not coping
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Topic: not coping
Posted By: Allysbelly
Subject: not coping
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 7:46am
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we moved cities about 2months ago and i am finding the move really hard to cope with.
i have been goin to coffee groups and making the effort to try n make friends but i am finding it really hard. i tried to talk to DF last night about the fact that i dont want to live here long term and that i feel lonely and panicked when he goes to work. he said he just doesnt understand what the problem is that he hasnt made any friends either. and that he doesnt want to go back anytime soon. all i can think about is ways i can move back home with my family and friends but that would mean i would have to leave DF which i dont want to do. but i am so unhappy i just dont know what to do. |
Replies:
Posted By: Caro07
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 8:17am
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I can sympathise/empathise with the moving cities and struggling to meet people. Do you work? I don't (am a SAHM) and I think it is really hard to meet people when you don't. You just don't get those ready made social contacts handed to you like you do at work. I think time is a big factor - it will take at least 6 months, more realistically 1-2 years to settle somewhere.
I don't know what to say about your DF not understanding. If you are committed to staying with your DF (and the new city is absolutely where you have to stay as a family) you need to just keep getting out there. Even if you feel that you aren't meeting people/making friends you have to keep going to all the coffee groups and playgroups. I found this really hard as I am quite shy and really didn't want to keep going and feeling like the odd one out but did persevere. And it does pay off. Not sure how old you child is but have you considered playcentres and contacting plunket for an idea about some support groups? If you have any hobbies is your DF able to look after your child while you get out to an evening class/gym etc? If you really struggle to settle though I guess you need to lay the facts out for him and ask him to consider your point of view. Is it realistic/possible for you to move back to where you are from? In my case DH is the sole worker so his job has to take priority. I understand missing family etc as this is something I really struggle with and my family live in England so no easy way round it. This wasn't really an option for us as we have to move for DH's work ( and at this point he can't work in England) and that is the decision we made. Don't know if this has helped but I didn't want to rad and run  ------------- Caroline, SAHM to 2 boys, S (4 years old) and J (2 years old) 
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 8:53am
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thanks for the support.
my DS is 8mo. my plunket nurse gave me a list of playgroups in the area but i dont drive so it can be hard to get around. i dont work i am a stay at home mum. i did consider getting a part time job but i am preg again and due in december so i dont think that realistic. DF brother offered him a job doing concrete which is similar to what he used to do in chch. he is one of those ppl that is quite happy to stay at home and watch tv all weekend and not see anyone but i am really close to my family and was used to seeing them 3-5times a week and he doesnt understand that. i honestly thought when we moved that it would be alot easier than this. he said his brother was goin to make a new company bakc in chch in 2-3 years once DF has some more experience but i dont know if he just saying this to make me shut up or something. moving back is not an option at the moment DF made it really clear last night that he absolutley doesnt want to move back. but when we moved i was under the impression that we might be able to in a few years. |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 9:13am
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2 months is not long at all- Ive never felt settle anywhere Ive moved after only 2months. Like Caro said- it takes at least 6months-a year to feel settled. Ive found the opposite from her tho- I have found it a million times easier to meet people since being a mum than before. I work part-time and have been at that job over 3 years but still dont see any of those people socially at all.
I moved to Gisborne a week after #1's first birthday- I actually posted on Ohbaby asking to meet people that live here- Im still realy good friends with the first person I met here- and that was through Ohbaby 4 1/2 years ago! It would be really really hard suddenly being away from family tho- maybe lkook into some fun stuff that you.DP and baby can all do in the weekend together- starting off your own family outtings and traditions! Sounds like u would have to think of stuff , tell him its important to you and hopefully he'll be keen to do them too. It will be much easier hwn your baby is a bit older too and can really enjoy going to playground etc etc as a family. Our plunket here have a "new to Gisborne Group", so maybe there is something like that u could go to. There will honestly be heaps of other people around feeling just as isolated with a young baby as you are. You just gotta make the effort and find them! Could be as simile as chatting to another mum at the local park/shop/playground and asking what groups are about etc. Good luck! It WILL get easier! |
Posted By: MrsEmma
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 12:14pm
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What a hard situation, I really feel for you!
I agree with keep trying the playgroups and coffee groups, I know it can be hard to meet people but do persevere, you just have to keep trying. I understand that it's hard without your family, my family all live overseas and I hate not having them here to visit and see often! Things might change in a few years and your DF might want to go back - heck, you might even be the one who wants to stay
Things will get easer! GL! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: InthemiddleMummy
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 1:38pm
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What town have you moved too? Maybe put up a Hello Im new in town thread in here. or join the Dec due thread see if their is anyone in same town as you. Definately try to get to plunket/coffee groups. Get their numbers and initiate a time/place for catch ups. are you on facebook, set up private group with people you meet to chat too.
Some mothers are terrible at never arranging any coffee meetings. with my 1st baby one day when baby was about 5weeks I rung every mum on the anti natel list (that had landlines) and said Hi, have you had your baby, blah blah its me from anti natel group etc. Lets met up and it all started from there out of the 8 woman in the group I now have 4 very close friends You are not alone, being SAHM can be very lonely sometimes. Reach out you will find some new mummy friends for sure! |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 2:24pm
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I am in a similar situation in that we moved up to Akl and DH wants to go back to Manawatu and I don't.
It took some doing I made myself go out to playgroups and toddler activities and take DD to playgrounds etc It's taken a good year to feel settled and to make friends it does take time. I'm not prepared to break up my marriage so I don't have to move. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Red
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 3:15pm
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Sorry to hear you are finding things rough - do you have a playcentre close to you? That would prob be a good way to meet other mums. Hope things improve, let us know where you are, someone who lives by you might be feeling the same way! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 3:37pm
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Thanks. I'm in Hamilton. Yes there's a mainly music up the rd.
