Has anyone else ever experienced this? Or felt the urge to engage in a bit of competitive mothering yourself?

I'm reluctant to talk about it, but things have come to a head today, and knowing how opinionated you ladies all are, I figured, what the heck. Lay it out there. See what you think.

My SIL, who is a few years younger than me and is married to DH's brother, had a baby (my nephew) a month before Emma Rose was born. Meaning, we were pregnant at (mostly) the same time, and now our babies are similar ages. Unfortunately, SIL and I don't have a close relationship. Also unfortunately, SIL's head is sometimes as thick as a boulder, so even my asking her point-blank to stop comparing our children doesn't get through to her. She's also a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to child-rearing, and doesn't hesitate to give me her opinion on every single thing I do as a parent.

The latest example of this was today, when she rang to give me a piece of her mind because I left Emma Rose with my MIL yesterday, because I was in a wedding. Emma has a cold, and she was snotty when DH took her to MIL's house, but apparently she got worse in the evening. SIL had come over with her baby, and made a big deal out of moving my nephew away from Emma when they were playing, getting out the anti-bacterial wipes to sponge down all the toys Em had touched, and refusing to put her baby in the high chair after Em had been in it, until every surface had been disinfected.

MIL apparently told her numerous times that she could leave if she wanted to, but SIL stayed put and spent the entire time slamming me for leaving my sick child with someone else, and thereby possibly infecting her child. EXCUSE me, SIL. I didn't invite you over. But that doesn't matter, apparently. I'm a bad parent for choosing to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding when my baby was sick.

By the way, DH took Emma to the doc yesterday morning, and the doc said she has a cold, but it isn't severe. We asked MIL if she minded looking after a sick baby, and she said no problem. So we were prepared for DH to stay home with Em, had she been deathly ill. According to MIL, Em spent the whole time playing and had a great time, although she was a snotmonster.

So back to SIL. Besides the usual attack on my parenting skills, she also asked "innocently", "Where does Emma get all these colds? Does she go to a playgroup or something? She's ALWAYS sick." (Emma has had ONE cold before this, and one ear infection.) She also ranted about how my MIL should have called her to tell her that Em had a cold before they went over, because she never would have taken her son and exposed him to my child's germs. This, too, is apparently my fault, for not telling MIL to call her.

I want to go ON and ON about her, because I have a LOT stored up, but this is long enough. What I'm wondering is, when is enough, enough? At what point do I stop playing nice and start telling her to mind her own freaking business? Do I say anything at all, knowing it's like talking to a brick wall anyway?

AARRGGHH! Thanks for the rant, ladies. I suppose there is no help for me! But at least I got it out of my system!

Hey Miss, I was afraid you'd say that. I know it's the obvious solution. I know it is! But here's the thing: SIL is totally freaking oblivious. Completely. If I told her what I really think, or tried just laying it out there for her, she'd be telling the world that I am highly strung, take things too personally, overreact to some friendly advice, etc. So my main method of dealing with SIL is avoidance.

Actually, I'm not the only one. The whole family -- extended family included -- avoids SIL like the plague. She's so disliked, that this Easter, when the extended family rents a bach in Taupo for the week, the aunties who organise the house renting have hidden it from SIL and BIL because they don't want them to come along. They actually lie to her face when she asks what the Easter plans are. God knows what will happen when she finds out we all went down there without her.

The reason everyone avoids her, and avoids confrontation with her? BIL. BIL is, God bless him, not the sharpest of tacks, the brightest of bulbs, the smartest of men. He is basically SIL's doormat. She orders him around, she verbally abuses him, she censors his time with his mates. I'd call it abuse. BIL defends her like the most deluded of knights. So we're all afraid that if we tell her what she really, really, really needs to hear, she'll take out her anger on BIL.

Thanks, jax! I wonder if the person you're acquainted with IS my SIL? LOL, how awful that would be, as I would never wish her on anyone!

BTW, I don't think I got to meet you at the Meet and Greet today -- I was talking to someone and suddenly there were all these new mums there! I hope we can chat next time, so I can put a name to a face! :)

Families do suck, but somehow, inlaws always suck more. At least in my case.

SIL can kiss my arse, I've decided. I'm going to have to get some courage and be honest with her, even though it scares the living hell out of me. I'll wait until the next time she tries to stick her nose into my business, and I'll ask her what her problem is. No doubt she'll sputter and backtrack and mumble and start spouting off some revisionist version of the truth -- she is a great one for warping and twisting what she said, and what others said -- but she needs to be put in her place. Or at the very least, I need to stand up for myself and stop letting her walk all over me like she does to BIL.

You have all given me such great perspective and advice on this issue, which extends to the broader SIL problems I routinely face, and for that I am so very grateful. You all rock my world!

I think I am quite lucky in the fact that me and DH are the only ones that have children and it'll be that way for a few more years I think (even thou DH is the youngest) so I don't have the family to tell me how to do things. I do have a FIL that thinks that HE knows how to raise Andrew even thou he did none of the raising of his 4 children. He trys to tell me how to do things and I hit the personal spot and say "yes and YOU did a wonderful job of parenting YOUR 4 children (NOT)". It shuts him up fast (I don't think he was all too pleased that his youngest child married a very strong willed and headed woman ). Even today he was trying to make Andrew eat his sandwich and I sat there in so much pain (horrible baby inside) telling him that children that are forced to eat develop eating disorders (I know I was probably talking out of my ar$e, but what does he know), and I would really like it if you didn't give Andrew one. Good think for me is the MIL will always back me up on the eating thing as she never made her children eat if they weren't hungry.

I know by now I would have given your SIL an ear full and told her where to go and to get over her little hang ups she has. I had a friend that would do the comparing thing all the time and it drove us apart as I never wanted to be around her. Andrew got sick it was my fault, but if her little girl got a chest infection (as she did quite often as a baby) it had nothing to do with the fact that both the parents smoked inside the house and no ventilation and she was made to be in the room with the smoke (as a baby she couldn't move) and therefore not her fault. She would compare development with Andrew (Andrew is 3 months older) and anything Andrew was doing milestone wise her girl had to be doing it as well at the same time as Andrew. The best was Andrew crawling at 5 months and her 2 month old was as well YEAH RIGHT.

I wish you all the luck when you do tell her what a pain she is.

I'm with the Go Feral idea!  Winner.

On a tangent, my mum compares Ella  soooo much to her great-neice who is 6 weeks older than Ella.  Now my cousin and his wife (mum's great-neice's parents) never compare our babies, I can't imagine either of them doing so.  Hubby got sick of only ever hearing about mum's great-neice whenever she came over to see Ella, and if he thought she was comparing them, it must've been bad!  She also showed a ton more excitement over her great-neice's birth than over Ella's, and in fact was heaps happier for their pregnancy than for mine!  And this is strange, when my cousin's baby arrived, she got so excited at work that everyone knew about it the moment it'd happened.  She told them "It's OK - I'm allowed to react... I'm getting it out of my system now for when my granddaughter arrives", and then tells ME this!  WTF?!??