Romanticising ’Family’ / Evening Routines
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Topic: Romanticising ’Family’ / Evening Routines
Posted By: MrsH
Subject: Romanticising ’Family’ / Evening Routines
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 9:32pm
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I have a bit of a predicament that I was hoping I could get some advice or perspective on. I'm looking for honest opinions.
To give you a bit of background, I didn't grow up with a Dad so I've always had an idea in my head of how a family should be, how they should behave - basically how it would work. Now DH and I are currently having 'a thing'. He plays football on the weekend which is up to 4-6 hours away from home on Saturday. He tries to go to the gym each day of the weekend which is about 1.5 hours each time. He also wants to go to the gym three evenings a week during the week from 6-730pm. We have a toddler - 'nuff said right? Dinner time and toddlers don't appear to mix in my world and with DH going off to the gym at that time of night, well, let's just say that it f*cks me off. He says that it's the best time to go, the only time his training partner wants to go and he's not so famished so he can have a decent workout etc. but all the while, I'm literally left holding the baby. I've tried raising it with him but we just end up arguing. He thinks the only way to fix this is for me to tell him what I want him to stop (gym or football). The thing is, I don't know what I want from it..... I've done a bit of delving into why it pisses me off so much and so far I have come up with the following reasons: - I'm jealous that he gets so much time to do his hobbies (although I go to the gym every morning when DS isn't even awake, plus going in the morning isn't convenient for DH) - I'm angry that I get stuck with the hard job (evening crazy-time) and then he swans in from the gym wondering where tea is - I want to start getting DS to bed earlier (at present, he is anywhere from 830 - 9pm because we're not eating until 730 - 8 - again my idea of family eating together) - I thought that dinner times/evening time is family time and that family came first and hobbies came second - I'm angry that DH isn't trying to find a mutually beneficial solution (it's my decision on what I want him to do as long as I stop nagging him) - I feel like I've sacrificed hobbies for the good of 'the family'. I feel that DS should see us both in the evenings and that neither of us should do the 'solo parent thing' for the sake of a hobbie (For work, it would be totally different) Now, my questions of you are: - If anyone is in a similar position, how do you work? What is your routine? And how do you ensure that you both feel like you're winning? - Am I romanticising the notion of what a family should be like in the evenings? In this day/age, with both parents working, sports and hobbies being the main social outlet, are my ideas outdated and unreasonable? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Replies:
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 9:45pm
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I'm all for "family time" in the evenings, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. It seems you guys have different ideas about what's important and when. That's not to say your DH doesn't think family time is important, but clearly exercise and his hobbies are important to him so he's trying to fit them in.
My DH plays sport on the weekends, but he plays tennis and squash which doesn't involve the pub afterwards and is generally only a couple of hours out of the weekend when he plays. We don't eat dinner with the kids in the evenings as DH works late. I do tea/bath/bedtime alone most weeknights, if DH is home then that's a bonus. Because we both agree that family time is important, we make an effort to have breakfast together every morning, that's our time to sit together at the table and chat and DH also gets DS1 up in the mornings so they can spend time together. Sorry, I know it's not the same situation, but this is how we deal with it :) Also, DH and I eat together every night after the kids are in bed. I think family time is important but I also think it's really important for DH and I to have couple time so the evenings are it for us! That said, I do pack a sad (even though he's late because of work) every once in a while and if he's not home and ready to eat by 8pm then I will eat alone and DH gets reheated leftovers. Before we had kids I would wait, but now I want to eat and get to bed at a normal hour! Sorry for the novel ;) Good luck with working it out with your DH. ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: blossombaby
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 9:55pm
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mmmmmm I am in a similar position re night times and weekends. Not all dps fault tho
Dp works long hours during the week and I have chosen to go back to work parttime (tho he thinks i should stay home and can't understand why I would WANT to work ... I tried explaining me going to work is like a hobby now! he doesn't understand that!) However I work Sat, Sun, and Thursday pm - absolutely not ideal as we don't get a family day as such and we don't see each other on a Thursday as i leave for work before he gets home but I have some satifaction (don't know it thats the correct word)  That hes home with the baby doing what i'm stuck doing all week? - he always usally gets someone to come over or take her for a couple of hours 1 day in the weekend so he can "do things" while i totaly understand Its hard and that he is at work ALL week ...
