Does pregnancy make things better?

Hrmm...it never goes away, I possibly even think more about the babies that I lost now that I AM a mother. I see the girls doing things, and wonder whether those babies would be similar, or do the same things at the same time. But I am more "at peace" with those lost bubs, because I have my girls with me now and they are so worth every minute of pain and heartache I went through before they arrived.

Counselling may be an option...they may be able to come up with some ideas about how to better accept the situation FOR NOW. I remember after DH and my first m/c (my second one in 6 months) I felt a lot like you, and had to wait until DH was ready...which was after our second m/c (both pill babies). I really really hope that you don't have to go through that too. That year of waiting was agony, but I got through it with the hope that I WOULD be a mum, just not yet. The day was coming, I just had to be a bit more patient (very hard for me!!).

I don't know if this has been any help, or if I'm rambling and making things worse, but I hope that you find something that works for you to make things a wee bit easier than it is just at the moment.

You know how I feel. The pregnancy (so far successful) has given me hope but it hasn't taken away the pain of my lost little ones. I just had the anniversary of my second due date and had a real weep and I'm not sure I'll ever forget those dates. Christmas is a really bad time for this sort of thing. I've had 2 horrible Christmases where I had to try and not think about who I might have been spending them with and I really don't know about this one. More hopeful I think but I'll still be sad.

As for counseling, you also know that I recommend it but it didn't work for me. BUT, I don't think you need counseling if you're just ready to be a mother and your partner doesn't agree. That kinda sounds like a cop out on his behalf to me. Not easy, but you guys need to work that one out together.

Well DP got told today resign or we'll sack you so it looks like perhaps this miscarriage was 'for the best.'

Also means no re-training for me next year as we can't afford both of us out of work.

A fitting ending to a crappy year.

lemongirl that's awful. (I don't think the miscarriage is "for the best" though. If that baby had kept going you'd be living a parallel universe, and who knows what would be going on.)

I really wanted to get pregnant again quickly. We'd been trying for 8 months anyway, then there was pregnancy, then the miscarriage. I was in the head space and emotionally ready to have a baby wanted to get on with it. I hated the idea that my march baby's due date would come round and I'd be babyless and hopeless.

I don't want this grief and loss, but as long as I have it I may as well accept it and see what I can find in the sting of it. I was gearing up for a lot of love and in miscarriage it fell flat. I can see how a new pregnancy would give me somewhere to channel it. Instead I need to process and process and process and some days feel like I am getting somewhere with it all and other days just cry cry cry. But I am determined that there is something good to be had in this miscarriage-shadow-side of the beauty of pregnancy and new life and babies. That's not a judgement on people who get pregnant quickly again! As I say, that would have been my preference too. I hope there will be a baby one day but in this CRAZY world, who knows?! The dr told me after my miscarriage I might want to wait a year or so before trying again. At the time I thought she was insane. I understand it a bit differently now.

As we often say on these forums: everyone is different. It's tricky to say exactly what I mean in a public setting, because some people get pregnant really soon after miscarriage and that helps them and that is good. Other people might have lost their chance for ever or for a while to have a baby, in which case there is really nothing to be "done" apart from in your head and heart. I am somewhere in the mix, trying to appreciate the place I find myself for what is it.

But I still hope you have a baby before tooooo long lemongirl. You'll be a great mum and you'll make and ice amazing birthday cakes for your kids :)



Edited by jo1979

part of your "problem" is due to the fact that your partner already has a child, and this gives rise to all those "it should have been me" feelings. also i think that the fact that you seem to play a very large part in your step daughters life as opposed to your partner contributes to these bad feelings you have.

i personally dont get the whole grieving for a past pregnancy and celebrating possible due dates, but i do get having a constant reminder of what you dont have thrown in your face...

in short i think that yes once you do have your own child it will feel better. You may find that journaling helps with these feelings too. Oh and if you feel sad on christmas day dont feel that you cant just go away for a couple of mins and have a moment... you have every right!

Yes I think it does make it better, but another pregnancy after a missed miscarriage does make you less trusting that things are progressing well especially for the first 16 weeks or so before you can feel bubs moving. I had bleeding, and the baby had a cyst in it's brain this time and ended up having 7 scans and a ER visit in the end and used my own doppler from 10 weeks to keep myself sane.

For me boxing day was my due date for my december baby, we had a quiet day with some tears, but also for the love we now have for this wee bub we are expecting in March. My good friend who I work with is due today so I don't know if I would have been able to see her everyday if I hadn't been pregnant again. I'm sure it's going to be hard enough seeing her with a wee bub soon but then it will make me more excited about seeing our march bub soon too.

I'm sure everyone has their own right time to get pregnant again for me it was straight away as I think it wouldn't have been less stressful 3,6 or even 12 months further on, maybe it would have been even worse. Right now I'm just thankful this pregnancy is going well and a healthy wee boy is due in march.

Goodluck Lemongirl when you do decide to try again, sorry it's been such a hard road for you.

Having Jake has not taken away the feelings of losing my baby.

It hurts less these days, but I dont think it will ever fade completely.

Like Minik8e I wonder what my little girl would have been like, would have had Jakes steely blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair. Would she have had those gorgeous dimples? Would she have crawled or sat first??? But the pang has gone iygwim, now its just sadness of a wonderful little person I will never get to meet.

Oh and it doesnt ease the fear of having subsequent babies, if anything I am more petrified now of having another mc than i was when I was pg with jake!

Hugs babe, sending you lots of good wishes for next year!