this is sooo funny
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Topic: this is sooo funny
Posted By: yummymummy
Subject: this is sooo funny
Date Posted: 12 July 2007 at 10:19pm
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I was crying & laughing - soo funny & soo true. Enjoy!
Follow these 14 simple tests before you decide to have children. Test 1 Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 To discover how the nights will feel: 1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4. Set the alarm for 3am. 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6. Go to bed at 2.45am. 7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. 9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off. 10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: 1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out. 3. Time allowed for this: all morning. Test 5 Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. 2. Leave it there. 3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player. 4. Take a family size packet of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Test 6 Get ready to go out. 1. Wait 2. Go out the front door 3. Come back in again 4. Go out 5. Come back in again 6. Go out again 7. Walk down the front path 8. Walk back up it 9. Walk down it again 10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. 12. Retrace your steps 13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. 14. Give up and go back into the house. 15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9 1. Hollow out a melon 2. Make a small hole in the side 3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side 4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane. 5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. 7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child. Test 10 Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Dora and Bob the Builder. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years. Test 11 Can you stand the mess children make. To find out: 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains 2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls. 4. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? Test 12 Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it 2. Stir 3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt 4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture 5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel 6. Do not change, you have no time. 7. Go directly to work ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Replies:
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 12 July 2007 at 10:24pm
| LOL....and have to add that a spill down your back and into your hoodie is never fun either,....try getting that out inconspicously!!!! |
Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 12 July 2007 at 10:25pm
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Oh so much of that is oh so true. The worse is the "mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum..."
Going crazy yet  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 12 July 2007 at 10:57pm
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ROTFLMAO!!!! That is soooo hilarious!! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 12 July 2007 at 11:27pm
hehehe whats relly scary is thats its ture ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 12 July 2007 at 11:33pm
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Hahahahahahahahaha! Brilliant! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: Bubbaloo
Date Posted: 13 July 2007 at 7:42am
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LMAO so true. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Was danni-chick Mum to James My Angel 28/07/08 |
Posted By: floss
Date Posted: 13 July 2007 at 7:48am
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So true
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Posted By: Faraway
Date Posted: 13 July 2007 at 9:11am
| He he very funny! |
Posted By: My3Sons
Date Posted: 13 July 2007 at 9:28am
lol thats a good one!!! ------------- Mum to Mr 10, Mr 6 and Mr 4 
 
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Posted By: jamesmum
Date Posted: 13 July 2007 at 1:30pm
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sooo funny!
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Posted By: nicci
Date Posted: 13 July 2007 at 1:52pm
What have I got myself in for !!! hehehehe
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 19 November 2007 at 12:55am
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*bump* b'cos it is such a laugh!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: ellabellame
Date Posted: 19 November 2007 at 7:35am
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haha love the bit about the goat, soooo true! ------------- |
Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 19 November 2007 at 8:12am
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Brilliant LOL. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: josephnia
Date Posted: 19 November 2007 at 9:46am
OK, now I'm scared -------------  
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Posted By: kezplanet
Date Posted: 19 November 2007 at 10:27am
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Hahahahahahahahaha ....... BUT.... why didn't I see this 4 years ago?!?!?!?! ------------- Kerryn, Mum to Ashlyn(29/3/04), Anastasia(1/11/05) & Abigail (24/02/09) |