HE SHOULD NOT HAVE SIGNED UP TO A RUGBY TEAM!!!!!!!! He now has training and a 'beer' on a wednesday night again doesnt get home till about 8.30 or 9 (whilst i dont mind this i am totally jealous he has some time to himself to hang with friends will im running round cooking tea, bath and feeding baby then putting her to bed!) And then has a game on a Sat which = about 4hours by the time he gets there early fluffs round afterwards etc .. he also comes home and plans to go to the clubrooms but the baby ALWAYS plays up on a Sat so he never makes it down  - now hes decided he needs to hit the gym at least twice a week.
I guess he feels i'm "Winning" as im home most of the time with her but i feel like hes "Winning" cos hes not stuck being at home as such and he also gets hobbies and help from family on the weekends. While during the week I have to 'deal' with it all and the house. I'm guessing like you said before it maybe this day/age nights and weekends aren't family time as such like they used to be?? |
Posted By: crakars
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 10:03pm
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Well i have to say that i am very lucky as my DH is home by 5:15 most days and plays no sport in the weekends - we all eat at the same time 6pmish so that there are two of us helping with cooking, looking after, baths, bed, books etc - i occasionally do it by myself when DH has to travel but not very often.
We feel/believe that this is what parenting is about - but then we are lucky that we can. -------------  http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: blossombaby
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 10:22pm
When we are both home together DP is amazing and when he has her by himeslef - have no worries about what he does/doesnt do .. he does it all pooey naps, dresses her, bathtime, food etc. 
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Posted By: tiptoes
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 10:25pm
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That does sound a lot, and like he's getting to do everything like he probably used to (before kids) and you've given up everything.
Personally I'd say no way to three evenings at the gym + all those hours on the weekend. When you say mornings aren't convenient, do you mean he would rather sleep or that it just wouldn't work with his work schedule. If it's possible, eg he gets up at 5am I'd say that's how he needs to work it if the gym is that important or to go during his lunchbreak. Perhaps once a week in the evening is fair enough but 3x and loads of hours on the weekend doesn't sound very even. ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">  
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Posted By: kiwigal
Date Posted: 13 April 2011 at 10:55pm
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I don't have this problem as Dh is not sports minded. You could compromise when he is at home he takes on the responsibilty while you may want to do a night class, visit a friend and have that time to yourself. |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 12:20am
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Your lucky you get to see him... I would give anything for one normal day here but it doesn't happen. Work not hobbies but I basically do it all my own, always have as DP works nights and begins at 2pm comes home at whenever and doesn't get up until 12pm most days. Yup, can someone come kick him in the ass to get out of bed. We never have evening meals together or breakfast if I'm lucky I get home from whatever activity I do with DD in the morning in time for him to eat a bowl of cereal and play with DD for 10mins before he goes to work.
But I would be telling him to go to the gym in the morning and then you can go at night while he does the bath etc. So what if his training partner goes at that time find a new one! Another option is if your at the same gym that you can maybe find a sitter to have DS in the evening and you can be his training partner. But for now I would do dinner at a reasonable time for DS and get him to bed and MAKE DH miss out on that family time. I know where your coming from, but is it worth it in the long run? They have the best part of their sleep between 8-12 I've heard. Then maybe he will realise he is missing out on so much and he will make the right decision or make it work? I'm a bit hard when it comes to things like that. If on the odd occasion DP is home in the evening and he isn't inside the house when its 7.30 knowing thats the time I put her to bed then he misses out on seeing her before she goes to bed. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: ChildsPlay
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:37am
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Mrs H - This is only my opinion.. And firstly can I say you're doing a great job - it's very hard to do things on your own.