I know it takes time but I honestly thought it would be easier. I am really close to my family n find it hard not being able to c them a couple of times a week. |
Posted By: Orca1
Date Posted: 01 May 2012 at 7:11pm
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It is really hard settling into a new place. I have been away from family for 12 years and have had three country moves in that time and in my opinion its tough whether you are working or a SAHM.
The other ladies are right, perserverance will eventually pay off and you really do have to put yourself out there. Even if you only meet one or two people you click with thats all you need. Getting out and about with DF during the weekend is also a good idea. I find skype a great way of staying in touch with family and often just seeing my mum on screen makes me feel better! Hang in there and be patient it does take time to get used to a new place and get over homesickness. -------------  DD born 2008 Oct 2009, April 2010, Dec 2010, June 20117 x IVF/ICSI/PGD = BFN |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 02 May 2012 at 7:35am
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thanks.
yea i have been getting out but i find it hard to make connections with ppl. i just cant stop crying and panniking when DF leaves for work which sounds so stupid i have never been like this before. |
Posted By: Lilysmumma
Date Posted: 02 May 2012 at 7:48am
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Ally_cat there is nothing "stupid" about how you are feeling. For some people being away from family and friends is very very hard and for others its easier. I think the others are right in terms of getting out and meeting people but you should also look at getting out with your partner and meet some other couples as this will allow you to create a social group in Hamilton. Do you have any hobbies that you could look for local groups, e.g. walking? ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 02 May 2012 at 12:18pm
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its feels like that cause DF keeps sayin he hasnt made any friends and he has to go to work which i know but it doesnt make it any easier.
i thought it would be easier than this but im finding it really differcult. yea i have been going to coffee groups and mainly music and stuff. umm i do like walking theres a walking group run by plunket but i dont drive so im finding it abit hard to get to some places. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 03 May 2012 at 1:08pm
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There are buses in Hamilton so why don't you use those?
Two months is not a very long time to get settled in, I have been in Chch for a year and made no friends but then I am working so don't have the opportunities to go to things with DS where I would meet people. Plus i can't really be bothered after a day of working if I am honest - maybe your partner feels a bit that way too. Like NewMum said, look for a group of people who share the same interests as you such as a similar hobby, most parent groups will have a real range of people and it is probably easier to start a friendship based on a common interest (other than kids). You can't expect other people to make all the effort, try talking to the people at the groups you are going to, maybe take some baking along one week to get chatting over...sounds lame maybe but it is a starting point. Or if there is something you are interested in, take something along as a prop to get a conversation started. Obviously not a gun or hunting knife if you are into hunting lol... ------------- 
Oct 11
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Posted By: BessieBear
Date Posted: 03 May 2012 at 8:00pm
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I'm in hamilton as well, Rototuna. If you'd like someone to walk with or someone to bring around some baking and have a coffee with you then give me a yell. I belong to a hamitlon Fb group that has become so big its raelly overwhelming but if you want me to add you let me know. Theres lots of mums in there with all age kids. ------------- Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel 07/08/2014
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 8:02am
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i have been using the buses. i know it takes time but i am feeling like its really overwhealming at the moment.
@Bessiebear. that would be cool! id love to meet some other mums! |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 9:37am
Ally_cat - hang in there hun it does take time. Do you have skype?? But talking to your friends back home is important as well. When I have moved towns in the past I have found it takes a good 6 months (I know that is no comfort at the moment) to start to feel settled. Then you will be walking down the street one day and see someone you 'know' and all of a sudden you actually feel like you are home!! Sending you some hugs
I know you probably have already looked into it but do the libraries down there do 'storytime' and 'wriggle and rhyme' they are a good way to meet people as well Yay Bessiebear so nice for people to reach out to others hope you guys do manage to meet up!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 1:31pm
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thanks.
yea i know thats what every1 is telling me that it take 6 to 12months to settle in. im just finding it hard as we had such a great group of friends in chch and even though i did spend alot of time during the day alone like i am here my mum would pop in at lunch or after school on her way home or my brother or sister would come over after work and i had a friend who would come over after work as she worked early mornings so would come over and we would go for walks or have lunch together and i had my uni friends i could go n have coffee with at lunch time and stuff. and i am finding it really hard not being able to see family whenever as we dont have the money to go back very often. ive been goin to playgroups and coffee groups here but it takes time to form friendships which i am finding quite hard to do. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 8:28pm
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Just a thought (but you probably already have) keep an eye on the Air NZ and jetstar cheap flights you never know what might pop up and you could head back for a day?? Sometimes they do some super super deals or even if you got your mum or someone else to keep an eye out to come up for a bit.
Sounds like you are doing everything you can but just need a bit of comfort, the days can be really long if you don't have someone else to say hi to even if it is for five mins. Look after yourself and keep telling people how you feel. Hopefully your DF has something wonderful planned for mothers day, breakfast in bed or a sleep-in or something else you want (they are just what I want)... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 05 May 2012 at 8:39am
| yup i have been keeping an eye on them. thanks for all the support. :) |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 05 May 2012 at 4:15pm
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Can your family come see you? Since we've moved family have come to see us and by them organising and booking a trip it gives something to look forward to. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 05 May 2012 at 6:46pm
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um yea my brother n his gf are coming in late june for a night and a family friend is coming in july.
