How do you maintain your identity?
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Forum Name: General Chat
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URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=9386
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Topic: How do you maintain your identity?
Posted By: Maya
Subject: How do you maintain your identity?
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:15pm
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The theme for this months Multiple Birth Club newsletter is "They call me mum, but my name is, ummm... - maintaining your identity after you have kids". I've just been writing my submission, and it got me to thinking about it. How do YOU maintain your identity? -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Replies:
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:15pm
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Here is my finished submission:
When I told people I was going back to work, they told me I must be mad. Sienna and Mercedes were not even five months old, and I had originally planned to take up to a year off. But I couldn’t wait to get back into it; I was absolutely craving the opportunity to do something that exercised my brain a little more than making baby food and doing washing. Being a mum is an amazing experience, and one I wouldn’t swap for the world, but being a mum doesn’t define who I am. It merely opens up a whole new area of my life. I’m incredibly lucky in that my job gives me a huge degree of flexibility. I’m lucky that as a journalist I have a skill that enables me to work from home, and I’m lucky to have found an organization that is 100% family friendly, and which is entirely run by mums working from home. I get paid to do what I love, which is write, and even better, I get to write about what I love, which is my kids. I do still have the same deadlines that I had before I had the girls, and some days they play on the kitchen floor while I sit at the kitchen table frantically trying to bang out a column or the last few words of a feature, but for the most part my being a working mum doesn’t impact on the kids in a negative way. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It impacts on the kids, and on our family as a whole, in a positive way. Being a working mum has allowed me to maintain my identity, to be Emma Fahy the writer as well as Emma Fahy the mum of three beautiful girls. It gives me a different perspective, an area of my life that is all about ME and what I am good at and it has helped me to maintain a healthy self-esteem despite the battering that having twins might have given it. I have the perfect balance. I get to be a mum, I get to be a writer, I get to be just plain old me. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:28pm
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Well I used to work as a legal secretary but that is a particularly stressful job and I just couldn't put that and mothering together, both of them require too much of me. So I'm basically on a long-term (maybe forever?) break from paid work and that means that this question is particularly thought-provoking.
Even though I worked for 6 years - straight from high school - my identity goes beyond my (former) occupation. What I am is not limited to what I was employed as. My identity actually has a lot more to do with me enjoying making a house a home, and helping people out - whether with listening or advice or a meal or looking after their kids. And the beauty of it is that I am able to do most of those things with my children in tow. And everything I do with my kids in tow helps to show them that life is a lot more about what you put into it than what you get out of it.* I also see life as a whole range of stages. I've had my growing up stage and my working stage and now I'm in my mothering stage. Someday I'll be in a "free-time" stage and be able to give a lot of practical help (or so is my plan) and then will enter the grandmothering stage (again, I hope). And it's all part of me, and me helping others, and I like it. Not to detract from you Emma (or anyone else) going back to work, I have tried it a couple of times but it wasn't for me. This is just another POV in the mix of our wide personalities on these forums 
*I just have to add, the other night we all went to some friends' home for dinner and we took some ice-cream with us. When we were leaving, I told them to keep it and Hannah asked why. I said "It will be nice to leave it here for them" and she replied: "but they might eat it!"  ------------- |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:37pm
Interesting when my grandmother introduces herself to people, she refers to herself as Nana, and asks everyone to call her 'Nana'. She's been Nana for over 35 years so I guess that is how she sees herself. I don't think she's been referred to by her christian name for a long time. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Maya wrote:Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:41pm
Not at all! I totally get that being a working mum isn't for everyone! I'm just keen to know what other people do to maintain their own sense of identity, coz for me the biggest way I do that is thru my work ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:52pm
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Very good thread/question.
