Marriage
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
Forum Description: For mums, dads, parents-to-be, grandparents, friends -- you name it! And you name the topic you want to chat about!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39716
Printed Date: 01 September 2025 at 8:22pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Marriage
Posted By: _H_
Subject: Marriage
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 7:41pm
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So after all the talk in the news about less marriages Im interested to find out peoples views of about marriage.
Do you think its out dated? Do you think it still has its place? |
Replies:
Posted By: sbeach
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 8:16pm
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I never used to think so. always used to say Id never get married but there is something special about standing up in front of the people who care most about you and expressing your feelings and stating your commitment to each other...
I think it still has it place, it confirms your commitment.... I know, I know shouldnt have to be married for this to be obvious but you are promising to spend the rest of your life with someone, to me it seems more than a de facto relationship In saying that I certainly dont think less of/differently of those not married, its just I like being married...DH and I have been married just over 2 years and together 6 years! Dont know where the time has gone!! ETA I didnt realise how mushy I am... where has the cynic gone?? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 8:37pm
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I'm married and Dh and I waited until we were married before having DD.
Before getting married I didn't think it mattered however since having DD I'm glad we waited. Our relationship is different to what it was before we were married, it is stronger and I feel like we are more of a team and now we are a family unit. I love being married its the best, its not always easy and it takes work, knowing that we are committed to each other for the rest of our lives is a great sense of security. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Richie
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 8:55pm
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I find it quite sad that some people don't 'see the need' for marriage anymore. My DF and I are getting married in Nov this year (YAY!) and altho I'm totally not a fan of the wedding planning process, I'm really excited about having an amazing day with our closest friends and family (only inviting 60 people max) and declaring our love to each other infront of them all. Marriage wont change anything about how we feel about each other, but it is still really important to the both of us that we get married.
When we get married, we would have been engaged for 4yrs, and so many people have said to us 'why are you getting married? You're practically married anyway, what a waste of money'. We have a daughter and everyone seems to think that the only point of getting married is so you can have kids, so the fact that we already have our DD, means we shouldn't get married??!! To us, it's not the wedding that is important, neither of us see the point in pouring thousands into a lavish event, it really is the marriage itself that is important. I don't really understand how people can justify that sort of expense. People's priorities seem to have changed and they are focussing more on careers and money rather than old fashioned family values, but I understand why, life aint cheap these days! -------------  
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Posted By: Whateversville
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 8:56pm
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I can't wait to get married.
I absolutley think it still has it's place 
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 9:11pm
I definitely think it has it's place. In generalised terms, NZers aren't the best with sharing emotions, so I think it's great that you have one day that it's perfectly acceptable for a grown man to blub away in front of 100 or so people!  We loved having both our families meet and enjoy a good party.
As for marriage - we love actually being married. No confusion with surnames, easy to sort out legal stuff etc etc (all very boring), but I do think it just makes me a bit more content. I was happy before getting married, but it just felt right once we were actually hitched. ETA I also think now, there's a lot more emphasis put on the wedding rather than the marriage, and that could put people off. It's hard enough saving for a house or studying etc, let alone thinking about saving tens of thousands for a wedding. |
Posted By: kiwisj
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 10:10pm
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I definitely think it has its place. I love being married even though it's bl**dy hard work at times! Like C&J I like the "security" in the knowledge that DH and I have committed to each other in front of our friends and family that we want to be together forever. Coming from a "broken home" I have no illusions that it's going to be easy, but I am damned sure going to work on it when we need to.
I don't think it's outdated at all. I DO think the notion that it should only be between a man and a woman is outdated, but that's another debate entirely  ------------- SJ Callum - Dec 2008 Daniel - Oct 2010 |
Posted By: Panda289
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 10:27pm
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I think marriage definitely still has its place! I completely agree with caliandjack that our relationship is stronger and there is a greater sense of security now that we are married and we both completely trust each other. It makes me very happy to know that our son in coming in to our family and I personally love the idea that all three of us share the same name!