but my mum works in a school and my dad has a busy patch coming up so bit hard for them to get away. i really just want to move bak or to where DF parents live as its not far from his grandparents and brother and i have friends there already. im finding the thought of having to try and make friends all over again quite dawnting. and knowing that if i dont go to mothers groups each day then i wont see anyone all week long. |
Posted By: mummymonster
Date Posted: 05 May 2012 at 6:49pm
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we live a long way from my family. i've been here 11 years now. it was easier being away from family before kids and after kids your friends group change.
i've been through two PIN groups and TBH out of all that there's just 1 mum that has become a good friend. I reckon it's easier to make new friends who are also not born where you currently are (IYKWIM). I think sometimes about moving back 'home' but other than direct family I'd actually end up in a less-friends state than I am here. (none of that helps you though) You'll find them eventually, and maybe only 1 every now and then. The other place I suggest you contact is your local PND group. You might not actually have PND but they are a GREAT bunch of people and they have coffee groups and all that too. I'm not surprised DH isn't effected by it. My DH doesn't have a local group of friends. Work, a few out of town friends, and computer games covers it for him. And I don't know your individual situation in CHCH but hearing anyone from there doesn't want to go back doesn't surprise me either. CHCH has had such a bad luck time for the last year & a bit. Good luck and many hugs  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 06 May 2012 at 7:12pm
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I would 2nd IsaacsMum's suggestion of contacting your local PND group. You have a lot going on, moving cities, a young child, and now pg hormones going on. Some of this could be causing or helping cause the feelings of anxiety. They might be able to help you with feeling a bit more relaxed, or maybe go and talk to a doctor about how you are feeling, you may even be able to get some free counselling sessions which could help you sort out how you are feeling.
Good luck! ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: KatieD
Date Posted: 06 May 2012 at 7:38pm
Hey ally_cat, I really empathise with you. We emigrated here 4 years ago from England, hubby went to work within 2 days of us landing. It was hard going. I contacted the local settlers support group run by our council who were great to talk to, although I didn't follow up all their suggestions. I cannot stand playgroups. The moment someone clocks you with a kid, their suggestion is 'get to a playgroup/find a coffee morning' great for the kid, my idea of hell. You have my permission to poke the next person in the eye who suggests a yummy mummy gathering or suchlike 
Yanno what, it's good that you're coming here and talking about how you're feeling. There is lots of well meaning advice here too, but perhaps you're just not ready to take all that on board yet. Allow yourself to feel how you are feeling right now. Huge move, huge adjustment, and it IS a VERY lonely time, especially when the partner can't see how much it is affecting you. So it's completely ok, and completely normal to feel how you are feeling. Trick is, to not let it go on for too long. Have you registered with a GP yet? Do you think some antidepressants might help? Some are safe to take during pregnancy. Keep up the very gentle exercise, a walk around the garden, down the street and back, taking in the sun, the sound of the birds. We can sometimes forget the most beautiful things. When YOU feel up to it, you'll know it's time to perhaps invite yourself to the neighbours for a coffee, or browse the local library, or go to a cafe and gradually mix in with other social circles. Will be thinking about you. Be kind to yourself, xx |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 07 May 2012 at 8:14am
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thanks. we are in a less friend state here thats y i dont really understand y DF is so against going back as i said before we had a great group of friends and all of my family are down there.
and now DF only has his brother here and they work together allday then we often hang out with them after work and on the weekends. i keep thinking they are goin to get sick of us soon. they are also thinking of moving back to their hometown soon so then we would be alone. i will look into pnd groups. i am finding the coffee groups and playgroups quite hard to break into even though i have been going for a few weeks the ladies already know each other and tend to keep to their groups. i was thinking of going to do some uni papers here but now that im preg i think i would struggle to keep up. DF mentioned that his brother was thinking of setting up a business in chch in a couple of years once DF has experience and can run it but i dont know how true/ if hes just saying it to make me feel better for now. |
Posted By: kernowexile
Date Posted: 07 May 2012 at 5:24pm
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Oh ally_cat I hear you about struggling to settle. I used my sport/hobbie to help me find friends which ended up helping as being a phd student I found it all really isolating when we first moved here and the OH was at work all day.
I would definitely recommend a group/organisation which is something you are interested in, perhaps without the little one, so people get to know you. The other thing I did was bought a book of walks around the area I live in, and set myself a challenge to try and explore and learn about where I'd moved to. It sounds a bit geeky, but I have found some cool places. I also definitely recommend using Skype lots and lots. I find it makes my family seem just down the road rather than the other side of the world! Having said all that, all the feelings you have are soooo familiar to me, and just want to say, thinking of you. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 07 May 2012 at 5:38pm
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thanks!!
i was thinking of doing some volunteer work for doc as thats what i done my degree in but i dont have my liscense so would be abit hard. i have been using skype heaps which is good to keep in contact with my family and friends. i honestly thought that when we moved it would be a whole lot easier to make new friends and i never thought of feeling lonely at all. i just thought of missing my family as we are really close. i def want to join something where i can meet ppl with similar interests but as i am pregnant i dont think i could start playing sport now and we dont really have the money either. im not really sure what to do that is cheap and i dont really know what i am interested in anymore since becoming a mum lol that sounds abit silly. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 07 May 2012 at 9:18pm
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Ally_cat - Hope your going ok, it isn't silly saying you don't know what you are interested in anymore it all changes once bubs come along. Maybe you could do some pregnancy yoga or something like that... But I am sure you have already thought about that as well
Hey one thing a friend of mine was talking about the other day which I think sounds interesting is the happiness project here is the link if you wanted to have a look http://happiness-project.com/ - LINK LINK Take care of yourself!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 08 May 2012 at 4:09pm
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Thanks. I'm feeling ok today but I've spent the day at my sil place do I feel alg when I'm around ppl that I can chat tobut when I'm home slime which is quite often as Df works ling hours I feel really overwhelmed snd alone.
