Lack of Sex!
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=40778
Printed Date: 27 August 2025 at 1:45pm
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Topic: Lack of Sex!
Posted By: whirlwinds
Subject: Lack of Sex!
Date Posted: 17 October 2011 at 9:31pm
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HELP!
Been with my man for almost 9 years. Married for 1. Sex (or lack of) has been grim the past 2 years or so. I'm finding myself eyeing up other men. I do find my husband attractive and I want to have sex with him more than he wants to with me! I am always the one who initiates sex. Also when we do have sex, 9 times out of 10 he "can't" cum.... I am finding this all frustrating! Thoughts please?!?! |
Replies:
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 17 October 2011 at 10:27pm
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Have you actually talked to him about it?? ALthough that is easier said than done. Maybe just start on the lack not the actual activity. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 9:10am
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 9:52am
| Does he not want it as much because of his problem finishing off? If I was a guy that would certainly effect how much I wanted it cause I'd be so embarassed and down about it. |
Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 2:20pm
| I agree with AandCsmum- the best (and hardest!) thing to do is talk to him. You don't know until you talk what the problem is |
Posted By: whirlwinds
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 8:45pm
| Yes I have talked to him. At first he said it was his job but has since left that job. I asked him seriously one day, even if I didn't like the answer. He said some of the reason is my weight. I am 30 kg heavier than when we first met. |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 2:35pm
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Posted By: Gen2011
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 9:17pm
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I am sorry but I kind of disagree that she deserves better because of a weight gain, 30kgs is a lot.
At the same time, you really do need to sort this out because it must leave you feeling like crap! I know for me exercise and being in shape helps heaps, but it really does sound like "his" issue, with the not cuming part. You should talk to him as frank as you can, if he is not attracted to you anymore because of the weight gain, I dont think it is unreasonable to try and get back into shape, not only for YOU but for your realtionship. I wouldnt find my man as attractive if he put on 30kgs, and I know he wouldnt find me as attractive. That is if that is the reason, I dont think its fair for you to go through this rejection without him explaining, it hurts to be rejected by your partner and sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. He needs to tell you what is going on so you can and him can do something about it together. I am sorry you are going through this, it sucks when you feel like your partner does not want you. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 9:34pm
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I kinda agree with Gen. It's one thing thats always bugged me about these forums is many people are quick to jump and say that you deserve better/shouldn't be with them etc. Relationships are hard work and have their ups and downs.
I gained a lot of weight with pregnancies - around the 30kg mark. I certainly didn't see myself as attractive in my fat glory so I didn't think my husband would. He actually didn't really care too much about it at the time. But I will say that if he gained 30kg it would be a big turn off and I'd also worry about his health and wellbeing a lot because its simply not healthy and I'd like to have him around for as many years as possible. But I'd also wonder if hes using the weight thing as an easy answer. It may be part of the reason but not the only reason. |
Posted By: smw85
Date Posted: 20 October 2011 at 9:31am
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It might be hard to hear, but I believe you got some good advice from both Gen and Kebakat.
I put in over 25kg with DS. It's amazing how you don't notice your bum growing huge when compared to a huge tummy!, But I felt frumpy after DS was born. It is not just the weight gain, but the health, energy and confidence loss that often goes with it. Maybe start trying some walking with some jogging. You will feel better for it, both physically and mentally. Maybe get him out there with you. There is something to be said about doing activities together, 
I have lost over 15kg so far, it was hard and it comes off frustratingly slowly but our sex life just keeps getting better and better. I feel much more sexy and my DH agrees, plus the extra flexibility...![;)
Good luck and hope you both work it out] ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: whirlwinds
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 7:01pm
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Thanks for your feedback. I do feel 'frumpy'! About 4 years ago I almost got down to the weight I was when I first met him and he said then, that the sex was better. I can't seem to get myself into the head space though. Two of the hardest things I have to deal with is; I work in a Bakery and He is the first one to suggest takeaways if neither of us can be bothered cooking. So he doesn't help the situation. I'm not blaming him, don't get me wrong. But it would help if he had some self discipline to help me to. I have told him this more than once too by the way.
