being judged
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Category: General Chat
Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=7638
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Topic: being judged
Posted By: Bizzy
Subject: being judged
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 9:16pm
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when you are out in public with your babies/kids do you feel that you are being judged based on your childs behaviour? and if so does it make you behave differently than you would at home or with family?
When the kids were younger my hubby hated going out to cafes and stuff for fear the kids would make a noise and draw attention to us. and i read an article in the latest littlies mag about this also so thought would ask all your opinions... |
Replies:
Posted By: tashzmum
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 9:29pm
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i get judged as i am quite young(21 next month) and i was pg at 17, gave birth at 18. i always get people going 'u are to young to have a baby' or something along those lines...
sometimes if tash is really in a moody i feel rather embrassed when she lies on the ground and throws a full blowen tantie. i get the most evil looks from other people in the shop ------------- Natasha Jayde, 1-01-05(7lb3oz) Caroline Elisabeth, 9-04-08 (4lb15oz) Izabella Kate, 9-04-08(6lb7oz) Lexi Brenna, 23-01--2011(6lb6oz) |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 9:31pm
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Totally. Am starting to get over it tho. I always feel like the old ladies are judging me if Hannah has her dummy at the supermerket, but then they would look at me the same if she was screaming the place down! ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 9:44pm
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Totally! Although to be honest I find it so much better over here than in NZ. Might be because DD is older now so is over her terrible 2 phase and isn't playing up in the mall etc like she used to, but even when I came back to visit in March I really noticed the difference to the types of looks I got.
I don't think I am any harder or softer on her in public because of it though- I figure the type of people that judge me because of a split second of my childs behaviour aren't really people whose opinion I am going to value either. ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3 
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Posted By: MILF
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 9:45pm
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lol i feel like i am being judged by the mums at xanthes new kindy, because they seem to all put on makeup to do the kindy run, and i.... do not! but then i am judging them myself by making that assumption too lol.
but certainly i like to make sure my girls are tidy and neat when out, have shoes on and a clean nose. and there is nothing better than having someone compliment you on your childs manners, so i am always aware of that. it wouldnt stop me going out though, but i would be more aware of where i went with kids, ie not to the flash cafe, but would go to a family friendly place IYKWIM. ------------- Lyla - mum to Xanthe -  my big 4 year old 
and Jordis - 1 year old 
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 9:59pm
Yep, I do. Because Ella doesn't always behave well when we are out, she can be quite rough with other kids (but not in a mean way, she just gets excited)  So I sometimes have to talk harshly to her, and I get backwards glances sometimes. Other times I get positive comments or smiles from old people.
I used to feel judged because I was (am) a young mum, but I'm over that. I know I'm a good mum and anyone who thinks otherwise can get stuffed  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 10:13pm
| yes, but i don't really care that much - i mean, i look at some of the kids running around and think - well, at least my kid has apparopriate clothes on (not a t-shirt when i'ts bloody cold), shoes on, and a clean(ish) face. I do try not to yell when we are out, bnut like Lyla, I tend to go to places that are kid and pushchair friendly, and try to go out after or before naptime and take copious amounts of snacks. |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 10:57pm
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I tend to feel like my girls are being judged by their appearance if we go anywhere after daycare!! behaviour usually isn't too bad. but after daycare i am conscious of it.. especially cos me and mike dont dress to the 9's.. we just have jeans and tops etc.. the girls home/good clothes are great but after daycare or whatever.. it's trackies and skivvys and woolen knitted jerseys made very kewl-with-love from nana. the are sometimes covered in who knows what and look filthy. and you can just see that sometimes no matter how well behaved they are.. people look at you as if to say "hhhm look at those lower-class people who don't even have nice clothes or clean their kids!!" don't care as much now as i used to.. but usually if we are going anywhere planned after daycare.. i will take some wipes and a full change of clothes for the girls as well as a hairbrush to clean em all up!