I don't think it should matter if you had a dad or not - you have an idea of how you would like your house to work and it's not working for you so of course you have the right to change it..!! Theoretically I never had a dad - he worked like a trooper and spent the rest of the time at the pub so it was always me, my bro and my mum. It sounds mean, cause my dad is great in his way but was sadly missed a lot in childhood. I think family time is extrememly important..! I don't know how old your toddler is, but they do feel the absence. I'm not in your position as such - my DP works from 6am - 8.30pm Monday to Friday to help us with the bills so I'm alone a lot.. And even though working is different from hobbies it still means DP is away from the house a lot. I understand that people need their hobbies etc to keep sane, but I would put my foot down and demand that the gym time be either early morning or later at night once your little one in bed or one the way to bed. It's very selfish of him to have time away from the home to do personal things - if it's work it's different. I wish you all the best of luck with that one and hope that you can adjust things to suit EVERYONE in your home..  ------------- http://lilypie.com">   
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Posted By: Mum_mum
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 8:18am
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Sorry not too much help with the hobbie etc but I do think you should try to get dinner in to DS round 5:30-6pm, then bath and bed by 7 or 7:30pm. This way its going to give YOU a break after 7pm. Although I understand wanting to eat together waiting for DH to come home and be ready for dinner at 8pm is just way to late for a little guy! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
 Angel baby - May 2008
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Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 10:44am
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I'm not in the same position as DH isn't into sports etc but I have to agree with others in that there has to be some give and take on both sides here.
I like us all to have dinner as a family, I'm fortunate that DH generally works a 7am-5pm Mon-Fri job so we always have dinner as a family around 5.15pm, not only because it's important to both of us but because DS gets into the bath at 6.20pm each night so when DH gets home from work it's dinner, they play together while I clean up then DH baths him, he's in bed by 7pm and then DH and I have our evenings together. If DH had a hobby or wanted to go out, of course I don't mind doing the routine on my own for a night or two a week (and often do when he travels for work) but that's our routine and DH knows it's important for our family so generally we stick with it and work around it ie. he will go out after 7pm so we are both having a 'break' when DS in in bed for the night. I'm not saying it's easy for everyone to do the same thing as even from the above responses, work hours vary and that's just life but if he has a choice between a hobby and family time which is important to you - I think it should be important to him also and there needs to be some kind of compromise made. All the very best, I hope you can find something that works for you all! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 11:14am
| I agree with MrsEmma that a compromise is needed. Sure, he needs his hobbies but it sounds to me like he is being completely selfish at the moment and I would be furious if I was you as well. I could understand if it was work but going to the gym is hardly more important than spending time with your family in the evenings! |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 12:02pm
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I guess I'm in a similar situation - my DP works long hours (5am - 6 ish), plays rugby and goes to karate. He has one practice and a game which takes most of Sat, esp for away games (He was looking at playing Div1 which would have meant an extra practise but in the end decided against it luckily). Karate was twice a week, but he cut it back to once when our 3rd was born. I understand them wanting to do something that's not work, but do think your DH is asking a bit much to have to go to the gym 3 nights a week!
All the time away use to pee me off more than it does now cos when I look at my day - even though I don't get time just to myself, I do get to meet up with friends lots, have coffees at cafes, go shopping, go for walks, have some internet time and so on... I was actually talking about this very topic with my friend a few days ago, and we were saying how lucky we feel to be SAHMs cos I really enjoy the lifestyle. I don't at all feel stuck at home, I feel lucky to be at home (most the time  ). So even though I really don't have any hobbies that I have time away from the kids for at the mo, I'm okay with it, and when they're older it will get easier for me to do something too. So I guess that's how it works for us...
