not wanting family members at birth...
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7084
Printed Date: 24 August 2025 at 9:43am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: not wanting family members at birth...
Posted By: BaAsKa
Subject: not wanting family members at birth...
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:01pm
When i had Bay i stated very clearly that i didnt want anyone there apart from DH while i was in labour and it never turned out that way!!!! my SIL turned up who i must admit she did ask to come in and as my DH was in a bit of a state i thought it may be nice for her to be there with him but this is going to sound horrible!! - but my mum insisted on being in there against my request as she can get rather anoying at times!! at one point i threatened to shove her camera where it wasnt wanted if she did not stop aiming it at my nono area!!!
So anyway DH and i have agreed that we dont want anyone else in there again with Astin except for Bay but my mum got upset and is still pulling the guilt trip on us to let her in!!! She is going to be in Rarotonga for 2 weeks until the 9th july so as horrible as it sounds im kinda hoping that i have him while she is over there dont get me wrong - my mum and i are very close (we live with her right now!!!) BUT she is a big stress!!!. We also figured that if Bay gets upset all we need to do is ring my sister or the inlaws and they will come and get him for us.
Has anyone else come across this problem??? Do i sound very unreasonable for thinking this??? |
Replies:
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:08pm
| My Mum asked to be present too and I didnt really give her an answer. I want it to be just me and DF as I think it is special time for him. I would love Mum to be outside the door though. |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:12pm
|
Can you use your midwife as like a guard to the room? I've told my midwife that no one apart from DH and medical staff are to be in the room and she is happy to make sure this happens and the hospital staff can help keep others away if they happen to show up
But I don't think it's unreasonable at all!!!! |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:23pm
|
I've told everyone that I just want it to be myself and DP in the room when I have Sam, and my mum is totally respectful of that. I do want her close by though as I may change my mind at the last minute. DPs mother is not going to be told until after I have given birth as she is overbearing, dominant and stresses me out far too much. I didn't even let her know about my baby shower as she would have ruined it by saying something stupid or overstepping the mark with everything.
So yeah, I guess you just have to be firm about what you want. 
|
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:26pm
|
I dont really want to get MW to turn anyone away because i know its really only going to be my mum who will disobey and i feel as if i have offended her enough so would hate to hurt her feelings by turning her away in the heat of the moment as i live with her and knowing her sulky personality i know she will make things uncomfortable for a while if i turned her away BUT still i wish she would listen and not make me feel stink!!
I guess i felt unreasonable because everyone seems to want their mums there and i dont??? |
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:29pm
|
I definitely don't want my mum in the room! But I want her to be there soon after.
Don't feel guilty, you are only wanting what will make you the most comfortable in labour! |
Posted By: my2angels
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:32pm
|
Im the only one of my friends who had thier mum there, no one else I know would even consider it so no I dont think its weird. Not meaning this in a bad way but I find it more odd/different that you are planning on having Bailey there.
If you really dont want your mum there just put your foot down and tell her no, its your birth and she may try the guilt thing but you have nothing to feel guilty about so dont let her get to you. |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:33pm
|
When i had Bay my inlaws were great and respected our decision and turned up afterwards when DH rang them (actually they may have been waiting in the waiting room..i cant remember) but i got very angry with a nurse when i was being moved into my room and my FIL was so excited about seeing his first grandson and the damb nurse told him that i didnt want him in there because he was a man!!!! WTF i didnt say that at all!!! so when DH went to get him he came in a bit upset so we told the nurse to keep out of it!! then the same nurse growled FIL when he was standing outside the door with Bay (we had asked him to so i could swap beds and he was happy with that cos he had the baby with him ) she said that he should not be walking around with bubs!!!! GGGGGRRRRR that nurse pissed me off!!!! afterwards when im not so vulnerable im fine with visitors etc.
|
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:36pm
|
LOL my2angels - i thought it was a bit weird to have Bay there too!! but DH wants him there and is very adament so im going with it because DH is never really adament about anything unless he feels very strongly about it so im all good with it, just dont know how Bay will handle it...
|
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:53pm
I think it's totally weird that you don't want your mum, and dad, and MIL and FIL, and grandma as well at the birth 
Hehe joking!!
