Another Baby...?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=38536
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Topic: Another Baby...?
Posted By: Bubie
Subject: Another Baby...?
Date Posted: 24 March 2011 at 9:40pm
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Hi Everyone
DS is nearly 11 months old, now for some reason at the moment im getting really clucky around new babies  Just wondering when is a good time to try for a second baby ? And weather we should or not ? Ive heard a 2 year age gap is good. But DS is our first child and both my and DP's families dont get on, and i dont get on with his Mother, mainly since our DS came along as she said some nasty things to me while i was in hospital with DS and hasnt really bothered with him unless it suits her, now one thing i said was that i wanted to buy a house before we have our second child, we are only both 20 but that isnt going to happen for awhile.
What would u do if you were in my situation ? I really would like another one, but dont know how DS would handle it as he is quite demanding and loves having all my attention and i feel if i had another baby then i would somehow feel guilty for DS but at the same time i do want another  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 24 March 2011 at 9:46pm
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I say if it feels right to you, go for it. Children are very adaptable and I'm sure your son will get used to it soon. And it doesn't mean that you will love him any less when the second one arrives!
I'm not speaking from personal experience as I only have the one child, but my sister and I are 18 months apart, and my mother said I got used to her arrival pretty fast. Hey, I certainly don't remember it, and we turned out pretty well! I would have thought it would be worse if the child was a lot older, because by then they've had years of your undivided attention, and then suddenly they have to share. But that's just what I think.
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Posted By: Kalimirella
Date Posted: 24 March 2011 at 10:17pm
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I think whatever age gap you decide on will be fine, children are very adaptable, and before 18mths (or so) babies/toddlers have less awareness of themselves as a separate entity or individual and tend to accept another baby easier.
I like short gaps :D as you can see my baby is the same age as yours and I'm almost halfway onto the next one :D My mum had all short gaps with us 4 and it worked out marvelously, we never had a shortage of friends our age (and in general we did get on) so their are definite bonuses. We still don't have our own home, but are saving up our deposit, we do plan to be in our own home in the next 2 years, we were hoping for a bit quicker but things keep coming up (damn dentists!) etc. ------------- Kiara is 3 and Teagan is 2, now we're expecting our long awaited 3rd! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 24 March 2011 at 10:29pm
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I have a 21 month age gap with mine and in some ways, if i had had more time up my sleeve age wise, i would have preferred a bigger gap.
They are adaptable, but now i have 2 it is hard to get 1:1 with them. If you waited till your older one would be at kindy then you'd have more nice time with baby and the toddler would have all this special time with you now. 1-3 is a really cool age and they change so much. 2 kids is a lot harder than i thought it would be. Like you i have little/no family support and my DS1 was such an easy boy i expected more of the same. Wrong. DS2 screamed non-stop, would not sleep in his bed, basically had to be carried asleep and awake for the first 4 months. I felt bad for my poor toddler who was really missing out on his mummy. And that mummy was stressed, crying, yelling, tired and really not very nice. The transition for the toddler having a sibling was quite easy, it was more the loss of our time that i miss, and also i hardly get any quiet time with my 1yo. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: QTMum
Date Posted: 25 March 2011 at 7:40am
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There is less than a year between my brother and I and ther will be 5 years almost to the day between my two.
I think there are pros and cons to any age gap you might choose. You just need to do what feels right for you. I am so excited to have had loads of quality time 1:1 with DS and with him starting school I'm lucky enough to be able to do the same with DD. Also I am not anticipating any jealousy or attention issues when the baby arrives because DS has a great understanding of what is going on. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 25 March 2011 at 9:23am
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DP and I are also 20. He wanted a bigger age gap while I wanted a smaller age gap (my 4 older siblings are from 17-11 years older than me!) where as he has 2 younger brothers that are 4.5 and 8 years younger. He has given it some thought and would like about 3yrs between babies but now I want to wait until my daughter is about 5 before having another. There are pros and cons no matter what. Another thing is are there things you want to do first before having a baby? DP is finishing his degree end of next year I am starting mine next year which is one reason we aren't having another. Another thing would be can you afford another? For us we could as we don't actually have any major expenses apart from nappies and wipes... We BF and DD eats exactly what we eat so no expenses there. Oh and clothes!
At the end of the day it is up to you and your partner. Good luck!
Oh and re the handling - you never know until it happens really, the other day a baby my daughters age came and gave me a cuddle and my daughter got quite jealous and was trying to get in the way and push the other baby out etc but I cuddled a new born last weekend and she didn't even care! Just wanted milk when the baby was getting fed! But the hug incident made me think 'Omg what's going to happen if I ever have another?!' but after the NB one I think it'll be ok but I want to wait until she is at school so that she is gone from 9-3pm so I can get good 1-1 time with the new baby but my daughter won't lose my attention etc. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BayGirl
Date Posted: 25 March 2011 at 12:07pm
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I am 21 and Dp is 25. For a while i wanted another pretty much soon er rather than later. However after talking to some other people i knew who were older but had children young a lot of the advice is that 2 under 5 is hard hard hard work.