I do agree it's important to do stuff together as a family as well - and each weekend we normally spend one day doing something together (like swimming, the park, museum, beach etc). We often go watch his game on the Saturday as well, the kids enjoy it, a good run around in the fresh air and gets us out of the house. Generally day to day stuff with the kids is usually just me, although, he does help out more now number three has arrived. eta - just thought I'd add, I don't mean it to sound like you feel stuck at home or that you don't feel lucky to be a SAHM or anything like that - I just mean that for me it is thinking about how lucky I am that I can be home with kids and do what I do that helps me be happy with our situation IYGWIM.. ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 12:49pm
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i dont think its ever the way we imagine family like to be! You just have to adjust your expectations sometimes. If he is at the gym 3 nights out of 7 then thats not too bad. My husband can be 3 nights out of 7 away at dinner time due to work commitments. is it possible to have an early dinner together before he goes to the gym? part of being the mum sometimes means you have to be more organised and if that means planning and preparing dinner earlier to make evenings run more smoothly then thats just what we have to do. And maybe you do need to tell him that No i dont want you to go to the gym at night or maybe tell him if he went later it work better for you as a family. Or maybe the trade off is that he has to take the kid to the park or the pools or do an activity together so he doesnt miss out on his daddy. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: MrsMac
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:22pm
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Could he forego the gym on one of the weekend days (the day he doesn't have sport) so that one whole weekend day is designated 'Family Day'? and could you share crazy-evening-time so you feed DS while he is at the gym, then as soon as he gets home he takes over for the bath/book/bed side of it, while you dish up tea for the two of you or have a bit of quiet 'you' time? With him getting to bed a little earlier you can then enjoy more couple time too! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: MrsH
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:38pm
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Thanks everyone for your replies, can't say much at the moment but will respond tonight.
Just for the record though, I'm unfortunately not a SAHM, I'm in paid employment full time in the CBD. I leave the house at 6.50am, gym, work, home by 530pm. DH is a builder so he can't go to the gym during the day. He gets DS up at 720am, out the door at 7.30am, drop off at Nana/GDads, work, pick up at 5.20pm, home by 530pm. (If we had 2 carseats and a safer runabout, I could pick DS up). So we have similar working hours, the difference (which is often pointed out to me) is that he works a physical job all day and I sit on my arse. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:38pm
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How about you and DH alternate morning/evening gym visits, that way he has to do dinner for bub and you the night you are at the gym. Sorry havent read the other posts. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
Posted By: MissCandice
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:44pm
Again, i havent read the posts, but i think not having a dad growing up influences on what your opinion of the ideal family is. To OP not having a dad has made her want 'family' time with mum and dad and this could be because she didnt ge this growing up. I never had a dad, and i too feel like i need and want dinners together as a family etc. ------------- ~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~ |
ChildsPlay wrote:Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:45pm
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wow MrsH - you guys sound super busy! sorry I dunno why I just assumed you were a SAHM from your post... seeing you're both working that seems REALLY unfair to me! no matter whether the job is physical or not is inconsequential in my opinion. ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 1:48pm
Littlemiss - I think childsplay's comment was meant in a supportive way - i.e. everyone is entitled to want to spend time as a family whether they had that as a child or not. ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 2:55pm
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well it sounds to me like you might be being a bit unreasonable. when you both work and you both go to the gym then you have to change your priorities. If you both get home at 5.30 maybe if you had dinner ready in a slow cooker you could have that time together. Once again its just a matter of planning to make what you consider important work. And just as an aside i find it hard to believe that it only takes ten minutes to get a toddler up and out the door. Morning times can be hectic too.
Maybe you could skip the gym in the morning and spend some time together then and both have time at the gym at night. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 3:00pm
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actually i think he is being unreasonable too. if you hate the crazy dinner hour then i think he should consider going to the gym at least half an hour later even. Do you know his gym partner? is he married or have kids? maybe you could talk to him or his partner to see if they could arrange a slightly later time. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 3:17pm
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Bizzy - I would have no problem getting up and out the door in ten mins if I had stuff ready to go the night before, and seeing he is going to grandparents I assume he has breakfast there (?)...