I didn't want anyone at any of my births except DH and me, and whichever meds need to be there. It's too stressful (for me) to have others around and my mum is far too opinionated to have her around when it comes to a big decision (like emergency c/s decision type thing). So having people there was an absolute NO for me, but I'm fortunate that no one tried to force their way on us. You're going to have to tell your mum upfront that you want only you and DH and Bailey there and you'll call her when you're ready for her to come up. If you're not living with her by the time baby is due, I wouldn't even tell her when you're in labour, just to be on the safe side. But this is something I'd be bringing up with my mw that if she does try to turn up, the mw already knows she is not invited and can help organise things for you. Stress during labour is not helpful! Can I make a comment about Bailey's presence at the birth? I was 3yrs11mos when my brother was born, mum had a home birth and I was there. Mum tried to be organised - my grandma was there to look after my younger sister and I, so Dad could be free to look after mum. Even so, I kept going between where Mum and Grandma were to keep up with what was happening. I remember a terrible moment where Mum thought she needed to go toilet, followed by the mw yelling "I can see the baby's head" and the subsequent rush back to the bedroom. It freaked me out and Mum said I was really pale. So I'd advise you be really organised. A support person solely for Bailey would help, as would things to keep him occupied. What would happen if something bad happened and you needed an emergency c/s or something? Hopefully that won't happen but a contingency plan would help you out on the day. If you need to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, are you going to wake him or get someone to look after him until the morning? And you'll need to explain soon before the event a rough idea of what's going to happen. It's not something I would personally do (especially after my experience and then having an emergency c/s for my 1st baby), but if you're going to, be prepared. Woah! Novel over -------------  |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 5:59pm
| If you werent having Bailey there your mum could have a job looking after him. Just an idea. |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 6:25pm
at my daughters birth my mum wanted to be there but i said no ( as we have never been very close) and i felt more comfortable with less people around, however almost everyone missed it including my midwife  it all happened so fast 3 of my friends almost saw the whole thing as they came back to retrieve a wallet they left in the room 30min earlier when we got back from lunch.
this time round i only want my partner as im alot more emotional this time around also. and my best friend whos a nurse at the local hospital has asked if she can be there if i have to have a c section as she would love to see it which would be a good thing as hubby isnt good with hospitals at the best of times. but my mum will be looking after my daughter , that way i know she cant just show up ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: BabyOnBoard
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 6:46pm
|
I don't want anyone there but DF and after the birth I don't want everyone swarming in I just want my mum and dad (but surpose DF's parents will need a visit too). Some of my friends asked if they could be there (All nursing students) and I said NO WAY!
Every ones comfortable with differant things and differant people. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
|
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 6:57pm
|
haha i have 3 friends localy who are nursing students also and have 2 friends and a physio friend who work at the hospital and another 4 friends who are nursing in different citys, just wait for the advise they all dish out
lol  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 7:17pm
| I'm not even pg yet, but I would probably have my mum there as DH is a bit scared when it comes to things like that. It turns out that if I get pg in the next 6 months, DH won't be there anyway, so my mum and my sis will probably be there with me. Doesn't help your situation at all though does it? Whoops...! |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 7:18pm
|
Ha, baby on board, i had the same thing. we had our maternity placements planned for the time i was due to have ayja and if we could find someone willing we could follow their pregnancy and be at the birth as part of that.. man i had so many of my classmates asking me if i would mind. lol, well hhhm YES I DO!!. lol I had ayja in the 1 weeks break between different groups going in for their placements. he he, i was sneaky.