For me, my identity has been changing since I've had kids, and before that when i got married. and before that when i went to Ucol and through all the jobs i've had. I think I'm similar to busymum in that the majority of my identity isn't found through my work (although it IS a substantial portion of my life and helps to shape my ID). To some extent it's not even found in what I do. It's a tough question to answer. My ID can partly be found in the people that I surround myself with. I can find parts of my ID with other people, with the work i do, but that's still not me. What is me? The way I react? My attitudes? Who am I? I don't know who I am. That's been part of the journey for me - realising that I don't actually know who I am and what I want. I've found some things I like by doing them. Things like getting married and having kids has taught me about life, about myself, and about God, in ways that you can only understand by having kids. I cannot explain to someone who has not had children, the pain of seeing fear in their eyes. Or the joy of hearing their laughter. But those still aren't who I am. Like I said Maya. It's a good question. Who am I? How can you maintain an identity if you can't even answer that question? I can answer things I like, things I don't like, Things that bother me and upset me, things that make me happy, things that I do and don't want to do. But I seriously cannot tell you how I maintain my Identity. It's continually getting changed. I am not the boy i used to be, nor the man i imagined myself to be. I am not the person I want to be, but I'm happy with who I am. Who am I? I won't allow anyone else to answer that for me. They cannot know who I am. It haunts me. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 10:07pm
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Hmmm now this has made me think hard.
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 10:11pm
I know! It got me thinking too! Hence why I thought it would make an interesting thread. And deep, Chovy, real deep!  ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: MILF
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 10:18pm
how do i maintain my identity? more to the point, how do i follow the extremely well written replies ahead of me 
i am a mum. i am a wife. i am a sexy mama (in the eyes of the beholder  ). i am a lover, and an antagonist. i am a friend, a daughter, a sister. i am different for each of those things, but when i am in one i am not cut off from the others. i may think about my girls when i am with friends, or spend time with my sister or brother, and be thinking about my husband. to seperate the parts of me makes me less of a person, because the road i have travelled to become this person encompasses everything i have been and done.
i keep my identity by holding onto those things that are important to me - i still make time for a wine with a childless friend, i talk to my mummy friends at child events. i cuddle my dh on the couch, and of course, i spend my time with my girls. but for me, at the moment i am channeling my time and goals into my body - my very first triathlon in november. sometimes i feel like other parts of me are suffering for it, but on the whole i am enjoying it, and the end result will be a breath of victory to me - because i am one thing, does not mean i am only one thing. By the same token, i am content to know that the me who is now, isnt set in stone. at any point i could change things. i know in the future i wont be a mum doing the kindy run, or mixing the baby food. but for now, keeping my identity is about remembering the person i was, and am, and who i want to be one day. Does that make ANY sense????  ------------- Lyla - mum to Xanthe - my big 4 year old 
and Jordis - 1 year old 
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Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 10:31pm
OMGosh Lyla you should be a writer !!!! Very well written Nearly a hallmark moment ..hahaha ------------- http://lilypie.com">
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: baalamb
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 10:41pm
Kels, I think as much as we don't know our own identities, the ladies at various cafe's in the Wellington region know us better than we know ourselves  maybe we should ask them LMAO
P.S I love everybody's replies. They're really well written. I don't think I'll even try! |
Posted By: Katherine
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 10:50pm
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The question of identity is one I've struggled with all of my life, as I had an abusive, overbearing father whose main goal was to obliterate any sense of self his children possessed, and to replace it with his own version of the truth. So for a long time, I genuinely didn't know who I was. It wasn't until I moved out of my parents' house and went away to university that I started to define myself. I went to an all-female Catholic university, which you would think would be the most constrictive, identity-repressing environment imaginable, but was actually exactly the opposite -- it was the most open, liberal, questioning, thoughtful, introspective experience of my life, and had I not gone to that university, I'd never have met my husband and I wouldn't be writing this message now. I look back on those four years at university as the defining years of my life, when I learned the most about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, my dreams and fears, my beliefs and values. So when I get to the point when I feel like I don't know who I am, my starting point for recapturing my identity is to mentally go back to that time and rebuild the little blocks of myself, using all of the things I discovered about myself during that time -- writer, friend, activist, volunteer, survivor... too many to count. Now, of course, I can add new blocks -- wife, mother, expat, immigrant, adaptor -- and the blocks change over time. I think that identities are always evolving, and the one thing I learned along the way is that there is no single word or phrase to describe my identity. It's always changing, and the best thing I can do is to hang in there during the times when I'm confused and lost and start building those blocks again when I'm calmer and my sight is clearer. I have a postcard somewhere with this quote on it: "Be willing to relinquish the life you've planned, so as to have the life that's waiting for you." That sums it up for me -- identity is a fluid, ever-changing thing for me, and the best thing I can do for myself is to learn to let go of what was, in order to see what is, and to be open to what will be. |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 23 July 2007 at 11:01pm
With difficulty
Very complex topic, will have to sleep on it and come back later ! 
