Am I being unreasonable?
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=4147
Printed Date: 05 October 2025 at 3:43am
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Topic: Am I being unreasonable?
Posted By: Rachael21
Subject: Am I being unreasonable?
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 5:30pm
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A friend has a daughter who is 2 in December and she is so violent. She attacks any child and really hurts them, the thing is my friend doesn't stop her so if she is there you have to sit with your child the whole time to protect them. Every now and then she will tell her off and the kid cries so she picks her up and lets her do something really fun. She also roams around you whole house making a mess of every room. I have my house set up so jack can't where I don't want him but can play with everything where he can go.
When I go to other peoples houses I always try to clean up the mess Jack has made and stop him if he is playing with something he shouldn't or trying to hurt another kid or animal. Am I the mean mum who won't let jack do anything fun? or is it Ok to expect the same thing? I understand kids will be kids but don't they also have to learn to behave? I want to say something to my friend but I kind of already know she will say "oh yeah I'm the worst mum you don't want to hang round with someone like me" so I say sorry. It's got to the point where I don't want her coming around anymore. I am looking forward to hearing others opinions |
Replies:
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 5:41pm
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I don't have kids (yet), but I have worked with kids for over 12 years now, including a stinit in daycare. There is no way a child would be allowed to behave like that in dayare - becasue it is not safe. One off attacks happen, especially when the poor littlies get frustrated, but continual attacks are dealt with vrey quickly.
As for the mess, that is just rude. Most grownups pick up after their kids - I can't imagine any of my friends bringing their kids over then leaving everything strewn around - actually, I can't imagine them letting them get into everything! It sounds like she is a little manipulative with the repsonse you expect form her? If you are not enjoying your contact with her, but don't want to cut her off completly, perhaps you could just reduce the amount of visits? That is a tricky situation for you though. -------------  
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Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 5:55pm
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I think Miss said it all really.
Yes kids will be kids and should have the chance to but I think it is rude not to tidy up after your child if they have made a mess of someone else's house. As for her not stopping her child from attacking other children, I'm sorry but that to me is so wrong. I think I'd be inclined to limit contact with her especially given that she does not seem receptive to any constructive advice! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 6:06pm
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Yeah i have to agree, if Kobe was hurting someone i would be stopping him in a second. Sure sometimes they play rough but its not play when someone is getting hurt. There is a wee girl at a playgroup i go to who always lays on the babies, she actaully pushes them to the ground and then lies on them, the mum thinks its cute that she is giving them 'hugs' but every other mother in the room is biting thier tongues.
I guess it would be hard telling someone that thier child is out of control but at the same time I would hate for Kobe to be the kid no one wants to play with because of something i didnt realise he was doing or that I didnt think was wrong if that makes sense. |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 6:11pm
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Thanks for pointing that out Robyn I hadn't thought of that I might try say something cos she might think it is cute. This kid doesn't see many kids so i guess she just goes for it.
thanks miss and paws if things don't get better i might have to limit contact. |
Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 7:19pm
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Maybe just don't invite her over to your house anymore, go out somewhere with her instead, like to the park etc.. then she won't be able to make a mess, and she will have other things to do than just push others around and destroy the house. That way you can leave when you want to as well. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 8:02pm
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When I frist moved over here I met a really nice lady and her son who sounds similar to your friends child. He was so aggressive and on the odd occasion she did do anything about his violent attacks she was basically rewarding him- things like 'come over here and have some cake'. I know that some people parent diiferently but when it comes to your childs safety and wellbeing you have to put them first.
As far as the letting her kids run riot in your house and not cleaning up- like the others have said, thats just bad manners! I would recommend limiting contact, and like Kat said, when you do see her try to meet outside your house. ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 8:33pm
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I would say something personally coz its ur childs safety over what she thinks.
I used to be afraid of Ella being around bigger kids coz of them being so interested and not knowing their limits, but now im fine i only go places where i trust the other parent, i love going to Anas, Joey loves Ella and is always trying to touch her and Ana is really really good and shows him how to touch her gently!!! Hes just soooo CUTE!!! HEHE |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 9:40pm
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I am with meow....how about suggesting you meet somewhere else...maybe a park etc where she has to keep an eye on her kid? Or chipmunks (even Mcd's playground)etc where if she does that to someone elses kid THEY will step up and say something...you could then always back them up and say "well...she is kinda outta control..etc etc.."
I wouldnt cut her off but maybe she needs her eyes opened a little in a gentle way...? |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 21 October 2006 at 10:54pm
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I have a semi-violent child! (I say semi because sometimes she is all hugs and kisses, next minute she is biting!)