Would it work alternating who goes to the gym in the morning? so you could go three mornings and DH two mornings or vice versa... ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 6:28pm
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Ok so I would sit down with him & make a plan. You get the same amount of time away (if you want) & he does the child/house stuff or he he drop some sport or changes his times.
If he want to go to the gym 3 days a week fine...but he goes when it suits everyone, like after baby goes to bed or in the morning & his training buddy will have to get over it. He has to be aware that children & wife/partner changes things. Do it now while you only have 1 child. I had this warped view on things before I got married, I wanted it to be like perfect..I would cook, clean house, look after kids all day long & everything would be rosie, but factor in work, money, wants, needs, kids it did not work. We all work well together but it has not been what you see on tv & I think my mum made it look easy or that's my memories. We don't sweet the small stuff, I am a SAHM at the moment so I do all the kids & house stuff, if it gets too much I call in DH. We don't go out much, more home bodies now with 3 kids, DH does not do sports but does game/study/ on-call for work & has odd hrs sometimes. I also like to watch a few programs on TV that DH does not like..our life works for us so I would suggest find a happy medium for you both, no one plan works for all. |
Posted By: Ant
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 6:39pm
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For us, Dh leaves around 7.15 in the morning and doesn't always get to see our toddler awake then. 3 nights he's home (I pick him up) around 6-6.30, 2 nights he's home around 9pm. Some Saturday's he does gaming with friends or does sporting events and when possible (on w/ends) he does the morning shift of child-wrangling so I can sleep in (mainly because I rarely get an undisturbed night).
So some days he doesn't see the little'un awake at all. We try to have dinner together, but I'm not gonna keep the little'un up to do it - I feed him and either sit with him while he eats (having a snack) or I put his chair near me while I do the dishes/prep our dinner or whatever. It's not ideal. I think family dinnertime is important from a healthy eating and socialisation perspective. But nights run late often enough (we aim for an 7.30-8pm bedtime) on their own without me holding dinner on purpose - I believe it's just not fair on our toddler to make him wait. Before we had kids we knew this was what our week was like and agreed to keep doing it (I'm a part-time student and full-time sahm) - but frankly if Dh was out every night and every weekend we'd be having words - especially if that meant I was doing dinner every night as well as working fulltime. His argument that his work is more exhausting because it's physical is, frankly, a load of sh*t. Does he think you're doing your nails all day while sitting on your butt? My guess is your job is mentally exhausting (as all are sometimes), and if he was that tired from work he wouldn't be spending all that extra energy at the gym. What you're doing isn't working for you as a family. As a family you need to decide a way to make it fair. Maybe ask him if he'd think it was fair if he was doing two lots of dinner every night (child's and your's/his) after doing his normal day. If he's out 3 nights is he in charge of food the other 2 at least? Does he pull his weight in other ways? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 7:16pm
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I hope you guys can sort out a compromise, it does sound like he needs to be a bit more reasonable about it....but hey he is a male after all! As a side note I am jealous of anyone who has help with the dinner/bedtime routine, my DH is home 2/7 nights a week and I have always done it all ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4 
 
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Posted By: millymollymandy
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 7:31pm
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So tricky, personally I'd be booking in something for 6-7.30 on those other two weeknights - ha ha!
In our house I'm the one that does the evening stuff, but I do it after bedtime. Can you aim for dinner at 6 and as someone said, do the slow cooker thing or make extra when you can and freeze and have dinner together at 6ish (even if DH has a light snack then), have toddler in bed by 7pm and gym at 7.30pm? Maybe also each of you could give up a gym visit to go do something as a family that is fitness orientated in the weekend, like cycling or hiking, that you could do as a family? |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 14 April 2011 at 9:38pm
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Yeah.... that would piss me off too. For all the reasons you listed.