But I understand that everyone has different opinions on marriage and I think that is ok too
I am one of those people that really enjoyed the whole planning of our wedding too, and I love wearing my rings (sometimes I just sit there and watch the diamond sparkle  )------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: Jaune
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 10:33pm
Me too PF. I REALLY wanted to be married before having any children but it didn't work out like that...not because DS was an accident, but because I decided that if I waited around for DP to decide he wanted to get married I could possibly have issues getting pregnant and I didn't want that either. I know we will get married 'one day'. I think marriage is really important, particularly when you have a family, and I've always wanted to have a proper family unit...plus the security and sense of one-ness that comes from making that sort of commitment. Totally not keen on a wedding, but want to be married! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Pillow_Fight wrote:Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 11:14pm
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I think a lot more people are commitment phobic so therefore don't get married, they can't see how they can be with someone for the rest of their lives.
Marriage to me is that extra step. I knew when I found the right guy to take that step with, up til that time I wasn't interested in marriage. Plus like Panda...LOVE looking at my rings :) Especially my plain gold band. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 2:50am
| I have always been SO against marriage, not marriage in general mind, i'm not against anyone else getting married but i was against marriage for ME. But i reckon its because i'm a commitment phobe and its easier to get out without having to disolve a marriage at the same time. But secretly, and only quite recently, i've changed my mind. If i were to breed again i would like to be married before doing so. It would be quite novel to have a partner during pregnancy! |
Posted By: jano1
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 7:52am
| Coming from another angle- not married here but we have been together 16 years and have a 2 year old and one on the way. Marriage is something I have never felt the need or want to do, our relationship is secure and strong enough as it stands. I have seen many marriages fail in the time we have been together and while a celebration amongst friends and family sounds great, it's just not for us. |
Posted By: CrazyCass
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 9:10am
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When i was younger I always wanted to get married - so at 21 I did, it lasted 5 months. Think I was in love with the idea of being married, not who i was marrying! I was dead set against ever getting married again.
But my DH loved the idea of me being his 'wife' - and I honestly couldnt imagine not being with him for the rest of my life. We did our ceremony on the quiet during a holiday in Canada earlier this year - it was our secret for ages before hand which was really neat. I also enjoy seeing the pride he gets & I know I have when we introduce each other as 'wife' or 'husband'. We both hardly ever wear our rings (his trade means its dangerous for him & me because I forget) but we know we are married and thats all that matters. It is definately something you have to do for you not as a this is the right thing to do (iygwim) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 10:52am
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It's very important to me - mostly from a religeous standpoint, with my beliefs I wouldn't be living with DH or having kids with him without it.
Of course, I know that point of view is in the minority nowdays, and I've often wondered how I'd feel if I didn't believe what I do. I think there would definitely be something secure in having made that kind of committment in public. On the other hand, I know an awesome, very loving couple my parents age who've never married but have been together forever and have two grown up children, so it's not like you can't do the long-term relationship thing without it. -------------   
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Posted By: Turtle
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 11:07am
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I loved being married. DH and I have been together for 15 years and married for 2 of those. We always had the intention of getting married. And although I knew our relationship was secure before I like the idea that we made a public commitment to each other. Also, since we have been together so long we know all of each other's families and it was wonderful to be able to have a day to share with everyone.
And two years on I still get a kick out of talking about "my husband"
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Posted By: BriAndOlisMum
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 11:34am
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I don't really know. I am engaged, have been for about 5 years, but I haven't even started planning a wedding.
