Access visits
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Single parenting
Forum Description: Share tips, trials and tribulations about parenting alone
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=36043
Printed Date: 04 November 2025 at 9:41am
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Topic: Access visits
Posted By: Shelt
Subject: Access visits
Date Posted: 01 October 2010 at 10:11pm
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I was just wondering if anyone could tell me if I have any say in the way things happen at the ex's place when it involves our DD. Not in terms of routine but he hasn't got a safety gate for the stairs off the deck (one story up) and I've asked him about it several times and still no gate. There are no safety locks on the laudry cupboard and chemicals just sitting in easy reach, and the ex is bringing DD home in the day before's dirty daycare clothes including the socks she wore the day before. She came home today with a split lip and he says thats coz she has been biting her lip, but it looks to me like she tripped and put her teeth through her lip because there are grazes on her hands and face.
We have a parenting order so she has to go to his house twice a week (Monday arvo for 2.5 hrs and then Thursday evening till Friday evening), but I am a bit concerned about the standard of care she is getting. Does anyone know if I have any right to complain, and who I might complain to? I've talked to a couple of people who have just said its his choice to parent like that but I just feel really worried about the lack of safety gate in particular and sad about the other stuff. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can do. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 01 October 2010 at 10:14pm
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I should add that when I say he is bringing her home in dirty clothes I mean that on Thursday she is at daycare all day and gets paint/dirt/sand/food etc on her clothes and then goes to his house for the night. She comes home the next day in pretty bad condition with food dried on her hands and face and on her clothes. She looks like one of those neglected dirty faced kids no one cares about when he drops her off on Friday. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 02 October 2010 at 8:16am
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If it was me I would say something. It's not that hard to put up a gate and only takes a second to wipe her face and hands.
Whenever I pick DS up from my ex after the weekend he is always wearing the same clothes I dropped him off in, don't know why. But at least last time ex washed DS clothes. Even if they did still smell of smoke. Which reminds me must make sure that he or anyone else is smoking in the house or around ds. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 02 October 2010 at 12:21pm
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I would get the advice of the Family Court given that there are possible safety issues. I doubt that there will be much done - perhaps recommending that he go to a 'parenting' course - but at least you will have raised it formally and have a record of it in case other things arise down the track. The dirty clothes and face etc would annoy me (and make me sad for my child too!) but I think you will find that his style of parenting (or not!) will be seen as his choice. The other thing I would do is (and this is longer term) ensure that you build a relationship with your daughter that allows her to talk to you about anything, and teach her about being clean and tidy etc etc etc. Then you may find that as she gets older, she is able to tell him that she needs to change her clothes, wash her hands etc. I think sometimes the other parent will do things because the child tells them they need to! I guess there are a couple of options for the dirty clothes issue - you could ask daycare to change her into a clean set of clothes just before he picks her up?? Or explicitly ask him if he would mind giving her a bath, or at least changing her clothes. Will that work if you ask him as though he would be doing you a favour?
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 02 October 2010 at 9:51pm
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I have asked him about the gate and at least putting the laundry chemicals up out of her reach. He says he is going to do something about it but nothing has happened yet. I've asked about the dirty clothes too and he says he is putting her in clean clothes at his house and then back in dirty clothes just before I turn up. I have no idea why he would do this and it doesn't ring true to me but I have no evidence to support one way or another.
