Pregnant and telling friends TTC?
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=38240
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Topic: Pregnant and telling friends TTC?
Posted By: Mrs_B
Subject: Pregnant and telling friends TTC?
Date Posted: 02 March 2011 at 7:43pm
I hope this doesn't seem insensitive. We are pregnant with #2 and have two couple we are good friends with that are struggling to conceive, how do I diplomatically tell them? I feel bad as we have our son and now pregnant with #2 in the time they have been TTC  -------------  
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Replies:
Posted By: babycrazy
Date Posted: 02 March 2011 at 8:30pm
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Hi Mrs_B,
Although I haven't been in your position, I am in the position of your friends. I don't think you sound insensitive infact I would think the opposite as the fact your asking this question shows you care . Anyway...my friend started ttc number 3 sometime after we started on #1 and within a few months was UTD again. I found out because I asked and she was honest. She also said that she was waiting for me to have 'special' news too before telling me. Even though it hurt to hear that again someone else was pregnant I was glad to know rather than find out much later. So in my round about way I guess I'm trying to say as long as you acknowledge their struggle just be open and honest. I think it could be worse for them if they were to find out much later and through another source if you get what I mean. I hope that was helpful lol even if a bit long winded. Good Luck |
Posted By: Mrs_B
Date Posted: 02 March 2011 at 8:35pm
Thanks babycrazy. I was hoping someone in my friend's position would reply. Good luck with your TTC journey, I hope it is successful really soon  -------------
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 02 March 2011 at 9:04pm
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We are currently waiting to get on the IVF waiting list and i have to say my heart breaks a little bit when i find out when someone is pregnant. Personally i find it easier when i find out by text, facebook etc that way i can have a little cry without being face-to-face with the person
In saying that the best way to deal with it is to be honest with your friend. There is nothing worse then people feeling they cant talk to you about being pregnant because having trouble TTC doesnt make you a different person. She may be a bit upset at first but trust me she will be happy for you |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 3:57am
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Yea, you've been given good advice. Tell them as soon as you can - but make sure they've got space to be sad, because even though they'll be happy for you, they'll be sad for themselves. -------------   
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 7:40am
Thats a nice way of putting it Hopes because she will be happy for you |
Hopes wrote:Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 10:31am
| Share the news full stop. Keep it to the bare minimum. If they want to hear more they will ask. |
Posted By: Mrs_B
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 11:37am
Not sure what you mean by that? We haven't told anyone yet so it's not as if we are keeping it from them. -------------
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 12:00pm
| Sorry I was just answering your original question of "How do I diplomatically tell them?" I mean when you tell them, simply tell them, don't go into lots of excited detail. If they want to know more they will ask you. |
Posted By: Jaune
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 1:59pm
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I don't have anything to add except that I was in a similar situation - my friend got UTD with her 2nd baby while I was I was TTC my first with difficulty. She told me and I burst into tears...and I felt really really guilty about it and that it may have taken away from her happy news - even though I was totally over the moon for her, I so wished that it was me! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Ceres
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 3:58pm
100% agree. When we were struggling to conceive, we had friends in the exact same boat as you, and they told us they were pregnant with the second on a day we'd received yet more bad news about why things weren't happening for us. It took all my effort not to burst into tears and feign happiness; because whilst I was happy for them, it's a stark reminder of your own difficult journey. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  <
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 4:09pm
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I've been on both sides of the fence as it took us 2 m/c's and 3 years of infertility to have my daughter.