Another thing that is bothering me is I'm getting more and more irritated by him not helping me around the house. I seem to be maturing and he isn't. I kicked him out for 2 days recently because we just kept having 'talks' and nothing seemed to be sinking in, so I went for the shook effect. It worked for a few weeks, but we're back to bad habits now. I am sick of being his parent! |
Posted By: MrsH
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 7:20pm
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I don't think it's just the weight gain on it's own. It's everything that is associated with the weight gain such as him thinking you're not taking care of yourself, him thinking you're not interested in your appearance and perhaps associating that with being disinterested in him.
I was in a similar position a few years ago before we tried for children. I was 15kgs heavier than I was when we first me and the sex had dried up. I confronted my husband and he said that it was because I'd stopped going to the gym. He didn't specifically say it was because of the weight gain but me being active, I think, was a large part of why he was attracted to me. It hurt. A LOT. And I couldn't understand why he would feel that way - essentially I was the same person, wasn't I? Anyway, a baby and 15 kgs less later, I can now see that it's not fair to DH if I were to radically change my appearance to something that he didn't like. I'm now more realistic and 'get' that physical attraction is helped along by the eyes. So anyway, after my big long rant, could it be the change in your 'lifestyle' that he's not attracted to? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: whirlwinds
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 7:32pm
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Change in 'lifestyle'? Like how???
I felt really hurt when he told me it was the weight thing. But hearing that hasn't made me get into the thinking of losing weight.... |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:00pm
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I've always been "chubby" and always struggled with my weight until recently..
I always hovered around 70kg pre kids. I went up to 99kg after I had my first. I'm now down to 57kg and it's very easy for me to maintain because i've changed my lifestyle completely. If your interested in how I did it this is the most basic run down. First off I had to just decide I was going to do it. I had to decide that there would be no more excuses. Like I'd use anything as an excuse not to cook, eat really badly or not to exercise. Now I don't. I'd say oh the kids have been misbehaving so I'll have takeaways. Oh I didn't get much sleep last night I'll just be lazy today and not cook and not workout. I even had a couple of little notes placed around the place so I could see them telling me to move my fat ass lol. First off I started with my eating habits. It's much better to eat 6 smaller meals than to skip meals or eat big meals. I started fixing one meal at a time starting with breakfast, then lunch, dinner and then my snacks. If you try and instantly fix everything at once its too much and you won't stick with it. Then I worked on my exercise. The trick to sticking with exercise is variety and finding what you like. I do personal training sessions once a week which is different every week giving me heaps of ideas for my own gym sessions for the rest of the week. But i started by getting a few exercise dvds and doing those at home. My DH and I don't do this together as such. I am now what he terms and exercise freak. He is not, he's the opposite. But he's not at all overweight so doesn't need to. He's a meat eater, I'm a vego and then I have to cater for kids as well so meals can be a challenge, so we have a list of meals that work for everyone so if we are having a brain fart we can look at the list. With the cooking/takeaways. It's actually quicker to have a couple of easy good meals always in the pantry to whip up. Takes 10 mins to make a yummy filling omlette which is faster than getting takeaways. Otherwise on days you do feel like cooking make double the amount and freeze the other half for a day you can't be bothered. One thing I've found since becoming very motivated and removing excuses from my life is that it has positively effected every other area of my life. We get out and do more fun stuff. We all have more energy and are generally more happy because we eat so healthy. I seem to get so much more done in a day. We are way more outgoing. More confidence. I have more motivation to sort other issues. For some reason my house has never been cleaner cause I've taken the no excuses attitude to that. I've also noticed that my motivation has rubbed off on my DH too.. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:19pm
The whole 'lets get takeaways' might be a guy thing coz my DH does it too even when he's the one feeling horrible about his weight.
 It does hurt when its personal so hugs for that!! I kinda have this theory that a relationship is like mirrors and we pick up on how our OH is feeling and tend to reflect that. Could your DH possible be picking up on your lack of motivation in keeping the weight off and thats being reflected in his lack of motivation round the house? I know if I'm feeling totally unmotivated and spend a few days in my jammies doing nothing (yep haha no shame admitting to my 'slob-outs' as DH calls them  ) DH inevitably begins to mirror my lack of motivation. Obviously he has to go to work so he has to get dressed but y'know things will just slide. Then I get sick of being a slob and get things back into order and voila he adjusts back into our normal routine. So if your DH is picking up that you're unmotivated then maybe hes mirroring you without even really being aware of it??