To be honest I don't really want to get married now that my dad has died and he won't be able to walk me down the isle. I don't get on that well with my mum either (she doesn't really talk to me) and have hardly any friends so I think that is holding me back as well cos my partner will have lots of friends and family there and I won.t -------------  http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 12:13pm
We're not married and I can't imagine it'll change anything about us, our commitment to each other, the family or the relationship. BUT I totally agree with the above comment. I think that when I finally get around to organising it it'll be important to us to go through something to express our feelings for each other in front of those people that are special to us. Part of me thinks it is sad that people don't bother to commit to each other as much, but then marriage for many people is so transient (eg in Britain almost 50% of marriages in Britain end up in divorce) so I don't think we can think of it as the same thing as it was years ago. I just hope there's as much love around, even if it isn't so formalised. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 1:37pm
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I love being married sure it has it's ups and downs but imo it is harder to walk away from a marriage than from a defacto relationship.
we have been married for 6 and a half years one thing my husband I both agreed on is we wanted to be married before having children. marriage to me is the ultimate form of commitement you are getting up in front of family and friends and declaring your love for each other and that you want to spend the rest of your life together. it is hard to explain but after living together for 5 and a half yeras and then getting married it does feel like our relationship has gotten stronger. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Kalimirella
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 4:53pm
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I like the officialness of marriage. That you can call your other half hubby and I can be wife. For me the commitment is already there without the ring but it would still be nice to go that extra mile and declare our love for each other in front of friends and family.
However my DP wants everything to be perfect and us to be able to pay for everything so we won't be getting married for a couple of years at least. For us the kids (the first being unexpected) and therefore having our own place (we want to own not rent) is more important. ------------- Kiara is 3 and Teagan is 2, now we're expecting our long awaited 3rd! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 5:25pm
I totally agree |
Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 5:28pm
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I've been married and its too easy to just sign a piece of paper to cancel what was done and walk away. DP has also been married before and seperated/divorced around the same time I did (we met about 6 months after we seperated from our ex-spouses). We both agree that marriage isnt for us, but we have every intention of spending the rest of our lives together, we decided that planning and having our 2 gorgeous kids was more a sign of commitment than sign ing more papers, hes seen that for better or for worse, I'm never going to have my ex fully out of my life since we have a son together, so to tat effect, kids are forever, so that was our way of committing to each other.
SIL tried to tell me that I dont 'belong' to DP's family since I'm not married and dont share the name but I really dont care. I have given birth to the only 2 children in that family who will carry the family name (neither of DPs brothers had kids, their wives already had daughter/s when they met), so I figure being their mum makes me more a part of the family than a piece of metal on her finger. Quite happy to get caught up in the excitement of friends/family who get married, but its just not an issue for us. ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 6:11pm
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I love being married. I guess marriage means different things to different people. To me it is the ultimate commitment, I did not want to invest yrs of myself into something that was not for ever...& to some that would sound strange but to me my marriage is forever.
I love the stability & security it offers, to me that little piece of paper is untearable. I know marriage is not everyone's cuppa tea but it a club I love to be in
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 28 June 2011 at 9:03pm
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as the daughter of a mother who will be on her 4th marrige in november (plus 3 other commited relationships in which houses were purchased together , lived together etc etc ) i never beleived in marriage ! as a child and even now as an adult i have absoutley no idea why my parents got married as they are completly different people and i do not have one single memory of them ever being happy together (this was mums 2nd marrige)- they seperated when i was 5, her 3rd husband was a compelte doosche (excuse my language) and i have no idea why she married him either , i guess all my experiances on marriage were based on my mother (my dad never remarried) I always ended up in bad relationships falling into similar patterns to my mothers relationships . When i was about 21 i moved to australia on my own and ended up living with the most lovely young married couple i have ever met! they were 100% completley inlove and i had never really seen anyone so happy and inlove . They truely did change my views of marrige and what a relationship and marriage really meant. they worked as a team and even when faced with challenges (like the miscarrige of a much wanted child being one chalenge ) they stuck together and they did not turn their backs on each other they made a real effort to work on their marrige , they made sure they regulary went on "date nights" .. 4 1/2 years on from when i left australia and they now have 2 beautiful children and are still blissfuly happy , they have their rough patches esspecially when one of their children was extremley refluxy and not an easy baby but theyare definatly a couple that will saty together forever . since my experiance with them i found myself looking for completly different things in men and well iv found my fantastic partner now and love him to bits and one day would possibly like to get married . altho i now believe in marriage i dont particulay agree with my mother getting married for a 4th time as i beleive she rushes into things and does it for the wrong reasons . ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: ALittleLoopy
Date Posted: 29 June 2011 at 9:31pm
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i also love being married and was also always going to be married before kids!
