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heavenly.talker 
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Joined: 01 March 2011
Location: Algies Bay
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 Posted: 20 July 2016 at 9:50am |
Awww Rosey, I'm so sorry it is really hard at the moment. Big hugs.
No one person grieves the same, and when we are big brave girls who get on with things, the grief bubbling up is somewhat bewildering and quickly becomes more overwhelming because it snuck up when we were busy. I find what helps when I get these times is to acknowledge your loss. Instead of trying to minimse your loss, take a moment, make time to think about your baby. You have lost a beautiful bubba and also the dream that you held for your life once it arrived. Some days are more painful than others and that is totally okay. You have loved someone who you never got to hold and care for in the way you looked forward to.
Please know that you nourished this blessed little soul, that your body already knows the truth that you are a Mum who grieves. Your loss is real, it matters, and that it can take time to process it. Many here have also know the grief of not being able to bring their long awaited baby home. Many (me included) have created mementos to honour the babies we didn't get to keep and find that creating something in their memory helps to work through the sadness and loss. It is totally okay to be sad and to mourn for what should have been.
I have found Sands New Zealand an understanding place to gain some peace. You can like them on facebook and then reach out to them if and when you want.
Please remember that it will be okay, even though it is tough now, and the pain is raw, somehow it does get better. Focus on one moment at a time, be real with yourself, and keep sharing with those who matter so they too can understand and help. xx
Edited by heavenly.talker - 20 July 2016 at 11:11am
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TTC our 3rd child 5+ yrs. Self-funding. Over 55 medicated cycles. 3 m/c's iuis, ivf with ICSI fresh BFN, 1 FET BFN. PCOS horrible. Endo and adhesions from c-sects resected. DH few wrigglers. FAITH!
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Rosey13
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Joined: 10 January 2015
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 11:54am |
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Thanks BC and HT. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety which has crept up on me, pain in my chest etc, and last night said to hubby I feel like I am failing as a mum, a wife and a work colleague. he has started to be really supportive again which is nice. I also have this fear that the age gap (if I do get pregnant) between number 1 and a new number 2 would be so big, I get a lot of comments about that from the outside world also, and it plays on my mind over and over, adding to my anxiety. Right I am getting on the phone to book apt with a counsellor.
Thanks everyone xxxxx
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TTC 2nd child for 41/2 yrs
"unexplained infertility"
monitored cycles for 12 months 2013/2014
IVF #1 2015 BFN - 2 frosties
FET 02/16 CP
FET 03/16 BFP MMC 8 weeks
IVF #2 Sep 2016 BFN
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heavenly.talker
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Location: Algies Bay
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 12:50pm |
Frankly it is none of anyone's business how far apart your kids are spaced. Try to come up with some pre-prepared comments for those intensive enough to say something. You could say with a lovely smile, thanks for your input, I will discuss it with my husband while we plan what here from now :-0 Or maybe, smile and say, sometimes you just have to play the cards you have got to the best of your ability :-) Or maybe, if you have an hour we can sit down so I can share the history that has got us to this point and then you can offer some more informed advice :-) Again with a smile.
Some of my Aunties have 20 years between them, my Mum and her eldest brother nearly 20 as well. Age gaps are more apparent once kids start school as you find Mums with some at college and some at school and some at preschool. Those common enough gaps are disguised when hanging out with preschool Mumma's who are more likely to have two at home/pre-school. Hang in there sweetie.
You are only too old and the gap only too big when you have hung up your shoes for good. Until then keep on dancing xx
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TTC our 3rd child 5+ yrs. Self-funding. Over 55 medicated cycles. 3 m/c's iuis, ivf with ICSI fresh BFN, 1 FET BFN. PCOS horrible. Endo and adhesions from c-sects resected. DH few wrigglers. FAITH!
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AnyDayNow
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Joined: 29 June 2014
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 1:04pm |
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Rosey, I'm practicing in my head the phrase "Oh my, you must be so embarrassed you said that!" It's no ones business to comment on the gap between kids.