I don't know that finding out your OH thinks you're less attractive would be a particular motivator - I'd probably end up in bed eating chocolate and watching workout videos thinking about how I'd never be that fit :shrug: I think you need to decide whether or not you want to do it for you. The weightloss threads on OB are pretty great and there are some very motivated girls on here who can give you ideas and support and encouragement. Having a plan helps too. Can you double-up on meals and freeze half for those nights that normally end up with takeaways? Or have some instant-type recipes on hand that only take 15 minutes to chuck together i.e bacon, fettucine and a pasta sauce? Its yummy, its frugal if you're on a tighter income rather than takeaways and its super fast without any effort. Obviously none of this is guaranteed to solve your relationship problems but feeling good about yourself might be the boost you need to sort the rest out. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a good relationship but it has a very necessary and healthy part to play. I hope you can work out whats going on and work through it together xox -------------   
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:28pm
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Oh see Stacey suggested heaps but I missed her post coz I got distracted lol sorry for the repeats!!
I had another thought though - have you considered joining a local walking group to kickstart some exercise? Or hit up some of your local OBers to be your exercise buddy I'm shocking at exercising by myself I have zero motivation so having someone drag me out everyday while ignoring all my excuses would be hell but seriously it'd pretty much be the only way to get me off my butt!-------------
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Posted By: whirlwinds
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:29pm
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To both previous comments - I have made extra food when cooking for tea. They're still in the freezer! DH is a fussy eater. He won't eat Pasta, too much rice. Doesn't like microwave dinners (I have bought heart tick ones). He would love to live on meat, veges and bread.
KEBAKAT - The first thing to do is make the decision to start the weight loss. I can't get my head into it! Grrrr! Also another hard thing is. I have depression, which is being managed by meds. I have up and down days. But on top of this is REALLY struggle with Hypothyroidism, I am regularly checked for my levels. My job at the bakery is another unfortunate thing, I start at 5am. So am up between 4am - 4.30am! So a mix of these things is alot to manage through out my day. |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:37pm
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Oh well thats ok chick - YOU eat the frozen meals and let him get takeaways if he wants.
Fish Oil and Evening Primrose Oil were a lifesaver for me when I had severe depression. Can't recommend them highly enough. IMO diet plays a big part in keeping our bodies balanced too so you may find, like I did, that as I began cleaning the crap out of my diet my depression became easier to manage too. Its just one step at a time. No point exercising to lose weight if you aren't eating right so how bout you start there?? Regardless of what your relationship is like the combo of overweightness, depression, hypothyroidism and not a great diet will be making everything just that much harder for your body and head to cope with. Diet will help with all of those things and then once you feel more uhm 'in alignment' as hippy as that sounds lol you figure out your next step and go from there  -------------
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Posted By: whirlwinds
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:40pm
| Argh, Easier said than done! I need a motivator! |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 8:51pm
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:shrug: its really just a case of deciding what you want. this may not be right for you and thats ok -------------
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Posted By: SophieD
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 10:11am
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Unfortunately, Whirlwinds no one can make a decision about this except for you.
I agree with the others in that weight gain can change who you are (both physically and emotionally) and can mean that the person your DH was attracted to in the beginning isn't there anymore IYWIM? You're right in that the first step (and probably the hardest) is making the decision to change. You have some fantastic advice from the girls above and it sounds like you are still making excuses as to how it won't work. It is hard to change and tbh I think you need to take your DH out of the equation, especially if he is not supportive. I don't mean leave him or anything, but let him make his own choices re dinner and you make yours! If ihe is a fussy eater, great for him, he can get his own dinner, you concentrate on what you want/need to eat etc At the end of the day I think you need to make some hard choices, either way. If you are happy with yourself (mentally and physically) now then stand up and discuss that with your DH. If you are not happy, then make that choice and start working towards being happy. I know it is not always easy, good luck :-) ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 25 October 2011 at 12:49pm
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I deleted my previous posts as I said I thought you deserved better, but think my comments were taken the wrong way & I don't know your situation.
