Should I have to put up with this?
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=6812
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Topic: Should I have to put up with this?
Posted By: mamanee
Subject: Should I have to put up with this?
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 6:17pm
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DP has had a bad day at work. I have the whole house spotlessly clean. I open the door with a smile. He looks at me like I'm a piece of trash on the side of the road, walks straight past without speaking to me, puts his dirty clothes all over the floor and bed, gets in the shower, leaves wet patches everywhere, gets dressed, puts his shoes on and walks straight out the door and down the road without even telling me where he's going or what he's doing. He knows I will be cooking dinner soon.
I am so angry and upset. I want to punch him. I know deep down that this is not the way to treat someone, but I am eight months pregnant with no income. Silly reason to stay with someone, I know, and I do really love him, he is just so moody, like the whole world is against him and his problems are worse than anyone elses on earth.  
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Replies:
Posted By: Katherine
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 6:40pm
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Awwwwww, you poor thing. I have a moody DH so I understand how you feel. Three weeks after Emma Rose was born, he had a mini breakdown, locked himself in his den and didn't come out for two days. By the time he opened the door, I was ready to KICK his ARSENAL from here to next week. Apparently the sleep deprivation was getting to him and he just needed to "sleep it off". (When did I get to "sleep it off"? Not til Em started sleeping through the night!!!) My best friend's DH is similar -- they have a 5-month-old, and from the beginning, he has acted like it's just TOO MUCH TROUBLE for him to help with the baby, especially in the middle of the night. He is hearing impaired, and the thing that bothers my friend the most is that in the night, he'll take his hearing aids out so he can't hear the baby crying -- meaning, she has to get up every single time, or risk peeving him off when she elbows him awake. And boy, does he get upset if she wakes him up! On the other hand, both our DHs have had times where they are absolutely WONDERFUL. Helpful, adoring, willing to rub our feet and take the babies from us for hours. So no, you don't deserve to be treated like he's treating you. He's being a jerk. With my DH and my friend's DH, it comes down to feeling like they have too much responsibility in being the primary wage-earner, and thinking it entitles them to act like jerks sometimes, especially when they're under pressure or they have a bad day (because we're sitting home all day "playing", of course). Hang in there! Hopefully he'll come back from his little hiatus and be in a better mood -- if not, just ignore him. (Like ignoring a kid having a tantrum...)
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 6:52pm
| SOunds JUST like a kid with a tantrum and sometimes men are just that...kids! I guess it is training for all the times as mums we will not be appreciated by our litttle ones. hopefully the good outweigh the bad. hang in there. |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 6:53pm
Oh my gosh Katherine,..I am married to your husbands clone! 
That is so not on. Unfortunatly I dont think there is a way to truely make our partners know what its like to be a pregnant women,..and all the emotions etc that u feel. *Hugs* I hope he's nicer when he gets home. ETA: An example of above clone statement,..as I sit on here, DH is happily cooking us dinner,..and in contrast,..on Sat he was putting together Isla's new cot, and got so frustrated and p***ed off that it wasnt working,.that he stormed of to the tab for the afternoon! Lol! |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 7:10pm
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Thanks everyone. Sometimes I feel like he is a child or a moody teenager.
Hope he is nicer when he gets home. If he comes home. It's been an hour now. |
Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 7:15pm
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In answer to your question, hell no, you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behaviour. What a jerk, he needs to grow the f*ck up.
I mean, sure, reality has maybe hit home for him that the baby will be around very soon, but there's no excuse for being that much of an asshole. You are the mother of his child and deserve some respect. Put dog food in his dinner. It'll make you feel better at least 
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Posted By: Katherine
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 7:32pm
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LOL Kellz, about the cot: When my DH was trying to put Emma Rose's cot together, he got so frustrated, he came to me in a huff and said he was going to throw it off the back deck and start a bonfire with it in the backyard. So I went into the nursery and figured it out myself. Boy, was he annoyed I could do it and he couldn't!!! LOL Eomachine, hang in there. It sounds like your DP and some of our DHs need to go to Husband Boot Camp. (My best friend and I often have fantasies about what courses they would have to take at Husband Boot Camp! Sympathy 101, Back-rubbing for Dummies, Listening Without Trying to Fix The Problem, and more...) |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 7:32pm
 Renee! I hope he comes home full of apologies or at least a decent explanation.