Not that I am excusing the mother's lack of responsibility. I try and make sure that I intervene when Hannah is being a devil, but she is so damn quick! Geez, I really hope I don't make people feel like you do Rach. (Ana..? Kat...? Help! Reassurance!) If talking to the mother fails, maybe you could intervene instead. Not by disciplining or anything, but just remove the child from the situation and tell her than she has to be gentle. I seriously wouldn't mind if someone did that to Hannah. And if you friend doesn't take the hint by you telling her your problem, that might be your only solution. Good luck! |
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 5:48am
Sooo not Nikki! Hannahs not that bad at all and you're really good at stepping in when anything does crop up  ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 7:32am
| I always feel it's not how the kid behaves, but how the parents respond. I used to get annoyed with people pushing Jake around, and not saying anything. If Jake (ha..."if") is pushy to other kids, I always try to make him apologise and show him how to be more gentle. daycare taught him not to pat but to rub which helps as pats soon escalate into slaps. I would certainly limit how much time you spend around this woman, cause kids learn through imitation and Jack will copy this child and think it's okay. We always make Jake and Taine clean up after themselves at hom,e and other people's houses - even if we do most of the cleaning, jake through a few blocks in the rihgt containers. |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 8:34am
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I agree with everyone else... you're not being unreasonable, you are putting your child's wellbeing first. If the mother is not taking responsibility for her child's behaviour, then it (unfortunately) falls on you to find new ways for you to interact... and if that doesn't work (ie, the kid is still being violent, and your boundries are not being respected) then it may be time to reevaluate the friendship.
I "let" a friendship die after the mum laughed when her son pulled a potted plant out by the stem - at my parents place where I was housesitting! She knew it wasn't my house, and knew the plants were off limits (I'd already growled Kiya for touching them) but still didn't do anything about her son... I had to clean up the mess and repot the plant. ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 9:36am
no not at all i have a friend who will let her kids fight each outher but gets up set when a nother kid hits her kid at daycare goo figuer ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 9:44am
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I stop other kids if they are being too rough with Hannah. I didnt used to but now I dont care what the other parents think, my babies my important. I just either pick Hannah up or show the other kid how to be more gentle - its usually cos the older one has gotten all excited and rough, not cos thats how they are and I dont think the parents mind... ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 10:20am
| If kids are being to rough i tell them to be gentle etc.. loud enough so the mother can hear if possible. We have this problem heaps when I put Addison down in her carseat when we go out to places like Chipmunks, kids seem drawn to babies and can get really rough. I remember once we were at a playground and this older kid was picking on Kobe and being rough and I told him a hundred times not to and then he raced up to Kobe and screamed in his face and Kobe burst out crying and I actually swore to be honest, just said oh that f**cken great, which Im not proud of but the little kid finally go the message and left him alone but by then Kobe wouldnt play anymore and i was so mad that the mother hadnt stepped in cos it really ruined our playtime. |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 10:36am
We were at a playground one day and Hannah very kindly gave a baby in a capsule a whole lot of bark to play with.  I had to sit there for 15 minutes picking it all back out (while the mother was getting icecreams for her other children) and hope like hell she didn't attack me when she came back adn found me crouching over her baby!
Luckily she was quite forgiving... I guess her other kids had done things like that to the baby too. But still - Mortifying! |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 10:37am
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Well last night I saw her and asked her if she was going to this playgroup thing and she said she didn't know because she was so embarassed cos her kid attacks everyone. I say to her to try telling her kid off because it seems like maybe she just doesn't know what to do.
BTW my friend is a single mum and has lived with her parents until recently and they look after the kid a lot and spoil her |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 10:40am
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Well... it is hard dealing with a kid that is quite nasty at times. I know sometimes I am at my wits end when Han is being rough.
The best thing I have found is removing them from the situation.... whether that is a meter away or time out in the hall way or whatever. I'd say she needs to learn some techniques fast because otherwise what could just be a stage could turn into 'normal' behaviour for that child. |
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 10:50am
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That sounds more promising - if she is aware of the problem then she might be able to learn some techniques to deal with and change the behaviour. Perhaps you could bring it up again, and say something liek - you know how you are worried because your child is attacking other kids, one thing that I find really helpful is that whenever I see a child doing it, I pick them up, remove them from the other child, put them down, crouch to their level and say a really strong NO.