I really liked kebakat post, I think it was well said & so true & I know she has put the effort into getting where she is now. A life style change is all it takes & you can do it at your own pace, like swap fizz for water then challenge yourself to drink more of it....& so on, & it wont take long till you consider the changes just a normal day. For me when I am in the weight loss zone it is like a light goes off & I want to do it so the motivation is there. The weather plays a big part for me so I have noticed & these lighter, warmer days make me want to get moving. The only real way to lose weight is to eat less & move more & there are lots of support groups out there & in here. At the end of the day you have to want to do it.. & you have to do it for you & no one else. As for your DH if your weight bothers him that much then ask him to help you, he can cook his own meals or eat crap/takeaways out of the home. Go for walks together at night, but don't rely on him to do it for you or let him hold you back. My DH hates to exercise, but loves to game, he bought us each the EA active2 set for the PS3 & every day we both do it, he is so focused & has lost weight, we both have & we are having fun. It must be hard working in the bakery but just think when you reach for that cream cake about how many calories there are in it & how many sit ups you will need to do to burn it off...then ask yourself is it worth it??? And most important just because you are over weight does not mean you can not wear nice clothes & look good & feel good & have pride in yourself & when you are ready to lose weight for what ever reason you will do it.
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Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 26 October 2011 at 3:35pm
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I agree the motivation has to come with in this is something that I am just starting to get... And what is helping me is that I am sick of feeling like this. My life changed when I had dd and some of it is good some bad. I have gained 20odd kg if not more since DP and I met so has he mind you lol. But we have times when we don't like ourselves therefore we dont like eachother.
I just recently joined the gym and while having trouble going as I have been busy and trying to fit it in round labour weekend and my exams and assignment and DP being busy at work and needing to pick him up and drive him to work (4hrs between shifts is not OK to be driving 20mins eachway) I now have DD in permanent care at the creche and she enjoys it so its something I can't deprive her off. So starting next week when I get back on the horse (can't this weekend because helping with garage sales and things limited to when I can go because of DD still having two hr sleeps in the arvo and her sleeps been REALLY disrupted so thats coming first) I will be going. What really got me was I needed me time DP gets that he goes to work and goes out after sometimes I don't I'm losing my patience with DD because of it and I love the way that she sees me and screams hi mummy when I pick her up from creche. I'm sick of feeling this way and sick of making excuses although I have put excuses in this post lol but they are health related ones not just excuses. I was on the phone to SIL last night and she was stressed, I had a lightbulb moment and realised that we do the same thing, put others before ourselves. Our sex life has been next to nothing but then DP's barely home and when he is I'm asleep (he's a night worker) but I also blame the new contraception tool he found (ps3) lol. I know that once I get moving more my energy levels are going to be up I'm going to be feeling better about myself and I am going to be looking after myself and putting myself first for a couple of hours a week. When we feel rubbish about ourselves we so often feel rubbish about other people and project our feelings on to them. Also having worked stupid hours I know what you mean about getting up early, one of the reasons I don't work early hours aside from I don't work lol. I used to get migraines daily when I started early so I knew for my health I had to stop. It's hard to give up something when you enjoy it so. I did find being tired after work made me not want to do something, but then think of it this way, you have the energy to go out to dinner, go for drinks, go to a movie how about using that energy to go for a run, find a class you enjoy whether its dance, or a beading class whatever takes your fancy, once you start doing it you will be happy, therefore making more of an effort and your whole life will be happier for it. Oh and I do food shopping round here so unless I want it it doesn't end up in our shopping lol. So there are no lollies, or chocolate I do buy chips I dunno why though. So it makes it harder when you have that craving for something which is not a bad thing! Start carrying a bottle of water round with you, have it next to you all the time and you'll soon start drinking more ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: buzylizy
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 1:28pm
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I'm probably not going to have anymore friends left after this post.
Stop being the victim and take some action. If keeping your man is not motivation enough to change your life then what is? I am not saying that weight is the only issue but if there is another he won't admit to it for as long as he can use the weight as an excuse. You cannot change a person...cheaters will cheat again, unromantics won't suddenly start buying flowers and slobs will stay slobs...Ask him what he needs to help you in the house and give it to him so that he has no excuse. If he wants to pick the job let him do it, if he wants to pick the time let him. Stop being his mother and be his partner and that means getting together and figuring the workload out, not telling him what to do and when. Oh and guys will always pick takeaways as food choice. Always. It is you who shouldn't be swayed. If he loves meat and veg...get him a gas griller and make him a deal...you will do the veges if he grills the meat. Healthy and real quick and easy to clean. Salads and stir fries take minutes. Grilled veges in the oven is just as little work. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Evelyn4409
Date Posted: 27 October 2011 at 2:42pm
| Couldnt have said it better myself buzylizy. |