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 6:49am
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I too work....and that is what makes me complete and enables me to give of my whole self...and to be a better mummy....aad wife. I know some people dont agree with that but if I didnt have my work in which I invest my mind, support others, help people and showcase my talents, then I would not be the most rounded mother for my daughter.
I know that i have added the title and roles of mother and wife in recent times, but to me I am so much more. I am a woman, I am independent when i want to be, I am supported when i want to be, I have been the victim, I have been the survivor - I wont say I AM cause I have passed that so i have been....I am a traveller, I am a writer, I am a shopaholic, I am a collector, I am a friend, i am sometimes a foe, I am a daughter, I was a grandddaughter, I have so many sectors of my identity that are always growing and changing. I maintain my identity by allowing myself to grow and change as my needs, wants and those around me change. In time I will be a mother again - and if DH doesnt behave at times, I might be a divorcee or even a widow, I will one day be a grandmother (god forbid), and I know there will be other things I will add to my list as time goes on.... I will embrace change and personal growth for that is what allows me to grow and with that my identity is maintained. |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 7:56am
| will come back too. am, now thinking damn you emma! i've spent the last few weeks trying to avoid thinking! |
Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 8:05am
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i don't ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 8:12am
I like that!!! Like MILF I maintain it by holding onto what is important to me....mum to Maddie, gorgeous and precious wife to B (his words!!!),friend, (paniced!) student, learning to run a business from home, daughter of God. I think the last is the most important to me, God has brought me to where I am today and I am doing what He has planned for me. He opens doors (like Bible College) and He closes doors but whatever happens it's becuase it's right for me and fits who I am. All I do I am content with. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 8:37am
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Wow!! that is a good question and one which has been haunting me as I enter motherhood.
I have always struggled with defining myself by my career. A lot of my peers do just this and dedicate their life to their profession. That is just not me. I decided long ago that I didnt want to die and be thought of a a great optometrist (who would?) but as a great mother, wife, friend, daughter etc etc. Is that enough? I am not sure and I will soon find out. I have just hadmy first week off work and I admit to sitting here thinking "what do I do? What use am I?" So even though I wasnt a huge fan of my job I did feel needed and now I am in between things. I am sure I will adapt. I look at this as moving on to a new stage in my life as busymum says and hoping that being a mum will help define another part of who I am. But I will always be ME!!! (whoever Me may be(come)) |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:02am
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Mmmmm deep question. I really deeply wanted to be a dr. From the time that I could remember. When I didnt get in (policital issues in SA) I was literally devastated.
It felt like now who am I? So felt like I almost didnt exist. But once McKayla was born it just changed. Dont know how to explain it. But I swear I was born to be a mother. I love the role of a SAHM and being here when hubby comes home. I am the same person but at the same time I am not the same person at all. Okay dont know if that is jsut last night sleepless night talking. Perhaps I should just try a bit later on again. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Anna
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:05am
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Someone asked me yesterday what I have been doing with myself apart from being mum to my two kids, apart from my papers at uni I really did not have any answer for them.
Sometimes i feel that my only identity is being a mum, I love my kids but crave more. This is absolutely something that I need to think about and work on! ------------- Anna http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 10:41am
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wow deep conversation/thread. one I can't add to without a lot of thought (as the poster above me have done)
My Identity??? ummmm.... In my household I am MUM (even to the dog much to my disgust!) I am also a wife, a daughter, a councilor, a dr, a nurse, a friend, a handy women (do not shy away from male dominant jobs), a teacher and a learner/student too. Most of all though I am just Plain Ann. In my former life before Children I didn't know what I wanted to be where I wanted to be or who I was. I have been many things. I have also been a victim but the best part is I am a survivor and moved on. Before Rhyley I was in a career - one I loved and enjoyed but now doesn't seem as important and if I go back in Oct so be it or not oh well... Children definitely put your life in perspective and make you realize its NOT all about you anymore, I did learn this at an early age but didn't really apply it to my life till a very close friend died and made me really look at my life and say if I died tomorrow would I be happy with what I left at that point it was NO... now nearly 8 years on I can say YES.... slightly OT but it made me change my identity from the abusive relationship I was in (and coincidently the kids were in) to the loving and most wonderful relationship we are in now. I honestly couldn't ask God or anyone for anything better.