IMO he's acting like a dick. It wouldn't make his day any harder to stop for a second and tell you that he's had a crap day and just needs some time out to cool off. Take care of yourself and chick, hope he's home soon! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 7:39pm
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No sorry that behaviour is not acceptable, tough if he's had a bad day at work, that's not your fault. I put up with that kind of behaviour for four years with my ex, and it drove me nuts, I would be at home worrying myself stupid when it wasn't even anything to do with me in the first place, this comes from him not you, you've done nothing wrong.
So have your dinner, and try to relax. If he's not home by your bedtime, lock the doors and put his pillows on the couch that should be a big enough hint! ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 7:50pm
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Lmao ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
pepsi wrote:
Posted By: Lissy
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 8:01pm
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That is totally not on, but I am not sticking up for him, he is probably a bit worried as well, especially with one income, but you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. My husband and I had a biiiiggggg barney before Harlan was born. I know this was down to finances and he was a bit scared as to what sort of father he will be. He is a great father, and we don't have a lot of $$ but we are doing ok, and we are careful, as well as my parents being really great and helping us, which has made a big difference. Do you have a place to go if you need to? Men have not idea. I hope you will be ok. If you need to talk, just let us know, as we are all here for each other!!! By the way, where do you live? ------------- Harlan Drew DOB: 06.12.06 & Stepmum to Ethan & Christian, DOB: 25.02.99 |
Posted By: Bumble
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 9:22pm
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I'm pretty sure that eomachine lives in hamilton(?) Correct me if I am wrong.
Eomachine, he is a silly billy, probably really scared that he is going to be a dad really soon. And I am not making excuses for him. He still needs to treat you with the respect you deserve, afta all, you are carrying the bubs! Big ------------- formerly known as "Bee" Ethan ~ March 2003 Big 6 year old school boy! Micah ~ Aug 2008 ~ Smiley pants who loves telephones! |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 16 April 2007 at 9:31pm
Add in another baby and a 4 year old and you could soooo be describing Willie. And OK, so he doesn't wear a hearing aid, but he does turn the baby monitor off so he can't hear the kids. I remember one night lying in bed very pregnant with the gremlins listening to Maya calling out on the monitor and saying to Willie "can you go and see what she wants" and him saying "She's not calling Daddy, she's calling Mama". So the THREE of us (Me and the onboard gremlins) had to waddle around the house sorting Maya out.
But enough of me - I've learnt from experience to kick his butt from here to Sunday if he gets too far out of line. The short answer to your question is no, you absolutely don't have to put up with it. Willie used to do the exact same thing - come home in a sulk and then go out to the pub, altho he would stay gone for days and them come home and wonder why I was dirty with him. Not that I'm recommending it as a solution but what fixed things for us was me leaving him and spending 18 months as a single mum - he sure learnt his lesson. I hope your DH comes home in a better mood and that he brings chocolate and flowers with him, you deserve it! (hey, a girl can dream....) -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Anna
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 7:45am
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How did the rest of your night go eomachine? I hope it got better?!
I don't know the dymnamics of you relationship but this type of behaviour is something that would be unacceptable for me. I am a real "obsess-er" when it comes to situations like this, leaving me stewing like that would be a baaaddd idea. What could be so hard about saying "i've had a crap day and need some time out"? ------------- Anna http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 8:15am
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I've learnt (the hard way) that it's hard for men to just let us know what is on their minds. They sometimes need time to sort out what is going on for themselves before letting us in and in that way - men are very different to women. I don't think that it's acceptable that he just ignored you and didn't let you know where he was going or for how long but try to remember that it most likely wasn't about you - he just needs some time on his own to sort through his thoughts.
I would recommend that you don't try to talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel until he is back to his "normal" self - whatever that might be for your DP. Trying to get through to him when he is in an unresponsive and perhaps defensive mood won't get either of you anywhere and you will most likely end up being even more upset. Again - i've learnt the hard way 
Biggest hugs - must be the absolute worst time for your DP to have having a mini meltdown on you. Hope that things got better last night and your feeling better today. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Skyflame
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 8:31am
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Hey Renee, Sorry to hear that DP was being an absolute pain in the rear. That is completely unfair on you and cant be good for the BP either. Hopefully he has come home and apologised and that things are a bit better today.
Big Hugs.
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 9:32am
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it was not on that he did not tell u he was going or where etc...and i would have chucked his dinner to the dogs if that was happening here...DH dare never try that one!
