth may be an extra reward after my hard work! Having said all of this, I still respect what DH's wishes are, and if he's completely set on finding out, then I might just have to close my eyes and ears during the scan, and get him to shut his mouth for the remaining 4-5 months! So..... what I really need are some convincing arguments either as a way of convincing DH not to find out (or alternatively for me to find out!) in particular for 2nd+ babies 
so what were some great experiences you may have had either finding out before or after?  -------------  
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Replies:
Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 7:20pm
I loved having DS as a surprise as after all that hard work it was lovely to have at the end. And it was DH that told me what he was and that moment was priceless...DH looked at him then looked back at me and goes its, its, its (long pause lol) a boy hehe it was awesome! 
This time I want another surprise DH would like to find out but is eaisly swayed. So i'm hoping stating my case of, I do all the hard work and I would like the same surprise at the end will get me my own way hehe 
Good luck with you're decision, you could always leave it up to the baby and if it wants you to know you will see and if not it will be a surprise  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 7:33pm
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If your DH finds out , do you think he would be able to keep it a secret ? not just from you ,but from everyone cos its not really fair if the whole world knows what your baby is except you
So maybe tell him that , that he can find out IF, he can manage to keep it to himself and only himself until baby is born . Im probably no help, I always find out (if baby cooperates ) and I love knowing , nor is the moment of birth any less special cos I know, and DH loves knowing too so even if I did think I want a surprise he would veto it , and I would give in easily ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 7:50pm
And can he make sure that he doesn't slip up and always refer to baby has he or she?? I didn't find out with either of the boys. DH wanted to know with Jack but obviously not that badly as he was swayed with my arguement - I do all the work so I decide and we aren't finding out! 
To me it didn't matter if we had a boy or girl so why find out? Plus there are very few surprises left in the world so why not make this one of the few? Next time I would like to try for a girl (we didn't try for a particular gender with the boys) but even then I won't find out at the scan Good luck in deciding ------------- Lindsey 
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TheKelly wrote:Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 7:57pm
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DP didn't want to find out. So we didn't but everyone thought I was having a girl I thought I would have a boy just because everyone said we were having a girl. We had a girl
As my cousin said to me much like what Linzy said There are very few surprises left in this world and this is one of them. At the end of the day you will be happy regardless of what you have as they are the most important thing in the world to you regardless and you will be filled with love for them. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: MamaT
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 8:12pm
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My plan is to not find out for the next one, I want that suprise at the end of it all, if I can wait that long. I think it was nice to know for the first baby, but if (and a big if) DH agrees we'll hold off till the birth. -------------  
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 8:21pm
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Thanks ladies I think part of it is that I'm completely happy with either a boy or girl, (sounds terrible, but we always wanted a girl, so now that we have Nat, I really would love either this time!)
Not sure about DH - he's generally very good at keeping things to himself, but I think it would come down to whether or not he slips up accidentally! I figure I've still got a couple weeks to convince him - I do like the argument that I'm doing all the work so should decide but at the end of the day, we're both rather stubborn, so I really don't know how it's going to go down!
I guess I feel like we've done the finding out beforehand thing, and while that was great at the time, I really would like that magical surprise of finding out after too. and as I said, I'm so much more laid back about everything compared to last time.... it just feels right to do it this way.
Now to just convince DH -------------
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 8:23pm
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DH figured we'd find out eventually why not find out sooner, he's not one for surprises or patience and I wasn't bothered either way.
Having DH away for the 3 months of the pregnancy made it important for me for him to know. If we have a 2nd however I would like it to be a secret, it will def be our last and I want at least one surprise. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Rainbow
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 8:30pm
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If you still can't decide by the time the scan comes around you could do what my SIL did and have the sonographer write it down and seal it in an envelope to take home - then you can choose to look in it or not as the weeks go on!
I didn't find out and loved the surprise at the end. This time, for practical reasons I am thinking it might be easier to know.... but I think DH doesn't! We still have AGES to decide though! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 8:34pm
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I second the envelope idea.. a couple from out ANC did this and opened after the birth (just to check it was right LOL)... drove their friends and family nuts as it was on the fridge the whole time.
We had a surprise first time and I promised DH he could find out next time... Our plan was for him to be the one to tell me what we had but the em c-section changed that plan. When we found out we were pg again I asked him if he still wanted to find out and he said no, he liked the surprise and is really looking forward to being the one to tell me the gender... section or not! Its our way of having him be involved in the process in his own way -------------   
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 8:59pm
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With Lily DP wanted a surprise but I knew I wouldn't be able to last 9 months and if I found out but he didn't I know I would probably have blurted it out! Anyway we came to a compromise of if baby showed us and the sonographer could tell then we'd find out but if not then it would remain a surprise!