I'm practicing because my mum has made it a habit to ask over the past 6 months when/if my husband and I are planning on having kids and when/if my sister is planning on having a second. We're going to be on a family holiday soon and I had thought I'd be 12 weeks along at that stage but it looks like the news at our week scan next week isn't going to be positive. My parents don't know we're going through IVF and I don't particularly want to tell them. But I'm prepping for the worst!
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Sweetpea11
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Location: Hamilton
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 1:51pm |
HI Rach! Rosey, sorry to hear your not doing too well. Sending hugs xx I know how you feel about the age gap between your kids. I feel that too. The more time goes on the more it makes me feel bad! But i have now taken to given people mixed answers depending on my mood. So 'Nah one's enough, what do we want more kids for' or 'Thanks we will keep that in mind' or 'Actually i better go now and work on that one'. Some are a bit nicer as i said depends on my mood. I have come to the conclusion people sometimes have no idea on what they are saying so why not have a bit of fun with it. Their faces are great to see after it  Watching the program last night i cried so much when the couples 8 week scan had turned out to be the worst news. This is something i hope i never have to go through. The ups and downs of this journey!
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#1 was natural after 14months of TTC
TTC#2 Jun 12
IVF #1 July 16 - 8 frosties
FET#1 Sept - CP
FET#2 Jan 17 - BFP, DD born Oct 17
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babycrazy
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 1:54pm |
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Yes Sweetpea I just watched the programme today. Heartbreaking for that couple - totally brought back some difficult memories.
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TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks
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Faith_Chch
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Location: Christchurch,NZ
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 5:57pm |
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Hi all just been catching up on the last week or so comments and all the best to everyone at the different stages!
I started acupuncture last week and are going to be going weekly to try increase our ivf success.
I also received what I thought was going to be our green light letter from FA today since we have been on the waiting list 12months but it was a letter saying they want me to do the internal scan and bloods and for DH to do semen analysis and once that's done to call but there will be up to 4wk wait for the consent and drug appointment and up to 4month wait for treatment to start.
I'm so frustrated! Why couldn't they have asked me to do that stuff in the 12months I've been waiting!
Pretty sure I ovulated yesterday so they want me to call them on day 1 for the scan and get the bloods done on day 3.
Oh also got sent information to consent for the PIP study which is getting the scratch done before the ivf cycle so think I will do that worth a shot!
Edited by Faith_Chch - 20 July 2016 at 6:03pm
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TTC #1
On wait list for public IVF since July 2015
IVF #1 Oct 2016 - 1 blast frozen
FET Nov 2016 - BFN
IVF #2 May - 1 fresh transfer BFP but ended in early miscarrage.
5 in freezer
FET June 2017 BFP
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RachFizz
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Joined: 20 August 2009
Location: Lower Hutt
Points: 2203
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 8:24pm |
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Thanks for the warm welcomes everyone
Yeah that scan brought back some difficult memories for me too. I literally said out loud: I've been where you are 😢
I was going to watch the programme at all and I missed the first week. Then last Tues DH said 'I feel like we should watch this' and we did. Then he got over it and didn't wanna watch it anymore and I went holy crap how can we just give up when there's still hope? It's been a hellish week since then.
BC- I'm not sure where we are on the list but we've been waiting 8 months. Is that something I can just ring and ask?
Rosey- so sorry to hear what you're going through. The grief can rear its ugly head over and over again.. Sorry to hear about your anxiety as well. I also struggle with that.
A few months ago I convinced myself that a specific friend at work who's recently got married, would soon be pregnant, and I just could not deal with the thought of it! I believed that if that happened I just wouldn't be able to cope. Cried all night.
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TTC#1 since Apr11
On hold for study!
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babycrazy
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Posted: 20 July 2016 at 8:40pm |
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Yep you can ring and ask. Especially since it's already been 8mths. Are you going through Wellington? I think it's about 12mths but it's a long time since I've been on any kind of list so yeah it could've changed.
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TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks
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RachFizz
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Location: Lower Hutt
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 11:12am |
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Yup Welly. I can't remember if they said 12-18 months or 15-18 months.
Gotta do AMH and day2 bloods again so I'll ring them about it once that's done.