In all I am Ann and happy being that Ann. there is alway what if's and if only's but life is what we make it and I have come to here this Identity of Ann and well I kind of really like it (a few million $$$ would make it all so much better though )
Ps I am not writer and I can't spell (I love spell check) but that is also my identity
To quote one of my fridge magnets: I AM A WOMAN! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM TIRED! ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: daikini
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 11:53am
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I am.
I am Daughter, I am Mother, I am Wife, I am Lover. I am Friend, I am Foe, I am Yes, I am No. I am Woman, I am Girl, I am Line, I am Swirl. I am Teacher, I am Learner, I am Spender, I am Earner. I am Weak, I am Strong, I am Right, I am Wrong. I am Laughter, I am Tears, I am Comfort, I am Fears. I am In, I am Out, I am Definite, I am Doubt. I am Cuddles, I am Kisses, I am Hits, I am Misses. I am Broken, I am Saved, I am Scared, I am Brave. I am Priceless, I am Worthless, I am Poet, I am Wordless. I am Myself, I am Me, I am Person, I am Free. Rebecca Louwrens 24 July 2007 ------------- Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 2:32pm
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Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 2:38pm
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For me, shallow as it sounds, maintaining an "identity" is dressing nicely everyday (never wear trackies or fleece - fleece only if its a cold and I am outside and need a jacet, lol) wearing perfume and listening to my own music in the car. See, I still "look" like Annie. Oh, and trying to have non baby conversations with my non baby friends, although I don't have many of them anymore, either they fell off the wagon and got their own or fell off the face of the earth when I got mine! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 5:24pm
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i stuggle with this every day before my baby i was inderpentant party girl who mloved to work and meet people go out and rage after my baby some of the prevois me is still there but in quiter quilty i to am a sham and because my baby needs me at this moment i am happy to stay home with him. me is were i am now sometimes its hard to find the me before the mum but my role of mum to james is were i, am spose to be that is me like sherk said orges are like oniunes they have many layers and so do i ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 7:43pm
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Loving the Shrek quote, Lu! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: BSDH
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 8:28pm
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That's easy...
I am Me I am nobody else I am what I am and that's that.. I'm the smart arse in the coner I am the one who will help you when you are in need I am the one who loves my wife and Daughter and fur babies too I am the one who has life experancs to share I am the one who will listen to others life experances.. I am the one who puts my life on the line for others I am the one who will not ask anybody else to put their life on the line.. I am me and noboby else... I keep my identity by being the very best me I can be ------------- *Act your shoe size once in a while!!!* http://www.baby-gaga.com/"> 
I love my wee girl - Gabriella |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 8:44pm
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I just love reading this thread. Everybodies comments are so thoughtful and inspiring. (I am sorry if mine is not at the same standard) For me as a little girl growing up I never had dreams or hopes I just went through life and took it as it came I have built a career for myself and plan on taking over the business in .... a year. |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 8:59pm
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BSDH - you are the one who cannot spell!!!
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:07pm
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I maintain multiple identity complexes. I realised it the first time I went into a bar after having Hannah. I wanted to badly to go out but then as soon as I stepped into the room I wanted everyone to know I was a mum too.