with having family there, i think it's totally your right to say NO! baysmum. and i know you don't want to offend your mum but she sounds like she works in the same way my mum does in that she knows you will feel guilty and she puts the guilts on you and she's knows that you wouldn't turn her away in the heat of the moment. None of our family knew each time until we had actually had baby, especially not mum with our first as he has a habit of "turning up" at the hospital. she couldn't do that 2nd time cos she had to look after Paris, ha ha. I guess by living with her it would be hard to keep it from her. but still, sometimes, expecially at times like these. Mums need to realise it's soooo NOT all about them and what they want and what they need, and if she gets offended at you telling her NO, then she is not taking your best interests to heart. I learnt after going through hell and back after having Paris.. that guilt trips are no good.. i stopped responding to her childish tanty ways and she now knows that gets no-where with me. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
|
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 7:41pm
|
I agree with everyone else, it is totally your decision and your Mum should respect that. Maybe paint it to her in a way that you want the birth to be a "special bonding experience" for you and DP, that way she can't argue.
I considered having DSD (then 10) at Maya's birth but by the time she was due DSD and I weren't getting along well and I wouldn't even have her in teh house, let alone at the birth. I would have liked to have had Mum there but with Maya coming early and Mum being in Sydney it wasn't practical. With the gremlins right from before we even conceived I wanted it to be just Willie and I (and half the maternity staff of ACH )and that's how it was. My main motivation for not having Maya there is that I consider it an 'adult' process and IMHO she was/is too little to fully understand it. DSD on the other hand was old enough to get it, but we hd a major personality clash. Also with the gremlins there was more chance of things going pear shaped as I was classed as 'moderate risk' and I wouldn't have wanted Maya there if I had needed forceps or an emergency c-sect.
Funnily enough, Mum said she wouldn't want to be at the birth anyway, that it would be too weird. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
|
Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 8:05pm
|
as everyone has said it's totally your decision and I think you just have to be straight and firm with your mum about that.
I am an odd one out becuase I had my mother in law there and she totally rocked, I can't describe how grateful I was to have her with me and B all day. But she was also very respectful and I was the one who asked her, she very eargerly said yes but she hadn't been the one to broach it which I really appreciated. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 8:13pm
I think you are perfectly normal and well within your right to only have whoever you choose at the birth. I felt weird having my mum and although she came to the hospital, she stayed outside until the bub was well and truly born. My MIL come to the hospital too and stayed outside with mum. They only come in once before the birth while I was still 'presentable' and fully dressed but were outside until after it was all over. I only wanted DH with me and it worked out really well for us.  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 8:23pm
|
Amber you're not being at all unreasonable!! It's totally up to you who you want there. We learnt from Ella's birth that my parents won't be told the next one has arrived until after I'm in the ward and have had a chance to take a breath (they arrived in the delivery suite with my sis and bro - I was exhausted, suddenly a parent, wanted a moment with my husband and our baby, unshowered, still shaking and there was blood over me... they took photos and my sister played with the equipment! ------------- Andie |
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 8:50pm
|
We talked about this at antenatal last week. Only one couple is having more than their partner there, and it is possibly because they are a Maori couple that they are having quite a few whanau members. Everyone else is DH/DP only.
