If we talked to everyone the way we talked to expectant mothers

Since when did it become acceptable to greet the good news of a pregnancy with predictions of doom? The last thing a pregnant woman needs is a dose of pessimism to burst her bubble by warning of sleepless nights, lapsed personal hygiene and ruined relationships. So how would it be if we responded to other life news the way we talk to the newly pregnant? Nicola Prentis applies the glass-half-empty attitude to her friends' good news.

‘After years of trying to find work, I’ve landed my dream job and I start next month!’
Wow! I hope you’re ready, though. We know what it’s like to have a job, especially a dream job. The mindless routine that sets in after the first terrifying weeks. You’ll get the hang of it, but some days you’ll be wondering why you signed up for this. Only 18 years to go ’til you can retire!

‘We’re getting married in autumn!’
Congratulations! That’s the end of your relationship AND life as you know it!  And your sex life goes out the window too, of course. One of my friends had an autumn wedding. She was so traumatised she was in therapy for years. You know, 50% of marriages end in divorce, so there’s always someone around to talk to if you need.

‘We’re buying a house!’
Hey, that’s fantastic news! It’s really noisy in that neighbourhood, isn’t it? Say goodbye to a good night’s sleep for a few years. You’ll be so tired you’ll barely be able to recognise which  front door is yours. And, even when you do fall asleep, you’ll wake up terrified something’s gone wrong with the electric. New houses are so expensive, and when they get older you need a second mortgage just to manage the bills.

‘Holiday's all booked! Three weeks of lazing around on the beach.’
Have a great trip! Thank goodness I don’t have to do all that again. The endless topping up of sunscreen, making sure you’re hydrated, packing all that beach gear every time you want to leave the hotel. You never have time for a proper shower, and one of you is bound to get sick too. You think you’ve seen vomit? Well, it’s nothing compared to holiday vomit.

‘I just went freelance and I’ve already scored three big clients!’
Amazing! But woah, I don’t know how anyone manages with three. Clients always call you up out of hours, making demands, expecting you to do every little thing for them. And yours are all boys, right? I bet you’re hoping you get a girl next time! Girls are far easier. At first anyway, then they’re the worst too.

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