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supersydney View Drop Down
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    Posted: 19 July 2005 at 3:00pm
I'm having a major dilemma with my in-laws. They live in Australia and want to be here and stay with us the week after the birth.

Its our first child, so I've no idea how I'm going to cope or react to having a baby. My mother in law keeps saying she isn't going to wait to fly over, and wants us to ring her when we go into labour and she'll fly straight over. She has now agreed (after my husband saying no) to wait a week, but I still feel I need longer, who knows how long I'll be in hospital etc for.

Its really hard as I know its all she has ever wanted. My husband doesn't want to hurt her but has told her to stay away. She has agreed to one week, but I know as soon as the baby is born she'll book and will be here with in a few days.

I feel like I'm going to lash out at her when she is here as I'll be hormonal as heck.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her to wait two weeks? I feel uncomfrotable telling her in person but my husband is feeling stuck in the middle and so is now refusing to tell her as she has agreed to a 'week'. What makes it worse is I find out last night its not just the mother in law, its the father and the brother in law too!!!

Help???
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lou View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lou Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 July 2005 at 4:54pm

Not unreasonable at all, what you need has to come first.  I have to say, that for me it was enough to cope with just one person at a time, and I didn't have my mother inlaw time abouts 4 weeks after.  Could they stay somewhere else?

Make sure you let them know what you need before they come.  You are not there to serve them while they admire baby.  I was lucky that my family was really good.

Support is really important, just as long as it's the right support.  You will need space and time to bond with your baby, as it can take time for some people, and also to get your head and being a mum, and the same for your husband.  If your husband is taking time off work you will proberly want to spend that time bonding as a family, not entertaining guests

Well thats my thoughts, hope it helps

Mother to two beautiful children - Sophie age 6 and Ephraim age 4

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nikkitheknitter View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nikkitheknitter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 July 2005 at 9:13pm
I agree with lou in asking if they could stay somewhere else. Then at least you can get some time out in your own house rather than being smothered by the in-laws 24/7.

Personally I fell apart right when Hannah was 6 days old, (Oh, and 3 days too ) but it was shortlived and as I was living with my family my Mum took Hannah and gave me a chance to get a few hours sleep. It was a god send! If they could do the same thing maybe there would be an advantage to having them there, but it does take a whole lot of trust to let your newborn baby be cared for by someone else.

When they do arrive you need to be firm with them about when it is time for your baby and/or you to sleep. Visitors get carried away and don't seem to realise that it is most often the Mother who has to deal with the consequences of a very tired baby.

Good luck I'm sure you'll cope fine. Atleast they live in another country
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lizzle View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lizzle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 1:04am
why don't you say "well, that5 would be great, you'll be able to help me do all the washing, and cook dinner and...." make them work!!!!
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tafs View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tafs Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 8:09am

You may need to insist they stay somewhere else!?  That way they could just come and visit during the day, spend time with their grandchild and help you out etc.  Maybe it could be the compromise?

Then you can set some boundaries and stay a little more in control.  Say to them, you can't come over before 09:30 in the morning and you must leave by 7:30 each night.  Then you and your husband will have time out together, but hopefully your MIL will help out during the day and by 1930 when she leaves your dinner will have been cooked for you, all the dishes done and the housework up to date! 

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Xander&Harmony View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Xander&Harmony Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 8:22am
hehe yeah id just comment on how tired u r feeling and am sorry if the housework isnt up to date.I had my mum stay with us the whole month of May but I didnt mind cos i hadnt seen her in like 18 mnths-2yrs and she was really helpfull in the housework dept.
BECS

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Roksana View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Roksana Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 9:02am
I know how you feel about your husband being in the middle and not wanting to tell her that she should stay away for two weeks. My Hubby is constantly worried about his mum's feelings......

I think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel and say though it would be lovely to have you here, I would really like some time to bond with the baby, as this is our first and I dont know how I would feel. Your MIL is a mum and I am sure (well hope) that she understands.

You are lucky they live out of the country, my MIL likes to control every thing and will be all over my baby...But I am the mum and I will decide what I need and the baby needs. Some times you just have to stop worrying about others and think of your self....Wow this was a long post!!!

Good luck!

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newmum View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote newmum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 11:58am
I know how you feel with MIL, I was so relieved when we moved to another country! She was quite stifling.

I think that the advice everyone else has given is great. My mum is coming up for the first 2 weeks but staying at my aunties house, not ours, and she has already said she is there to do the housework, cooking etc. so that Peter and I have time to get our heads round being parents. That is definately what you want to get your MIL to agree on!! I know it'll be tough because it is hard to talk to someone that is an inlaw straight out because you don't want to hurt them but you have to think of you and the baby first!

Good luck!

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nuttymama View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nuttymama Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 2:12pm
I was incredibly luckily, my MIL came down from Levin when my second was two weeks and she was superb. I was really worried about interference and the usual "when I had my children I" etc, but she was the best. She helped look after my older boy and helped with cooking, washing and housework, I was actually quite sad to see her go. Then when I had the C-Section with abby I knew she was dying to come down but she waited for 6 weeks to give me a chance to recover. Then when she did it was the same. I am very lucky in that department though, hubby has a wonderful family, and my mother in law is like a second mum to me. My advice is be honest with her. This is you and your hubby's time not theirs. However you might be pleasently suprised
Abigail 06/01/2005
Jayden   21/11/2001
Micheal 03/04/1997
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cbksmum View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cbksmum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 July 2005 at 8:06pm
I made it very clear before baby was born, that I was going to have a rule that no-one stayed at our house! If they wanted to visit, they had to stay elsewhere - like you, I didn't know how I was going to be feeling, and this applied to everyone, including my own family
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Maya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Maya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 July 2005 at 11:47am
I don't have parents-in-law (don't know if thats a good or a bad thing ) they both passed away before Maya was born, but my Mum came to stay for a week after I had Maya and it was a godsend. She did all the washing, cooking and cleaning and just let me settle into a routine and get to know Maya. I remember being terrified when she left that I would never be able to cope on my own, but strangely enough I did lol. She lives in Australia too and was supposed to come when I got out of hospital but she couldn't wait and flew over the same day Maya was born. I rang her at 9am to say I'd had the baby and she was there on the midnight flight. Because I had such a long labour (2 1/2 days) she had a bit of notice, but my Dad was even trying to pressure her to come over when I was in labour and be there for the birth.
I guess it depends on what sort of relationship you have with you m-i-l and if you think she will be overbearing and bossy. If so, I definitely agree that she should wait a while, and stay somewhere else togive you some space, but if you think she might be helpful with housework and stuff then it might not be so bad.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jennz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 July 2005 at 9:54pm
I had my Mum around for the first 2 days when Charlotte was born and wanted her to stay longer! She was a godsend cooking and cleaning- I guess it might be a bit harder with a MIL as you may not feel as comfortable telling her when you need time space etc. I think it's good to have a bit of time to get used to everything and feel comfortable and a bit more in control- about a week would have been right for me.
Keep in mind that her reasons for coming will be to spend time with her new grandchild and to help you out- not to judge you or to be annoying. Set really clear boundaries with your DH and get him to step in if any unwanted behaviours arise.
Don't stress about it to much, you'll have the whole "new baby euphoria" going on, you'll probably love having another person around who loves talking about how wonderful your baby is as you do!
Jen, Charlotte 7 & Kate 3

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