It's totally up to you but for me i am just starting to come out of the fog of 9 months of only thinking about, looking after DD. I lover her to pieces but i also love begining to get some me time back. AND i am studying too so another one is not an option. It's totally up to you but given you are still young you have years and years to have babies. My fear is that if i have another soon and decide that is our family completed. By the time i get to 30 and my babies are little anymore i will want to start again and have more. For me it's better to space it out for about a 5 year age gap. -------------   
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Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 25 March 2011 at 12:42pm
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As you can see, we didn't really muck about.. DS is 14 months and we will have our second baby in a couple of months making them 16 months apart.
I grew up with very close siblings, my sister being the eldest, there are 12 months between my sister and brother and 16 months between my brother and I so we are all a year apart and I LOVED that growing up. My brother and I were always so close and did everything together. All our friends were pretty similar ages so we could all play together and we always had heaps of fun (of course there were the fights and arguments but that happens at any age). Our ultimate decision rested on the fact that we wanted that for our children. We have only ever wanted two and our thoughts were that we wanted them close so they could grow up together and be great buddies (well, that's the plan )
Also we thought about where we want to be in five years, I love being a SAHM but I do miss working very much so when I do go back (when the youngest is at school) I want to be able to get back into work and get back to the job I loved doing without having another maternity break. Nothing wrong with breaking it up and stopping again down the line, but personally wanted to get back to it and stay there. We are pretty young, I am 25 and DH is 28 (29 soon  ) and we wanted a young family. My Mum had us in her very early 20's and I love that I will (god willing) have her around for lots more years yet.
I don't think there is a 'best time' or 'best age gap' just a best time for you and your family ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BessieBear
Date Posted: 25 March 2011 at 2:14pm
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DS was 11 months when I got UTD with DD, I think the gap is perfect. ------------- Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel  07/08/2014
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 28 March 2011 at 8:20pm
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I had my first at 20, nearly 21, so young too. I have 19 months between my two, which was really tough at first but my husband is away most of the year so that is hard (he got home 3 weeks before I had #2, and left 1 week after). There's so much more you CAN'T do with 2 kids, especially if you're like the majority of us that can't actually afford to dump their kids at daycare 2-3 days a week to spend time with the new baby.
As for adjusting, my son didn't really have any trouble, he was too little. And now it's just as it is. I felt the guilt that I'd be taking love away from him, but as my mum said, your love grows to accommodate as many people as needed, it's not a finite source that you need to give out sparingly. If I had my time again 1) I wouldn't have had kids so young as in a few years my husband won't be going away as much and life would be a lot easier for me 2) I would have had a bigger age gap purely to continue my career in between kids. You need to think about what you want in 5-10 years too. Do you still want to be a SAHM then? Is it affordable (generally not for most people)? If you are going to have to return to the workforce, how are you going to keep in the loop while on maternity leave, when everything moves so quickly? I found having 2 years out of teaching was way too long (started back when Ava was 5 months) and it made keeping up a bit harder as so much had happened in that time. |
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 28 March 2011 at 9:11pm
Really good points about looking to the future etc ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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emz wrote:Posted By: millymollymandy
Date Posted: 28 March 2011 at 9:30pm
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Seriously I reckon you just make stuff work! And there would be something nice about having kids young, as when you get to my age (nearly 20 years older) they be off your hands! Plus you have heaps of energy too.
While I think its really good to make plan about what else you want to do in life, I don't agree that keeping in the loop carear wise is super important. Many people my age are retraining and taking on new carears and doing it successfully. Gosh I didn't start working in a carear job till I was 23 anyway (and took 2 years away at 27 to muck around in Europe) and still managed to have a very succesful carear. There's a lot to be said for keeping going with young children while you are in the thick of it, personally I would struggle to go back if I had independent children. |
Posted By: tictacjunkie
Date Posted: 29 March 2011 at 12:49am
| I started young as well, 19 when I had our first, ds was born days before DH's 23rd birthday. For us we've always planned to have a large family, but also have time for ourselves later, so short age gaps was the way to go. I also didn't want to be dealing with teenagers & toddlers at the same time like my Mum did. I honestly think personality is more important than age gap as to how the kids get along, & you can't predict that! |
Posted By: Bubie
Date Posted: 31 March 2011 at 8:00pm
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Thanks everyone, guess what will happen is meant to be But on the otherhand my DS had his first tantrum the other day, his feet were going everywhere all because i moved him away from something he shouldnt be touching, so now i have to master how to stop him from having a tantrum ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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