I think since being a parent myself i try not to judge etc on a snapshot glimpse cos mostly you can see the ones that really are like that constantly and tell the difference between ones that are just having a bad day or a terrible twos moment, lol. funny how things change. I have found that mike comments though especially if he sees a baby up town.. "look at that, no hat, no socks, no blanket.. " sometimes it's even just new parents that have not got quite as much idea.. lol.. I do remember a bank teller saying to me when paris was young "well done, you are the only mum i have seen in here today at all that has a hat on their baby and has it wrapped up" i was terribly surprised as it was a hella cold day! made me feel special lol.. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 18 May 2007 at 11:26pm
Oh I find that now too! I don't change Ellas clothes after creche, we usually come home right after I pick her up, but sometimes pop to the shops or supermarket.. and I always put her in clothes that already have stains on them hehe.. I wonder if people think "wow, that kid is a mess". What's the point of changing them though, it's just more washing! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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mum2paris wrote:Posted By: Jennz
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 3:45am
Haha with mine its the exact opposite! She goes to a private nursery so has this posh little school uniform that is always immaculate whenever I pick her up (don't know how they keep them so clean!)-plus I have to do her hair in plaits as its so curley it turns into a mess if I don't. So whenever I take her out after nursery in that I get these looks like I'm a snob or something  Can't win!
Can so relate to the 'done up' mums on the kindy run. Some of them look like they've just stepped off a magazine cover at 8.30am in the morning! I have no idea how they do it- I'm proud of myself if I manage to fit a shower in before I drop her off ------------- Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 8:08am
wow Jen, you are so close! 2 weeks to go  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 10:15am
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I don't feel judged about that but sometimes a bit self-conscious.
The thing that I do feel judged about sometimes, is having three kiddies so close together. And Hannah's not particularly tall so they probably look even closer together than they are! Then you get the cheeky comments about no TV etc, from people who know you a little bit, and you really get bad ideas about what people think! Yes, we want lots of children. Yes, we know how to stop when we want to. Yes, we do actually know what contracaeption is  ------------- |
Posted By: MyMinis
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 11:11am
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i do sometimes, esp when haleigh throws the mother of all tantys and starts kicking and punching its very embarrassing.
at home i can send her to timeout but in public thats a bit hard. but it oculd jsut be my paranoia. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://tweetytweety85.bebo.com - bebo |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 12:06pm
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All the time. I used to feel that if Ella was misbehaving people would judge how I handled it and that I had to make a show of how I went about it. Now I have learned not to care quite as much, but I still have to make sure the kids have nice clothes on when we go to my inlaws! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 1:49pm
Me too, especially since Maya is not a great fan of having her hair done so looks like a steet urchin
But I don't really care all that much - people can look at me and say "Look at that westie mum with her slippers on and her hori kids" but I'm inclined to think they're the ones with the problem if they feel they need to dress up just to go to the mall/preschool etc. I probably wear makeup once or twice a week if I'm lucky, and today I even went to Countdown in my hori trackies 
And as for behaviour, I tend to just ignore Maya when we're out if she misbehaves (sometimes I pretend she doesn't belong to me ) ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 1:57pm
lol I have always made a point of getting changed to go to the supermerket, even if its a quick trip! But one day I decided bugger it, I'll just go in my trackies, who cares. Well I saw one lady there I knew (one of the more upper class types here) and she so obviously looked me up and down, I was so embarrassed!! ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 2:16pm
emma neither you nor maya look like street urchins! |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 2:49pm
Haha that's me too... Han wears the most hideous outfits to creche, most days I try to better the last by adding clashing colours or as much pink fluff as I can muster from the hand-me-downs I've recieved which I use for creche. But now I go on the bus home so feel like every single person I see is staring at my daughter and thinking - young trashy mum. Well, not completely... not too phased as I haven't changed anything. But anyway, glad to hear it isn't just an age thing. Maybe I need to get over my complex about being a young mum! As far as behaviour goes, not too worried about general tantrums. Get a bit embarrassed when I catch myself screeching at Han... but it is really terrible when she is horrible to other kids (quite often )
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 2:59pm
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haha Nikki, Ella and Hannah can be horrible to each other then
see you soon! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 3:00pm
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Perfect arrangement reciprocal nastiness!
