Help please!
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Topic: Help please!
Posted By: gossamer
Subject: Help please!
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 11:11pm
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I havent posted in a while and not sure this is the right place, but hopefully someone can help.
My fiance and I have two girls, a four and a half year old and an 8 month old. We had our eldest when we were 19. Because we were young, we have always tried to 'make up' for it and we are so aware of our kids possibly being disadvantaged, by our bad choices (having kids young), that I think we have gone too far in the other direction. Our little miss 4 is a lovely girl. Shes confident, responsible, doesn't like to do anything wrong. She dotes on her little sister and has never exhibited any of the signs of jealousy towards her..she always wants to be with her. But recently she has changed. She has started to say no when we ask her to do things, and that is so out of character. She cries at the drop of a hat, over silly things, she can't handle even the tiniest bit of criticism. She also cries like this when she is told no, when she used to take this very well and listen and understand us. She is also now quite ungrateful, and when someone does something for her, or buys her something, she is happy, but in a way seems to expect it? And when we ask her what she would like to do (thinking, maybe the park or the pool, or a movie) she always says something extreme like Rainbows End. I guess I think back to when I was growing up. I was brought up in a wealthy family, but I was so grateful for anything I was ever given, and I never would have expected to go to Rainbows End! That was maybe once a year, or every two years, and it was such a rare thing we would be so excited! Is it a generation thing? Are kids just exposed to too much, and expect too much? My fiance and I want to change things but we don't really know where to begin. Or is it just a stage of growing up? I am just worried for her when she starts school in a few months. We worry we have maybe given her too much as we have never wanted her to miss out on anything. Please, any advice or experiences would be so helpful. Im sure I am like everyone, I just want the best for her. I don't really know where to turn. ------------- T (6) A (2) Our angel baby Sep 2011 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 7:20am
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It sounds like an age thing to me. My 4yr old has just starting saying No. My 5yr turns on the water works at the drop of a hat if he thinks he is in trouble.
What about doing a reward chart. Put on it things she says no to. Get her stickers she likes so she will want to have them on her chart. Then if she fills the chart she get a a reward at the end of the week & it doesn't have to cost, if could be a picnic somewhere, a lucky dip box a family outing. Does she have responsibilities like making her bed, cleaning up, setting the table etc & routines as these can really help them & getting stickers for doing things can give them a sense of pride. I would jsut set or stick to boundaries, give more responsibility & do a lot of 1 on 1 things when you can like baking, reading etc. |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 8:06am
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oh it is so an age thing... households with 4 yr old all over the country are dealing with the same things... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 8:33am
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Sounds like an age thing also here.........my friends daughter is just shy of 5 and is displaying all of that and more
I have talked to my friend about how they are building up starting school too, saying things around her like "i cant believe my baby is starting school" as ya do, but I believe her daughter is feeding off it also and might be starting to get a bit scared of starting school and can sense her mothers fear of her starting school also etc But you are on the right track being aware of it and the only thing you can do from here is stand your ground and re teach her the respect and gratitude she needs to have towards people My son is 6yrs old and he is going through another phase.........hes mostly like your daughter when she is good but also goes down the same track.......they are testing the waters and if they get away with it they will keep doing it. It doesnt last long if you stay firm and strong and now is prob the time to introduce good behaviour charts. We dont use it all the time but when his behaviour starts slipping we bring it back so he can track his own good behaviour and it helps him focus on a couple of things he might be slipping in........... I hope that helps a bit and good luck, this is just the beginning unfortunately. Oh and dont blame yourself at ALL you sound like youve done a wonderful job and made the right choices despite your age.........I too had my first at 19 |
Posted By: jjands
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 8:52am
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Def an age thing!
You sound like you're doing a great job :) |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:09am
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age. definitely. sigh.
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:13am
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Yup I agree, it is not something you have done it is a normal stage.
My daughter (now 6) was exhausting in the months before she started school and a few after that too. She went from being so happy and helpful and easy to acting spoiled and sulky and everything became a negotiation. I found Nigel Latta's book 'Before your kids drive you crazy, read this' helpful. It gave me some new ways to approach the behaviour when it occurred. We made up some house rules as a family and put them on the fridge. They are rules that apply to all of us so there is no room for excuses or negotiation. Eg: Use nice voices to speak to each other, No hitting, ever.. We also started giving her responsibilities so she could learn about the value of money (we had been starting to get big demands too). Her jobs were making her bed every day and emptying the dishwasher with me. She chose something she wanted to buy (we started small with a $10 item) and put stickers on the chart each week until she'd earned enough to get it. She really loved this, seeing the weeks count down and the money grow in her container until she could buy it. The other thing that really helped was making a point of reinforcing the positives in her behaviour. When she did something the first time we asked her we'd make sure we thanked her and told her how much that helped us. Or when she did something kind for her little brother, we'd tell her how lovely that was and how proud we were that she is such a kind, caring girl. Good luck, however you decide to approach it. Oh, and make sure your DP is on the same page and doing the same as you. Consistency and a united front are so important! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:18am
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Oh and another thing I just thought to add, keep reassuring yourself that it will pass.
My DD is just gorgeous and so much fun to be around again now. ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:24am
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Yes - definitely a 4 yr old thing - my 4 yr old is doing the exact same thing, saying No in every instance!!! It's like she's turned septic in the past month, and she's going to school end of this month and I can't wait!!! She is a sweet little girl, well mannered and natured, but she can be a little so-and-so at times. Gah!!! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:32am
| Sounds exactly my hideous four year old. I'm just holding on to the fact that it will pass!! |
Posted By: gossamer
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 11:32am
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Wow, you are all amazing! Thank you so, so much for all your replies. I went to bed so worried last night, thinking I was the worst mum ever!
She does have her own routine, making her bed and tidying up etc, but we havent had a sticker chart for a while now so I think that would be a good idea. Im going to seek out that book too CaraMEL! So, so true about the united front. We both want the same things for her but we don't actually get much time to sit down together and see if we are expecting the same from her. I guess it would be very confusing to have two sets of boundaries. Truly I dont think I can explain how much all your words have helped, I feel a lot better about it today. Thank you  ------------- T (6) A (2) Our angel baby Sep 2011 http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jaycee
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 12:07pm
Yep, I have got one too  . Just about everyone of my friends with a 4 year old commented that their child woke up a different child when they turned 4, literally overnight. As the others have said, I keep thinking " this will pass" but I hope that it is soon!!-------------   
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Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 3:07pm
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lol defintiely an age thing! I'm still waiting for Mr almost 7 to snap out of it! We arent particularly well off but we get by enough to afford the occasional treat or day out, but like you say with your girl, they come to expect it, rather than appreciate it.. so now we reserve things like that for when he is being very well behaved, or special occasions (like going under his first GA last month) so hes a little less expectant of them, but he still whinges and carries on if he doesnt get something he 'needs' (read - toy that he wants) ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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