I guess it will get easier with time but right now I hate being here. I am thinking of groups n stuff that I can do. N will talk to Df about it 2. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 10 May 2012 at 8:10pm
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Hope you have a great weekend take care ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 11 May 2012 at 4:29pm
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hey chick hope your doing ok, we were in a similar situation, we moved to a new town and knew no one also i had to give up my job,
local play groups are really good for meeting people, I was quite bitter about moving away from my family etc and friends so for a long time after moving ALL i could focus on was everything negative about moving and where we had moved too it totally consumed me also i dont make friends easily but soon realised that unless i really made an effort and put myself out there i wasnt giving it the chance it deserved also i had some family who wernt happy about us moving keep telling me how we shouldnt of move and should just move back which didnt help at all, my DH didnt understand how i was feeling either and once we sat down and had a good talk we realised it was because he was focused on our future and why we had moved and i was just focusing on the past, it took him a while but he realised how hard it was for me. now its been 7mths and i love it, i have me some really fab people and cant imagine moving back to our home town. hope your partner tries to realise how your feeling big hugs to you!  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 11 May 2012 at 4:42pm
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thanks.
i havent been angry about it at DF hes doing it for our future i just feel really upset at not knowing anyone and i really miss my family. i guess i have been focusing on that alot but i just dont know how not to. Df doesnt understand at all and i have tried to talk to him about it but he just gets fustrated at me n says to think of the positives which i cant really see atm. he keeps saying its better money and we goin to be set up better for life and i can go back when ever i want but hes not actually earning any more money than he was in chch. and we have absolutley no extra money to buy plane tickets. but he has gone out and brought a new tv and a few other things he wanted. which im pretty peved off about. but he just doesnt understand that u need to buy tickets early or they get more expensive. ive been making an effort to go to playgroups and music groups and stuff and talk to ppl. but im still finding it really hard and i keep thinking how i am going to cope when our new baby is born as i have no support network here except for my sil but she has been really sick lately and having losts of tests and stuff done so i feel like i cant relay on her (shes absolutely lovely and if i needed anything she would be over in aminute but i feel really bad for bothering her) and i really want my family around me when i have a young baby for support and help if i need it. oh and DF brother and sil are thinking of moving cities soon aswell so then we wont have any family here. |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 12 May 2012 at 3:26am
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Bigs hugs ally_cat. I'm in a similar situation and it's hard. We moved to Toronto in the beginning of Jan this year for DH's career and it's tough going, for me I worry about who would look after our 17 month old if something were to happen to us when we're over here as we have no family or friends and DH often goes out of town for business. I think your SIL would be glad to for the company and even if she's unwell I'm sure having you around is a nice distraction for her too.
I've been trying to do the playgroup thing too but it's still hard to make friends. If you can perhaps plan a trip home for yourself and ask your mum or a family member to come and visit even if it's just for a weekend it might do you the world of good and give you something to look forward too. Also I find skype is good even just for a chat. I also find going for walks a good distraction but then there are times when I'm just over it too. |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 12 May 2012 at 6:49am
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thanks blueberry. big hugs to u 2!!
it is hard to make friends. i ve found it hard to talk to other women about anything other than kids as thats the thing we have in common. trying to talk about other interests is hard. yea i have been goin for walks aswell but DFs work mate told him that i have to stick to the main roads around this area as its abit rough and theres lots of gangs and stuff so theres not many places to walk. i love skype!! i dont know how id cope at all if i couldnt skype my family!! DFs brother mentioned they were thinking of moving into a bigger house and it had a 2bedroom house on the property aswell and i thought that would be a great i dea as me and sil would be able to offer each other support abit more easily.. but nothing ever came of it but im still hoping that it will come up again. |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 12 May 2012 at 1:09pm
| Thanks I have up days and down days. Today was an up spoke to 2 other mums and one of them txt me for a play date, couldn't make it but it's a start. I couldn't drive when I got here and that was really hard, we have a car but DH uses it to get to the train station to get to work but I can have it if I drop him off and pick him up awkward but can be done. I needed the car a few days ago as I noticed DD wasn't well so had to walk to the station but it was a 30 mins brisk walk and luckily the weather was on our side and the rain stayed away while we were walking and then poured when we back home after picking up the car and going to the doctors. Anyway was thinking would you consider getting your license as a start to getting yourself out and about. Expensive but getting your learners could give you something to work on. PS I've had those moments of dread when DH goes to work too and the what the hell was I thinking moving here, I'm a shy person and lose my confidence easily so why was I crazy enough to move when I feel I'd just gotten settled in my last move from my home town to Auckland. |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 12 May 2012 at 1:17pm
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yea i have my learners and am working on gettin my restricted.