Yep, will call in a sec |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 3:01pm
| When I did family daycare I often used to go shopping with three children in tow. People assume you are the Mum not the caregiver. I used to get some weird looks as the middle child was brown and looked nothing like the other two. I used to play dumb and have a quiet chuckle to myself. I assume people thought I'd had a fling on the side or something. |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 3:11pm
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lol jaz! people think the opposite about Bay (im his nanny!!) and im actually his mother!!!
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 3:43pm
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Yep Nikki I know what you mean about the young-mother looks, I used to get them (I think!) when I was 21 with Hannah. I felt so indignant, I was even married!!
Emma - makeup? I barely wear lippy once a fortnight and anything beyond that I save for when I'm "childless" for the night.... doesn't seem worth the makeup when you spend all your energy on keeping kids in line instead of looking pretty!
Man I hate the spamming message! Had to retype  ...doesn't this forum recognise the excellent skills (ie typing speed) of an ex-PA?? ------------- |
Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 3:46pm
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Yup I feel judged sometimes, mainly if it's a situation like a cafe and Maddie starts getting noisey....not even tantrum noisey but just normal noisey and you get the "non-kiddy) people who turn and look....I'm learning to tune it out though. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 4:29pm
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I feel judged when people comment on how cold or hot they think my baby is dressed... one lady on a not-too -cold day commented that maybe Ella had her legs crossed in her stroller to keep them warmer, then saw that her hands were bare and asked if they'd be warm enough (?!? - she had tights and the only things showing at all were her face and hands, and it really wasn't toooo cold!). But then I don't really care about those comments. Some people think a baby that isn't constantly rugged up will freeze. And my wee Ella, she busts a temp just having a cry, so she's OK. Funny how I do care about their 'judgements' on my parenting or my baby when it's a complement though - ooooh yes, all of a sudden I care about a complete stranger's opinion!! Ha ha... I hear what I want to! ------------- Andie |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 4:32pm
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OK gotta admit though, once a lady at church who must've seen Ella in passing twice in total peered over her in the pram and said "what a spoilt little girl" in a kind of matter-of-fact tone. I thought WTF??? She wasn't even expensive clothes. I have no idea what that's about! But it peed me off anyway. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 6:08pm
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yep because i,m of the brown skin type and james is whiter then a sheet most of the time i dont care what people think but i do get looks when he goed mama and i go running to him lol ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: AuntieSarah
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 6:56pm
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Well from someone who doesn't have kids - I think that people who have their own or work with kids (as I do) understand the tantrums, mess, etc!
Hehe we took some kids to the library for storytime one day and I was sitting with four of the kids - one pakeha, one indian, one chinese, and one samoan (and all looking VERY different, and all between the ages of two and five). A man asked me if they were all mine LOL. |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 7:08pm
| You shouldn't feel judged. I was in the supermarket yesterday afternoon and a little boy was having a tantrum on the floor cause he wasn't getting what he wanted, so another customer layed on the floor next to him complaining too, it was hilarious. People are a lot more supportive of mums than you think. |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 7:51pm
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I think the main "culprits" for me are old ladies. I also wonder if some of the feeling of judgement is just me being self-conscious though. ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 8:43pm
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ooh i love it when they think that oh girls are having babies too young these days.. lol sure lady.. when you were my age (ie 25) you were probably married for 8 years and had all your kids already... heaps of them got married straight outta school - my grandmother was 17 when she got married! but apparently we know nothing. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 19 May 2007 at 8:49pm
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LOL Janine and Fluery!!
Andie that would really really irritate me too! ------------- |