I still suffer from this 2 years on. I want so badly to be a student with little to no responsibility like many of my friends, but then can't help but want everyone to see me as a mother too. Terribly frustrating. Need a large sign that explains all about me. |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:12pm
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i still don't know what to write. when i was in my twenties i had this strong idea about where my life was going. we did crazy things like staying up all night dancing in roppongi and then heading to some random persons apartment and starting all over again. going to bed at 4am and getting up at 1pm. Eating curry watching Fat boy Slim, drinking beer in the hot hot sun dancing to the Datsuns. We did so much stuff and i honestly didn't see how being a mum would fit it. I've never been particualry maternal and children were...well, best from a distance. and then i got pregnant and everything I thought I was disappeared, no more late night karaoke, no more seeing if "all you can drink" was a personal challenge. and with the birth of Taine, no more working person, no more Liz the teacher, just "muuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm". It was scary and I remember a few posts that was me dealing with all of that.
Now to maintain my identity -i feel like being a mum has freed me, and rather than "fitting in" with what my "friends" and society thinks I should do, being a mum makes me feel like I can do anything - hell, if I can have two hours sleep for four nights out of seven, breastfeed, and cope with a newborn and a toddler, then i figure i can do anything! So I dance and sing loudly, often, in the car and inthe shower, (instead of karaoke), I try and have "me time", painting my toenails, having a face mask. a few weeks ago some girlfriends and I go together and had a fanstastic time doing crafts, beauty treatments and drinking copious amounts of wine. i used to read and I miss that, but nowadays I fall asleep while reading. my study does help and I loved going to school, but funnily enough I loved talking about my kids while there too. I don't know if I have a distinct way of maintaining my identity. i guess the longer I'm a mum the more I'm content with the identity i do have. speaking of which, the small one calls - big bro has apparently kicked him outta bed. |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:14pm
We ARE twins, Liz, I knew it! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:25pm
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I like it, Liz (and Annie ) ------------- |
Posted By: Mazzy
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 9:50pm
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I thought I knew who I was before I became a mum. I had a lot of ideas of where I wanted my life to go. Since having DD, I have realised that most of those dreams were other people's. I have a lot of very vivacious and outgoing friends and got inspired and carried away by their enthusiasm for things that I liked too. I never realised that I didn't have to be as passionate about travel/acting/sport/work as them, in order to be 'interesting'.
Becoming a mum has given me more of an identity than anything else. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have come home. Being a mother 'fits' in a way that nothing else has. So while I still maintain some of my pre-baby interests, like being involved in theatre and the arts, club netball and writing, I find that these things don't define me anymore and it is a real relief to be able to just be 'me'. My daughter and my husband have 'liberated' me - they love me for all of me, and it is a wonderful feeling. |
Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 11:10pm
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Mmmmmmm.
all deep. I'm drowning. Lots seeing. Not understanding. Clearly visible. Accept fully. Feeling scared. Feeling known. No words. But plenty. It is! But, not. My inside. I am. Me is. Who I? I am. What is? Not I. Where I? All places. Yet, nowhere. There I. Here I. They are! But not. I, Am. ------------- Defending the male species since 1980
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 24 July 2007 at 11:30pm
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Wow, this has certainly elicited some interesting, and varied responses. It certainly made me think, I mean the person I am today is not the person I might have seen myself as five years ago, and had I not had Maya when I did my life probably would have taken a very different direction. In a way, she is responsible for everything that I am today because her arrival gave me an overwhelming drive to succeed, to be the best I can be and give her the best opportunities I possibly can, and now to do the same for her baby sisters as well. Like Liz I never really pictured myself as being particularly maternal, but it presented itself to me quite by chance (or by fate ) and I think we're doing ok... ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 25 July 2007 at 6:43am
| Annie - i wonder if we were in the the same room together if one of us would have to exlpode??? |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 25 July 2007 at 2:42pm
Like the fembots on Austin Powers? No, Liz it would just be a BIG ROOM OF COOL! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 25 July 2007 at 7:23pm
| yeah!!!!!!!!!! |
Posted By: aimeejoy
Date Posted: 25 July 2007 at 8:15pm
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Too hard! Been thinking about this all day and still not sure... ------------- Aimee Hannah 22/10/05 Greer 11/02/08 |
Posted By: newmum
Date Posted: 25 July 2007 at 8:55pm
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hehehehehe Annie and Liz crack me up ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Chovynz
Date Posted: 25 July 2007 at 10:15pm
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I am a gerbil!
Yeah yeah! ------------- Defending the male species since 1980
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