yea i know what u mean i dread it when DF leaves for work but i am usually ok in the mornings as i have been goin to playgroups and stuff but when i get home i pretty much just cry the whole day. i really hate it here and i cant see any positives at all. even DF said last night he got paid more in his last job but said in the long run will be better for us and i guess it will once he knows how to lay concrete by himself but i really just hope once he can do it by himself he will want to move back to chch and do it there. theres goin to be so much work there so y not capitialise on it. i think at the moment Df is enjoying it cause he has his brother but what happens when they move in acouple of years we wont have any one here i find it hard to get round on the bus with a stroller and im preg with no 2 so i need to drive. lately DS has been real grizzly as hes getting his bottom teeth and i feel like i cant cope with him grizzling all day. i do cause i have to but sometimes i just feel like curling up in bed and not getting out and i have no one i can go to for a break or to help out with ds. |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 12 May 2012 at 2:24pm
| Oh no the grizzly baby I don't think many people can cope with a grizzly baby. |
Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 12 May 2012 at 2:36pm
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Allycat reading your posts I feel like you might be suffering from depression, it sounds so familiar (I have suffered from PND and anxiety and probably depression for many years) and I feel you should try reach out to a GP to help you with that so you can cope a little better with the changes in your life. It sounds so tough it really does and there are no easy answers. You are doing all the right things. It doesn't sound like your DF really understands how much this is affecting you either. Perhaps if you wrote him a letter he might understand better, if you could try and get it out in writing? Might even be therapeutic for you either way. I think just keep doing what you are doing and you will meet a friend you are like minded with, I have been to lots of playgroups/coffee groups etc and it took a while to make genuine connections with people because you're right it's hard when you dont have anything to talk about other than babies... because that gets boring after a while. Perhaps you could join a social sports team, something just for you, that DS is not a part of? Is getting some part time/casual work an option at all, to meet people? I think the volunteering sounds like a great idea too...
But yeah I think the fact you are feeling anxious, crying and finding it tough to get out of bed are all warning signs that something a little more might be going on, you don't need to suffer if that is the case, please try to talk to your doctor about it, antidepressants perhaps could just help you through this really tough time, or a counsellor to talk to if you're not into that- you can usually get some free sessions if you have depression ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 13 May 2012 at 4:02am
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I don't know if you'redepressed or not and that's really something you need to discuss with a professional but I think you're probably going through some of the most stress situations you'll ever have to deal with so no wonder you're finding it hard. For me DH knows where I want us to live in the long term and for the moment I'll do the best I can living here.
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 13 May 2012 at 4:19pm
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im not sure if i am either it might just be how im feeling now im not sure but i think i should talk to some1.
i am goin to go down and visit my family in the june holz for abit as DF has said he will make sure i get there. so im looking forward to that. i have realised im fine when im around Df but when he has to go to work i panic and that mostly when i hate it. like tonight i cant stop thinking about tomorrow. ill be ok in the morning as i have a music thing to go to but then in the afternoon ill be home alone and thats what im freaking out about. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 14 May 2012 at 8:42am
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Ally_cat maybe you should talk to your doctor, it could be a bit of depression, there are a whole lot of different types and levels of depression and some people all it takes is to talk or write about it and others need a more help. But talking to them will at least mean if you are getting depressed then you can get help from that side which might make it easier.
I have one thing I have started to do and that is write down the highlight of the day or actually the afternoon with my little one as I was starting to count down the hours till DH got home from work and realised that I needed something else to focus on rather than when DH was getting home. On another note hope you had a lovely weekend
Enjoy your day take care. Oh just thought of something that might help cheer you up, you have just made a whole lot of friends on Oh Baby just by posting a message. Imagine how many cups of tea/coffee you would of had with all of us if we were there with you!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 14 May 2012 at 2:51pm
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Do you have any hobbies AllyCat, maybe that is something you could sart doing again, something you liked before kidlets. You could see if you could do something when your hubby is home to mind your little one so it is about you, not the kids if that makes sense! Life does change quite a bit when kids come along and sometimes i think you sort of forget what you enjoyed doing before they came along.
Did you have a nice mothers day though? Whereabouts in Hamilton are you, I used to live there, maybe could give you some ideas of good places to go check out if you are finding it yucko at home during the day. -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 14 May 2012 at 7:48pm
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i was thinking about joining soccer before i was preg. and i really want to get into sewing but we dont really have the funds atm to be doing much.
i live at 5 cross roads. to make matters worse DF has been real distant tonight hes not excitied about this baby at all and for the last 3 nights has drank he doesnt get wasted but gets tipsy. and he never used to drink so much. and lately hes been having 6-7 drinks about 3-4nights a week. i asked him if everything is ok n he said yes i asked him what the matter is and he said nothing. everyone says when a guy says nothing thats what they mean but it seems like theres something hes not saying. mothers day was nice we went out for breakfast n spent the afternoon with DF brother. |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 15 May 2012 at 2:56am
| Eek you're in a between a rock and a hard place. My DH has always liked a drink after work and he's been having a few more himself, for him I think it's stress as moving and starting a new job isn't easy. He's not unhappy as such just a lot of stuff going on and I'm sure the same goes for your DF. Have you considered knitting or crochet? If your a crafty they could be cheaper options. Anyway was thinking of you, we didn't do much for Mother's Day, DH had to work so me and DD went and had a wonder around Ikea, got some bread from the supermarket, picked up our drycleaning and had a wee picnic outside in the backyard. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 15 May 2012 at 10:06am
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Well I am hoping the weather clears so we can get outside today MIL is coming over so fingers crossed.
Ally_cat - I would love to be more crafty but can't afford to as I never really finish things so have to finish the projects I have going before starting something new. But I love to visit this webpage http://www.amybutlerdesign.com/main.php?fl=0 - LINK LINK she has some amazing stuff and some free patterns - you can get her fabric here but it is $$$ but still nice to look at. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 15 May 2012 at 10:29am
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I used to live round there on Claude St! Have you been to the showgrounds playground, it is pretty cool nowadays. Five cross roads is a good spot coz it is close to town, I used to walk to work sometimes.
Did you know that quite a few second hand shops have crafty things like leftover material and wool and even things like knitting needles and patterns..it is a good way to get a few supplies especially if you are just trying things out. I have just started crocheting....people say it is easy and once you get the hang out it it is as easy as knitting. -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 15 May 2012 at 3:32pm
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Nutella - I have started crocheting as well I find it a whole heap slower than knitting and I get sore fingers (maybe I am just getting older).