She might try it if you give it in a friendly way and only give her one idea. (too many is overwhelming when you are already not coping). -------------
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 11:13am
| I do that removing thing with jake too. His six year old cousin is here at the moment and Jake sees him as a wrestlying partner. Poor Sam. He was getting really cross with him, so I bundled Jake up and we went into the bedroom. jake yelled, then we read a story and I told him he needed to be calm around Sam and then showed him some blocks that they could play with together. the time-out thing is really great for getting the kiddies to calm down! |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 12:46pm
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depending how comfortable with the other person. I hv a few friends with older kids that wouldn't knwo any better and I am sure when/if baby gets in their way or they don't know what they are doing is hurting baby or wrecking the place I would say nicely 'oh thats not nice and distract them to something else and I am sure my friends wouldn't care cause I wouldn't. when my first born was little my friend had a child 9 months older and that wot we would do - but it went both ways. with you not saying anything your friend mite think you think its ok. ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 5:42pm
| oh if she has lived with her parents she might be used to handing over the discipline - or even having been overruled by them....I have a friend whose lived with her parents and her son listens to the grandparents but not to her....it is quite sad really.... |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 9:44pm
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My nearly 3 year old wouldn't say boo to a fly, as the saying goes, and came across a little roughie. We taught her to say "stop, I don't like that" or whatever and come straight to us (I realise Jack's not at that age yet). Advice I was given was to give the "victim" all the attention so it doesn't pay off for the bully.
I would suggest saying 'no' to the 2yo, grab her hand firmly and move her away. Then give all your cuddles etc to Jack. See if that helps. It's a tricky situation because it may be already that the 2yo feels threatened by him getting a lot of attention.
I agree with meeting elsewhere, if you meet on mutual ground or at her place, you can leave if things get too out of hand. As for cleaning up toys, not everyone does it, it is a courtesy, so rather difficult to enforce at your own place. Relatives of mine have children a bit older than mine, when they leave they leave the mess as is (I think they don't even realise that we never spread things so much, and just think well we were playing WITH them...maybe?) but my biggest trouble is that they don't take care of our toys and we keep finding things broken afterwards. We don't know exactly who does it because we've never seen it happen (but my girls don't have the strength, so it's one of "them")... grrr -------------  |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 22 October 2006 at 9:45pm
Wow what a ramble, I must be getting tired  Goodnight!------------- |
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 23 October 2006 at 12:00am
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I just had a thought about the mess thing. Every time my nephew and/or niece come over, whenever their mum makes leaving noises I always say to them - ok guys, lets get that mess cleaned up before you go shall we - and go to the place with most of the mess and involve them. That way I am showing what I expect to happen, but not relying on my sister to get the kids to pick up. The kids know it is expected too, now, so they do tidy up more easily now. -------------
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Posted By: nuttymama
Date Posted: 23 October 2006 at 8:54am
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I have a friend that sounds just like that. Her daughter used to constantly hurt jayden and all her mother would say is "oh well she has to be lke that with her big brothers and sisters", and then she would laugh! Jayden put up with it for months and months until one day he finally broke and she hit his head into the wall and he decided he had had enough and walloped her back. While I don't condone kids fighting I noticed she never hit Jayden after that. And unfortunately I think that Jayden hitting back is the only way she learnt. I have also noticed sheis the onnly one he has ever lost his patience with. She would also contantly let her kids trash my house and go onto rooms they weren't allowed in. So enough was enough, I started telling them to clean up as she said "we had better go" and started telling them off (politly of course) if they went into rooms they knew they weren't allowed to. She doesn't seem to have taken offence to this as she still comes over. ------------- Abigail 06/01/2005 Jayden 21/11/2001 Micheal 03/04/1997 |
Posted By: linda
Date Posted: 23 October 2006 at 7:23pm
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We were at a cafe once and Harry hit a girl slightly bigger than him. We were so embarrassed so got Harry to apologise. The parents of the girl said to us that it was ok, it was just a stage (one of many) and their daughter also went thru it. Harry doesn't do it now but
I thought it was nice of the parents to reasure us as we were so embarrassed and hadn't dealt with anything like that before. Now if children hit Harry we can say that its ok, Harry use to do that (and I would only say that if the parents spoke to the child about how hitting is wrong. |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 24 October 2006 at 10:28am
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Like Liz Zaara has learned to "Pat"....but I always tell her NO Zaara...nicey nicey please...and then she rubs. I would tell a kid off if they tried to hurt her (wouldnt care if the parent(s) dont like it)....specially if they dont stop this themself.
I would hate it if my daughter was known as the bully....I will teach her not to do it. As for cleaning up ...hello....common courtecy.... And Nikki...Hannah was sooo sweet when I saw her!! what are you talking about? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 24 October 2006 at 12:03pm
haha She must have been having a good day 
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