What to do/say??
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=3944
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Topic: What to do/say??
Posted By: kebakat
Subject: What to do/say??
Date Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:17pm
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This is going to be a long post. I could try and shorten it but then I'd confuse everybody!
Background info: I have a friend who died almost 2 years ago, she had a little baby at the time only a few months old. So the girls dad took on the role of solo parent. About 6 months after that he was in a car accident and died of complications as a result of that. Since then my friends little sister (debs who is only now turning 19 soon) stepped up and has been raising the little girl ever since. I've also got really close to debs and I'm also really good friends with her partner nat (yes lesbian relationship). Now debs has got a medical condition (to do with her kidneys) which she found out about 4 years ago I think and she's gone down hill really fast and shes in total renal failure now and is on dialysis every day. She sent me this email today basically informing me that she doesn't know how to explain to her little girl that she's dying and that it's going to happen soon. She doesn't remember her birth mum since she was only a few months old. But how do you explain all this to a 2 yr old? It's not like you can't just say anything and wait til she's older (this is whats planned about what happened to her birth mum) because now she's old enough and is gonna notice when debs is gone. She's also informed me that once she gets to the point where she doesn't feel like she's living that she's going to end it rather than go slowly. I sooo don't know what to do, if I should do anything or what to say to her. There is no way that I can relate to any of what she is going through. I also know that with her it is not just some despair and empty threat.. she's not like that and has mentioned it before to me. I don't need to worry so much with what is going to happen to the little girl because I have no doubt in my mind that nat will take care of her since she's mummy number 2 at the moment anyway. I just don't know what to do or say or how to help her  
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Replies:
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:26pm
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how awful for all concerned...and i hate to say it but luckily the little one is at an age that if handled well she will come through pretty unscathed.
I would suggest that you get the books on death and dying by Kubler-ross and see what is suggested there...and also there are a few golden book type books for kids about dying and death etc...awful sounding i know but it will help the little one cope.. and on the legal note...Nat needs to make sure all is in place before Deb goes...make sure she is appointed a testementary guardian in debs will...also if there are other family members realise that they may then feel obliged to step up as blood relatives and there may be a custody battle. Preparing the pathway now and making sure all contingencies are in place will help. Nat may be able to adopt her but currently lesbian couples cant both adopt so may depend on whether deb adopted or not. Deb may be in a position as legal guardian that she can consent to Nat adopting her - they should see a family lawyer on that one if thats what they want to do and get ball rolling now. This is such a hard situation - i had a friend who was killed on a weekend away leaving a little infant son to be raised by his dad....my heart aches that he never knew his mum and now we dont even know where he is etc as they have moved too often... I hope some of this helps? |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:32pm
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I'm not too sure of the legal situation surrounding debs and whether she's adopted or is the legal guardian or whatever but her sister left her a great deal of money and some other assets and she has a will so I imagine they have already considered that side of things.. i hope.
As for blood relatives, there's no one on the mums side that would give a toss and on the dads side most are on the other side of the world, so they are basically on their own. |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:45pm
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Kidney transplant???
Eek.. what a tragic story! And such a brave girl! Nothing else to add... feel useless in these situations. Good luck! |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 03 October 2006 at 9:02am
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Far out - that's one tragic story. I second Bombshell's idea of the books that help children learn about death and grief - there's some really good ones out there, but they may have to be ordered (Bruce McKenzie shop most likely to know of them), 'cause most shops don't stock them on the shelves. They're good not just for the time it all happens, but for helping kids process it all afterwards, even years later. Also, if Debs is really serious about ending things before illness takes her, the little girl needs to be elsewhere over that time, so finding a supportive kid-friendly friend who is in a position to help look after this child for however long she may need would be good, especially as Nat might need some space (or might not - but it's good to have the option just in case). And it's good if the girl can stay with that friend and visit before things reach crisis-point at home, so she doesn't end up staying in a 'strange' place at a really difficult time, if that's what ends up needing to happen. Good luck, Stacey - that's a pretty intense situation to be part of! By just being a friend still to Debs and Nat, you'll make a world of difference. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 03 October 2006 at 10:12am
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Oh Stacey that is such a sad situation. I dont have anything to add, just wanted to say good on you for being such a good friend and trying to help out. Good luck. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 03 October 2006 at 11:39am
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Gosh that's so tragic!
I'm really sorry for you Stacey. I second (third?) the suggestion about preparing their daughter with stories about serious illness and death, as at least then she will understand when they tell her what has happened to Mummy, and they will be able to grieve with her rather than trying to explain, over and over about the concept of death.  good luck!------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 03 October 2006 at 11:52am
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oh my god!! that poor little girl loosing so many people in such a short time!
i'm with nikki and also totally useless in situations like this. i never know what to say ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 03 October 2006 at 3:41pm
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oh my that poor little girl has such a bad luck, first Mum, then Dad and then Auntie!! Gosh!!!
Dont know what to say but I hope that she is ok, and its great that you are a good friend to them! Big hugs to you and all involved, specially the little girl! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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