We have always had dinner as a family. Dinnertime around 6pm and then shower/bath and bed around 7pm for Jude. TBH I rely heavily on DP being around during that time. I can and will do it myself when he is not around - no worries at all. But I would not want to do it everyday of the week - and would become a bit resentful if I did have to. This past week or two he has been the one to come in from work and cook dinner as I've been a bit worn out. A lot of the days in the past week he has come in from work(dairy farmer) and cooked breakfast in the mornings as well. It's all swings and roundabouts though - I usually do breakfast and I will often take the boys away for a night or two so that he can have a night without the dinner/bedtime rush and just some time to relax. And a bit more of the dinnertime/bedtime rush falls to me during busier times such as calving though he still does help out. Re hobbies. DP is a mountain biker and I'm a horse rider. When I go riding though - I usually have my horse with family so they can look after the boys for a bit. When he goes riding, I have to look after the boys but I usually get a semi-sleep in (used to be a full sleep in when it was just Jude but now Willem wants feeding so DP looks after Jude) on weekends DP has off work. It's all about compromise really. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: gossamer
Date Posted: 17 April 2011 at 2:09pm
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Totally understand where you are coming from, its similar at our house.
We both work full time, we have a 5 year old and a 15 month old. He gets them both up and ready in the morning, as I'm already at work then, and I pick the baby up from my parents and our older daughter up from school, take her to her after school activities, bring them home, do homework, dinner, washing, bed etc. He sometimes gets home around 4pm as hes a teacher, sometimes he even can pick our oldest up from school. But he doesnt get home until about 8pm twice a week as he goes to two different training sessions, and two other nights he is late as hes a sports coach at school too. Then Saturday he coaches rugby in the morning, plays in the afternoon. Its hard. It frustrates me. We both work full time and yet I definately do more than he does. I have thought about it, and in the longer term I am okay with it. Eventually we both want me to be a SAHM when we can afford it, so we are both working towards the same goal, and I know that he wouldnt be happy if he didnt get to do the sport he does, its a huge part of his life and always has been. Hes such a great dad that I think it makes up for any time he misses out on. Ultimately it has to be what works for you, and I find it helps to realise that it doesnt necessarily have to be "even" between you to work, if you know what I mean, its definately not even in any sense at our house, just as long as you are both happy with it. Also though, I do make some time for myself, whether it is 20 mins of exercise a day ( i just jump on my cross trainer at home so it is literally 20 mins, no travelling time which helps) and I do go to one thing a week thats just for me which is two hours once a week. ------------- T (6) A (2) Our angel baby Sep 2011 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: nikau99
Date Posted: 17 April 2011 at 5:52pm
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um, why does he have to go to the gym 3 times a week if he is doing such a physical job?
I would ask him to drop a session, or as others have suggested, go once your toddler is in bed. Good luck Reading all of these posts has made me aware of how hectic family life is for us these days. My partner has been away for 5 weeks now and we have another 2 to go, so I have been doing it solo, ugh. When he is home tho I hate it when he goes out! Will be interesting to see how we go when he has a new 9-5 job. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BayGirl
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 10:46am
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I haven't read all the post but here is my view.