Had a good discussion with DH last night about the future. He wants kids but he isn't really worried about when they happen. He's been frustrated that it's been putting a strain on our relationship for so long and doesn't want it to carry on in the same vein. We've both been putting things off that we could have been doing and he is looking at starting a business, so he's very concerned that either his plans will get put off again or that he'll go ahead but not be I a position to provide for us. Managed to reassure him somewhat that even if it works it'll be at least a year till we have baby and another 4 months on that before my income would stop. It's funny I'm normally that cautious planner but have faith that everything will work and I'm not worried - and he's normally carefree bordering on reckless but wants to plan having kids to a tee.
Bah it's difficult!
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TTC#1 since Apr11
On hold for study!
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Sweetpea11
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 11:57am |
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Faith, that sucks! We had all of that done before we were even on the list for IVF. Its strange how all the clinics are so different.
Rach, It is hard on each other aye. Me and my DH switch rolls all the time in this journey. Normally i'm clear headed and explain things through and go from there where lately he has done that. Al least you two talked last night and got a bit cleared up or out in the open. Do you feel better for it?
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#1 was natural after 14months of TTC
TTC#2 Jun 12
IVF #1 July 16 - 8 frosties
FET#1 Sept - CP
FET#2 Jan 17 - BFP, DD born Oct 17
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babycrazy
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 12:34pm |
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I'm glad you talked Rach. You're right though any baby is a good 12mths away and at the end of the day you'll cope with whatever the situation is at the time. People always say if you put off kids till the finances are sorted you'd never have them! I always used to worry how we'd cope with me off work but now I'm like if I can get a dang baby I don't care lol!
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TTC since Oct 2009
4 x DI's failed
IVF1 CP & MC
IVF2 CP
IVF3 Angel baby born 22.3wks
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Faith_Chch
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Location: Christchurch,NZ
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 3:11pm |
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Yeah they seem to vary a bit!
I've had scans and bloods before and DH has had a semen analysis before too but that was all to get us on the list now they want another semen analysis done through them as they are more thorough and the scan to check my ovaries and I have no idea why I need to do the bloods again but o well I'll do whatever it takes!
Hi Rach it's always good to get communication flowing and things out in the open!
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TTC #1
On wait list for public IVF since July 2015
IVF #1 Oct 2016 - 1 blast frozen
FET Nov 2016 - BFN
IVF #2 May - 1 fresh transfer BFP but ended in early miscarrage.
5 in freezer
FET June 2017 BFP
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heavenly.talker
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Location: Algies Bay
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 3:45pm |
Hi Faith They just want the latest information so they can make an accurate assessment and then the best treatment plan. Men's sperm quality and quantity changes and so does a females ovaries and hormone levels. This is particularly important for your AMH test to check your egg store.
With my hubby they just assumed his sperm was fine as we have had many natural pregnancies. They were then embarrassed and shocked to find that he doesn't have that many at all and in fact often needs to prepare a couple of samples to achieve sufficient levels for IVF.
Best wishes, it is not long to go now :-)
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TTC our 3rd child 5+ yrs. Self-funding. Over 55 medicated cycles. 3 m/c's iuis, ivf with ICSI fresh BFN, 1 FET BFN. PCOS horrible. Endo and adhesions from c-sects resected. DH few wrigglers. FAITH!
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Faith_Chch
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 4:55pm |
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Thanks HT :)
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TTC #1
On wait list for public IVF since July 2015
IVF #1 Oct 2016 - 1 blast frozen
FET Nov 2016 - BFN
IVF #2 May - 1 fresh transfer BFP but ended in early miscarrage.
5 in freezer
FET June 2017 BFP
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*Star*
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Posted: 21 July 2016 at 10:14pm |
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Great you had a chat with your DH Rach. I get that it is so hard when it feels like everything revolves around 'when you're going to have a baby' and it feels like you put your whole life on hold in the meantime.
I am a goal oriented person who hates feeling like I'm treading water, so for me personally, I found I felt heaps better when I stopped worrying about preparing for baby and acted like it wasn't gonna happen anytime soon (while also doing IVF) - so I started to grow my role and travel more for work, applied for other jobs, we built a new house, booked holidays... etc. No, we don't have savings now for me to take extended time off work after PPL but I figure we'll find a way to make it work - whether that's through a combination of flexible working hours, daycare and family pitching in with babysitting or selling our house, downsizing and living more simply, there will always be options.