Ally_cat There is a craft forum on Oh Baby as well you might find someone there who has some good tips on shops in Hamilton... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 15 May 2012 at 4:09pm
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Thanks. I'll try that. N I think I'll give knitting or croquetting a go.
I guess I'll just give Df some time to adjust. |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 18 May 2012 at 8:36am
| How's your week going? |
Posted By: kernowexile
Date Posted: 18 May 2012 at 9:36am
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blueberry - can I just say how jealous I am that you went for a wander around Ikea! When we went back to the UK last year we flew back with rugs & lampshades and all sorts of stuff that just seems sooo $$$ here.
Hey ally_cat - how's it going? You could always go along to a soccer club, even if pregnant, just to set yourself up for when you no longer are baking the baby? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 18 May 2012 at 11:29am
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kernowexile - Yeah Ikea seems to be cheaper here than in Aussie too. Our house is slowly being IKea-ed! But who wouldn't, it's one of the only shops I'm familiar with over here and it's so cheap I can afford it.
I watched part of a programme on TV today about new mothers being isolated and how so much emphasis is put on having a baby and not much about the afterwards when the hard yards start. I thought it was very true. Allycat - Hope your playgroups are going well, I got a phone number off a mom. Still lonely but slowly making progress.
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 18 May 2012 at 2:29pm
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Blueberry - I so agree with what you watched there is way to much focus put on the pregnancy and not much at all put on what happens in the coming 6 weeks and beyond.
I love Ikea there is a rumour that it is meant to be coming to Westgate in Auckland when it is built fingers crossed.... Ally_cat - how are you going? Not sure if any of you saw this or not seems dangerous and interesting it was in another forum a 5 min brownie!! http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39377&PN=1&TPN=1 - LINK ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 18 May 2012 at 10:53pm
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Aroha11 luckily i don't have any bakin ingredients in the house since our move.
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 20 May 2012 at 5:10pm
| Hey it was ok. I felt Ctap on wed afternoon. As Df worked late but spent thurs n Fri with my sil. As the boys worked real late n Fri my parent in laws came over n we went to stratford for Df nieces 5th birthday. But now I'm back I'm dreading the week as Df has a busy week n will have lots of late nights. Thanks for all ur support I don't know what I'd do without it!! |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 20 May 2012 at 8:54pm
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take care and let us know how you are going... I think you should try the brownie one night as a treat! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 21 May 2012 at 2:33pm
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Could you're inlaws visit more? Good to hear you're having some good days too and hopefully you'll get a few less hard ones.
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 22 May 2012 at 8:53am
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prob not. they are farmers so pretty busy. my mil comes once every 2 months or so.
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 23 May 2012 at 8:56am
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Ally_cat Cold morning this morning hope you are keeping warm and having an ok week ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 23 May 2012 at 4:19pm
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thanks. im def goin to try that brownie!!
im having an ok week df has been quite moody and real quiet. which has been hard. i am really making an effort to be happy around him but he still seems peeved off at me |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 25 May 2012 at 7:46pm
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Ally_cat - the week is over YAY!! Hey DF might not be peeved at you he might be just being a guy! Hope you have a lovely weekend ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 26 May 2012 at 2:51pm
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Df is working today aswell.
they work 6days a week. hes dont 65hours this week. i absolutley hate it. well the money will be good but it sucks being home alone so much. DS has been grizzly as today and only had 2 30min sleeps. its making me feel sh*t. hes cried for about the last hour i dont know whats up i think hes just tired. i really wish i had my family for some support when Ds is like this. its so hard being home slone with a grizzly baby. |
Posted By: Caro07
Date Posted: 26 May 2012 at 3:10pm
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Hopefully your DF is home soon. Can you get out for a walk with your son, migh calm him down (he might sleep a bit too) and I find the fresh air is always good if I need a boost. I've been known to walk in the rain for some sanity and grizzle free time! Hang in there ------------- Caroline, SAHM to 2 boys, S (4 years old) and J (2 years old)
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 26 May 2012 at 4:34pm
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nah i had to leave my stroller at my sis in laws house last night as we had to take their car home as i forgot the car seat. n their car was full n didnt want to unpack it so i been stuck at home all day.
hes ok atm seems happy enough playing with his toys. im goin to try him for another sleep soon or he wont last till dinner time. he only been up for about 2hours so prob wont want to go down. i really wish i had abit of support here as i feel bad goin to my sils i been there 3times this week already. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 28 May 2012 at 9:45am
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Ally_cat - have you talked to your SIL about how you are feeling?? Also have you contacted Plunket? Hope things are ok for you today, I to second walking and walking in the rain you get to zone out for a while which is great. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 28 May 2012 at 11:44am
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yup i have talked to her. she said she knows how i feel cause its how she felt when they moved here. they have been here for 3years now and although she doesnt really have many friends here she has come to terms that they are here for now anyway and have to deal with it.
she said id come to terms with it 2. i think i prob will but i dont want to be here forever. and she said they are planning moving bakc to their hometown in a couple of years once the business is set up and they have found some1 to run it. which sounds like it will be DF but i dont want to stay here if we are going to have no family here what so ever. it might be ok while they are here but once they have left i def wont want to stay. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 28 May 2012 at 2:47pm
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Well it is good that your SIL knows how you are feeling and has been there as well so I am sure she doesn't mind you visiting at all. Take care and keep trying to meet new people you never know there might be some really nice mums out there... ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 29 May 2012 at 8:39pm
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Have you got a dr there? Because it does sound like it might be some depression, and getting some help could help you get through this rough patch (I say this as someone who has been through it).
