Relationship with your mum post-baby
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7524
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Topic: Relationship with your mum post-baby
Posted By: busymum
Subject: Relationship with your mum post-baby
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 8:18pm
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It seems nearly everywhere I turn, someone comes out with a comment like, "since I had kids, me and Mum have been so close!" etc etc. But that hasn't happened for me - it's more like I look at the job she did, and think "WHY did she think THAT would help?!" Then I try not to think about things like that too much or I get too frustrated.
So what's "normal"? Closeness out of nowhere, or frustration at her old-fashioned (or just plain weird) ideas? -------------  |
Replies:
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 8:33pm
| we arent closer - but i do call on her lots for advice and opinions. i think of my mum as an excellent parenting resource. |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 8:44pm
Me and my mum and one reason I think is while I was growing up at home I was so much like her when she was a teenager (clashed with her mum and now they get on really well) and I think she didn't want me to turn out like she did and run away to a different country. Once I moved out it was difficult to see her (I lived in Palmy she still lived in Feilding and I didn't have my licence) so we were able to make a new relationship (a bit like starting over again). When we told her I was pregnant it was like I had a new mum she was so excited and all the things she had said about having a baby young had gone out the window. We disagree on things (sleeping on the back is one) but she has certainly giving me a lot of advice (the best was with Andrew after having Josh when I got out of the shower and Josh had been moved from the floor to the chair  , and my mum told me I dragged my sister around my the ears at that age) with having 2 children, and she is the only one that can get a burp out of Josh if he has worked himself up. The one thing I know i'm going to miss is the babysitting when she moves back over the ditch.------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 8:59pm
| my mum and I are much closer BUT we live far enough apart that it's great. when i was staying with her - not too well at times. |
Posted By: Bubbaloo
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 9:28pm
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Me and my mum a way closer now that I've had James we talk to each other everyday and like gandt said I find he an excellent parenting resource. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Was danni-chick Mum to James My Angel 28/07/08 |
Posted By: Peace
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 9:51pm
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Not any closer here.
My mum was sick and refused to get help looking after us kids. We also grew up away from family and were pretty isolated because my parents were foreign. My mum doesn't understand that it will be different for me and even went as far as to tell me when I was pregnant that I was going to be "all alone with no one" when Olivia was a newborn. I was pretty upset at her as that was a pretty horrible comment to make (when I was 38wks pregnant). She did *try* to do right by us even if she failed and if it is possible, I feel like I can maybe do a better job because of her faults. Not that I am full of myself or anything, I just believe that if I needed help I would ask others rather than stew in it and make myself sick. I also had someone say to me "Gosh being a parent really makes you appreciate your own Mum, right?" and I really felt like saying back "You never grew up having my mother!". Instead I just smiled and nodded. ------------- DD1 May 2006 DD2 March 2011 DD3 August 2012 |
Posted By: baalamb
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 9:51pm
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Mum and I were always close. I don't know that me having a baby has made us any closer really. I still think she doesn't think of me as a mum, but just as a daughter who gave her her first grandchild!!!
When Ashlee was newborn, I tended to rely on her a LOT when it came to advice, and it was good to know she was on the other end of the phone for the 'can you come around because Baby's not settling and DH and I can't take it anymore and have exhausted all options'-type phone calls  . Some of the advise she gave I didn't agree with and chose not to take on, other parts were like pure gold and worked like a charm. It's very interesting to note the differences in parenting guidelines through the years though (the whole sleeping on back/tummy/side thing for example). We can tend to disagree on things like that.