IMO marriage isnt as big a commitment as a child as you can divorce your partner but not your kids...kids are for life...as much as i think marriage is too there is an out...what i dont understand is the thought that "kids arent as big of a commitment as marriage"...i think they they are more of a commitment so signing a piece of paper to legally bind you etc should be easier!? -------------    CHEM 6/12+ |
Posted By: Jelly
Date Posted: 29 June 2011 at 10:11pm
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Marriage is important to me. I think I've found the man I want to marry, but that's another story.
To me, marriage is the ultimate commitment. It might just be the horrendously romantic mood I've found myself in tonight, but the idea of being married to someone feels so... Important. Special. PERMANENT. It's a huge step to take, to promise to spend your whole life with someone in front of not only your own friends and family, but theirs too. And it is one that I want to take. I'm not so keen on the actual wedding, because I hate trying to organise things and I don't really know many people, but the marriage itself is certainly something I want. I feel like I've rambled and maybe lost the point, I hope I haven't. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 10:27am
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I agree that marriage isn't for everyone and it has it's place.
I've only just come around to the idea of marriage in the past couple months. Before DP i used to always say i would never get married EVER. When we started dating i changed my mind to one day in the distant future. Now i get butterflies when i think about it. I guess it's because i found the one i want to marry but i don't think it will be happening any time soon 5 years ago i would have never thought i would say that! But then again 5 years ago i never would have thought i would fall in love and have i child with my best-friend. Even though it turns out our friends predicted it haha
Kids are defiantly more of a commitment then marriage. |
Posted By: Bel
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 3:20pm
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For me, getting married was a commitment made between me and my husband - it involved no one else. A wedding is chance to show everyone how committed you are to each other - really the only day that it can happen. I love the fact that we got married before we had kids - we made a commitment without anything else holdiing us together.
------------- Mum to two beautiful kids 
Luke (09.11.2007) Amy (01.04.2009) |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 6:25pm
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I never saw having kids as a commitment, not like marriage anyway as you can easily walk away from a relationship & even a marriage but not many women walk away form their children.
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Posted By: millemama
Date Posted: 30 June 2011 at 8:34pm
I agree. I met my husband at age 22 and we were engaged 6mths later, we were on our OE at the time and it was wonderful feeling, but didn't need to be married to feel any closer or more committed. I think that time does that for you. We got married 6yrs later with a very small but perfect ceremony and celebration afterwards, and yes I loved that, not the big impersonal ones you see today. But I think I just wanted the fairytale wedding, we didn't feel any different after getting married and I have still kept my name, well, just because its always been my name and I like it. And so this year we will have been together 20yrs and we are still going strong, and have been through more than most, but our life is good with our little girl and another now on the way! I don't think getting married or not would have changed that. ------------- http://daisypath.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: minipig
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 6:52pm
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Marriage has always been important to me.
I have always wanted to be married before having children (just married, next step babies!) I'm just quite traditional like that. I like the idea of all being a family unit with the same name. Also I hate the term "partner" it can mean so many things. "wife" or "husband" always mean the same thing :) A few months into married life and I still get a wee thrill out of saying "my husband" and seeing him wearing his wedding band. 
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Posted By: MrsMc
Date Posted: 01 July 2011 at 8:27pm
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DH and I both come from families where our parents are married and still together after 25/30yrs.