Also I find it so hard to form relationships at playgroups, they just are so casual! So you are not alone there, by any stretch. Playcentre might be a good option for you, because they promote more of a community focus and lots of people talk about meeting life-long friends there. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 30 May 2012 at 9:49am
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JadeC - yes I have heard the same thing about Playcentre, people that go are hooked and love the friendships they make.
Ally_cat - how are you going? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 30 May 2012 at 1:51pm
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Ohh I might have to try play centre.
I'm ok. I'm at my in laws this week till the weekend. Which is nice but I think Df might be a bit peeved that we came but he said it was ok. Cause he seemed to be in a bit of a grumpy mood before Ds n u left n he didn't say he loves me before we left. Prob sounds abit silly but I think he might be bit lonely aswell. |
Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 30 May 2012 at 1:55pm
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I'm sure he's lonely too, but guys often feel like they can't show those things. And maybe he feels like he has to put on a brave front because you moved for his job, and he worries that if he tells you it will make you want to move more. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 31 May 2012 at 3:18pm
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Ally_cat - as Jade said I am sure he is lonely to and maybe a bit staunch?? to let on or doesn't want to admit things are harder when family isn't around, partly cos it would be 'scary' to admit that but also he doesn't want to increase your worry/stress if you know what i mean.
Anyway I just got back from a SPACE session at Waimauku Playcentre and it was great, such lovely people - kind of helped that one of the ladies there I use to work with (didn't know that she was going to be there) but was lovely so Ally_cat if you are keen I would recommend checking our your local one or at least some in your area - also found out that each centre is different (a little bit anyway) so one might not work for you but another one might. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 01 June 2012 at 7:23pm
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Ally_cat - how was your week? Do you get a long weekend? or is DF working?? Hope all is going well ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 02 June 2012 at 1:03pm
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Yes I think he is too staunch to say anything.
I'm at my parent in laws so its alg. Df is working today but should be coming down this afternoon. I hope he wants to make some friends cause it would be nice to have ppl to hang out with. It would be cool if he wanted to move back too lol. |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 06 June 2012 at 11:42am
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Just a quick hi
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 07 June 2012 at 10:29am
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Ally_cat - how are you?? We are off to Playcentre again today looking forward to it. Hope all is ok. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 08 June 2012 at 8:25am
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im ok. back from my parent in laws. i thought when i got bakc i might feel abit better about being here but nope..
and DF said while i was away his brother was looking into sending a crew of guys down to chch to set up down there for when the building boom hits i asked sil about it and she sounded like it wouldnt happen. DF said bil is researching into it but it sounds like its gone no further n i feel like ive gotten my hopes up n nothings happened. im def going to go to playcentre but have had a few appts n stuff this week so havent made it there yet. |
Posted By: kernowexile
Date Posted: 08 June 2012 at 11:17am
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Hey ally_cat, pleased to hear you are okay. Sounds a bit like you are up in the air about staying/going. Not easy.
I've got my mum here this week and next. It's nice, but weird. The help/support is amazing, and it is almost like the UK isn't too far away. But then I look at the cost of flights for later on in the year and go 'ugh' and the UK/Europe seems super far away again. 
Playcentre sounds like a really good plan. It is on my to-do list for after the baby is born ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 09 June 2012 at 12:14pm
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kernowexile - I would recommend going to SPACE part of playcentre seems like a great course (I have only gone to two classes/sessions) you get to know a group of mums at the same point as you.
Ally_cat - hate it when you get your hopes up for no reason at all. Hope you are having a good weekend what have you got planned for next week? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 09 June 2012 at 2:15pm
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i have mainly music on monday and tuesday (at 2 diff churches) and tues i have my midwife appt. on wed i have a plunket appt thurs im not sure yet. fri i have been goin to a coffee group at the church.
DF has now said the plan is his brother n sis in law are lloking at moving houses and are goin to look for one that can also accomadate us aswell. i dont know how serious this is but i think it would be good if we could live in aflat on their property or something as then we could help each other out alot. he said his brother is still looking into sending a crew down to chch but they have been so busy lately he hasnt gotten any further with the research. i think either of these options would be ok if they do actually happen lol |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 09 June 2012 at 7:40pm
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Ally_cat - sounds like you have a busy week ahead, enjoy it! And good luck with either of the options, I know which one you would prefer, but either of them sound great. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 10 June 2012 at 2:41pm
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well today is crap! i woke up feeling crap and DF asked what was wrong so i told him.. last time i say anything cause now im even more upset and hes getting drunk mowing the lawn.
i just said to him that i was still finding it really hard and feeling lonely. and that it sucks not doing anything on the weekends or seeing anyone. and not having anyone to hangout with during the week while hes at work. (in chch we would have friends over or go to their house n hang out) and he got mad saying he doesnt see what the problem is at all. that i always look at the negative which i dont but thats what he thinks. he said it take 2-3years to make friends when u move to a new place and he doesnt want to do anything on the weekends cause hes happy just staying at home. and he doesnt care about having no friends except his brother cause ppl piss him off and he cant be bothered with them and if i want to have friends n do stuff on the weekend to go out n get my liscense them i can do what i want while he stays home. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 10 June 2012 at 8:29pm
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Ally_cat - that's not all that cool sorry for such a downer weekend, but if he is saying for you to go out and do something for yourself in the weekend then maybe you should?? Might meet someone - I know it is hard.
I can't remember (and don't have time to flick back through) but are you pregnant? saw this in another forum and thought it might interest you http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=42182&PN=1 - LINK Hope you week picks up ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 11 June 2012 at 6:48am
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yea but i dont know whats on on the weekends to do with a baby. i have been going to church on sundays which is good.
yes i am pregnant. thanks ill take a look. |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 11 June 2012 at 6:49am
| oh yea i saw that but they arent looking in hamilton. otherwise i would! |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 11 June 2012 at 8:18am
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Maybe talk to some of the people at church, there might be something you can get involved in through the church?? Although I am sure you have already done that. Even going for a walk by yourself would be nice leave baby with DF? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 11 June 2012 at 2:01pm
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yea i am going to ask but not really sure who to talk to.