Luckily for me DD showed us! It had it's added bonus that DP had wanted a boy so being a girl and knowing gave him time to adjust which took about an hour.
Next time I want a surprise but DP has said no because he wanted a surprise last time... *sigh* but we'll probably do the same thing next time too! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:00pm
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Mel that's a cool idea! But I really don't know if I could last 9 months... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:19pm
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We found out with our first 2, couldn't wait to know and I felt it would help me bond more with them if I were able to think of them as a little boy or girl.
This time round I was like you, very happy to wait and not hoping for either gender over the other. DH really wanted to know though and I didn't feel that strongly about having a surprise so I felt it was fairer oblige him. Also, finding out meant I could shop gender specifically as we hadn't kept any of our baby stuff from our older children! I think if we had both felt really strongly about our positions we might have just had to flip a coin or something as I don't think either one of us would be able to keep it to ourselves (either by accident or through excitement). Good luck with the decision making! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: _SMS_
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:21pm
That is sooooo funny. We found out the sex although i was already 99% sure DD was a girl. And DP always refered to our baby at he. When DD was born he still called her a HE for nearly 2 weeks. I laugh about it now but it made me really mad. I knew it was a girl, but it really didnt cross DPs mind that he wouldnt have a boy. He always though he would have a son. Maybe next time he will get a son
I have also changed the way i look on things like that. Next time we will NOT be finding out the sex of our baby. It helps that we already have everything we need though
It will be our last child, so i would like to have a surprise. It would be such a nice surprise after labour lol  -------------  
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:23pm
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Oh, another argument I just thought of against one knowing and the other not was that when it comes to discussions about names etc, it would be really tricky to keep it a secret when you know that there's not a chance that all the wonderful names your partner suggests like Murtle, Shaniquewa or Grapefruit will actually be used! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:49pm
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I found out both times, purely because Im impatient and I wanted to know what to buy lol
With Caden I was super excited to find out cos he was our first and with bella I was busting to know cos I was secretly hoping for a girl. When we have our next and probably last, I would like a suprise I figure, we have one of each so Im not hoping for a particular sex next time.
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:55pm
No offence,but it makes me laugh when people say this . No,I was not surprised at either of my babies gender when they were born ,but it was still special,and what they looked like, how much they weighed etc , was still a surprise -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:59pm
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Kelly - my argument last time was that it was still a surprise... just at 20 weeks instead of 40 (well, 41+3 ). And the surprise after the birth was finding out what she looked like - so still very special! -------------
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:59pm
Sabrina dp called DD a boy from the moment I was pregnant but I had a feeling form the start she was a girl, plus my grandma who often has 'dreams' of things before they happen told me she had a dream of me sitting on the steps with a mini me crawling around (mini me because it was a baby that looked like me but all in pink) anyway the following week I found out I was UTD! 
But DP said she wouldn't be a boy, so he was a little pissy after wards but soon got over it! So was good for him to find out I think...  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 9:59pm
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Oh and I thought I wouldn't care , since I have one of each already , but I DO actually feel this is a girl ,and want a girl ,and I want time to get used to it if Im blessed with another boy -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 10:17pm
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Its so individual isnt it!
I personally think when you find out and then name and tell everyone it kind of takes the excitement out of it... but thats just me. Obviously for other people it feels completely natural. At the end of the day, its special whatever way you choose to do it because you are still bringing a new being into the world -------------
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Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 20 August 2010 at 10:30pm
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I'm sad DP told everyone our names for baby even when we didn't know what we were having.
We forgot to even check what DD was for about 2mins lol. It wasn't until MW said so what did you have then? that we went oh crap yeah ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 9:15am
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We found out at 20 weeks scan, we havn't formally named her though, for me it doesn't feel right to name her before she's born.
I thought I was having a boy up until the scan, I wasn't disappointed at all, once I knew it was as though she'd always been there which of course she had from conception. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Jessica
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 10:42am
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We were never going to find out for any of the kids but after we had the twins I felt like I needed to know as much as possible, so we found out for lachie but did not tell anyone, for Tessa I was more relaxed about everyhitng and we didn't find out and I loved getting through labour and mum telling us it was a girl - I didn't believe her, I figured I was destined to have all boys! I though she had just missed the 'bits'!
I am really not worried what this one is, although everyone else thinks boy. We are not going to find out, I think I preferred the surprise, but it is totally each to their own. Very few of my friends irl found out. ------------- 
Our con-joined boys 20 wk |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 1:09pm
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Ha, my kids have all been named as soon as we found out what they were .