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Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 9:58pm
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Well she didnt know of the existence of my daughter until McKayla was 9 months old. So I suppose cant really comment on this. I am tolerating her but that is about it. Wont allow her with my girl alone at all ever. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 10:00pm
much closer here my mum is a great mum one you could always count on and loves all her kids to death she was there for me when james as a newborn screamed for 8 weeks and for his herina opp at 8 weeks and though all his trips to the doc and still keeps going we are going thur a rough pacth right now but i know we will make it thur  ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 14 May 2007 at 10:14pm
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ummm well we live as an extended family so mum lives with us / vice versa....so at night she has grannie cuddles with Gabriella and will often bathe her etc...and in early weeks i would go downstairs and cry that i needed help and ella wasnt settled or that i was plain exhausted....and she was there
closer? not sure that is the word...and i do think she would pick Gabriella over me in a heartbeat to be honest....can u say spoilt like no other!!! that is ella by her grannie.... |
Posted By: Sarah Beth
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 7:32am
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I can't stand my mum at the moment! Basically it is like we dh and I no longer exist and it is all about jack. She came round the other weekend and didn't talk to us at all just sat there waiting for Jack to wake up. That coupled with comments like "so do you have PND yet" don't help things. ------------- "> 
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 7:46am
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Yes, we have grown closer. Mostly because I moved out when I was pregnant - and I was a teenager (19) - it's part of your role as a teenager to not get on with your mum
So as I've grown older, I've come to appreciate what my mum did for me. I've called her in the middle of the night several times to ask her what to do.. she doesn't mind. She did what she thought best, and while I might not always agree with her, she's the best mum I could have.  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 8:06am
| i'm actually getting closer with my dad! He has never been a man of emotion. whenever I ring up I would get Mum and if it was Dad he'd say "I'll get your mother" but now I get texts from him and phone calls asking how Peanut is going.......very strange....but very nice |
Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 8:21am
Yes I'm definitely closer to my mum now, and I definitely appreciate how much help she has given us since Alyssa was born. We used to fight like cats and dogs when I was teenager and we laugh about it now. Since we have spent so much time together we have had all sorts of conversations including a strange one where we talked about ex-boyfriends penis size! 
Sure, she still annoys me with comments about how she did things when my brothers and I were babies, and sometimes she isn't listening when I talk because she's distracted by everything Alyssa does! But yeah, I'm just glad Alyssa can grow up with a Nanna nearby unlike myself who had both overseas. |
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 8:40am
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I'm definitely closer to my mum now, but it's probably a combination of things. I left the UK back in '99 and they arrived here (to live) last April, so it was great to finally have my Mum around. She was also one of my birthing partners and I can honestly say I don't think I would have coped as well without her there, keeping me calm etc.
She also looks after Caitlin and I wouldn't trust anyone else in the world with that special job! I certainly appreciate our relationship a lot more now, she's very much like a role model for me and I appreciate her more as a woman, a mother and now as the best Nan-Nan ever  
(and yes I have told her this - that's what I wrote in her Mothers Day card) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
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Posted By: baalamb
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 8:48am
OMG this is so my mum! I will drop Ashlee off to her and start giving her the routine run down and she goes 'oh can you write it down because I'm not listening' and then she goes back to talking to Ashlee hahaha! We've joked that we need to have a laminated card of Ashlee's routine to keep in her nappy bag but I don't think that's such a silly idea! |
pepsi wrote:Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 8:57am
Same here - with my mum and the in-laws! Drives me insane when we see them; I might as well be invisible because as soon as their 'grandchild homing beacon' switches on there is nothing else that matters! I often don't even get a 'hello', let alone any sort of conversation. Yeesh! Back to the original post...I am closer to my mum, but we still have arguements and issues. Just a normal relationship for us, but I do feel like I understand her a bit better now and appreciate her a lot more. |
Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 10:02am
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I don't think that we are closer but we spend more time together. I guess because she is the same like many of you and wants to see her new grandson as much as she can. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: 11111
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 10:18am
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OK well Tresea you know a little of my history so I won't really go into it all now, But having a baby to start with made me further apart from my Mum then ever mainly cause I now relise what a crap job she did ( iknow she did the best she knew how still pretty crap tho). I talk to my Mum, nearlly everyday that is more out of I feel resposible for her. I have now got a pretty good relationship with her how ever tht is because she is on her best behviour with me cause she know's I won't stand for her crap around my babies. Also we have a role reversal going on now I adult she child. Now as for my other Mother who I met when Alan was about 6 month's old. I am closer to her then ever scince having Mikey I think htat has alot to do with the fact she was at the birth and all. I am very lucky I have a good friend that gave birth to me and a Mother that take's care of me like a Mummy should. ------------- Deborah Mum to:   
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 11:28am
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I don't feel any closer to my mum. I talk to her and tolerate her opinions. I know she means well but she just does not get it across in the best manor.