DF works mon to sat so theres not really much time to go for walks or anything by myself. and when he does have time off im try to spend that time with him. i just spoke to my dad n he thinksDF is being really slefish not wanting to make friends or do anything with other ppl. he said i need to give hamilton abit more of a go and it will get easier but if im still feeling like this in a few months that moving bakc is an option but not one he would encourage cause he doesnt think being a solo mum is easy. and i dont want to be but DF is being selfish and unsupportive and he drinks alot! i def dont wana break up with him though i love him and want to be with him. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 12 June 2012 at 9:29am
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Ally_cat - Moving back to Chch is always an option but I guess it depends on what will make you happier - being with DF or with your Family?? A very hard decision to make and one that I think you need to take a bit of time over, if that is what you are thinking of doing. I agree with your Dad and give it another go, try a whole heap of things, talk to people at your church I am sure they will offer you great support. Take care of yourself. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 12 June 2012 at 3:12pm
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Yea I know I need to give it more of a go. But I don't c myself staying long term. I def want to be with Df I just don't want to be here.
Yea I think I will c if there's some1 I can talk to. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 12 June 2012 at 5:40pm
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Hope you find someone you can talk to through church or something else, you need some support even if it is to get you through the short term. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 13 June 2012 at 7:59am
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i talked to my midwife yesterday. and she said to keep myself busy which i try to do and said to take 0mega 3 fish oils and camomile tea to help lift my mood.
and to go to the doc if it doesnt help. my sister in law also gave me a christian book called "created to be his help meet" which i can kind of apprehensive to read as its all about submitting to your husbands will and u will be happier. i am christian and i do believe that DF is the head of the house hold but from what my sis in law said about it (and she was the same as me) im kind of relunctant to do that lol. she said she found it really hard aswell. im not some kind of religious nut but i am willing to give mostly anything ago to be happy lol. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 13 June 2012 at 9:19am
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Ally_cat - i am not religious myself but have some friends who are and I know that if there was someone who was not coping in their church they would want to know so they could help out. Give the book a read you don't have to follow it, but it might give you some ideas. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 13 June 2012 at 12:37pm
| yea i went to the bible study today and it was nice there was a mix of ladies but yes i def will c if theres someone i can talk to. :) |
Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 13 June 2012 at 2:08pm
| Definitely listen to your dad his suggestion to give it time sounds good. I've not read the book and its advice but my rule of thumb for relationships for me personally is more if it were my daughter in the same situation would I be happy with the situation for her and like wise if I had a son would I be proud of the way he treats his partner or wife and cares for his children. Hope going to Church lifts your spirits. |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 15 June 2012 at 7:20am
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thanks. my parents are being really supportive of us being up here. but they are worried about me i guess cause i am finding it hard.
they arent telling me to break up with DF and move back but that if i am really unhappy that the option to move back is there. i think i just have to try and accept that we are up here atm cause i dont think anything is going to change for a while anyway and i def dont want to be a solo mum. |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 15 June 2012 at 10:08am
Well it is Friday - and out little boy has a cold  BUT i just cooked up a batch of apples and the house now smells like apple pie well apple sauce anyway yum.
Ally_cat hope the weekend brings you some relief and you find someone at church to talk to, are you still going to check out playcentre?? the other thing I am wanting to get along to is Mainly Music is there one near you? The timings of the one here are a bit off at the mo with PT's sleep but soon I will be there (maybe with earplugs). Take care ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: blueberry
Date Posted: 15 June 2012 at 12:16pm
| Happy weekend :) We've been busy here as DH's parents have been here for a week and a bit and it's been lovely to have people around the house. DD loves them being here and I'm enjoying it while they're here but get a wee bit teary thinking about them leaving on Sunday. |
Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 15 June 2012 at 12:40pm
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oh no it sucks when they get sick! makes it hard!
yes i got to mainly music on mondays down the rd and mainly music just north of hamilton that my sister in law goes to so i go with her to that. on wed i just started going to a bible study group which is a mix of ages of women and on thurs i go to the pools with another girl who just moved from chch but she due with her 3rd in the next couple of weeks and on fris i go to a coffee group the church runs. im ok in the mornings it s just in the afternoons that seem to drag. but theres nothing on in the afternoons i can take bubs to. i have been going for walks and stuff but i find i am often thinking about ways i can get back to chch. i really hope this house thing works out real soon or that DF brother will want to send some guys to chch to work. i am feeling quite trapped and like i dont know whats happening. ahhh im goin in cirlcles lol |
Posted By: Aroha11
Date Posted: 15 June 2012 at 2:53pm
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Ally_cat sounds like you are doing everything you can during the day - good on you for trying so hard. I get afternoons are hard, I find them hard for some reason the day seems to fly by until about 3.30 then it grinds to a holt!! I think sometimes it is when I am running low on energy and ideas to keep my boy amused.
I so get that when you are walking you are thinking about how to get back to Chch, I love the quiet time a walk gives me to drift off into a dream. Hope you feel less trapped in the weeks to come and one of the two options works out for you guys. Sometimes it is even just a 5 minute chat to someone that keeps me going for the arvo. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Allysbelly
Date Posted: 15 June 2012 at 9:12pm
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yea i think from about 12ish when i get home from out morning activity until about 5 really drags then im getting dinner and DS ready for bed. so its not so bad
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