I am in boat of DP working lots and strange hours (often weekend work and mostly night work!) . I think you need to seriously think about what it is you want and explicitly tell your DP. My DP needs things spelt out clearly backed up with reasoning. IE I do not want you to go to the gym at 5.30pm. I want you to be home at 5 and we'll have dinner together at 5.15pm and then it is your play time with Baby. At 6ish it is babies bath time and you can go to the gymm then. THis is because i think dinner time is an important family time, you are missing out on seeing your child grow up. THis may take some arguing but your DP may go away think about it and change as well. Is there any way or time that DP and you can go to the gym together?? Make that special couple time as it is something you both enjoy. Also could you and your son go to rugby games with your DP. GO and support him, let your bubba watch daddy play have family days out even if it's only once a month it's still family time>! Also both you and DP need to commit to one family morning/afternoon a week. WHere you don't go to the gym or work or hobbies. WHere you all hang out together, play, cuddle as a family. Down time! Thats just my thoughts. Also you may want to sacrifice something as well (ie one morning gym visit) so that it seems like you are giving as well. -------------   
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Posted By: mum+1
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 3:55pm
| Im in a similar position with my DH playing footy on the weekends and training every tues and thurs. I ofund the only way to make it work for us is to lump the week nights and go along and watch the footy on the sat. It makes a for nice day out (fingers crossed the weather agrees) and a chance for me to talk to other people who arnt mums or co- workers. I dont go to the gym or really do much for myself these days, I only seem to look after our little miss each day or work which sometimes leaves me stressed and grumpy for him to come homw to. Although you will most likely find that he does miss spending time with your son (my DH sometimes comes home and miss is having a sleep then he goes to training and comes home at 8-8.30pm and she is back in bed). Perhaps asking for a compromise of 2 nights a week at the gym and one arvo at footy. and then the social match they always seem to have needs to be cut to a minimum as weekends should be family time. and make sure that you and DH get atleast one night alone together a fortnight- even if its just a movie at home snuggling on the couch. good luck |
Posted By: Mintyfresh
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 9:08pm
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This has been really interesting reading - we don't have any children yet, but my DH and I were raised fairly differently and we butt heads quite a bit
Basically, he is quite a mummys boy, and his mum did EVERYTHING for him and his big brother, and their dad. SIL said that she has big problems getting BIL to do anything around the house or with their kids, at least BIL cooks. I grew up without a dad, but when I spent time with "normal" families what I noticed was that they all worked really well as teams, they shared all the duties, i.e. my grandparents have the arrangement (and have for their whole marriage) that the first person home cooks dinner, the second person home cleans up. I'm just about at my wits end of trying to explain to DH that I'm not his maid, but then he throws back in my face that I have lots of time to do everything as I'm not working - failing to recall that my workplace fell down in the quake. Basically I'd really like us to have a proper dining table (ours has two computers on it) and eat at it, and then hang out together and do the dishes afterwards. He sees his computer time as really valuable "relaxing" time though, so he eats at the computer and doesn't do dishes. I do get worried that the routine will just get worse when we have kids, so I feel for you OP that your hubby doesn't seem to understand the importance of the family evening. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: MrsH
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 9:25pm
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Thanks everyone so much for all your replies.
I have come to realise that perhaps I am being a bit unrealistic in my expectations of what we as a family are supposed to be like HOWEVER I will still continue to campaign for what I think is important but those things I guess will be more flexible as our family changes. On the night I originally posted my problem, I'd already sat down with him and we talked about my reasoning behind not wanting him take so much time away from home. Although at the time he was resistant (which is why I came in here and asked the question) I think he's actually had a think about it and is - and I hate to use this phrase - coming 'round to my way of thinking. TBH, I think it was the complete resistance that was pissing me off the most. The arrogance that "he was doing it and that was that" attitude was what was making me more angry. ANYWAY, tonight he said that he's going to go to the gym twice a week and at least once on the weekend. Him making an effort is a HUGE deal and perhaps was the only thing I really needed. We also spent some time together as a couple on Friday night which I didn't realise but was craving that too. And that also helped. All that aside, I would never stop him from his gym or his football (which BTW is 'soccer') because it's what he loves to do, DS and I do go and watch him play when the weather is good because it's also important to us that he see's us being active. Some of the fixes: - Be more prepared (Thanks Bizzy - I needed to hear that) - Have dinner as early as possible so that we can get DS into bed by 8pm, then DH goes to the gym later - More 'Date' nights PS: It literally only takes him 10 minutes because he gets him up, dresses him (sometimes while he's still asleep) and puts him in the car (breakfast at Nana and GDads, and they have nappies and clothes there for him) ETA: That he is a bloody awesome Dad when he's with our DS and I love that about him. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 18 April 2011 at 10:22pm
good on both of you!  ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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