We got married young (i was 20) and we have been married 2.5yrs so far. We did pre marriage counselling, so I feel like we really knew what we were getting ourselves into and werent just hooked on the idea of having a wedding. We are still going strong and are having a blast, he's my best friend. Our relationship is solid and because of that piece of paper and both our views on marriage I know hes not going anywhere. I think marriage definately still has its place, people are too scared to commit these days, its too easy to cop out if not married, for us thats not an option |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 02 July 2011 at 10:23am
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I think marriage still has it's place if that's what people want to do. Though I do get annoyed with some views that marriage is the be all end all of commitment - as in a couple who have had a whirlwind romance and married within their first year are apparently more committed to each other than DP and I who have been together coming up 9 years and have two children together. But meh, it annoys me less than it used to. People will think what they want (including me thinking ideas like that are outdated and irrelevant)
We know we will be together forever and don't need a piece of paper confirming that. However, I know that marriage is important to some (and is not "just a piece of paper") and am always very happy for friends and family when they get married because it obviously means a lot to them.
There are however quite a few "traditions" surrounding weddings that I DO think are outdated and are no longer important in today's society. But that's just me ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 02 July 2011 at 1:34pm
what do people who are in a relationship & not getting married call each other???? boyfriend or partner or is there another word? |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 02 July 2011 at 1:55pm
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We use the term partner. Really not as much (virtually none) confusion surrounding it as married people seem to think there is! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 02 July 2011 at 2:40pm
nope not confusing at all
For me marriage takes the relationship to the next level. There will always be a place for it no matter what the reasons are for doing it
I guess a lot depends on ones home life & if they come from a family that has strong & lasting marriages in it. If my parents weren't then maybe it would not of be important to me. |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 02 July 2011 at 2:53pm
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Both mine and DP's parents have strong and lasting marriages, still very much in love and on the same wave length. DP's parents have been married 40yrs and mine 25yrs (they are 20yrs younger than DP's parents.) I think it's awesome and am super proud of them. It's lovely being brought up looking up to such loving stable relationships. I certainly see it as one of the reasons for the success of my own relationship (having had such awesome role models). But I see it as being the actual relationships that are the important part, not whether they are married or not. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 02 July 2011 at 9:23pm
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Im getting married at the end of next year (probably) we are already a very strong family unit, have 2 amazing children so far, havent argued in over 3 years!! and even though we have both been married before, and he is has 3 kids elsewhere, this is soo special for us. I think it will somehow increase the bond we already have. We already call each other husband and wife, but I cant wait to have his name (and the same name as my babies) and will be so proud to tell people he is my husband .
SO yes I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, even after a few false starts ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 03 July 2011 at 8:26am
wow thats amazing & congrats
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Posted By: minipig
Date Posted: 03 July 2011 at 9:48am
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I just don't like the term "partner" - just my opinion.
It's not why we got married
I called my now husband my boyfriend rather than partner. My comment was certainly not intended to offend anyone. |
Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 03 July 2011 at 10:36am
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Oh, don't worry - I wasn't offended at all! I'm well aware that some people dislike the term (just as some dislike the terms husband and wife).
It's just I've met people who insist it must be super confusing because "OMG, how will people know whether you're talking about your partner, business partner, gay partner, partner in a law firm......" at which stage they hyperventilate with the craziness of it all.* And I was just pointing out that we've never had to elaborate on what type of partner we mean. It's usually pretty obvious. *OK, that may be a slight exaggeration. Slight. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 03 July 2011 at 11:28am
Before we got married DH was my "partner" I didn't like "boyfriend" as it reminded me of high school lol 
I've always wanted to get married and I like having the same last name as my kiddos.------------- |
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 04 July 2011 at 10:18am
really! it is amazing? but thank you, I think what we have is pretty darn cool ------------- http://lilypie.com]
http://lilypie.com]
http://lilypie.com]
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 04 July 2011 at 10:33am
I think you deserve a clap on the back for it, not many couples would manage that, but on the other hand it probably depends a lot on your personality types. I mean, DH and I scrap a little from time to time, and have from the word dot, but we love each other to pieces too. -------------
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