Yeah, tell them in a way that gives them a chance to go away and have a cry/be angry/frustrated etc if they need it. It really hurt finding out, there's no way around that but it was even worse when I realised friends were hiding it from me and I'd find out 2nd hand. Again, when you're with them don't bring it up, but don't hide it either. But my biggest advice is don't EVER moan to them how crap you feel whilst you're pregnant. For over 3 years I would have sold my soul to feel crap but be pregnant. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Mrs_B
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 4:13pm
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So by text or emailing them would be okay? In order to give them time to digest it? Rather than face to face where they might think they have to feign happiness for me? -------------
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 4:29pm
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It would have been fine for me. I'd acknowledge their hard journey though so they know you're hearts in the right place. Maybe something like..."Just thought you should know we're 13 weeks pregnant. I know this is a bit bittersweet for you but I didn't want you to find out 2nd hand. I understand though that this might make it a bit difficult between us but really value our friendship and don't want to lose touch." They probably will be happy for you, but at the same time it'll really hurt so this way they can respond in their own time without having to fake a smile when all they might want to do is cry. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Atiamuri
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 6:07pm
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I've been in the situation of friends choosing not to tell me because I guess they're worried about my response. True, but I'd much rather be told personally. It was horrible to find out through friends, husband etc. I would be really happy if a friend said 'I'm really sorry that having a baby has been so hard for you. I know it is really hard but I wanted to tell you before you hear from someone else that I'm pregnant'. Leave it at that and see what response you get - if they ask, answer but don't ramble or change the subject. Thats what I would want anyway (and it hasn't happened about 6 times since we have been TTC after mc).
Good luck :) |
Posted By: KH25
Date Posted: 03 March 2011 at 9:26pm
Yip, I agree with the others, text or email telling them but also being considerate of their feelings so they can have a rant/cry or whatever. And let them know that it's ok for them to feel upset with life and they can give you a call when they are feeling up to it. But I'm sure you'll do it right anyway as just asking on here shows that you obviously care  ------------- Kelly, mum to DD, 19Jun06 (26wks 1lb15oz) DS1, 24Oct10 (32wks 4lb11oz) and DS2, 31Dec11 (32wks, 4lb11) http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 04 March 2011 at 5:41pm
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Congratulations!
Definitely just tell them. I found/find it easier to find out by email/txt but just don't tell them last or keep putting it off though, as they may find out through someone else first. Someone did that to me and it hurt my feelings even more. Good luck, they will probably be a bit upset at first, its not at you, just their own situation. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 3 Angels - Dec10 / Mar11 / Dec11
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Posted By: Orca1
Date Posted: 05 March 2011 at 11:43am
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Congratulations!
I have been on both sides and neither situation is easy to be in. I agree with what has already been said, tell them and let them digest your news. -------------  DD born 2008 Oct 2009, April 2010, Dec 2010, June 20117 x IVF/ICSI/PGD = BFN |
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 06 March 2011 at 7:23pm
Just spit it out Mrs B  You're torturing yourself over potentially torturing your friends  - it's good of you to care so much, but you can't change their situation or your own. Your baby is something to celebrate, and hopefully they will feel the same way. Announce it in a way you feel comfortable with (if you would tell most of your friends by text or FB, then go ahead that way, otherwise face to face) and that will help your friends feel more comfortable with it. I heard a *lot* of pregnancy announcements in the 5 years we were trying to have Cuinn, and I promise the only one I cried over was when I was told the person was pregnant and that my friend had died in an accident in back-to-back sentences - and the tears were for my friend  Facebook/email/text seems a good way to get the news out regardless - that way you can say you're doing it that way so that no one gets their knickers in a twist about not knowing at the same time as everyone else  ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: Princess_Bubs
Date Posted: 07 March 2011 at 9:58am
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Very topical thread :) I just had a private message on facebook from a lovely girl I went to highschool with (She had a m/c around the time I had my first one). I've seen her once in the last year at a BBQ, and we had a bit of a cry together. (She had a bracelet on that said "It's not a little loss, it's a little life"
Anyway, I just got the most lovely message from her to tell me that she's 13 weeks pregnant, and she hasn't told anyone else yet, but she really wanted me to hear it from her. She also said she thinks of me all the time and hope's that I will have a baby soon as I'd be an amazing mum. It really warmed my heart and I thought it was ever so thoughtful of her. I'd recommend something like that ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Two Precious Angel Babies 2010 / 2011
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Posted By: Mrs_B
Date Posted: 07 March 2011 at 12:02pm
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Thanks for your responses ladies. I sent them both an email a couple of days ago and they both responded straight away to say thanks for thinking of them and they were really happy for us. -------------
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