Caitlyn was Caitlyn Rhianna from 36 weeks (had emergency scan ) Tyler was Tyler Brin from 20 weeks and this one will be Ryan,or Alysha as long as it opens its legs and shows us . -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 1:44pm
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I have found out both times so far, mostly because I needed to be able to buy stuff in bits and pieces, rather than one big shop after baby was here (plus I cant drive for 6 weeks because of c-sections!) as money is always fairly tight. First time it was because we needed to know if we could accept hand-me-downs from relatives who'd all had boys (and he was a boy, so that made it a lot easier with all the cousins outgrown clothes!) 2nd time around DS really wanted a brother as his father and stepmother had just had a little girl, plus MIL didnt have much time left and we wanted to be able to tell her what her first grandchild would be so she could pass peacefully (unfortunately we were too late by a mere 6 days), and tell DS so he could get used to baby being another sister, or the brother he really wanted. Besides, I only had a few items of clothing leftover from B and nothing else, so we needed to start from scratch, and again, couldnt afford to go on a big clothes shopping spree at the end.
This time we will find out as money is even tighter now that I'm not working, and it will help a LOT if i can buy something each week off TM or in sales/laybys etc and put it aside for when baby is here, or keep whats left of DDs stuff instead of selling to use the money on boys clothes (all her NB and 0-3 stuff is gone cos DP swore we werent having another famous last words)
Oh and all my babys have been named within a week of the anatomy scan. With my first we went in and we asked if it was going to be Monieka or Brandon, and the verdict was Brandon, and we called him by that from that day on. With Jae we waited until we knew what baby was before coming up with her name (when I say 'we' I mean DP refused to discuss names til he knew which side of the book we were looking on ) And with this one we have names decided, so when we come out of that scan, baby will again be called by name. I dont like calling my babies 'it' or a nickname, I like calling my baby by name as it feels like part of the bonding process... but thats just me.------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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Posted By: lil_lease
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 1:56pm
DF and I couldnt decide whether to find out or not, and we were still debating it while in the room having the anatomy scan. In the end the scan tech just said "Look, I'm not telling you, there" which I thought was rather rude! So we didnt find out until he was born (a mere 4 days later  ) but it was a nice suprise to have.
This time DF and I dont really want to find out, but I'm starting to lean towards finding out simply because my gut feeling is inconclusive right now lol. My gut feeling with my son was spot on. Sorry, I'm not much help lol. ------------- Antony, gone but never forgotten 2-4-2010 
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Posted By: rorylex
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 2:41pm
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so far we have found out with all 4 boys with our 1st it was just so we knew what we were buying for and what names to look for.
the others i found out becoz i was scared of how i would react after they were born if they were boys. of course they were all boys lol but i was happy regardless. next time we(or I) have decided not to find out as I have 4 boys and im not expecting to have a girl lol so I will be going with the unisex colours and since I have 4 boys i have no problem with boys clothes lol. and if by some miracle we do have a girl i do have a few bits that do for a few days til I get paid and go shopping lol. ------------- Mummy to 4 boys Samuel - 18.6.05 Rory - 15.7.06 Mason - 13.06.08 Emmett - 24.01.10 Baby #5 - cooking |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 3:42pm
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Being able to buy specific girl stuff has been fun, there is so little unisex stuff around and its all white.
I guess with a boy its more obvious at the anatomy scan, with our girl I wouldn't have known if the scan tech hadn't shown us. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: weegee
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 4:15pm
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I don't think I'm much help because we didn't find out either time, can't really articulate why either, just wanted to wait (although I "knew" JJ was a boy so it wasn't a surprise really)
One thing I did want to say though, I remember someone saying to me once that it was better to wait to find out because it was an added incentive when you were pushing, having pushed out a baby now I know that's a crock of sh!t, you don't need any extra incentive to get it out and it didn't make any difference! In fact as you know I didn't even think to look or ask when Addie was born so I didn't know (or care) what she was for a couple of minutes ------------- 
Mum to JJ, 4 July 2008 & Addie, 28 July 2010 |
Posted By: blondy
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 6:05pm
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weegee - I too 'knew' that Nat was a girl, so it didn't really matter when we found out But with this one, I just really don't have strong feelings either way.
So maybe from a purely pragmatic POV it would be better to find out (all our newborn stuff is very girly because we did find out with Nat).... but I think that I just want to experience it 'both ways' and this is probably going to be my last chance to do so! And I also don't have any really articulate reasons as to why I want to do it this way.... which is why I needed some input!