The teacher did say to use the mw to be the person to get people to leave if you don't want them present. It is part of their job. I also wanted to second waht someone said earlier about haveing Bay present. I really think you should think about having someone else there as bay's support person, after all he will be seeing mummy in pain and if soemthing does happen where things get a bit panicky, your DH will be torn between you and Bay. perhaps, if you can't get around mum coming, she could attend with the strict proviso that she is Bay's support person and cannot bring out a camera till bubs is in your arms! -------------  
|
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 29 April 2007 at 9:22pm
|
Um yes tell her where to go, I read briefly the other posts. Heres mine to add, when I had Andrew everyone knew I was in hopsital and knew I was being induced on the 22nd. We told everyone that we would call once the baby was here and if at reasonable time they could come up and see us, so long as nothing major had happened. Well the induction took longer than we all thought and so I rang my mum to let her know at about 5pm what wasn't happening. At 9pm I went into labour and at that time my dad rung (he hadn't spoken with my mum as he hadn't gotten home from work) and DH spoke to him on the phone and told him I was in labour now, that was fine my dad RANG. FIL sitting at home had had enough of waiting to hear so came down to the hospital to find out what was happening. He thought he could just walk up to the delivery suite and come on into my room (he works at the hospital so had access to the ward). I was so pi$$ed when a hospital MW walked into the room and said he wanted to come in. I yelled some not very nice words to him and DH went out and told him off for coming up and did he not know how to listen. Long story short I made sure with Josh's delivery that he was to be kept well away from maternity while I was in hospital (the hospital staff did a great job of that). Give her the job of looking after Bay that'll keep her out of the way. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 8:38am
| hehe Becks, my dad thought he was coming up to the hospital and going to the area where I would be all clean, baby sitting sedately, didn't realise he was asking to walk into the delivery room. He waled in and I'm pushing Jake out - he later said that he got quite the shock! he was also very concerned when I was taking so long to puish Jake out (2 hours) how he was breathing in there. I later said to him, how do you think he was breathing all the time I was pregnant??? |
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 9:14am
|
Thanks for posting all this advise ladies - I have been worried about how I am going to tell my mum that I dont want her in the room with us. We are very close and I think she is just presuming that she will be there, but I dont want her there, I jsut want it to be DH and me. (and obviosuly m/w etc!!) I feel much better now, knowing I am not the only one to feel like this!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 9:17am
|
when rhiannon was born...throughout the labour i had...Kent, my 2 best friends, my mother, midwife and student midwive...by the time they sent me for my csection my father and the partner of one of my friends had turned up.
next time around i am thinking i just want kent and the midwife in there (i am happy to have a student in there as well). but knowing me i will change my mind.. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 9:39am
|
Thanks ladies iv got a horid flu now so wasnt on the internet yesterday evening and come back on to find lots of posts!! thankyou for all your advice and stories, im glad to know that im not the only one who doesnt want every tom dick and harry in there!!! and im starting to rethink the whole Bailey being there thing....il have a chat to DH, we have the inlaws who will rush over to get Bay if something happens and i dont even mind if they are in the waiting room the whole time as i now know from experience that they respect me not wanting them in there but my mum would probably try to sneak in!
As i type this i keep on closing the screen down because she walks past the office and being the nosey person she is she will ask what im doing....i feel like a naughty school girl!!!!
We will still be living here when Astin is born because we want to buy after xmas so instead of renting until then wel just stay here plus we are going to aussie when Astin is a few months old and mum is comming with us so we can only get one person to look after her house littlelone another house
With all my moaning about her - she is great with Bay and another reason that we are staying here- so she can help with the boys , i guess thats why i feel so bad for not wanting her there. |
Posted By: megrac
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 12:43pm
|
i had my mum there with both my 2 girls i found her so helpful because i have always gone into labour at 5 in the evening so her and DH would take shifts rubbing my back and talking to me through the long night and some of the next day and DH had no idear on what to do. this baby mum and DH and my sister will be there my sister is comming because she really wants kids now but her DH wants to wait for another 4 years till he has finished his studdies and is raking in the money, so hopefully it will put her off for 4 years.LOL ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Spudling
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 1:36pm
|
I love my Mum dearly but couldn't think of anything worse than having her a our baby's birth. It was just DH, MW and me last time and thats what its going to be this time too.
Once baby is born, I have even asked MIL to just drop off my DD first and not come in herself so we can be a family for the first time without extras, only for a hour or so but to me its important. I think she has got her nose in a bit of a twist about that but I don't care. It is such a special time, I really hope you manage to keep the extras out without feeling guilty (nothing to feel guilty about) and without them giving you grief. ------------- http://tickers.families.com"> 
http://tickers.families.com"> 
|
Posted By: cat
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 2:02pm
|
DH and I talked about it and we have decided that it will just be me and the midwife and a student midwife. DH will be in the hospital but not in the delivery room during the delivery. We are both totally happy with this arrangement but I am fed up with hearing from friends that they think this is wrong and DH will regret it for the rest of his life. It is so frustrating that people seem to think that they know best for us and that we haven't thought this through.