Thanks for the advice re building a good relationship with DD happymumma. I know that most of the stuff that happens (and there are other things that happen that I don't agree with either, the junk food he feeds her and the TV she is watching are two other things) is stuff that is technically his parenting choices but it still makes me sad that she is being treated like this. I know he would never hurt her intentionally though and I guess thats the main thing. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 03 October 2010 at 8:56am
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It's hard isn't it. But then I guess those things that we disagree with are part of the reason that we are not in those relationships anymore. At least that is the case for me. There are things that bug me about ex-DHs parenting style - most particularly the fact that he teaches my son to be so careful that he becomes afraid to take a chance. DS is completely capable of walking down steps holding on to an adults hand however ex-DH then taught him to sit on his bottom to do it instead of walking. I had to point out that DS was already walking - the odd thing is that he knew that but decided to teach him to be 'careful' anyway!! He also makes a huge fuss whenever DS falls over or does something that potentially hurts so DS now cries at the slightest bump. I have decided that I need to go with what I suggested for you. Instill the values and beliefs that I feel are important and then trust that my little people will follow through with those that they feel are important enough when they are old enough to make the decision. I'm thinking it's something that can happen even when parents live under the same roof except that then you either have more control yourself, or the ability to talk it through with the other adult. Maybe that is our bonus - the fact that we don't have to convince anyone else of the importance - we just get to do it. I really hope it sorts itself out and he is just being slow. And the clothes thing?!?!?! I'm with you...it sounds very odd that he would bothering changing her back - you could just ask that he leave her in the nice clean clothes. Put it to him that then he doesn't need to go to the trouble of changing her again when her doesn't need to! |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 03 October 2010 at 9:22pm
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Yeah thats true about the things we disagree over being part of the reason we are not in a relationship anymore. Its weird that your ex is like that with your DS because mine is like that with my DD too. I had to remind him the other day that he doesn't need to lift her up the stairs, she is perfectly capable of going up them herself he just needs to give her a bit of time because she is slower than him. He doesn't take her outside if it is cold or too hot, and he will carry or push her in the stroller rather than encouraging her to walk. Someone said to me that he is probably like that because we split when DD was 11 months old and he has only had 1.5 days a week contact, he just has no idea how to deal with her or what she is capable of.
I'm going to bring the whole clothes thing up tommorrow when I see him, and ask him about her split lip. Its been bleeding all weekend and I'm a bit concerned that he seems to have lied to me about it. She can't have just bitten it, I had close look at it this morning when I cleaned the dried blood off and there is a chunk of skin missing. Thanks for the advice happymumma. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 04 October 2010 at 10:07pm
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Personally the dirty clothes thing I would just let it go. I have a similar problem, as in my ex picks the kids up from daycare on a Fri and drops them off in the same filthy clothes on Saturday. They have fish and chips every Friday night which I don't love. But to me I think it is a lot more important for them to see their Dad and he needs to find his own feet parenting. I do occasionally mention giving them a bath and not eating crap but it is honestly not life or death stuff. My ex is a fantastic father and just because he parents differently to me doesn't mean I should be watching over his shoulder telling him what to do. He has every right to parent however he wants (unless safety is an issue) just as I do.
With the baby gates I would explain why it is important and even go as far as telling him where to get one from (this is based on the personality of my ex). I don't know how you have been asking but maybe try change your style. |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 7:38pm
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Yeah, I see what you are saying about not watching over his shoulder but he doesn't have a lot of common sense and DD is only 21 months so too little to say much. The clothes I am mainly worried about because she came home covered in vomit which was dried on. She stank to high heaven and its just not cool to leave a kid in clothes they have puked on. I haven't said anything about the junk/TV/late nights/lack of teeth brushing etc coz I understand he's got to make his own choices but when it concerns DD's safety I am not happy to just let things lie.
I've mentioned the large drop off the deck, given him the names of places that stock gates and told him its a safety issue not to have a gate. He agrees he should have one but excuses alternate between he'll get round to it and gates are expensive and he needs to save up for it. He is useless. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 11:12pm
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Shelt, do you supply her clothes? Is he changing her into clothes he owns and then back into yours?
Maybe supply an extra set so if he wants to change her then he can change her into clean clothes not dirty ones. Knowing you, you probably are doing that anyway. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: mum24
Date Posted: 11 October 2010 at 12:56pm
| You can get more free counselling through family court to discuss your concerns with a 3rd party present, your child should have a family court lawyer appted if it is court order visitation. Don't let it sit, safety issues in particular matter, she has a right to be cared for and not neglected in his care, that includes clean clothes, washing her face as well as keeping her safe feeding her enough. Your are her advocate, if you don't protect her and stand up for her who else does? It is hard being a parent it is even harder when we are on our own. |