I'm sure you and your DH will work out together what the best way forward for you is - the important thing is that you are in it together and support each other throughout the journey, wherever that may lead.
Hope you are feeling a bit better again today Rosey, thinking of you xo
Edited by *Star* - 21 July 2016 at 10:19pm
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TTC#1 from 2013. Stage 2 endometriosis removed. IVF #1: 1x BFN, 1x CP. natural BFP - DD born Dec 2016.
TTC#2: FET Feb 2018: BFN. 9x letrozole all BFN. IVF Feb 2019: BFN.
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Rosey13
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Posted: 22 July 2016 at 12:20pm |
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hi Star - feeling a bit better over the last day. spoke to my specialist on the phone, she's the one I call a Rock Star. I have never been able to nab any specialist time in the last 4 years, and my new specialist is always available, she's amazing. anywho, I am going to speak to a counsellor at FA and am going to take an extra long weekend next weekend off work to clear my head. Thanks for asking. :)
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TTC 2nd child for 41/2 yrs
"unexplained infertility"
monitored cycles for 12 months 2013/2014
IVF #1 2015 BFN - 2 frosties
FET 02/16 CP
FET 03/16 BFP MMC 8 weeks
IVF #2 Sep 2016 BFN
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*Star*
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Posted: 22 July 2016 at 12:49pm |
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Great to hear Rosey, taking an extra long weekend sounds like a fabulous plan! Yay for having found a really good specialist too, that must be very reassuring.
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TTC#1 from 2013. Stage 2 endometriosis removed. IVF #1: 1x BFN, 1x CP. natural BFP - DD born Dec 2016.
TTC#2: FET Feb 2018: BFN. 9x letrozole all BFN. IVF Feb 2019: BFN.
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Storm11
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Location: Auckland
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Posted: 22 July 2016 at 4:59pm |
Hi ladies, How is everyone doing today? Rosey I'm glad you are doing a bit better and have such a great specialist! Good on you for getting on to a counsellor! Take care of yourself. Rach men are interesting aren't they! LOL It's interesting how much you actually find out about how they are feeling, particularly through all this TTC stuff, once you actually sit them down and talk it out! Glad things are a bit more clearer for you both on what the future may hold! I'm actually really bad for putting things of "just in case". Am even now not sure about an OZ trip in Jan/Feb "just in case"..... I saw FA again today, and officially have a lap booked for the 4th August  he wants to also do a hysteroscopy at the same time to have a real good look at things. Didn't seem too concerned that I had one 3 years ago, and still wanted to it again anyway.  Hope everyone has had a nice Friday
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TTC #2 6+ yrs. Multiple chemical losses, 4 IVF rounds, multiple FET's. Fingers still crossed for a miracle to come our way 
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RachFizz
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Location: Lower Hutt
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Posted: 22 July 2016 at 6:17pm |
Wow that's soon Storm! Hope it brings some answers somehow.
I suppose I could still apply for study. It's hard because it's midwifery! I have wanted to do it for the last three years but keep putting it off because I just wouldn't have been able to support women through the process when my heart was so broken. It was only when I had found this mindset (of having faith that it would happen but knowing it was just not our time) that I believed I could do it. That it would be ok, and would be better to do the study while I don't have kids as it's so full-on. However, that frame of mind has disappeared! Rather short-lived really  So in terms of my career I'm kind of in limbo. I did a BSc but my passion for lab science has waned and I want to work with people...
Rosey- glad to hear your specialist is onto it and you've got counselling coming up. Enjoy your relaxing weekend! 
My Ma's birthday is tomorrow so she, my brother and I are going out for a nice lunch tomorrrow and I'm hardout looking forward to the Hurricanes game later on. My family all like to watch the rugby but don't like going to the games, so I'll have to push them to come with me if we get into the semis/final!
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TTC#1 since Apr11
On hold for study!
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TTC for 12 months +