It is no one else's business but your own and people (no matter who they are) should respect that. Phew, had to get that off my chest! -------------  
|
Posted By: Spudling
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 2:25pm
|
Cat, I totally respect you guys for your decision for your DH to not be with you. I think there is so much pressure on our partners to be with us and sometimes it is just not the best thing to do. I think it is harder to say no, I don't want to be there and not go than it is just to bow to the pressure and go along.
Tell everyone else to stick it, it's not their business PS, my DH was with me first time and will be there again but to be honest he was bloody useless (bless his cotton socks) ------------- http://tickers.families.com">
http://tickers.families.com">
|
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 2:41pm
|
My mum was my support person when I had Kiya, and actually ended up semi-delivering her. HOWEVER I was on my own (Kiya's bio father ran when he found out I was pregnant) and Mum was great. I had a water birth, and at the time Kiya came out, my midwife was helping me balance in a squatting position, so Mum caught Kiya and flipped her up onto my belly.
For the births of the boys, however, I had just Nathaniel and the various midwives. Mum was fine with this for Josiah's birth but gave me all sorts of grief when I was about to have Xavier and she couldn't be part of it ( she lives a 4hr drive away! When I had Josiah she was only 1.5hrs away)
Long story short, it's your decision. Go with what YOU and your DP will be comfortable with, not what everyone else wants! ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 3:00pm
| Cat - my sister and her fiance decided that he wouldnt be able to handle it when she had their son so my mum went in with sis and BIL stayed in the waiting room!! in fact he was soooooo stressed after my sis had to have a SC that when the baby was born he was put in an incubator for the trip in the elevator back to the room and BIL was in the elevator too by coincidence and didnt even realise that it was his baby even though we were cooing over him! LOL!! he was very shocked when we told him that it was his baby! lol |
Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 4:14pm
|
I only want my midwife and my husband and any other necessary medical staff there no mil no fil no parents no brothers uncles neighours wifes cousin..lol ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: miss
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 5:10pm
|
Cat, you will get tonns of people shocked about Dh not being in there with you, but as they pointed out the other night, not everyone is suited for attending a birth, but we 'make' our dh's and 'dps' be there because socciety dictates it at the moment. This is why doulas are becoming more common - and having a student mw will be like having a doula type person there to suport you. -------------
|
Posted By: sunnyhoney
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 5:34pm
|
I totally think it should be your decision who you have there and no way should you feel guilty about it.
Parents can be so childish sometimes. Maybe ask them how they would feel if it was them. We aren't going to tell anyone (hopefully) when I go into labour as we don't want any extras there either. My MIL, I know would be just the same, bowl on in camera in tow and probably a few of her homestay students - nightmares already!! So we're just not going to say anything and we'll call everyone when we are happy that everything is all over and they can see the baby. ------------- Mum to: Joy Emily 1.05am 27/09/07 7lb 3oz Austin Paul 12.47pm 18/04/10 10lb 8oz |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 30 April 2007 at 7:05pm
|
I'm pretty sure there's a lot of DH/DPs who can't handle blood... so he won't be alone! ------------- |
Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 03 May 2007 at 11:40pm
|
I think you have every right to want to have as stress free labour as possible and if that means family members will have to wait out the door so be it! lolz. When I had Kahtrell I had a lot of family in the room while I was labouring.....There was....my DP, MIL, DP's little sister (all eating KFC I mite add! That I couldn't have any of lolz) My mum, dad, little sister, little brother, my older sister, her daughter, her son, and another neice, as well as my midwife and the hospital midwives. Now they all weren't in there at the same time, MIL and daughter we're only there for a short while, but my family were there the majority of the time. I didn't mind one bit,I'm glad that they were there, Even through the evening, until they had to leave as they were staying about an hour away from Waikato hospital. My little sister stayed though and at midnight I went in for a c-section, only DP came into the theatre and my lil sis waited patiently for the arrival of her first full blooded nephew. So yup his birth was a real family affair.....even though only have the whanau could make it!. [/B[ ------------- 
|