Teehee - I could always book the scan in for when DH is away in Melbourne... and then he wouldn't get a chance to find out! (yes, I'm joking ) I do quite like the envelope idea, but I don't think I would be strong enough to not read it, let alone DH!-------------
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 7:32pm
| The envelope idea sounds cool, but I dont think I would be strong enough either. Id probably look at it the same day haha |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 7:33pm
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Haven't read replies but... we got into a heated debate about this..and partly I wanted to know as most of the family wanted a girl so I wanted them to not be disappointed at the birth , as it was I was very ....intolerant of that attitude:) ..anyway in the end DH relented and let me find out.. even though he didn't want to.. I felt bad as i said we weren't going to with number two but it also helps me bond and get through what is a very difficult time for me...
so we found out but in the end ..and i can't believe i think like this.. I wish we hadn't found out...he was our last child and though c section was planned he almost came naturally... but there was no surprise left really....I guess it's not convincing but in the end DH relented due to me wanting to know more so much and I guess cause I had to do the hard work.. i cant keep secrets so that wasn't an option..if it was the other way round that would have worked though.. I would have been surprised as i was sure he was a girl lol... for me the finding out at birth thing was never going to be an extra incentive.. for me all i wanted was to hear one of them cry (never did until a few mins later for both) and knowing really helped me bond and us stop arguing over the fact Dh wanted to call her Samantha , which while I love the name is not ok with our last name:) (think famous page three girl!) ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 7:36pm
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it's funny how you just 'know' aye, the whole way through my pregnancy with DS I thought he was a boy.
The envelope idea is cool but as much as I wouldn't want to know, curiosity would probably get the better of me if it was in my face every day lol ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: lil_lease
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 7:51pm
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I suggested the envelope idea to my scan tech and she flat out refused ------------- Antony, gone but never forgotten 2-4-2010
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Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 8:01pm
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Elfsmum, I'd have been majorly surprised at birth if I'd waited too as there have been no girls in DPs family since his mother 66 years earlier, and in my family since my sister (mid-20's) its been boys, boys and more boys, so I just assumed it would be another boy (plus I was feeling just as sick as i was with DS!) I got a hell of a shock when the sonographer said girl... glad I didnt wait til birth for that as I'd have had no girly stuff at all, up until the scan I only had boy or neutral clothes I was that 'sure' lol!! ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 8:03pm
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Thats a bit rude Lisa!
I didn't think of not finding out/finding out as a incentive for pushing either, although I did use each push as one less and one closer to meeting 'her!'. It also gave me the chance to name DD, as DP hated ALL the names out there and we only agreed on Lily but he kept 'hating' everything so I just said heres the name like it or lump it! But I think finding out before hand was a good thing for that... That prob doesn't make a lot of sense! I would love a surprise next time! Not sure why... Actually come to think about it I was in a should I/should I not... State of mind before finding out her gender (at the scan) and I did ask the person, can you tell? and she said yes so I was like ok what is it! But I do remember being kinda bummed that I had found out and that it wasn't a surprise anymore but I also felt so excited I was going to have a daughter and I feel like I got to bond a whole lot more with bubs and thinking about what she'd be like... etc! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: amme_eilyk
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 8:05pm
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DH doesnt care too much either way but I want to know. I want to know as it helps me bond with the baby and it has been something I have been looking forward to for months now. It helps breakup the long time waiting for my baby. I also figure it is a suprise either way just now or later.
lol on a side note: dh just had a nosey at what i was posting and asked if dh meant d*ck head lol. |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 9:07pm
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Off Topic,
Lana!  woop!!
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 21 August 2010 at 9:08pm
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haha ta chick! we have told family now so I can have my ticker still not going facebook official tho ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 22 August 2010 at 12:35am
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hehe I wont say a word on there ------------- |
Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 22 August 2010 at 10:05am
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Congrats Noodle!!!!!!!! So happy for chick! -------------
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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 22 August 2010 at 9:05pm
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We didn't find out with Jude and won't with this one either. We like surprises. Well, I think we like the build up more than the actual surprise. With Jude we kind of made a game of it - asking each other what we thought it would be every now and again. DP and I had a weird thing where every couple of nights at bedtime we both say "hmmmm what do you reckon it will be? Boy or Girl?" and then have a guess or say something funny about it. It's not a tradition or anything - just happened like that. It sounds weird but it makes us grin so we thought we would leave it a surprise this time as well. It was fun wondering. At the baby shower everyone guessed the sex, DOB and weight of the baby (and gave the guesses to us, we have them still) - the closest to real date, weight and sex won a prize after Jude was born. So we had fun wondering who was right!
Originally we thought we would like the surprise at the end but the truth is we like the not knowing during pregnancy better! When Jude was born we didn't even think of looking to see what sex he was until my midwife said something about a healthy boy about 5 minutess later and we were like "Ohhhh, it's Jude! Hey Jude! Hey Jude!" Lol and then the student midwife couldn't keep from giggling - I presume she was thinking about the Beatles song. It makes me laugh. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 23 August 2010 at 8:30am
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thanks heaps melnel
oooh and sorry for the bit of a thread jack ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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