They all get grumpy but sort some of it out before bubs comes cause Katherines post says a lot...my DH is also complaining about his lack of sleep etc...and today after having a go at him i come to puter and find a note that tells me he loves me even tho he gets grumpy...if you dont manage at least something like that today then you need to really sit down and have a one on one with him = SOON! Youre going to need help with bubs and him walking like that wont help. we are here to talk chick...HUGS |
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 10:08am
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Hugs Renee! Not nice. You totally don't deserve to be treated like that! We have been having a similar discussion on my EBB board about partners going a bit nuts. You can see how things are difficult for them in some ways.
- we carry bubs and form a connection for 9 months, they have to wait till bubs is here for it to be real - they know they have to earn the money to keep things going for however long we take off work - we have 9 months to practice responsibility (what we eat etc, it is thrust upon them at bubs birth - they can't do anything to make our pains etc feel better - they become helpless really - we get asked constnatly how we are, how bubs is, Dh/DP pretty much gets ignored other than to be asked how the woman/bubs is. And so on! That doesn't make how DP is acting acceptable - he needs to find other ways to channel his frustrations. Going off without telling you where he is is stupid, particularly as you are far enough along now for bubs to realistically make an appearance (early and surprising, but it happens!) I don't know how to solve it, as guys aren't the best talkers, but you do need to ell him why it upsets you, in as words as possible. Something like - I don't like it when you act like that because it makes me worried about how we will cope with the stresses of having a baby. You need to tell me where you are going and at least warn me and say you need some space to get get over a bad day so I know it isn't me and you just need time. Good luck, hope things got better. -------------  
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 10:30am
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How are things this morning? ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 10:38am
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First of all ...hell no, you dont deserve to be treated like this. Specially because you are pregnant, and even tho you are not working, you are keeping the house beautiful and dinner cooked. So you are doing your part even tho you are heavily pregnant.....Arrrgggg
Can I come over and punch him too?? I say this because my husband went thru some thing very similar while I was pregnant to. He treated me like that, he wouldnt talk to me, spend any time with me.......and like your DH would drive off for hours. AT NIGHT!! We were in the edge off splitting up. I was working up untill 1 week before I was due and I knew I will have no money after Bub was born but I wasnt going to let that stop me. I knew my parents were there and Govt could help a single mum. I made up my mind and told him that its over and since he was not there for me and bub he is not going to be a part of her life when she was here. So he can F Off. I told him to move out and stay out. With in a day he came back telling me that he feels depressed and doesnt know how to fix it (there were some issues at the back ground, I knew about them but he wouldnt le me help)....but he didnt wanna lose me or bub. So we tried councelling. And it worked out. We are still together ....even tho there are days were I feel like punching him. Talk to him, tell him that you dont need him....but you do love him. If its on going then try councelling!! You need to sort it before bub gets here!! You need a better half to help out...not a useless one!! Sorry about the novel! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 11:10am
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Thanks everyone for the advice and nice words. To cut a long story short, he came home about 2 hours after he left, had his dinner and went to bed. He mumbled something about him being the only person in his life who has no control over it and I left it at that.
He went off to work this morning, but was very nice about it, giving me a kiss and telling me to have a good day, so I think he realises he's done bad. Stupid MAN. |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 11:40am
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I am glad that all is well!!
Hang in there! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 3:31pm
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I hope he's over his drama when he comes home tonight!
Glad he was nice to you this morning though, its so blimmin frustrating when they won't talk eh?!?! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 4:02pm
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It really is frustrating! Sometimes I feel like butting my head against the wall, cause it's obvious that something is wrong with him but it takes him so long to answer a question I wonder whether he hasn't heard me, has forgotten the question or is still thinking about answering it.
Bloody Virgo men. Oh well, I have a snickers maximus.. 
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Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 4:08pm
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Sounds just like my hubby when there is something on his mind. Takes him a while but he comes around and I have learnt that I just need to give him a wide berth and he comes to me when he is ready to talk it out. I know its hard... it's taken me 8 years just to be able to tell myself that it isn't me and to actually believe it When we first started living together - the "episodes" would be more frequent and a lot more volatile cos I would just take it so personally but since I have learnt to handle myself better, we handle his silent times a lot better and they are very few and far between and it doesn't take him as long to talk to me about what is bothering him. He told me that it takes him a while to sort out his thoughts so that they make sense to him and he would prefer to do that than try to talk to me when things are all jumbled.
Hope that makes sense ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 4:14pm
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i hope tonight goes better...perhaps the two of you can talk tonight?
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 4:25pm
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Boys suck huh?
Hope he brings more choccy home. |
Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 17 April 2007 at 4:30pm
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OH NO ...HE is a Vergo. Man that is tough. My DH is a LEO and those creatures are difficult too....
Here is hoping that tonight goes better for yah! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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