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 11:52am
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I'm not sure I'm closer to her, but I need her more now... or maybe not... ah I don't know.
I ask her advice for things and still seek her approval for others but appreciate space as far as making parental decisions and I couldn't handle it if she interfered in any way... but I trust her not to. I do have a tiny hang up that I'm not yet entirely over... I feel in the early days I didn't assert myself enough, most of the things were great but I feel I started Hannah on solids a bit too early as Mum told me she was hungry. Didn't harm Han or anything, I just wish I'd been able to make the decision myself. But overall, better relationship - maybe wouldn't be so fab if I had to see her all the time tho. Distance works well for us
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Posted By: shaz
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 1:24pm
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Well I live in the same sort of set up as Bombshell but no I'm not closer to my Mum. Actually I'd say i'm more distant. MUm tends to be very negative about everything which drives me potty. When I told her I was pregnant her first reaction was "oh NO" ....so haven't really forgiven her for that. It annoys me that she can just come upstairs to our place anytime as well. We have no door just stairs seperating us so maybe it's privacy I need who knows, we weren't very close when I was young anyway as I was a Daddy's girl but some how it was me that Mum turned to after Dad past away and we ended up buying a bigger house with a granny flat for her. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 1:48pm
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I don't know about closer, but I defiately respect her more, now I know what she ha been through. I remember one cold cold night, Jacob had been vomiting, it was about 3 am, and I was just cuddling him, rocking him, and I thought, man, my mum must have done this a million times..wow! I really appriciated her then. They didn't live here when i had Jacob, so I had no family or help here, but htey moved up before Char, and its a godsend. She does tend to be negative about stuff, but I always turn her comments that are looking for me to agree with (poor woe is me the world against me) around to get her out of that rut. Her "advice', to be honest mostly just goes in one ear and out the other... Some of it is good, and others, not so much... ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 2:56pm
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Nah - we're not any closer. But we had a funny relationship to begin with, a lot of undetones and misunderstandings and over-emotional reactions from her (or the threat of them, which is why I just don't bother telling her how I real feal most of the time - it's not worth the aftermath). She sure does visit a LOT now, which started half-way through my pregnancy and is all completely related to Ella. I would have loved her to come and help with my house or something when I had a newborn, but she comes here to drink coffee, and talk and talk and talk. I find it exhausting! Though in her defence, mum doesn't give me hard-out advice on raising Ella, she leaves me to it. Having a baby did make me appreciate better all the work she did in raising us, though. So I guess that's changed. Especially since she and I both married men who ended up working instead of spending much time with their families... I look at how dad just wasn't around and think - man, she just got on with the job for well over a decade... WOW! Doesn't make her any more sympathetic towards me though - go figure! Issues. I've got issues there. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 15 May 2007 at 4:41pm
Me too!! Especially after I had Conor, he finally got his little boy...(he had my sister and I). Before Conor was born we couldn't stand each other, never talked, showed no emotion to each other. Nothing. I never imagined that we would have the kind of relationship we have now. I've discovered he's a really good man, and it took 22years to find that out!! Scary really. As for me and mum - She was at both birth's and was a great help, not too intrusive etc... she's a great Nana to my kids. I think our relationship hasn't got any stronger because she's become a Nana... ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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